(no subject)
maaaaaan, dude fuck.
i guess its just i never thought i would be here right now. i never mentally prepared myself to settle down, because i was supposed to go off to college and that was really all i concerned myself with. alot of that has to do with the fact that i never really considered myself loveable/dateable. all my relationships were based on my insecurities, in that i knew they were gonna end. I knew jon and i could never get along long term, and he was so far away. i never even considered jonas a real boyfriend, although now more or less thats the only description that fits our relationship. Regardless, i never let him anywhere near my heart. david lasted a month. Patrick...was me being a little seductress...but i knew he could never handle the age difference. But with rat, i just feel..too secure, too safe. i could see myself with him forever. hes always been in my life and i always assumed he would always be in my life, i just never really thought that he would be my boyfriend, or that we would have this kind of relationship so soon in my life.
thats not to say that im unhappy! please dont think that!! but its just, a little unnerving.
more to that, its just i know my whole word is going to be a little upside down. there are going to be my things, and the furniture will be how i want it, and my dishes, my stuff....finally. and his stuff too...that i dont care about. im just gonna be so happy to be able to provide what i want for me.
i guess part of why im freaking out is that i dont want to lose him. what if i fuck it up? what if i cant handle it? what if we dont mesh well together?? some how im perpetually afraid i will be the one to fuck it up, push him away, go crazy again?
or what if he gets bored with me?
then last night of course, i lay in his arms and we do sill things and it all just seems like its gonna be okay....
im not eve threatened by finding out his exgirlfriend left a comment on his myspace (mainly cuz i dont think shes that cute at ALL).
im also a little freaked out because we got pretty stoned for the towel expedition (NEVER forget your towel!!) (basically we got up and went and got his towel because he left it when he moved out of the apartment. it was hilarious.)but anyways, i kinda tripped out and we were listening to this song that remind me of "this old man" and i started thinking about us, and i totally pictured driving home with my little girl and singing it and coming up with silly things for each of the rhymes and i thought about how two rhymes with kazoo...and she would ask me what it is and i would call the music store and see if scott has one and we could go down and visit and buy a kazoo and come home and she could show daddy and it was all so sweet and rose colored. and i hope i hope i hope some day we can have a little girl and hell teach her how to play music and she can be daddy's little girl...i want my little girl to be somewhat a daddy's little girl. i only want to work part time so i want time with daddy to be special. and i can see him getting into the whole little kid thing.
so for now were getting an apartment. then well find a cool house to rent with rats dad.....
and then he was telling me that in a couple of years his dad is planning to move to san jose when the company he works for moves to reno, and hell take care of Rats grandma. AND do you know how perfect that moves into my desire to move us to santa cruz so i can go to UC santa cruz? we would be so much closer to sean and sarah, and mike will be moved, and well be close to his pop and grandma...
and it seems like just a sign...such a sign...that things are going the right way.
bleh. im just a mix of emotions with everything...so changing...