Speak what you feel - Part 3
“I was lying there peacefully one moment and the next moment there was someone on top of me. They were pushing up my skirt, undoing the buttons on my blouse and I was so shocked, I didn’t know what to do. Then I feel something hard and slimy enter my body and this weight on my chest that is suffocating me and I open my eyes…”
Toby closes his and fights to control the growing rage inside him. His hands want to clench themselves into a fist so badly and enter CJ’s memories and punch this guy until he can’t move on the ground but he forces himself to stay relaxed. CJ doesn’t need to deal with his anger on top of her memories.
Act worthy of the trust she’s placing in you. Don’t get upset. Don’t scare her. Keep holding on to her.
CJ’s voice becomes robotic, devoid of feeling altogether. “I open my eyes and it’s Mr. Grainger. The look on his face… it’s something I can’t get out of my head. It was over pretty quickly and he didn’t say anything to me that time…”
That time. That means there was more. Breathe, Toby, breathe. Control your feelings. This is about her.
…”and he walked away as though nothing had happened. I quickly got dressed and walked home since it was practically the end of the day anyhow. I didn’t know what to do with the blood and the fluids… I threw out that outfit and my father and brothers never noticed that I didn’t come down for dinner that night. I spent it in my bathroom, alternately throwing up and crying on the floor. The next day I went to school like nothing had happened and Mr. Grainger was again just my teacher and I wondered if I had imagined the entire thing.”
The grip CJ has on his arm is beginning to become painful again but Toby is not about to let her know that. Her shaking has not subsided at all; in fact it is getting worse. He debates letting her stop after more than 2 minutes of silence but he’s afraid that if she stops now, she will never release the entire story. And, if he’s learned anything from Josh’s experience, he knows that talking about it is the only way to banish it.
“You said ‘that time’. Was there more?” He is surprised at how gentle his voice is, belying the rage he feels. CJ abrubtly pulls away from him and practically melts her body into the other side of the couch.
“Yes.” She begins to sound like a little girl. “From then on, until I left home to go to college, every time he would come over for a party, he would come into my room if I was in bed. Sometimes he would talk to me, telling me how special I was and how much I turned him on and sometimes he would just fuck me and get out.” She turns toward him and meets his eyes, pleading for understanding. “Toby, I couldn’t tell him. I couldn’t tell my father. I don’t know what I was afraid of… maybe I wanted to protect him, maybe I didn’t trust him, maybe I thought it was my fault, that I had subconsciencely told Mr. Grainger that I wanted comfort through sex… but I couldn’t say anything. I haven’t said anything to this day.”
Please understand. Please don’t tell me that I’m bad, that I’m shameful, that this is my fault. I mean, I know it is, I know I should’ve stopped it, but please, Toby, don’t tell me that. And will you still like me? Will you still consider me your best friend? Will you still trust me with your secrets or have I become like a fragile glass doll to you know, ready to shatter at a moment’s notice? Every time I stand up before the press now, will you see the bold, witty, confident CJ or will you see that little girl huddled in the bathroom, throwing up? Don’t let this change your opinion of me, Toby. I can’t handle that. I can’t handle your pity.
She waits, bowing her head, waiting for the verdict.
It’s ironic that I play with words for a living and yet I’m so scared right now to say the wrong thing. How can I make her see that it’s not her fault? That she was just a little girl being taken advantage of by a monster? How do I show her that she’s still the woman I love? That she hasn’t changed in my eyes except that I love her more, if that’s possible. God, I don’t want to frighten her or shame her even more. Help me.
Somehow, grasping, Toby finds the words.
“This is not your fault, CJ. You were 10 years old. How could you defend yourself against a man that much older than you, in authority over you and a good friend of your father? He took advantage of all of that and he took advantage of the fact that you had just lost your mother and you were vulnerable. This is HIS fault CJ, not yours. God, not yours.” Tears come to his eyes unexpectedly and start to trail down his face. “You are beautiful, strong and any man would be proud to have you in his life. Don’t let this bastard take that away from you. No one would judge you, no one would point the finger of blame at you, no one would think differently of you except to be more proud, more impressed at who you have become and what you have accomplished. Please, don’t blame yourself. And don’t pull away from those who love you.” Especially me, he thinks silently. CJ, I don’t want to lose you. I know we’re just friends, I know we work together, I know neither one of us needs further complications right now but please, don’t let this come between us. I love you.
Embarrassed slightly by his emotion, Toby looks down at his hands. He can feel CJ’s eyes upon him but he’s too afraid to look up. Suddenly he feels warm lips on his and a hand on his cheek, brushing away his tears. He lifts his head and she follows him, still kissing him, more intensely now. Her arm moves up to encircle his neck and she shifts until her body is practically ontop of his. He can feel his arousal even as every atom in his being is screaming, no, this isn’t right. It kills him but he gently pushes her away.
“God, CJ, I want to, don’t get me wrong, but not now. Neither one of us are in the space to do this right now. I don’t want to hurt you and I also don’t want to force you to do anything you don’t want to do.”
She moves back to the other side of the couch and faces the window again. “You don’t want me because of what I told you. I’ve become a victim, someone to treat like china, not someone who is an adult, capable of making her own choices in life. You want to look after me now. I’ve become a child to you, not your equal.”
“No,that’s” he starts, but she is on a roll now, gaining momentum and won’t be stopped. Her voice raises in anger as she stands up to face him.
“You wonder why I never told anyone? You wonder why I’ve kept this a secret for 30 years? Because I’ve seen the way victims of sexual abuse get treated. I’ve read the court reports, seen the statistics and know that abusers never suffer as much as their victims. And now that you know and the entire senior staff will know, I’ll get treated like Josh, except worse. There will be no private meetings with someone like Stanley, no Donna to take me to the hospital and bandage up my hand. I’m the public face of this administration and we can’t afford to have someone who might go off on the slightest mention of sexual abuse or rape or someone who rips off the head of the National Security Advisor in the middle of the White House for selling arms and renting an airbase to Qumar!” She pauses for breath and instead of continuing her rant, bursts into tears. Toby is frozen, unable to move, the pain in his heart as he watches her immobilizing his body.
Through her tears, she continues in a cracking voice, “I let it get to me, Toby. I let something become personal when it wasn’t. And I behaved abhorently all day - to you, to Leo, to the President and to Nancy. But you know what scares me the most? The fact that I was able to shut it off, walk into the pressroom and make a joke about Qumar. Who am I? Who am I becoming? Someone who shuts on or off depending on whether there’s a camera focused on her face? That’s not who I want to be.” She wants to continue but the tears overtake her again. She slowly sinks to the floor, and like she did when she was 10, she curls her body into a ball and huddles against the wall.
Toby can’t watch anymore. He gets up, knowing the risk he is taking and kneels beside her. With infinite care he wraps himself around her and begins to rock her again. As he rocks, he tries to comfort her with words, not knowing if she can hear him.
“CJ, I know I don’t speak for Leo or the President but I need you. You have no idea how much you keep me sane, how much I depend on you, not just behind the podium in the pressroom but personally. I tried to make it work with Andi and it didn’t, and you were the one who stayed with me so I would get home safely after drinking myself into oblivion. You were the only one who knew something was wrong when I knew about the President’s MS and no one else did - you knew I was lying to you and you accepted it, even though you didn’t like it. That’s the faith you have in me. And that’s the faith I have in you. I don’t see you as a victim, a liability to this administration or, God help me, someone only worthy of pity. You’ve always made your own choices, been strong enough to do the right thing and still reach out to me and Sam and Josh when we’re being idiots. You did what you did in the pressroom because you are loyal and because you are courageous, not because you’re inauthentic or a liar.” He pauses, thinking, and then decides to go for it. “The President told me to apologize to you today and I didn’t understand why but I think I do now. I’m sorry CJ. I’m sorry on behalf of every man on this earth who has ever treated a woman with anything less than the respect and honour that they deserve. I’m sorry that I pushed you on Qumar instead of listening to you. I’m not saying that our decision would’ve been different but I should have listened to you. I’m sorry, CJ. I’m so so sorry. Can you forgive me?”
He waits, breath caught in his chest, continuing to rock her. She stops crying long enough to say to his shirt, “Yes” before starting again. He breathes again and gains the patience to wait. It is only a few minutes before she speaks again, muffled by her position, but still loud enough for him to hear.
“You remember when I announced to the Kennedy Center patio that I was great in bed… when Tad Whitney attacked me for not getting the job?”
Toby allows himself a small smile. He remembered very well.
“Well, there’s been lots of Tad Whitneys - one night stands or short-term relationships that were all about me proving something to someone long dead, that he wouldn’t be the cause of me not being a woman… as if having sex with the world makes me more of a woman. It didn’t mean anything Toby. It just made me feel slutty and worse about myself but I couldn’t stop. And tonight, you saying no to me, well, for the first time I feel respected. Thank you. Can you forgive me for what I did to you?”
Toby rests his chin on her head and sighs. “There’s nothing to forgive, CJ. I feel honoured that you told me what you did. It couldn’t have been easy. And I don’t pretend to understand all the dynamics because, as Leo so nicely reminded me a few weeks ago, I’d make a lousy counselor but you are not less important than Josh, either with regards to me or this administration. And if you want to talk to Stanley, I’ll drive you to San Francisco myself and even hold your hand through it. Ok?”
CJ starts to laugh through her tears. “Tobus, you’re scaring me. I feel like you’ve been abducted by aliens and replaced with Oprah Winfrey.”
“That’s what I get for tonight? Being accused of being a touchy-feely talk-show host? I’m insulted, Claudia Jean.”
CJ moves to look at him in the face. “I like it when you call me that. It reminds me of my mother. She did not like nicknames and after two boys, she really, really wanted a girl. She never let me forget my name or the fact that I was wanted. God, I miss her.” She pauses and starts stroking Toby’s hand absently. When her fingers make contact with something hard, she looks down, surprised.
“Toby, why are you still wearing your wedding ring?”
Toby looks down at it too as if he had forgotten it was there. “I guess I’m not ready to admit that I’m a terrible husband and that I failed at something that ultimately is more important than writing the Inaugural address or getting a President elected. I know Andi has moved on and probably I have too… but yet…”
CJ tightens her grip on his hand. “I know about moving on. It’s not as easy as Oprah or Dr Phil makes it sound.”
Toby winces a bit as he realizes how he is sitting. “CJ, don’t get me wrong, I’m not cutting you off here but I’m an old man and I can’t sit on the floor much longer or I’m going to need a wheelchair. Can I take you home? Josh tells me that you’ve been walking to work ever since the MS thing. Let me drive you.”
“Josh has a big mouth,” CJ grouses but she allows Toby to pull her to her feet. “A ride would be great. Let me just gather one file for tomorrow and I’ll meet you at your office.”
Once in the car, CJ leans back and closes her eyes. “God, I’m exhausted. I feel like today has been three weeks long. I hope I can sleep without…” She stops suddenly and turns away from Toby.
Keeping his eyes on the road, Toby gently suggests, “Without nightmares?” Silence.
Finally. “Yeah.” Toby can hear the sounds of CJ playing with her fingers. He pulls up beside her apartment building and shuts off the engine.
“Can I come upstairs with you?” He waits.
“Sure.” Now it’s her turn to have butterflies in her stomach. But she allows him to open her door and guide her with his hand on her lower back up the stairs and into her small apartment. She winces at the sight of paper strewn everywhere but he doesn’t seem to notice.
“Do you want a drink?”
He smiles slightly. “I know this answer will shock you, but not tonight. Go get ready for bed. I’ll be here when you get out of the bathroom.”
She complies, dropping her purse and the file on the already crowded coffee table. Toby waits for her to grab some clothes and enter the bathroom before he moves into the kitchen and starts rummaging through her shelves looking for chamomile tea. He knows she has some because she used to make it for Josh while he was recovering. By the time she emerges, he has it ready on a tray for her.
“Tobus, that’s sweet.” She picks up her cup and sips slowly.
“Yeah, don’t spread it around.” He fills an awkward moment by rearranging her bedspread and encouraging her to get in so he can tuck it around her. When he gets up, she puts the tea down on the bedside table and grabs his arm.
“Toby, I know you have no reason to believe me at the moment but I don’t want sex… but I also don’t want to be alone. Will you…?” and she pats the other side of the bed. She doesn’t meet his eyes and he knows what this is costing her.
He slips off his pants and joins her in the bed. She immediately turns towards him and lays her head on his chest. “Thank you.”
“Claudia Jean, I love you.”
“I love you too Tobus. And by the way, ‘to thine own’s self be true’.”
“What?” he questions with a hint of a chuckle in his voice.
“I just wanted to show you that you’re not the only smartass who can quote Shakespeare on a whim. ‘Course that and ‘to be or not to be’ is the extent of it but you don’t need to know that.”
“Yeah whatever, get some sleep.” He closes his eyes and for a moment, allows himself to feel just how right this is yet again. But it’s not the time or the place. He listens until CJ’s breathing is even and he knows she is asleep. Then he slowly and carefully removes his wedding ring and puts it on the bedside table next to her tea.