EXPLODE
"I want to not have this pain from knowing that i can't do anything
but i want to - i wish i could do something but i can't - and it hurts.
Get in the car and we will drive far from the critics of this town
no more criticism no more pain - just us two, in love."
Sometimes i hate myself.
Sometimes i don't.
Sometimes i wanna run in front of the train passing by every hour.
Sometimes i don't.
I didn't sleep again last night. I keep pulling my hair out, even more. I listened to my favorite music channel and just thought too much. I really do hate it when that happens. I didn't try and go to sleep more than once though, i knew that it wouldn't work. I am frustrated in myself being so stupid for so long. I hate not being able to control emotions, and i hate missing things so much and just having the memories of amazing moments to drive you crazy and then making stupid decisions because you miss things. Who the fuck does what he did? Can't you just lock up certain emotions in your head so that you never have to think of them again? The thought of him makes me want to fucking scream.
I am no longer having the friends-only option when it comes to commenting. I am just going to block certain people that i don't want to comment.
QUESTION: I wanna go back to the journal her_redlipstick. I miss that journal. Do you guys think i should go back or stay with this name?
I miss looking like this:
I couldn't find the bigger picture. But :( i loved when my hair was like that, the rose looked so pretty.
****************
In other news, i am happy with what is going on (generally) in my life, and who is in it especially. My friends are amazing, i am doing great with school (i have straight A's and my teacher uses my work as an example/key for other students, go me!), and i work lots so i'm gettin more money. I work straight til Monday now. I still can't wait to get out though, to have a bigger change in my life rather then the smaller ones now. Until then, i'm loving each day as much as i can. In all honestly though, at this moment, i am half a wreck, and half okay. I hate knowing how happy i once was. Fuck, but i am happy, but i'm not. It's stupid.
I can't wait to fall in love again.
I listened to Frank Sinatra - type music for hours last night. I got into a romantic mood. I can't wait to dance with the someone to that music. I can't wait to go on adventures again and drive places and get lost and go to my favorite pizza place and be nerds with someone again, and just have those moments to where you forget about the world and you just love the person so much. I can't wait to just be able to grab his face and give him kisses, whoever he will be, and cuddle with him in the most comfortable blanket in the world. I have a lot of love in me lately.. i really don't understand why. Maybe i thought i would be able to give it again.. maybe not. I loved being able to love someone, but it wasn't good enough.
****************
Jennie and i are going shopping on Saturday after i work 9am-1pm. I'm excited even though the TO Mall sucks, but i'm givin myself a little spree with my money. I put all my paychecks away so i figure i might as well spend a lil' of it. Plus, Jennie and i have to go buy our sweaters cuz Winter is coming. It's pretty outside and it's getting cold. I'm gonna wear my leg warmers again this Winter, i haven't worn them in so so long. Christmas is gonna be strange this year. I know it's going to be a lot of fun, but definatly different. I wish it was last year around this time, i loved the holidays last year. I'm making Shawn a scarf, i'm excited cuz he can wear it at his college and it will be made my me and he won't lose it.
I feel sick.
ps. i think i spend way to much time trying to decorate my journal entries. well at least with this one and the previous three. but everyone liked the one before this, so that's neat-o.
pps. i hate how i look so gross today because i haven't slept. i want to run away and hide.
but i want to - i wish i could do something but i can't - and it hurts.
Get in the car and we will drive far from the critics of this town
no more criticism no more pain - just us two, in love."
Sometimes i hate myself.
Sometimes i don't.
Sometimes i wanna run in front of the train passing by every hour.
Sometimes i don't.
I didn't sleep again last night. I keep pulling my hair out, even more. I listened to my favorite music channel and just thought too much. I really do hate it when that happens. I didn't try and go to sleep more than once though, i knew that it wouldn't work. I am frustrated in myself being so stupid for so long. I hate not being able to control emotions, and i hate missing things so much and just having the memories of amazing moments to drive you crazy and then making stupid decisions because you miss things. Who the fuck does what he did? Can't you just lock up certain emotions in your head so that you never have to think of them again? The thought of him makes me want to fucking scream.
I am no longer having the friends-only option when it comes to commenting. I am just going to block certain people that i don't want to comment.
QUESTION: I wanna go back to the journal her_redlipstick. I miss that journal. Do you guys think i should go back or stay with this name?
I miss looking like this:
I couldn't find the bigger picture. But :( i loved when my hair was like that, the rose looked so pretty.
****************
In other news, i am happy with what is going on (generally) in my life, and who is in it especially. My friends are amazing, i am doing great with school (i have straight A's and my teacher uses my work as an example/key for other students, go me!), and i work lots so i'm gettin more money. I work straight til Monday now. I still can't wait to get out though, to have a bigger change in my life rather then the smaller ones now. Until then, i'm loving each day as much as i can. In all honestly though, at this moment, i am half a wreck, and half okay. I hate knowing how happy i once was. Fuck, but i am happy, but i'm not. It's stupid.
I can't wait to fall in love again.
I listened to Frank Sinatra - type music for hours last night. I got into a romantic mood. I can't wait to dance with the someone to that music. I can't wait to go on adventures again and drive places and get lost and go to my favorite pizza place and be nerds with someone again, and just have those moments to where you forget about the world and you just love the person so much. I can't wait to just be able to grab his face and give him kisses, whoever he will be, and cuddle with him in the most comfortable blanket in the world. I have a lot of love in me lately.. i really don't understand why. Maybe i thought i would be able to give it again.. maybe not. I loved being able to love someone, but it wasn't good enough.
****************
Jennie and i are going shopping on Saturday after i work 9am-1pm. I'm excited even though the TO Mall sucks, but i'm givin myself a little spree with my money. I put all my paychecks away so i figure i might as well spend a lil' of it. Plus, Jennie and i have to go buy our sweaters cuz Winter is coming. It's pretty outside and it's getting cold. I'm gonna wear my leg warmers again this Winter, i haven't worn them in so so long. Christmas is gonna be strange this year. I know it's going to be a lot of fun, but definatly different. I wish it was last year around this time, i loved the holidays last year. I'm making Shawn a scarf, i'm excited cuz he can wear it at his college and it will be made my me and he won't lose it.
I feel sick.
ps. i think i spend way to much time trying to decorate my journal entries. well at least with this one and the previous three. but everyone liked the one before this, so that's neat-o.
pps. i hate how i look so gross today because i haven't slept. i want to run away and hide.