Thursday 19th July
Today is a special day. I have finally figured out what my problem is.
Before you all start rolling your eyes and muttering, "Which bloody one?" I would like to confirm that this is all stemming from the results of an online personality disorder test (which, surely, is one of the oddest things ever. I mean, what sort of person thinks, "I know- let's make a quiz which we can advertise to bored teenagers and let them discover exaclty which way they are fucked up," ? Anyway, whoever it was- I take my hat off to them because they saved me from 10 minutes of boredom.)
So- back to topic- turns out I'm dependant.
That makes perfect sense when I think about it: the only times I've been happy/excited about the future is when I have someone who says they'll stay with me and look after me; amost everything I'm scared of would require me to go-it-alone (except spiders, I'm scared of them 'cause they're creepy 8-legged fuckers with too many eyes); even when I've done something without my closest friends, there's always been someone I at least knew with me.
"Individuals with (dependency personality disorder) are often pessimistic and characterized by self-doubt; they tend to belittle their abilities and assets. They respond to the criticism and disapproval of others as proof of their worthlessness. They seek others to dominate and protect them. Occupational functioning may be impaired if independent initiative is required; they will avoid positions of responsibility."
See, half of that is spot on, but I'm actually quite optimistic and cheerful- so I don't fully fit the profile.
"Individuals with DPD see themselves as inadequate and helpless; they believe they are in a cold and dangerous world and are unable to cope on their own. They define themselves as inept and abdicate self-responsibility; they turn their fate over to others . These individuals will decline to be ambitious." "These individuals are fixated in the past. They maintain youthful impressions; they retain unsophisticated ideas and childlike views of the people toward whom they remain totally submissive "
Then again, maybe I'm just reading too much into a 10 minute personlaity test? Perhaps it's like starsigns, I'm just picking out bits that sounds like me, and glossing over anything that doesn't. It's just that, reading this, I can see reasons for a lot of my actions and inner thoughts, like me wanting to just be a housewife and rely on my husband for support. Maybe it's not actualy what I WANT, but it's actually all I can see myself deserving.
Ahh screw it- it's nearly midnight. Far too late for these psychological issues.
Let's just say I'm screwed up and leave it at that?