Inlerspam
Yes, I know I spam slowly. Yes, I know it was a bad idea to do this in the same month as cornerflag. In fact, d'you think we can replace Swiss Appreciation Month with Swiss Appreciation Year?
Oh, well, what the hell. INLER!!!
This young man is Gökhan Inler, known to his friends as Gögi. (Well, I say “young”, but he’ll be 27 this year. God almighty, doesn’t time fly?)
Inler specialises in a sort of “smoulder” expression that he no doubt thinks is extremely sexy, but that I think makes him look cross-eyed and gormless.
*Sniggers*
*Looks around and sees that everyone else is mesmerised and drooling* Oh, well. It seems to work, so perhaps he should keep it up.
He does not believe in the concept of squad photos.
He does believe in the Interwebs, which is handy. (Here’s another wallpaper that was too boring to embed.)
Inler’s forays into the world of the internet so far include:
1. Twitter, which he writes in English. This is possibly a bad idea:
Hello to everybody. What a game today. We won against Palermo 7:0. Thats my first highest victory outside in my carrier! Yeahhhh :-)
But it’s very cute. He also reveals that he speaks Turkish (Turkish Google Translate, incidentally, refers to him as “Jennifer”). However, he keeps his pictures at something called Yfrog, which won’t load them for me properly. Boo! Here is the one useful pic, of him and Zapata:
Moar like this, please, Gokhan.
2. A Youtube channel called InlerTV, which is disappointingly devoid of pr0n despite his flirty little smile in the logo. It does have interviews (in German) and funny adverts, though.
3. Facebook, apparently; it’s telling me I have to log in to see anything, and since I don’t have Facebook, that’s obviously cutting the whole thing a bit short for me.
4. his own website, which is extremely useful, since it contains gems like these:
DAW. (He’s not bothered at all about potentially looking wussy in public, is he? The Swiss definition of “hard man” must be different from ours.)
And... brace yourselves...
INLER WITH HAIR.
And he still looks pretty good. How does he do it?!
This, conversely, is him in some kind of youth tournament. You could have fooled me; he looks exactly the same. Evidently he became an adult at the age of 15 and has remained like this ever since.
(OK, he did have a brief and gruesome experiment with a pornstache, but it’s probably best if we all erase that from our collective memory.)
I have found two good Inlerviews so far. Here’s the first, dated September 19 2007. The dirt:
• He’s got a brother five years older than him.
• He was born in Switzerland, identifies as Swiss and only goes to Turkey on holiday or to visit relatives.
• The non-existent fiancée makes an appearance.
• He likes the San Siro. Excellent.
The second one, from May 2010, features the following:
• Inler being Napoli’s “object of desire”. And everyone else’s, I suspect.
• “President Pozzo petted me like a son, never forget it.” But, Gokhan, I want to forget it.
• “I often hear from Fabio Quagliarella, but we rarely talk about football.” *Writes*
• He doesn’t fast during Ramadan or he couldn’t play.
• “Would you be willing to convert to Christianity? We suggest a name: Gennaro!” OH MY GOD I CANNOT BELIEVE THEY SAID THAT.
• The fiancée is now a Portuguese girlfriend.
• His preferred language is German.
• His favourite film is The Last Samurai. *Wince*
• He didn’t play for Turkey because they didn’t make a real effort to get him.
• His tiny dogs are called Eesha and Keyah.
WAIT, you say, TINY DOGS???
YES, TINY DOGS!
*Coos and flutters*
*Keels over with adoration*
....Er. Pretend you can see what's happening in this picture; sometimes I really hate Swiss photo agencies. (Nice white trews, btw.)
And the pièce de résistance: he plays with his dogs while mostly naked. (But takes care to wear socks.) I wonder if he’s got a little bag he carries them round in?
Anyway, back to the non-existent fiancée. Martha will no doubt turn up soon to tell me off for implying she doesn’t exist, so I must review the evidence.
1: screencap from his website retrieved on 22.03.11.
2: Wedding Ring of Pretend Heterosexuality. (This pops up a LOT; I think he wears it all the time he’s not on the pitch.)
3: a Friuli blog produced this picture, but didn’t explain who was in it. That lass actually looks a lot like Inler to me apart from the eyebrows, so I’m wondering if she’s his sister. Alternatively, of course, she could be a totally random fan he’s never seen before in his life, so perhaps there’s no point speculating.
SO. Possible explanations:
(a) He really does have a Portuguese fiancée he loves very deeply. It’s not his fault if journalists keep writing contradictory things; with his Swiss accent, they thought he said “I am single” when he was actually expressing his love for Toblerone. His website is using “Single” to mean “cohabiting with his life partner”, a practice I find hugely irritating but one I accept is widespread.
(b) He got engaged, then broke it off but continued wearing his engagement ring.
(c) He is gayer than a very gay thing but doesn’t want people to know.
(d) Cheryl, shut up because it’s none of your business.
Ladies and gentlemen, I shall leave it to you to decide.
Anyway! Need moar pictures. Let’s do Gokhan’s funny faces.
Here is his favourite expression: the DDD: .
He does it really a lot.
Usually for no discernible reason whatsoever.
(OK, that one had a reason.)
And this one. “AAARGH! UNITED!”
His arms are extremely veiny.
As is, er, his head.
Head veins.
Neck veins.
Neck veins.
More neck veins.
Arm and head veins.
(Hi there, Gelson.)
He likes to stick his tongue out.
Not sure if that’s to do with Cavani’s jumping on his head, but I hope not.
Appropriately enough, his tongue is twice the size of a normal man’s;
wonder what it can do. (If you’re not of a nervous disposition, you can see a mega-huge version of that pic here.)
His thighs are small but hard. (Make all the smutty jokes you want.)
Admittedly, I’m an Interista, so my thigh-size standards are high.
However, he also does some groping
and hand-holding while showing them off, so he gets bonus points for that.
END OF TEH FIRST SPAM! Second will come whenever I get it done.