The Weevil Who Knew Too Much
It's quite adorable, really.
A woman's period is a few days late. She pees on a stick. It's positive so she goes to the doctor for a blood test and it's confirmed! She's pregnant! She tells her partner and a few close friends and family members. She's excited and a little anxious, but mostly just thrilled and planning for the future.
As far as she's concerned, she'll be having a baby.
Ah the innocence! The sheer and unmitigated ignorance!
Doesn't she know that there are at least 1.5 MILLION things that can still go wrong?
Doesn't she know that her miscarriage risk during the first trimester is huge?
Doesn't she know about genetic abnormalities and neural tube defects?
Doesn't she know that everything can seem fine in terms of her bloodwork, but then her ultrasound will show that she's no longer pregnant?
Doesn't she know that after seeing the heart beat on an ultrasound, something can still go horribly wrong?
She may not know these things.
I do.
I've spent the last year in the "infertility community." I know about blighted ova and all the other things that can happen in the first trimester. I know people who've lost their babies at 10 or 12 weeks gestation.
I wish I could unlearn all of this. I wish I could just focus on the joy and truly enjoy the fact that, at 6 weeks 4 days, I am still pregnant. I wish I could look forward to my first ultrasound next week with the assumption that everything will be fine.
But I can't do that. Because I know too much. I have to keep reminding myself that I don't actually have anymore to worry about than those innocents who are thinking about baby names and picking out paint chips.
The only risk factor I have for miscarriage is my age. And that risk comes from the potential for genetic abnormalities in aged eggs. But that's why I've been doing acupuncture since September. One of the things that TCM can do is improve egg quality by increasing blood flow to the ovaries. I had a perfect cycle with a nice-sized and mature follicle. There's no reason to assume that there was anything wrong with that egg. My donor is in his 20s and we had the sperm washed to weed out the two-headed or otherwise weird swimmers.
I'm not underweight. I don't have underlying health problems. I eat a healthy, balanced diet that includes one square of 70% cacao chocolate. I avoid caffeine. Logically, I know that I don't have a lot to worry about. And yet, I worry. Everyone I've told about this pregnancy assumes that I'll have a baby for Christmas. But I'm worried because I've only had a little bit of mild morning sickness. I'm worried because I've seen other people's joy turn to devastation.
The fact that I know many more people who've had successful pregnancies recently (one of whom is a year older than me and eats like a truck driver), doesn't seem to hold any weight. The fact that I'm experiencing all kinds of other pregnancy symptoms (including TMI ALERT nipples that suddenly look like they should have Playtex embossed on them) doesn't alleviate my fear.
And I know that pregnancy and parenthood is fraught with worry for everyone. Having a child -- another hostage to fortune -- is going to have worries and fears that I can't even imagine right now.
So maybe I should just get used to it.
But I feel cheated because I know too much. I read posts from these blissful women who are over the moon about their pregnancies and I want desperately to fall into that state of gleeful certainty.
But I just can't do it. I'm trying to be zen and accept the fact that if something's going to go wrong there's not a thing I can do about it. I'm trying to tell myself that worrying doesn't help. I'm listening to healthy pregnancy meditations and sending protective and loving feelings to Tenacious B.
*sigh*
Basically?
I WANT TO BELIEVE.
M.
xposted to lj - comments everywhere
A woman's period is a few days late. She pees on a stick. It's positive so she goes to the doctor for a blood test and it's confirmed! She's pregnant! She tells her partner and a few close friends and family members. She's excited and a little anxious, but mostly just thrilled and planning for the future.
As far as she's concerned, she'll be having a baby.
Ah the innocence! The sheer and unmitigated ignorance!
Doesn't she know that there are at least 1.5 MILLION things that can still go wrong?
Doesn't she know that her miscarriage risk during the first trimester is huge?
Doesn't she know about genetic abnormalities and neural tube defects?
Doesn't she know that everything can seem fine in terms of her bloodwork, but then her ultrasound will show that she's no longer pregnant?
Doesn't she know that after seeing the heart beat on an ultrasound, something can still go horribly wrong?
She may not know these things.
I do.
I've spent the last year in the "infertility community." I know about blighted ova and all the other things that can happen in the first trimester. I know people who've lost their babies at 10 or 12 weeks gestation.
I wish I could unlearn all of this. I wish I could just focus on the joy and truly enjoy the fact that, at 6 weeks 4 days, I am still pregnant. I wish I could look forward to my first ultrasound next week with the assumption that everything will be fine.
But I can't do that. Because I know too much. I have to keep reminding myself that I don't actually have anymore to worry about than those innocents who are thinking about baby names and picking out paint chips.
The only risk factor I have for miscarriage is my age. And that risk comes from the potential for genetic abnormalities in aged eggs. But that's why I've been doing acupuncture since September. One of the things that TCM can do is improve egg quality by increasing blood flow to the ovaries. I had a perfect cycle with a nice-sized and mature follicle. There's no reason to assume that there was anything wrong with that egg. My donor is in his 20s and we had the sperm washed to weed out the two-headed or otherwise weird swimmers.
I'm not underweight. I don't have underlying health problems. I eat a healthy, balanced diet that includes one square of 70% cacao chocolate. I avoid caffeine. Logically, I know that I don't have a lot to worry about. And yet, I worry. Everyone I've told about this pregnancy assumes that I'll have a baby for Christmas. But I'm worried because I've only had a little bit of mild morning sickness. I'm worried because I've seen other people's joy turn to devastation.
The fact that I know many more people who've had successful pregnancies recently (one of whom is a year older than me and eats like a truck driver), doesn't seem to hold any weight. The fact that I'm experiencing all kinds of other pregnancy symptoms (including TMI ALERT nipples that suddenly look like they should have Playtex embossed on them) doesn't alleviate my fear.
And I know that pregnancy and parenthood is fraught with worry for everyone. Having a child -- another hostage to fortune -- is going to have worries and fears that I can't even imagine right now.
So maybe I should just get used to it.
But I feel cheated because I know too much. I read posts from these blissful women who are over the moon about their pregnancies and I want desperately to fall into that state of gleeful certainty.
But I just can't do it. I'm trying to be zen and accept the fact that if something's going to go wrong there's not a thing I can do about it. I'm trying to tell myself that worrying doesn't help. I'm listening to healthy pregnancy meditations and sending protective and loving feelings to Tenacious B.
*sigh*
Basically?
I WANT TO BELIEVE.
M.
xposted to lj - comments everywhere