Resumé
Megan (Crappy Last Name)
(707)
(address)
Healdsburg, CA 95448
Megan(CrappyLastName)@gmail.com
Work Experience
08/04 - 01/05 Redwood Toxicology Laboratory Santa Rosa, CA
Laboratory Assistant
- Operated and maintained Hitachi machines
- Processed, tested, and labeled urine specimens
- Handled chemical reagents
- Proofread and edited paperwork with accuracy and detail orientation
- Wrote test results
- Light data entry
- Enjoyed assisting coworkers with all of the above
- Perfect three month evaluation
- Always willing to work overtime
- Maintained a clean, safe work environment
11/03 - 05/04 Lake of Dallas Dallas, TX
Customer Service Representative
- Cash handling and reconciliation
- Light merchandising
- Customer assistance via phone and internet
02/98 - 05/04 Self-employed Dallas and Austin areas, TX
House and Pet Sitter
- General pet care for a variety of animals
- Administration of medications
- General house duties
- Had several long-term clients
08/97 - 03/99 M.J. Designs Richardson, TX
Cashier
- Cash handling and reconciliation
- Light Stocking
- Suggestive selling
- Enjoyed helping customers with creative, friendly advice
Education
1996 - 1999 (for some reason putting my old HS here makes me uneasy), TX
- Honors classes
1999 - 2000 (ditto), TX
- Rotary Club "Student of the Month" award
- "A" honor roll
- Graduated fifth in class
Volunteer Work
Garland Animal Adoption Center Garland, TX
- General kennel work
- Light grooming
- Some veterinary assistance
- Provided foster care for mother cats and kittens
- Assisted in various fund raising events
Okay, there's my current resume, sans a couple of jobs and with the addition of one faux job(Lake of Dallas, my mother's bf's company). I have no copy of my old resume which was worded a lot better and approved by people who actually know what they're doing. So I had to start over, tweak some dates, and leave out things I'd normally include(references, skills, objective) because of resume tips I picked up online. I might add skills, I dunno. I don't really have many skillz but I'm an excellent bullshitter. So yeah.. would you hire me to be a clinical laboratory scientist? What about an assistant? Phlebotomist? Janitor? Could I scoop your dog's poop? Would you trust me with your children? With your food? With your Walmart purchases? With your grandmother's life? With your husband's penis? With your money? With your life?
Help.. me.