(no subject)
and then the lights came on in the middle of the night, what I should do with my life, how I should spend my time...
on Saturday my life got turned upside down, and I did it to myself. Reno called and woke me up at noon, only a few hours after I had gotten home and gone to sleep. he had some how figured out my MySpace password and was calling me out on some things he had found out after reading all of my messages, and I realized that I was tired of the jealousy, the insecurity, and the lack of trust. so I broke up with him. I still care about him and I am sorry that he feels so terrible right now, but I don't regret my decision. as a result of breaking up with him I can no longer afford to move to California, so I'm staying here in 'bama. I'm happy though. I'm glad that I'm here, I've found a reason to stay.
even though my life has been pretty chaotic over the past few days things are starting to make a lot of sense, for the first time in a long time. Reno, I'm sorry that I hurt you but you need to learn how to be okay on your own. you can't rely so heavily on another person, because when you do, they can't do anything but let you down. I don't know if we should talk right now, because you don't want to hear anything I have to say. which is completely understandable, and if anyone would know it's me, because I've been in your position before, and for the most part, you're handling it a lot better than I did. our relationship was unhealthy, it made me physically ill right before I left connecticut. I figured that some time apart would be good for us, that we'd both realize how much we love each other and want to be together, but for me it did the opposite. it made me realize that we're just not similar enough to continue being together.
I need someone who's willing to let the small things go, when you fight about everything constantly all it does is make me miserable. you know that I get over things a lot quicker than you do. we were compatible on a lot of levels, but the differences were too much and there were too many downsides to everything. you didn't trust me, and I never gave you any reason not to. I had to lie to you in order to go out, I was sick of sitting online all day and night, and sleeping 12 hours a day. as soon as I started going out I realized that I liked it more than just being a home-body. I'm not ready to settle down. I don't want my life to be made up of only bills and jobs and car payments, I want more than that.
I have the support of all my friends and family in my decision. you made me feel like shit, you made me weak, you made me hate myself. incase you're wondering why I left you, why don't you think back to all the times you took me for granted, all the times you made me cry, and all the times you left when I needed you. if you want to call me a bitch and hate me that is fine. sure, I wasn't nice to you all of the time. do you ever wonder why? how can I be nice to someone who makes me miserable? think whatever you want to, I don't care either way. I know in my heart what is true and that's all that matters to me. being true to myself. I will be true to myself until I die, or else I may as well be dead. see, my tattoos do mean something.
on Saturday my life got turned upside down, and I did it to myself. Reno called and woke me up at noon, only a few hours after I had gotten home and gone to sleep. he had some how figured out my MySpace password and was calling me out on some things he had found out after reading all of my messages, and I realized that I was tired of the jealousy, the insecurity, and the lack of trust. so I broke up with him. I still care about him and I am sorry that he feels so terrible right now, but I don't regret my decision. as a result of breaking up with him I can no longer afford to move to California, so I'm staying here in 'bama. I'm happy though. I'm glad that I'm here, I've found a reason to stay.
even though my life has been pretty chaotic over the past few days things are starting to make a lot of sense, for the first time in a long time. Reno, I'm sorry that I hurt you but you need to learn how to be okay on your own. you can't rely so heavily on another person, because when you do, they can't do anything but let you down. I don't know if we should talk right now, because you don't want to hear anything I have to say. which is completely understandable, and if anyone would know it's me, because I've been in your position before, and for the most part, you're handling it a lot better than I did. our relationship was unhealthy, it made me physically ill right before I left connecticut. I figured that some time apart would be good for us, that we'd both realize how much we love each other and want to be together, but for me it did the opposite. it made me realize that we're just not similar enough to continue being together.
I need someone who's willing to let the small things go, when you fight about everything constantly all it does is make me miserable. you know that I get over things a lot quicker than you do. we were compatible on a lot of levels, but the differences were too much and there were too many downsides to everything. you didn't trust me, and I never gave you any reason not to. I had to lie to you in order to go out, I was sick of sitting online all day and night, and sleeping 12 hours a day. as soon as I started going out I realized that I liked it more than just being a home-body. I'm not ready to settle down. I don't want my life to be made up of only bills and jobs and car payments, I want more than that.
I have the support of all my friends and family in my decision. you made me feel like shit, you made me weak, you made me hate myself. incase you're wondering why I left you, why don't you think back to all the times you took me for granted, all the times you made me cry, and all the times you left when I needed you. if you want to call me a bitch and hate me that is fine. sure, I wasn't nice to you all of the time. do you ever wonder why? how can I be nice to someone who makes me miserable? think whatever you want to, I don't care either way. I know in my heart what is true and that's all that matters to me. being true to myself. I will be true to myself until I die, or else I may as well be dead. see, my tattoos do mean something.