Wow
Been a long time. Read the last entry that I made... I can't believe I was so naive. Everyone told me that we wouldn't make it, hell even I told me we wouldn't make it. And we didn't. Things just go so bad and I didn't know what to do anymore but I just went along with it so that things wouldn't end up like they are anyways. does that even make any sense? didn't think so. Anywho, I just can't deal with even hearing his name anymore let alone thinking about him all the time like I am. We treated each other so poorly yet for some reason when I see pictures of him with other people I just can't handle it (mostly b/c it's just proof that he has been lying to me and that our whole realtionship was just one big lie on top of everything else that was wrong with it. I just want to be able to tell him how much he really hurt me and for him to be able to actually acknowledge and be honestly sorry for the way he treated me. All I really want is closure but I can't get that when the person I need to talk to is never able to communicate (with anyone).
Spent some time in Ohio with my dad (which was awesome) and got to talk to Karyn a lot and she and I have been through a lot of the same kind of crap and I think God put her in my life so that I would know that everything could eventually be ok. It just REALLY hurts to know that I was (yet again) forgiving Chris for everything and getting ready to let him explain himself for the 496739645 time and then the crap just came out of no where and hit the fan with full force. I can't do this anymore and I need to just focus on me and what I want (even though it's really hard and it hurts a LOT) but I can't have him nor anyone else in my life who will bring me down and not support me like he did. I just want someone to be able to be there whether I need someone to talk to, cry on or just go out and have a good time with and I have yet to find someone like that. Granted, I'm met a lot of people who have some or most of the qualities I want but i guess I'm just being too picky but I have to be. I can't keep going through this.
I hate being alone, more than anything and I think that's the hardest thying about living out here. All I really have is family and some co-workers but no "friends". No one like Jenn or Ape and I miss that and I get so tempted to go back to Ca just b/c I know i would have that out there and I want that BAD! So torn ... like always.
I don't know what else to write... it just feels good to be able to vent again about all this crap that has been building up in me since the last time I wrote in the damned thing. So I guess I should get back to work even though I really don't want to (since my mind is wandering more than... well something that wanders a whole hell of a lot). All of those who believe in God, please pray that I don't have another "incident" like the one I did almost 2 yrs ago. Thanks.
Spent some time in Ohio with my dad (which was awesome) and got to talk to Karyn a lot and she and I have been through a lot of the same kind of crap and I think God put her in my life so that I would know that everything could eventually be ok. It just REALLY hurts to know that I was (yet again) forgiving Chris for everything and getting ready to let him explain himself for the 496739645 time and then the crap just came out of no where and hit the fan with full force. I can't do this anymore and I need to just focus on me and what I want (even though it's really hard and it hurts a LOT) but I can't have him nor anyone else in my life who will bring me down and not support me like he did. I just want someone to be able to be there whether I need someone to talk to, cry on or just go out and have a good time with and I have yet to find someone like that. Granted, I'm met a lot of people who have some or most of the qualities I want but i guess I'm just being too picky but I have to be. I can't keep going through this.
I hate being alone, more than anything and I think that's the hardest thying about living out here. All I really have is family and some co-workers but no "friends". No one like Jenn or Ape and I miss that and I get so tempted to go back to Ca just b/c I know i would have that out there and I want that BAD! So torn ... like always.
I don't know what else to write... it just feels good to be able to vent again about all this crap that has been building up in me since the last time I wrote in the damned thing. So I guess I should get back to work even though I really don't want to (since my mind is wandering more than... well something that wanders a whole hell of a lot). All of those who believe in God, please pray that I don't have another "incident" like the one I did almost 2 yrs ago. Thanks.