Gasp gasp! Shock shock! Boom boom!
[ PRIVATE LOCKED ]
I'm not sure if the water-on-Austen thing was supposed to shock or impress or what. I made a big show of approving, but upon further contemplation, I'm wondering if this girl even knows what kind of social maze she's building around herself. I'm not sure she does. In fact, I'm pretty fucking sure she doesn't. I think she's lost; lost and confused and won't be ditching those conditions any time soon, even with help. I'd be glad to help, of course, but I don't think she'd take it. Not real help. It took her an incredible amount of effort to just ask me if she could stay the night in my room.
It shouldn't be that hard for someone to ask that of someone else. I ache for a time where weary travelers would seek refuge, a meal and a bed, and people would gladly welcome them into their homes and provide, because it's what they would expect and be grateful for if the conditions were switched. Anyway, I wonder what I can do for this girl. She seems to trust me, at least as much as she can trust anyone. I wonder if that means something or I just am reading too much into it. Bah. Probably the latter.
Never mind that I'm a little grumpy lately. Ailey dumped me. It wasn't the dumping itself -- I've been ready for that for a while, though granted it's not for whom I thought it'd be -- it was the way she did it. I absolutely resent people who think that hurting others to achieve some sort of distance is a positive course of action. It would've been so much better if she'd just told me, instead of giving that whole 'we want different things and we've got nothing in common' thing. I can accept the first, but the latter is bull. We may not share the same exact interests, but something drew us together and kept us in good spirits and it certainly wasn't her ever-present cheery attitude towards snark, which let's be honest is a bit much. Ugh. Now I'm pointing out things that maybe somewhat irked me just a little about her in an effort to make myself feel better. How vaguely pathetic. Stop it, Mark.
Truth is, I'm happy for her. I just wish she'd had then gumption to be honest and clean with me. I mean, I told her as much, though with different words, and there were hasty apologies and what not, but they felt a little empty. Like maybe she really did mean it when she said some of those things; like maybe she does feel that way. I don't know. I hope not. But I've got that sinking, unshakable feeling that things are not going to progress smoothly. Like something has irreversibly changed and it's not that I won't be dipping my wick in her wax anymore. It's something deeper. I just hope it isn't me.
I take that back. I hope it is me. I hope it isn't her.
I'm worried about Victor. He hasn't been talking to me much, even at rehearsals. I've tried not to pry, though. I think whatever this thing with Anya and Woody is, it's got him up in knots. He's retreating into himself. I can tell, because I'm not stupid, basically.
I also think I freaked Maudie out. I think she's not used to people being nice just to be nice and offering of themselves without asking for something back. Hell, she fairly admitted that with one exception, everyone who goes to her wants something. To me, that says she's got that one friend; and that's no way to live.
But then, maybe I should mind my own goddamn business. Maybe.
I'm not sure if the water-on-Austen thing was supposed to shock or impress or what. I made a big show of approving, but upon further contemplation, I'm wondering if this girl even knows what kind of social maze she's building around herself. I'm not sure she does. In fact, I'm pretty fucking sure she doesn't. I think she's lost; lost and confused and won't be ditching those conditions any time soon, even with help. I'd be glad to help, of course, but I don't think she'd take it. Not real help. It took her an incredible amount of effort to just ask me if she could stay the night in my room.
It shouldn't be that hard for someone to ask that of someone else. I ache for a time where weary travelers would seek refuge, a meal and a bed, and people would gladly welcome them into their homes and provide, because it's what they would expect and be grateful for if the conditions were switched. Anyway, I wonder what I can do for this girl. She seems to trust me, at least as much as she can trust anyone. I wonder if that means something or I just am reading too much into it. Bah. Probably the latter.
Never mind that I'm a little grumpy lately. Ailey dumped me. It wasn't the dumping itself -- I've been ready for that for a while, though granted it's not for whom I thought it'd be -- it was the way she did it. I absolutely resent people who think that hurting others to achieve some sort of distance is a positive course of action. It would've been so much better if she'd just told me, instead of giving that whole 'we want different things and we've got nothing in common' thing. I can accept the first, but the latter is bull. We may not share the same exact interests, but something drew us together and kept us in good spirits and it certainly wasn't her ever-present cheery attitude towards snark, which let's be honest is a bit much. Ugh. Now I'm pointing out things that maybe somewhat irked me just a little about her in an effort to make myself feel better. How vaguely pathetic. Stop it, Mark.
Truth is, I'm happy for her. I just wish she'd had then gumption to be honest and clean with me. I mean, I told her as much, though with different words, and there were hasty apologies and what not, but they felt a little empty. Like maybe she really did mean it when she said some of those things; like maybe she does feel that way. I don't know. I hope not. But I've got that sinking, unshakable feeling that things are not going to progress smoothly. Like something has irreversibly changed and it's not that I won't be dipping my wick in her wax anymore. It's something deeper. I just hope it isn't me.
I take that back. I hope it is me. I hope it isn't her.
I'm worried about Victor. He hasn't been talking to me much, even at rehearsals. I've tried not to pry, though. I think whatever this thing with Anya and Woody is, it's got him up in knots. He's retreating into himself. I can tell, because I'm not stupid, basically.
I also think I freaked Maudie out. I think she's not used to people being nice just to be nice and offering of themselves without asking for something back. Hell, she fairly admitted that with one exception, everyone who goes to her wants something. To me, that says she's got that one friend; and that's no way to live.
But then, maybe I should mind my own goddamn business. Maybe.