(no subject)
I haven't been here to write enough. This is a shame. My thoughts are still just as sharp and concise as they've ever been.
I am not drinking as much as I did previously.
I haven't been able to write, as recently I have let self-doubt and plain boring laziness convince me that I am useless.
During the windows of lucidity and clarity I have had little gems of thoughts that just swim away once I sit down at the computer.
I think about girls and drinking and work and life in one whole tightly bound machine.
I think about how memories are who we are. But then I ponder upon how my memories are altered and twisted by my own words, by the words of others.
The difference between these thoughts and then other peoples stories.
I have been tattooing a lot recently. Listening to tiny tales.
I did a religiously significant tattoo with a sheep with seven horns and seven eyes. Revelations 5:6.
I am in the middle of doing an azalea for a girl who works for a charity that helps prostitutes and homeless women, by the same name.
I'm touching up a couple of other tattoos. I have three more to start.
I am drawing constantly. Everyday. Something or other.
I keep thinking back to past relationships.
Mainly Silvia.
My head is still dealing with the whole thing, even though it's been a year.
I never really cared for people. I don't know why, but I chose to care for her. I guess I thought it was about time I cared for something. Someone.
Mostly the other girls were always a stop-gap. Always something in-between. And by that, I don't mean on-to something better.
Just on-to something else. I have never believed in perfection. Or "the one and only". But I guess I have been holding out for it.
I usually see what's wrong with people straight away. My judging eye has always been a gift as well as a curse.
I can usually pin-point the insecurities of a person immediately. Not exactly a great ability, but I guess it was an unwanted addition to my pointless and constant introspective narrative.
So with Silvia I guess I turned it all off. I got into the habit of always letting the bad stuff about her slip away without addressing them.
Only recently have I reverted back to my old self. I've had to teach myself to laugh again. Smile some.
I have a fresh new passport and many friends. I am working again on many projects and life is good.
My smile isn't as bright as before, but then there are only so many repairs you can do to something ruined.
My motorcycle is having a bit of an over-haul as it is, as we speak, having all the seals replaced on the front callipers. Not exactly expensive in parts, but the labour is costly.
I decided that I will get her up to standard again and paint her up in a way that will make me love her even more.
She's never really going to love me back, but she will inspire me and give me time and space.
In reflection to the part of my life that was Silvia, I have finally allowed myself to remember all the bad parts of her.
Is that how you kill love? It's usual for me to run through all the reasons why I want to be with someone.
It's a little backwards for me to go through the reasons why I shouldn't. But when I finished the list, it was quite lengthy.
Strange how my memories build up someone to such great heights. Then it takes equal time and effort to break them down again.
I have been dating lots of girls. Seen 5 girls in just as many weeks. Sarah stayed the night the other night. Nothing happened.
Which tells me that nothing ever will. After 5/6 beers and equal amount of tequila shots, a girl in her underwear in my bed.
The Clair situation is still weird. I am sure I would've tried after that much alcohol. But me and alcohol are good friends.
Alcohol won't let me do things that I know will kill me. My ego can't take another hit right now.
The whole dating thing is exhausting. I can't keep up with all the different girls and all the different stories.
I have never been able to market myself anyway, but trying to do so with so many different demographics is near impossible.
I have always wondered how you stop doing something that you love doing. I am 34 years old, and I have only just discovered how you do so.