Fic (Big Bang) - Do the Trick
Title: Do the Trick
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Daesung/TOP
Word count: 14809
Warnings: Futurefic; some gratuitous liberty-taking with the futures of Big Bang's respective members.
Summary: Five years after disbanding, Seunghyun decides to catch up.
Notes: This fic owes soooo much to my lovely betas, reallycorking and butterflyweb. ♥ Title comes from this song by Dr. Dog, which pretty well sums up how ridiculously sappy I've gotten about this pairing.
Sorry in advance for the cross-posting!
Seunghyun is nervous despite himself, waiting at a back corner table for Seungri to join him at the barbecue restaurant they chose for dinner. It's a small, quiet place, and late enough that there are only a few other diners, but he still feels weirdly conspicuous sitting alone. He's downed a beer and a half already by the time Seungri shows up, predictably late but, less predictably, apologetic about it.
"I told them I had somewhere to be at ten," Seungri greets him, removing his sunglasses and gesturing angrily at no one. "I'm really sorry."
"It's not a big deal." Seunghyun stands awkwardly, unsure of how to greet the maknae who's not really his maknae anymore. Thankfully, Seungri doesn't seem quite as uncomfortable with the situation; he claps Seunghyun on the shoulders before pulling him into a hug, and it gets easier from there.
"It's been too long," Seungri says.
It has. "I know. A year?"
"Too long. Where have you been, anyway?"
"All over the place," Seunghyun says, hoping to let it drop there.
They press the button on their table and the waitress shows up to get Seungri's drink order, then, tripping briefly over her words, his autograph. It's to be expected, but still a little jarring, that she doesn't even realize who Seunghyun is at first.
"That's T.O.P. from Big Bang," Seungri says helpfully, gesturing at Seunghyun with his pen when he's done signing the waitress's planner.
She gasps. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize-"
Seunghyun smiles tightly, fighting the urge to smack Seungri upside the head. At least that's familiar.
"It's fine," he says. "My hair's pretty different these days." He keeps it black and relatively short now, a probably futile attempt to recover from all the years of bleach.
"You're fatter, too," Seungri says with a grin, but now the waitress wants his autograph too, and Seunghyun ignores him in favor of obliging her.
"Ass," Seunghyun says once she's finally bowed herself out of the room.
Seungri just laughs. "So, really. What have you been doing?"
It's a hard question to answer coming from anyone, but especially Seungri. They haven't kept in touch very well, and seeing Seungri in his present state-well put-together and still comfortably in the limelight, the host of his own variety show-is admittedly hard on Seunghyun's ego.
"I haven't been doing much," Seunghyun admits, chuckling and fidgeting with his watch.
They disbanded officially five years ago, but the other members have kept busy. Seungri is hosting his show and engaged to a member of one of the newer girl groups-she's way too young for him, but they look happy enough from what Seunghyun has seen on the internet. Youngbae is YG's new Master Hwang, and in some ways also the new Sean, already settled down with a wife and kids at home. Jiyong worked a solo career for three years, but even now that he's on hiatus he's writing and producing half the music YG pumps out. Daesung's solo career is still going strong.
Other than a handful of collaborations and a lot of traveling, Seunghyun hasn't done shit.
"Jiyong keeps saying you need to go back to YG and produce with him," Seungri says at length, his expression consolatory.
That's way too embarrassing. When did Seunghyun get so pathetic that the brattiest maknae in the world has started to pity him?
"I'm still considering my options," Seunghyun says, so forced he can feel his face burning. Seungri lets it drop, though, in a display of maturity Seunghyun wouldn't have thought him capable of a few years ago, and he at once feels guilty for letting so much distance grow between them. The fact that the change is so noticeable means he's been away too long.
"We're talking about a June wedding," Seungri says to change the subject, after his drink has arrived and they've ordered enough meat for four. "I'm assuming you'll be available?"
Seunghyun scowls and Seungri just smirks. "Yeah. I still have to meet Aecha, though."
"Are you going to be in Seoul for a while? You can come for dinner whenever you want. Jiyong comes sometimes."
"I'm not sure how long yet, but yeah, we'll make it happen soon." Seunghyun avoids Seungri's gaze and toys with his watch again.
Part of the reason he's back is to answer that very question; he's still hovering on the brink of giving up his villa, since he hasn't been around enough in the past year to justify having it. But considering that the other reason is because he seems to have run out of places to run away to, maybe he should keep it.
"Good," Seungri says.
A silence falls and soon grows heavy and awkward, to the point that Seungri mutters an apology and pulls out his phone to text something.
"Do you know how Daesung is doing?" he asks as he puts it away again.
The question makes Seunghyun jolt. "I have no idea," he says, a little too quick.
Seungri considers him for a few seconds before resting his chin in his hand. "He's the hardest one to get a hold of these days, other than you. But I assumed you two would still be in contact, at least."
Out of the corner of his eye, Seunghyun sees the waitress approaching with their bowl of meat, and he's immensely grateful for the distraction. He keeps his eyes trained on the bowl when he says, "What do you mean?"
The waitress bows away again with Seungri's thanks, but the bowl just sits untouched between them until Seunghyun reluctantly looks up.
"Why are you doing this to yourself, Hyung?" Seungri seems genuinely confused, rather than accusatory, but still Seunghyun feels like he's lost his appetite.
"I'm not really your hyung anymore," he mutters.
Seungri sighs before picking up the tongs and laying the meat slowly, strip by strip, to sizzle on the grill. "I always looked up to you the most, you know."
Seunghyun frowns. "Me? What about Jiyong?"
"I liked Jiyong best," Seungri says-it's good to see he's at least as unabashed about speaking his mind now as ever- "but I looked up to you. You were the coolest person I knew. I wanted to be you, most days."
There's nothing Seunghyun can think to say to that. He blinks for so long that Seungri starts to laugh.
"Don't look so surprised," he says. "I was always so pissed we had to share a name. I couldn't stand being compared to you."
"That must have been a hard burden to bear," Seunghyun agrees, recovering a little.
After giving him an obligatory kick under the table, Seungri says, "I only bring it up because I always thought you could do anything."
Seunghyun tenses a little. "So?"
"So, live up to it. It's depressing seeing you like this."
There's nothing Seunghyun can think to say to that, either. He shifts his eyes away from Seungri's, down to the table.
"You cooked all the meat," Seunghyun says suddenly, finding his plate full of perfect, sizzling beef and pork.
Seungri grins. "We all have to grow up sometime."
~
"Seunghyun!"
Youngbae opens the door to his apartment and immediately pulls Seunghyun into a crushing embrace, which he struggles against only briefly. There's never been any point in trying to fight those biceps.
"It's so good to see you," Youngbae says quietly, close to Seunghyun's ear. "Are you finally done disappearing on us?"
The welcome is so heartfelt that Seunghyun starts, ridiculously, to tear up. "It's good to see you too," is all he can manage in return, but he tries to wrap his arms just as tightly around Youngbae's back. For the most part, Youngbae is exactly the same as the last time Seunghyun saw him, although even after a couple years, Seunghyun doesn't think he'll ever get used to the fuzzy, close-cropped hair. It took disbanding and getting married for Youngbae to finally lose the mohawk.
Youngbae's daughters race in to greet Seunghyun next-three-year-old twins, if Seunghyun is remembering right, both girls. He's not great with kids, but Youngbae's offspring are fucking adorable.
"Say hi to Uncle Seunghyun, girls," Youngbae says.
They chant in practically perfect unison, "Hi!", and Seunghyun covers his mouth to hide his laugh.
"They're better trained than Boss ever was," he says.
"If Youngbae had his way, they wouldn't be," says Sunhee, Youngbae's wife, turning the corner. "He can't discipline to save his life. I'm always the bad guy."
Youngbae smiles guiltily and Seunghyun laughs, moving to give Sunhee a hug. He's liked her since even before she and Youngbae started dating, and because she was one of Big Bang's regular backup dancers, they're actually pretty familiar. When Youngbae first told them, everyone was a little stunned; Sunhee is tough as nails and about as fundamentally opposite Youngbae as humanly possible. Once Seunghyun realized she's basically the female Jiyong, though, it kind of all came together.
"Should we come in and help clean up?" Youngbae says.
"What, so you can rile them up before bed? No way. You two are banished to the balcony."
Which Seunghyun is pretty sure is just a subtle way of giving them some alone time. He smiles and gives Sunhee a nod.
"Thanks," Youngbae says, kissing her on the cheek. The gesture makes Seunghyun feel unexpectedly strange, something twisting painfully in his gut, but he shakes it off when Sunhee rolls her eyes and pushes Youngbae away.
"Please make him talk about something other than work for a few minutes!" she calls after Seunghyun, who waves his acknowledgement and follows Youngbae onto the balcony. It's spacious but simple, with just two pristine-looking chairs and an awesome view of the city. Seunghyun privately makes a note to check out the state of his own patio furniture when he gets back.
"So, how's work?" Seunghyun asks, after sliding the glass door shut. They both laugh.
"It's good," Youngbae says. "The new kids are hard workers, for the most part." As soon as Seunghyun pulls up a chair, Youngbae jerks to his feet. "Oh, sorry-you want a drink?"
Seunghyun raises an eyebrow. "Uh-what do you have?" He knows Youngbae isn't much of a drinker, especially now that he's got kids, but Seunghyun would kill for a beer.
"Just about everything." Youngbae laughs. "It's Sunhee's. She says after I give birth to twins I can talk to her about drinking habits."
Seunghyun grins. "Beer, then."
Youngbae ends up bringing back one for himself, too-"It's a special occasion," he explains-and they toast to nothing in particular, watching the sunset over the city quietly for a while.
"Do you miss it?" Youngbae asks, once Seunghyun has already finished his beer but is trying to pretend he hasn't so he doesn't look like too much of an alcoholic.
He sets down his can with a hollow clunk, and a look of amused understanding crosses Youngbae's face. From his left, he mysteriously produces another, which Seunghyun accepts, only sort of embarrassed.
"Thanks." He takes a good swallow before answering, "Yeah. Not all of it, but a lot. Especially lately, I-" He cuts himself off, dangerously close to making himself sound too pathetic again. "I miss all of you guys," he covers, giving Youngbae a smile.
Youngbae smiles back, a little sadly. "I still feel bad sometimes. Like it was my fault."
It's true that Youngbae's sudden engagement came at a time that marked the beginning of the end. But-"That wasn't why," Seunghyun says, genuinely. Big Bang's time was coming to a close no matter how much they all wanted to pretend otherwise.
"Yeah." Youngbae looks out over the city again and Seunghyun wishes more than anything he could scrub some of that guilt off his face. Out of all of them, of course Youngbae would be the one to try and carry the burden of their breakup on his shoulders.
"Hey," Seunghyun says, intending to change the subject, but just then the balcony door slides open and one of the twins pops her head out.
"Daddy, Mommy says it's bedtime so you and Uncle Seunghyun have to leave." She turns her gaze on Seunghyun then and asks, "Did you bring presents?"
"Jinae!" Youngbae snaps. "Don't be rude!"
"Oh, right," Seunghyun mutters. He left a bag of souvenirs from his recent trip to America in the entryway.
They decide to take the dog for a walk-Youngbae immediately got a new Boston Terrier after Boss died, several years ago now-and finish their beers quickly. Seunghyun hands over the bag of gifts to the twins as he's putting on his shoes, and the ensuing chaos makes him simultaneously sorry for Sunhee and glad they're getting out of there.
"It never really gets any quieter," Youngbae sighs once they're outside, letting the dog pull him toward the nearest bush, but Seunghyun doesn't miss the peaceful expression on his face.
"It's exactly what you always wanted," Seunghyun says.
Youngbae smiles dopily. "I know."
The twist in his gut comes back but Seunghyun does his best to ignore it, stuffing his hands deep in his pockets and feeling annoyed with himself. Seeing Youngbae this at ease, all the sleeplessness and worry lines gone from his face, should only make Seunghyun happy, but he selfishly can't help but resent the sharp contrast with his own post-Big Bang life. When he notices Youngbae studying him, Seunghyun flips his hood up and starts to walk faster.
It's a nice night out, warm for the fall, and Seunghyun lets his mind wander as they follow the dog nowhere in particular, down steep embankments alongside the river, stopping frequently for pee breaks. The calm is only occasionally broken by a passing jogger.
And then Youngbae, when he abruptly asks, "Have you been talking to Daesung?"
Seunghyun's shoulders tighten up. "Not in a while," he says, words clipped.
"Hmm."
There's a lot going on behind Youngbae's hum, but Seunghyun grits his teeth and doesn't comment.
"I feel like it'd be a lot easier for you to be happy right now than you think," Youngbae says.
He wants to scowl and give the cold shoulder for a while-his tried and trusted method for dealing with Youngbae when he's in judgmental mode-but Seunghyun can't help but reply, "Who says I'm unhappy?"
Youngbae scoffs. "Come on, Seunghyun. How long have we known each other?"
After that, Youngbae lets it drop. The rest of the walk is nice enough, and by the time they return to Youngbae's building they're even making idle conversation again, but Seunghyun's thoughts are scattered and he has a hard time focusing on the words.
~
Seunghyun is embarrassed by how nerve-wracking a simple trip to YG Studios has become to him, but he can't help the way his palms are sweating as he looks up at the building, phone unresponsive in his pocket. He was hoping to get Jiyong to meet him outside to avoid any awkward encounters, but his last several texts have gone unanswered. After one final glimpse at his phone, just to make sure he hasn't missed a message, he squares his shoulders and forces himself to walk inside.
It's a familiar and easy enough journey to the recording studio where he guesses he'll find Jiyong, but he keeps looking over his shoulder the whole time, like he's snuck in somewhere he's not supposed to be. Jiyong is at the computer when Seunghyun opens the door, and despite Seunghyun's efforts to slip in noiselessly and not distract from anything important, when they make eye contact Jiyong jumps up from his chair.
"It's Bingu!" he cheers, launching himself at Seunghyun and scrambling up into an off-kilter piggyback.
"Get off me," Seunghyun chokes. Jiyong doesn't, so he plays dirty and falls backward onto the couch.
"I surrender, get up before I die," Jiyong groans, voice muffled into Seunghyun's shirt. Seunghyun allows himself to crush Jiyong for just a few more seconds before finally rolling off, grinding his butt into Jiyong's stomach for good measure.
"You need to gain weight," Seunghyun says. "You're skinnier than the last time I saw you."
"I'll take some of yours," Jiyong says, grinning. He jumps away just in time to avoid Seunghyun's punch.
A kid whose name Seunghyun should definitely know-his stage name is Destiny, but that's all Seunghyun can remember-opens the door to the booth cautiously, eyeing Jiyong and Seunghyun like they're dangerous. "Uh, Jiyong-Hyung, should I stay or . . . ?"
"Get out of here," Jiyong replies, moving to tousle Destiny's hair affectionately. "Good work today, are you up for more tomorrow?"
The kid nods, then mutters a respectful greeting to Seunghyun before grabbing his bag and escaping from the room. They wave until he's out the door, and then Jiyong is climbing all over Seunghyun again, crooning into his ear, "Bingu Bingu, stop switching your words . . . why are you confusing me, why are you playing with me-"
"Do you want to die?" Seunghyun says, but only out of habit. He can remember hating it back when all the other members started serenading him by changing the Bingle Bingle lyrics to "Bingu Bingu," but it's been so long since he last heard it even he has to admit it's kind of funny now.
"Bingu Bingu, my head hurts, oh oh oh . . . I can't help it, I missed you!" He loops his arms around Seunghyun's neck again, and Seunghyun reciprocates by rubbing Jiyong's head.
"What are we going to do tonight?" Jiyong asks cheerfully. "Dinner? Drinks? Clubbing?" He emphasizes the last word by jostling Seunghyun back and forth, until Seunghyun bursts into laughter.
"You're the one who has work tomorrow. You decide."
Jiyong disengages himself and waves Seunghyun off, standing to collect his things scattered around the room-a hat, his wallet, a pack of cigarettes. "I start whenever I want. No one cares if I'm showered or just wearing pajamas, either. Producing is sweet."
Seunghyun decides not to take the bait, changing the subject. "Is anyone else around?" He says it as nonchalantly as possible, but Jiyong misses nothing.
"Daesung's not in today," he answers immediately. Seunghyun feels his cheeks get hot. "Youngbae should be home by now. I think YG might still be here, if you want to talk to him about producing-"
"That's fine," Seunghyun interrupts. "Another time."
Jiyong pouts. "I wish you'd just come back already. It'd be a lot more fun with you around."
It's not that Seunghyun doesn't want to. Helping to make music while staying mostly out of the spotlight and spending time with Jiyong and some of the other faces he's missed from YG sounds nice. But part of the reason he took time off and started traveling was to sort his life out, and until he does, going back feels like stalling, playing pretend.
"I'm not quite ready yet," Seunghyun says, apologetic. "I've just gotta figure some stuff out."
Jiyong looks at him like he knows exactly what Seunghyun needs to figure out, but unfortunately, he doesn't share. "Okay," he says. "But I'm gonna bring it up again when you're drunk."
Seunghyun knows Jiyong is as good as his word, so as soon they sit down at the bar in the first club of the evening-some newer place Jiyong insists they'll be able to hear each other talk at, with an exclusive enough clientele that they'll be left alone-Seunghyun begins implementing his plan to get Jiyong drunk first.
"So yeah, I guess I've slept with like five of the trainees," Jiyong says blearily, already six drinks in to Seunghyun's three and a half. His technique is to pretend to knock them back while secretly only taking sips so Jiyong has to hurry to keep up.
"Good to know some things never change," Seunghyun says. And some really don't: Jiyong is back to chain smoking again, although he insists he's going to quit soon, for good this time. His hair is still bleached blond, which he's mostly stuck with since going on hiatus, for reasons Seunghyun can't fathom. He has a different bedmate every night of the week. "Aren't you getting a little old for seducing everyone you meet?"
The grin Jiyong gives him is way too self-satisfied for his own good. "Nobody keeps track of my age anymore. I'm on hiatus, remember?"
"Fair enough." Seunghyun snorts and takes a real swig of his drink, the beginnings of a comfortable buzz just setting in. The blinding lights flashing around them are making him wish he were drunker, though. "You really like producing that much? Aren't you ever gonna go back?"
It's probably kind of a rude question to ask upfront, but Seunghyun figures he can get away with it, especially when they're drinking. He's never stopped wondering why Jiyong cut his solo career off when he did; his ratings were off the charts and his sales were still breaking records, even into the third year.
Jiyong doesn't seem offended, though, just shakes his head and finishes his drink. "One more of the same, please," he says to the bartender, before returning his attention to Seunghyun. "Nah. I don't know. Those were probably the hardest years for me since debuting. I was miserable all the time."
A pang of guilt stabs at Seunghyun. He's stayed in contact with Jiyong the best out of everyone, but somehow this news is still a complete shock to him. "I didn't know," he says thickly. "But-you always wanted to go solo so bad?"
"I know." Jiyong's smile is a little sad, even through the alcohol. "But once I really got it, it wasn't right." He pauses to accept his next drink from the bartender, taking a sip before elaborating, "I think maybe Big Bang was it for us. It was exactly what we were meant to do. But that doesn't mean it was supposed last forever, and it doesn't mean we have to be unhappy now."
His gaze sharpens suddenly, and Seunghyun hastily looks down into his glass as Jiyong jabs a finger in his direction. "Seunghyun. You're making yourself unhappy."
"What are you talking about?" Just so he'll have something to do with his hands, Seunghyun sloshes some of his drink on the bar top and starts mopping it up with a napkin. "You're the one who just said you were miserable."
"I was miserable. Before. Then I made some changes to my life and now everything's fine again. Everything's great. What are you changing?"
There's nothing left to mop up, but Seunghyun pushes around the mess of soggy napkins in a circle, tracing a pattern onto the bar. The lights reflecting off his glass are starting to give him a headache. "I don't know what needs changing," he mutters. "That's the problem."
"God, you're an idiot," Jiyong groans. "You could start by calling Daesung."
Seunghyun bristles, tearing the puddle of napkins in half. "Why the hell does everyone keep saying that?"
When he dares to meet Jiyong's eyes, he falters at the unexpected pity in his expression. "Really, Seunghyun?" Jiyong says quietly. "Even now?"
It dawns on Seunghyun that despite getting Jiyong drunk faster, he's still been cornered into a conversation he never intended to have. "Let's go dance," he suggests, the only diversionary tactic he knows will always work on Jiyong. He finishes the rest of his drink in one swallow and stands, waiting for Jiyong to do the same.
"You're hopeless," Jiyong says, clapping him on the back, but he's cheerful and distracted now, guiding Seunghyun toward the small but busy dance floor. "Hey, I wrote this song!"
"I need another drink before I can dance to this crap," Seunghyun says, earning him a kick to the shins, but he darts back to the bar and grabs another anyway. Jiyong doesn't need to know that he wants to drink himself into oblivion for a different reason entirely.
~
The next day is hell. Seunghyun wakes up at 1:30, head throbbing and mouth dry, to a text from Jiyong:
fuck you this is the worst day of my life
It hurts too much to laugh, so Seunghyun just gropes on his bedside table for the glass of water he wisely poured himself the night before and takes a long drink.
haha. you have a job, he texts back.
not today i don't. calling in sick. you can do that when you're a producer ^^
Seunghyun chuckles at that, but regrets it a second later, setting down his phone in order to massage his temples. He picks it up again after the next buzz.
02-822-3828
Seunghyun blinks at the screen, stupidly perplexed, trying to figure out if this is code for something.
what's that? he finally responds.
daesung's new number. i'm sure he sent it to you but i'm sure you also didn't save it.
Maybe Jiyong rightfully predicts that Seunghyun doesn't reply because he feels sick all of a sudden. He struggles out of bed as quickly as he can manage, stumbling to the bathroom to take the longest piss of his life, but once he's decided he's not going to puke just yet, he returns to find another text.
what's the point of being rich and famous if you never even get what you really want?
There's nothing Seunghyun can say in reply, so he carefully, achingly lowers himself back onto his bed, closes his eyes, and remembers.
~
The first time it happened was after Seunghyun visited Family Outing, while watching the airing with Daesung the following Sunday. Jiyong and Youngbae couldn't make it home in time, and Seungri had said he'd watch with them but ended up passing out on the living room couch ten minutes in, so after dragging him to bed Seunghyun and Daesung were alone for the broadcast. That suited Seunghyun fine; he liked spending time with just Daesung.
"Look at you, you're so cute, Hyung," Daesung said, pinching one of Seunghyun's cheeks and beaming at him.
"I'm so awkward," Seunghyun corrected, swatting Daesung's hand away but then catching it in his own on second thought. Daesung was draped almost entirely on top of him on the couch, head pillowed on his chest, and even though there were no cameras on them, Seunghyun started rubbing Daesung's hand with his thumb. Lately he couldn't seem to turn off the affection no matter where they were, which would be worrying except that it never seemed to exactly bother Daesung.
"That's what's cute." Daesung hummed against Seunghyun's chest and Seunghyun liked the feel of it, cozy and warming, buzzing right down to his stomach. "I wish you could be our guest every week."
Seunghyun chuckled and squeezed Daesung's hand. Daesung seemed to be focusing on the show again, but Seunghyun couldn't: he kept honing in on Daesung's breathing and the feel of his heartbeat, his own blood pumping fast in his ears. It made him anxious when he got like this, because it was sloppy and obvious, and it would only take Daesung asking why Seunghyun seemed so tense for something to come tumbling out.
Instead, Daesung started laughing, clutching at Seunghyun's sweatshirt with his free hand and burying his face in it. "I forgot how bad you were with the fish," he said giddily. "Look at your face! You're so scared!"
Glad for the distraction, Seunghyun pretended to be indignant. "It was huge! Its mouth was bigger than my head!" He sat up straighter and gave Daesung a look of outrage, but Daesung only curled into his shirt and laughed harder. "It's not like you were volunteering to pick it up," Seunghyun added, pushing him away.
Daesung let himself be pushed, dramatically flinging onto his back. "Why isn't anyone else here?" he moaned. "I need to tell them you're secretly a huge baby."
"You've told enough secrets about me to people lately," Seunghyun said, recalling all too clearly his least favorite nickname being leaked on national TV. Gripped by something reckless, or maybe just stupid, he moved to straddle Daesung's lap, pinning him to the couch. "Which I haven't paid you back for yet, come to think of it."
"Yes you did! On the show, and then-" Daesung dropped his protest with a yelp as Seunghyun went right for the armpits and started tickling. Sometimes Seunghyun wondered if Daesung let him win these fights, because Daesung's struggling was pathetically futile and Seunghyun definitely wasn't the stronger of the two, but that thought only made his stomach knot up in a nice sort of way.
"Say you're sorry," Seunghyun demanded, one hand still in Daesung's armpit, one under his shirt now, tickling up the side.
"It was an accident! They tricked me!" Daesung gasped, almost unintelligible through his laughter.
"I don't care! Apologize!" Seunghyun lowered his face so he was talking close to Daesung's ear and tickled even harder. Something in the air might have shifted a little, but it was easy to ignore with the TV still blaring in the background and Daesung laughing and wriggling under him.
"I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry!" Even after Seunghyun stopped tickling and collapsed on top of him, giving in to his own laughter, Daesung went on, "You're the smartest hyung in the world! I'll never call you Bingu again! Especially not on TV!"
"All right, all right." Seunghyun knew he should move but couldn't bring himself to, enjoying the sensation of nuzzling in next to Daesung's ear too much. When he accidentally exhaled, a little too slow and hot, against the side of Daesung's neck, he felt Daesung go still beneath him.
They were having all too many moments like this recently. Seunghyun didn't know what to do so he froze, mind whirring, searching desperately for a way out. Sometimes he would do something extra obnoxious, like blowing a raspberry on Daesung's stomach or pinching his nose, to distract them. Sometimes he would roll away and make a jumbled, forced excuse, which was sort of the opposite of smooth but at least gave him a means of escape. Today, Seunghyun was feeling strangely emboldened, a dangerous edge to his thoughts continually repeating What if you tried it just once?
He braced himself against the couch and lifted his head, just enough to really take Daesung in. Daesung was still smiling, but it didn't reach his eyes, and that barest hint of recognition was what made Seunghyun's decision for him. He sucked in one last breath to clear his head, shifted his weight onto his elbows, and kissed Daesung, quick and hard and with his eyes closed.
What was so terrifying was that it wasn't a joke. Seunghyun couldn't laugh his way out of this one, not even with Daesung, because it was too real and too big. So when Daesung responded without half a moment's pause, sliding his hand up the back of Seunghyun's neck and curling fingers in his hair, holding him firmly in place, Seunghyun nearly jerked off the couch in disbelief.
"Daesung," he said sharply, pulling back, scandalized even though he was the one who had started it in the first place.
Daesung just looked at him through half-lidded eyes. "What?" he said, trailing fingers up and down Seunghyun's neck like it was nothing at all, like this was the most natural thing for them to be doing on a Sunday night.
In a moment, the panic that had been steadily building in Seunghyun's chest deflated. He shifted his weight to settle himself more comfortably, which Daesung accommodated by shifting as well, resting his free hand on the small of Seunghyun's back. Then Seunghyun went in for another kiss, almost suspicious of how easy it was, his heart skipping when Daesung met him halfway. He sucked at Daesung's upper lip until Daesung sucked back, and it was Daesung who encouraged Seunghyun, with a nudge and a lick, to open his mouth wider.
"What are we doing?" Seunghyun murmured against Daesung's mouth, in between licking and sucking, although he hadn't intended to speak. He was so foggy and dazed it was as if he had no control over anything anymore, least of all his brain.
Daesung had the nerve to laugh. "Isn't that obvious?" he said, but his voice wasn't entirely steady. He emphasized the words with a slight roll of his hips, and Seunghyun was suddenly aware that he was hard-so hard it was painful, maybe more turned on than he'd ever been in his life.
"Fuck." Seunghyun buried the word into the side of Daesung's neck, then started sucking there, brutally, intending to leave a mark. Daesung swore and dug nails into Seunghyun's scalp, which didn't do anything to help his hard-on. It was pressing into Daesung's hip now, persistent, and he actually wasn't trying to rock forward but it happened, again and again with increasing urgency, until he was unabashedly humping Daesung's side.
"Oh. . . ." Daesung was surprisingly quiet other than a few breathy gasps, maybe remembering Seungri in the other room, but he wasn't shy about keeping up with Seunghyun. He let his legs fall apart, making room for Seunghyun's thigh, and soon they were grinding against each other in the same rhythm, Seunghyun forgetting Daesung's neck to pant against his shoulder, Daesung sliding one hand down the back of Seunghyun's jeans, grabbing his ass.
Seunghyun had had plenty of sex by this point-in relationships and casually, with ordinary women and celebrities, under the influence and sober-but it had never been like this. Dry-humping his bandmate on the couch was hardly the most exciting thing he'd ever done but he was drowning in the feel of it, desperate for it to keep going but at the same time almost wishing it would end because it was too much, his skin was too sensitive, he couldn't breathe. When he finally came it sounded like a sob, and he couldn't stop trembling against Daesung's chest as he buried his face in his shirt, too overwhelmed to think. Daesung kept moving against him, clutching his scalp and ass more tightly until his breath hitched and Seunghyun felt him come too, relaxing slowly, in increments. It was only a few seconds before reality hit Seunghyun hard and he was at once terrified. He had no idea what happened next.
"Hey," Daesung whispered, long before Seunghyun had regained the ability to speak. Seunghyun reluctantly lifted his head and Daesung kissed him, smoothing down his hair, rubbing small circles over his back like he knew he was scared. After a few minutes had passed and their breathing had calmed, Daesung shifted again, helped Seunghyun to readjust more comfortably, and pulled a blanket up over them.
"Stop thinking," Daesung said, closing his eyes and continuing to pet Seunghyun's hair. Seunghyun closed his eyes too, but even pillowed on Daesung's chest he felt like he was suffocating, his panic returning as he drowned in the realization of what they'd just done. This wasn't a dream and it wasn't reversible, and there was no way it could work. He felt like he was going to be sick.
After a little while, Daesung's hand stilled and his breathing fell into an even pattern, but Seunghyun couldn't turn his brain off. He was pretty sure he would never sleep again.
Family Outing had long since ended by the time Jiyong and Youngbae came home. It wasn't that weird to find Seunghyun and Daesung passed out together in front of the TV, so Youngbae just came over to gently rouse them, and Seunghyun put on a good show of pretending to have been asleep.
"You two should get to bed," Youngbae said, looking exhausted himself.
They had no choice, with Jiyong and Youngbae watching, but to go their separate ways, although Daesung gave Seunghyun's hand a squeeze before they stepped apart. Seunghyun watched Daesung go, torn between immense relief and nauseating disappointment, before muttering a good night to Jiyong and Youngbae and heading to bed himself.
He didn't sleep a minute that night, but it still wasn't an excuse for the next day. For the most part, he acted like he'd never seen Daesung before in his life. When that didn't make him feel any better, he got wasted with Jiyong, went to a club, and slept with the first gorgeous woman he could find.
Daesung never brought it up once.
~
The second time didn't happen until years later. It shouldn't have happened at all, but Seunghyun let his guard down, maybe partially because things had healed over too smoothly after Family Outing. Once Seunghyun stopped being awkward all the time Daesung mostly warmed up again, and they got back to the place where they could at least touch and be affectionate on camera. Seunghyun told himself that was enough.
But he was too stupid to stay safe for forever, and that night they were riding on the high of one of their best performances ever of their first world tour, giddy and excitable backstage. The encore was just finished and every stagehand, makeup artist and coordi-noona had already given Seunghyun a hug or a handshake or a clap on the back, congratulating him on a job well done. Somehow, in the whirlwind of stripping out of sweaty costumes and finding water bottles and searching for an available bathroom, he and Daesung had gotten lost together.
"It's definitely this way," Daesung said, pointing down a dark hall with creepy exposed pipes in the ceiling, wiping sweaty bangs out of his face even though they always fell right back into his eyes.
"That's not a bathroom, it's where they keep the Minotaur," Seunghyun said, and even though it was a stupid joke they collapsed together laughing. They proceeded down the hall like that, snickering and falling against each other, until they reached a dead end.
"Storage closet," Daesung said. For whatever reason, he tried the knob.
"They don't keep toilets in those," Seunghyun said, but when the door opened and Daesung stepped inside, Seunghyun didn't hesitate to follow him.
"It's dark," Seunghyun said. Which was a stupid comment for a lot of reasons, but especially because he was the one who had shut the door behind them.
Daesung reached across Seunghyun's shoulder-there was enough space in the closet for two people to stand, if they didn't mind the various mops and buckets, but not a lot beyond that-and tugged on a chain next to his ear, making Seunghyun wince at the sudden brightness.
"See any Minotaurs?" Daesung asked.
Seunghyun tried but couldn't quite manage a straight face, squinting at a point beyond Daesung's shoulder. "I think that's just Taeyang."
They collapsed into each other in laughter again, wheezing and wiping away tears even though the joke hadn't gotten any funnier, and that was when something went wrong. The next moment, Seunghyun was taking a step backward, the backs of his legs hitting the shelves behind him, and he and Daesung were kissing, hard and messy and unrestrained. He tangled his fingers in Daesung's hair and Daesung pressed hands to either side of his neck, stroking thumbs over his jawline, breathing heavy into his mouth.
"You look so hot after concerts," Daesung murmured, abandoning Seunghyun's mouth briefly to kiss at his neck. It made Seunghyun's skin flush even hotter-not just the kissing, but the idea that this was something Daesung noticed often, something he'd been continually thinking about.
"Daesung-" Seunghyun felt dizzy, couldn't get out another word.
"Don't tell me to stop," Daesung said quietly, hands sliding down Seunghyun's chest. The tone of his voice made Seunghyun's stomach hurt.
"No, I-" Seunghyun tried again, but that was exactly when the closet door started to open.
"Daesung-Oppa?" came someone's voice. "Are you-"
Seunghyun and Daesung sprung apart an instant before one of the coordi-noonas could open the door all the way, but between the tiny closet and their flushed lips, their labored breathing and guilty expressions, it couldn't have been more obvious what they were doing.
"Sorry!" she said quickly, backing out and mostly closing the door, leaving just a crack open to talk through. "Sorry, I saw the light and thought-everyone is looking for you two, so I-I'll just wait back by the dressing rooms!"
The sound of her hastily retreating footsteps echoed briefly through the crack, faded, and was gone before either of them could reply.
Seunghyun buried his face in his hands. "Fuck," he said, smacking his forehead soundly against a shelf.
"I'll talk to her," Daesung said quickly. His eyes were wide and scared, and Seunghyun felt like he could see everything that could possibly go wrong reflected in them. "I don't think she'd say anything," Daesung added, looking to Seunghyun now, maybe for reassurance. "She's really nice-"
"Daesung," Seunghyun said, surprised at how much his voice was wavering. "We can't."
For one horrible, gut-churning moment, Daesung looked like he was going to cry. Then it was over, and his expression was unreadable again, calm and collected.
"I know," he agreed. He smoothed back his bangs, straightened his shirt, and put his hand on the doorknob. "I'll go first. You come back a few minutes later, maybe."
Seunghyun felt himself nod, numbly, and watched as Daesung made to open the door, then seemed to suddenly change his mind. He stepped sideways, put a hand on Seunghyun's shoulder, and kissed him just once, light and quick, on the cheek. A second later he escaped without a word, closing the door behind him.
Not running after him was the hardest thing Seunghyun had ever done.
Part Two
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Daesung/TOP
Word count: 14809
Warnings: Futurefic; some gratuitous liberty-taking with the futures of Big Bang's respective members.
Summary: Five years after disbanding, Seunghyun decides to catch up.
Notes: This fic owes soooo much to my lovely betas, reallycorking and butterflyweb. ♥ Title comes from this song by Dr. Dog, which pretty well sums up how ridiculously sappy I've gotten about this pairing.
Sorry in advance for the cross-posting!
Seunghyun is nervous despite himself, waiting at a back corner table for Seungri to join him at the barbecue restaurant they chose for dinner. It's a small, quiet place, and late enough that there are only a few other diners, but he still feels weirdly conspicuous sitting alone. He's downed a beer and a half already by the time Seungri shows up, predictably late but, less predictably, apologetic about it.
"I told them I had somewhere to be at ten," Seungri greets him, removing his sunglasses and gesturing angrily at no one. "I'm really sorry."
"It's not a big deal." Seunghyun stands awkwardly, unsure of how to greet the maknae who's not really his maknae anymore. Thankfully, Seungri doesn't seem quite as uncomfortable with the situation; he claps Seunghyun on the shoulders before pulling him into a hug, and it gets easier from there.
"It's been too long," Seungri says.
It has. "I know. A year?"
"Too long. Where have you been, anyway?"
"All over the place," Seunghyun says, hoping to let it drop there.
They press the button on their table and the waitress shows up to get Seungri's drink order, then, tripping briefly over her words, his autograph. It's to be expected, but still a little jarring, that she doesn't even realize who Seunghyun is at first.
"That's T.O.P. from Big Bang," Seungri says helpfully, gesturing at Seunghyun with his pen when he's done signing the waitress's planner.
She gasps. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize-"
Seunghyun smiles tightly, fighting the urge to smack Seungri upside the head. At least that's familiar.
"It's fine," he says. "My hair's pretty different these days." He keeps it black and relatively short now, a probably futile attempt to recover from all the years of bleach.
"You're fatter, too," Seungri says with a grin, but now the waitress wants his autograph too, and Seunghyun ignores him in favor of obliging her.
"Ass," Seunghyun says once she's finally bowed herself out of the room.
Seungri just laughs. "So, really. What have you been doing?"
It's a hard question to answer coming from anyone, but especially Seungri. They haven't kept in touch very well, and seeing Seungri in his present state-well put-together and still comfortably in the limelight, the host of his own variety show-is admittedly hard on Seunghyun's ego.
"I haven't been doing much," Seunghyun admits, chuckling and fidgeting with his watch.
They disbanded officially five years ago, but the other members have kept busy. Seungri is hosting his show and engaged to a member of one of the newer girl groups-she's way too young for him, but they look happy enough from what Seunghyun has seen on the internet. Youngbae is YG's new Master Hwang, and in some ways also the new Sean, already settled down with a wife and kids at home. Jiyong worked a solo career for three years, but even now that he's on hiatus he's writing and producing half the music YG pumps out. Daesung's solo career is still going strong.
Other than a handful of collaborations and a lot of traveling, Seunghyun hasn't done shit.
"Jiyong keeps saying you need to go back to YG and produce with him," Seungri says at length, his expression consolatory.
That's way too embarrassing. When did Seunghyun get so pathetic that the brattiest maknae in the world has started to pity him?
"I'm still considering my options," Seunghyun says, so forced he can feel his face burning. Seungri lets it drop, though, in a display of maturity Seunghyun wouldn't have thought him capable of a few years ago, and he at once feels guilty for letting so much distance grow between them. The fact that the change is so noticeable means he's been away too long.
"We're talking about a June wedding," Seungri says to change the subject, after his drink has arrived and they've ordered enough meat for four. "I'm assuming you'll be available?"
Seunghyun scowls and Seungri just smirks. "Yeah. I still have to meet Aecha, though."
"Are you going to be in Seoul for a while? You can come for dinner whenever you want. Jiyong comes sometimes."
"I'm not sure how long yet, but yeah, we'll make it happen soon." Seunghyun avoids Seungri's gaze and toys with his watch again.
Part of the reason he's back is to answer that very question; he's still hovering on the brink of giving up his villa, since he hasn't been around enough in the past year to justify having it. But considering that the other reason is because he seems to have run out of places to run away to, maybe he should keep it.
"Good," Seungri says.
A silence falls and soon grows heavy and awkward, to the point that Seungri mutters an apology and pulls out his phone to text something.
"Do you know how Daesung is doing?" he asks as he puts it away again.
The question makes Seunghyun jolt. "I have no idea," he says, a little too quick.
Seungri considers him for a few seconds before resting his chin in his hand. "He's the hardest one to get a hold of these days, other than you. But I assumed you two would still be in contact, at least."
Out of the corner of his eye, Seunghyun sees the waitress approaching with their bowl of meat, and he's immensely grateful for the distraction. He keeps his eyes trained on the bowl when he says, "What do you mean?"
The waitress bows away again with Seungri's thanks, but the bowl just sits untouched between them until Seunghyun reluctantly looks up.
"Why are you doing this to yourself, Hyung?" Seungri seems genuinely confused, rather than accusatory, but still Seunghyun feels like he's lost his appetite.
"I'm not really your hyung anymore," he mutters.
Seungri sighs before picking up the tongs and laying the meat slowly, strip by strip, to sizzle on the grill. "I always looked up to you the most, you know."
Seunghyun frowns. "Me? What about Jiyong?"
"I liked Jiyong best," Seungri says-it's good to see he's at least as unabashed about speaking his mind now as ever- "but I looked up to you. You were the coolest person I knew. I wanted to be you, most days."
There's nothing Seunghyun can think to say to that. He blinks for so long that Seungri starts to laugh.
"Don't look so surprised," he says. "I was always so pissed we had to share a name. I couldn't stand being compared to you."
"That must have been a hard burden to bear," Seunghyun agrees, recovering a little.
After giving him an obligatory kick under the table, Seungri says, "I only bring it up because I always thought you could do anything."
Seunghyun tenses a little. "So?"
"So, live up to it. It's depressing seeing you like this."
There's nothing Seunghyun can think to say to that, either. He shifts his eyes away from Seungri's, down to the table.
"You cooked all the meat," Seunghyun says suddenly, finding his plate full of perfect, sizzling beef and pork.
Seungri grins. "We all have to grow up sometime."
~
"Seunghyun!"
Youngbae opens the door to his apartment and immediately pulls Seunghyun into a crushing embrace, which he struggles against only briefly. There's never been any point in trying to fight those biceps.
"It's so good to see you," Youngbae says quietly, close to Seunghyun's ear. "Are you finally done disappearing on us?"
The welcome is so heartfelt that Seunghyun starts, ridiculously, to tear up. "It's good to see you too," is all he can manage in return, but he tries to wrap his arms just as tightly around Youngbae's back. For the most part, Youngbae is exactly the same as the last time Seunghyun saw him, although even after a couple years, Seunghyun doesn't think he'll ever get used to the fuzzy, close-cropped hair. It took disbanding and getting married for Youngbae to finally lose the mohawk.
Youngbae's daughters race in to greet Seunghyun next-three-year-old twins, if Seunghyun is remembering right, both girls. He's not great with kids, but Youngbae's offspring are fucking adorable.
"Say hi to Uncle Seunghyun, girls," Youngbae says.
They chant in practically perfect unison, "Hi!", and Seunghyun covers his mouth to hide his laugh.
"They're better trained than Boss ever was," he says.
"If Youngbae had his way, they wouldn't be," says Sunhee, Youngbae's wife, turning the corner. "He can't discipline to save his life. I'm always the bad guy."
Youngbae smiles guiltily and Seunghyun laughs, moving to give Sunhee a hug. He's liked her since even before she and Youngbae started dating, and because she was one of Big Bang's regular backup dancers, they're actually pretty familiar. When Youngbae first told them, everyone was a little stunned; Sunhee is tough as nails and about as fundamentally opposite Youngbae as humanly possible. Once Seunghyun realized she's basically the female Jiyong, though, it kind of all came together.
"Should we come in and help clean up?" Youngbae says.
"What, so you can rile them up before bed? No way. You two are banished to the balcony."
Which Seunghyun is pretty sure is just a subtle way of giving them some alone time. He smiles and gives Sunhee a nod.
"Thanks," Youngbae says, kissing her on the cheek. The gesture makes Seunghyun feel unexpectedly strange, something twisting painfully in his gut, but he shakes it off when Sunhee rolls her eyes and pushes Youngbae away.
"Please make him talk about something other than work for a few minutes!" she calls after Seunghyun, who waves his acknowledgement and follows Youngbae onto the balcony. It's spacious but simple, with just two pristine-looking chairs and an awesome view of the city. Seunghyun privately makes a note to check out the state of his own patio furniture when he gets back.
"So, how's work?" Seunghyun asks, after sliding the glass door shut. They both laugh.
"It's good," Youngbae says. "The new kids are hard workers, for the most part." As soon as Seunghyun pulls up a chair, Youngbae jerks to his feet. "Oh, sorry-you want a drink?"
Seunghyun raises an eyebrow. "Uh-what do you have?" He knows Youngbae isn't much of a drinker, especially now that he's got kids, but Seunghyun would kill for a beer.
"Just about everything." Youngbae laughs. "It's Sunhee's. She says after I give birth to twins I can talk to her about drinking habits."
Seunghyun grins. "Beer, then."
Youngbae ends up bringing back one for himself, too-"It's a special occasion," he explains-and they toast to nothing in particular, watching the sunset over the city quietly for a while.
"Do you miss it?" Youngbae asks, once Seunghyun has already finished his beer but is trying to pretend he hasn't so he doesn't look like too much of an alcoholic.
He sets down his can with a hollow clunk, and a look of amused understanding crosses Youngbae's face. From his left, he mysteriously produces another, which Seunghyun accepts, only sort of embarrassed.
"Thanks." He takes a good swallow before answering, "Yeah. Not all of it, but a lot. Especially lately, I-" He cuts himself off, dangerously close to making himself sound too pathetic again. "I miss all of you guys," he covers, giving Youngbae a smile.
Youngbae smiles back, a little sadly. "I still feel bad sometimes. Like it was my fault."
It's true that Youngbae's sudden engagement came at a time that marked the beginning of the end. But-"That wasn't why," Seunghyun says, genuinely. Big Bang's time was coming to a close no matter how much they all wanted to pretend otherwise.
"Yeah." Youngbae looks out over the city again and Seunghyun wishes more than anything he could scrub some of that guilt off his face. Out of all of them, of course Youngbae would be the one to try and carry the burden of their breakup on his shoulders.
"Hey," Seunghyun says, intending to change the subject, but just then the balcony door slides open and one of the twins pops her head out.
"Daddy, Mommy says it's bedtime so you and Uncle Seunghyun have to leave." She turns her gaze on Seunghyun then and asks, "Did you bring presents?"
"Jinae!" Youngbae snaps. "Don't be rude!"
"Oh, right," Seunghyun mutters. He left a bag of souvenirs from his recent trip to America in the entryway.
They decide to take the dog for a walk-Youngbae immediately got a new Boston Terrier after Boss died, several years ago now-and finish their beers quickly. Seunghyun hands over the bag of gifts to the twins as he's putting on his shoes, and the ensuing chaos makes him simultaneously sorry for Sunhee and glad they're getting out of there.
"It never really gets any quieter," Youngbae sighs once they're outside, letting the dog pull him toward the nearest bush, but Seunghyun doesn't miss the peaceful expression on his face.
"It's exactly what you always wanted," Seunghyun says.
Youngbae smiles dopily. "I know."
The twist in his gut comes back but Seunghyun does his best to ignore it, stuffing his hands deep in his pockets and feeling annoyed with himself. Seeing Youngbae this at ease, all the sleeplessness and worry lines gone from his face, should only make Seunghyun happy, but he selfishly can't help but resent the sharp contrast with his own post-Big Bang life. When he notices Youngbae studying him, Seunghyun flips his hood up and starts to walk faster.
It's a nice night out, warm for the fall, and Seunghyun lets his mind wander as they follow the dog nowhere in particular, down steep embankments alongside the river, stopping frequently for pee breaks. The calm is only occasionally broken by a passing jogger.
And then Youngbae, when he abruptly asks, "Have you been talking to Daesung?"
Seunghyun's shoulders tighten up. "Not in a while," he says, words clipped.
"Hmm."
There's a lot going on behind Youngbae's hum, but Seunghyun grits his teeth and doesn't comment.
"I feel like it'd be a lot easier for you to be happy right now than you think," Youngbae says.
He wants to scowl and give the cold shoulder for a while-his tried and trusted method for dealing with Youngbae when he's in judgmental mode-but Seunghyun can't help but reply, "Who says I'm unhappy?"
Youngbae scoffs. "Come on, Seunghyun. How long have we known each other?"
After that, Youngbae lets it drop. The rest of the walk is nice enough, and by the time they return to Youngbae's building they're even making idle conversation again, but Seunghyun's thoughts are scattered and he has a hard time focusing on the words.
~
Seunghyun is embarrassed by how nerve-wracking a simple trip to YG Studios has become to him, but he can't help the way his palms are sweating as he looks up at the building, phone unresponsive in his pocket. He was hoping to get Jiyong to meet him outside to avoid any awkward encounters, but his last several texts have gone unanswered. After one final glimpse at his phone, just to make sure he hasn't missed a message, he squares his shoulders and forces himself to walk inside.
It's a familiar and easy enough journey to the recording studio where he guesses he'll find Jiyong, but he keeps looking over his shoulder the whole time, like he's snuck in somewhere he's not supposed to be. Jiyong is at the computer when Seunghyun opens the door, and despite Seunghyun's efforts to slip in noiselessly and not distract from anything important, when they make eye contact Jiyong jumps up from his chair.
"It's Bingu!" he cheers, launching himself at Seunghyun and scrambling up into an off-kilter piggyback.
"Get off me," Seunghyun chokes. Jiyong doesn't, so he plays dirty and falls backward onto the couch.
"I surrender, get up before I die," Jiyong groans, voice muffled into Seunghyun's shirt. Seunghyun allows himself to crush Jiyong for just a few more seconds before finally rolling off, grinding his butt into Jiyong's stomach for good measure.
"You need to gain weight," Seunghyun says. "You're skinnier than the last time I saw you."
"I'll take some of yours," Jiyong says, grinning. He jumps away just in time to avoid Seunghyun's punch.
A kid whose name Seunghyun should definitely know-his stage name is Destiny, but that's all Seunghyun can remember-opens the door to the booth cautiously, eyeing Jiyong and Seunghyun like they're dangerous. "Uh, Jiyong-Hyung, should I stay or . . . ?"
"Get out of here," Jiyong replies, moving to tousle Destiny's hair affectionately. "Good work today, are you up for more tomorrow?"
The kid nods, then mutters a respectful greeting to Seunghyun before grabbing his bag and escaping from the room. They wave until he's out the door, and then Jiyong is climbing all over Seunghyun again, crooning into his ear, "Bingu Bingu, stop switching your words . . . why are you confusing me, why are you playing with me-"
"Do you want to die?" Seunghyun says, but only out of habit. He can remember hating it back when all the other members started serenading him by changing the Bingle Bingle lyrics to "Bingu Bingu," but it's been so long since he last heard it even he has to admit it's kind of funny now.
"Bingu Bingu, my head hurts, oh oh oh . . . I can't help it, I missed you!" He loops his arms around Seunghyun's neck again, and Seunghyun reciprocates by rubbing Jiyong's head.
"What are we going to do tonight?" Jiyong asks cheerfully. "Dinner? Drinks? Clubbing?" He emphasizes the last word by jostling Seunghyun back and forth, until Seunghyun bursts into laughter.
"You're the one who has work tomorrow. You decide."
Jiyong disengages himself and waves Seunghyun off, standing to collect his things scattered around the room-a hat, his wallet, a pack of cigarettes. "I start whenever I want. No one cares if I'm showered or just wearing pajamas, either. Producing is sweet."
Seunghyun decides not to take the bait, changing the subject. "Is anyone else around?" He says it as nonchalantly as possible, but Jiyong misses nothing.
"Daesung's not in today," he answers immediately. Seunghyun feels his cheeks get hot. "Youngbae should be home by now. I think YG might still be here, if you want to talk to him about producing-"
"That's fine," Seunghyun interrupts. "Another time."
Jiyong pouts. "I wish you'd just come back already. It'd be a lot more fun with you around."
It's not that Seunghyun doesn't want to. Helping to make music while staying mostly out of the spotlight and spending time with Jiyong and some of the other faces he's missed from YG sounds nice. But part of the reason he took time off and started traveling was to sort his life out, and until he does, going back feels like stalling, playing pretend.
"I'm not quite ready yet," Seunghyun says, apologetic. "I've just gotta figure some stuff out."
Jiyong looks at him like he knows exactly what Seunghyun needs to figure out, but unfortunately, he doesn't share. "Okay," he says. "But I'm gonna bring it up again when you're drunk."
Seunghyun knows Jiyong is as good as his word, so as soon they sit down at the bar in the first club of the evening-some newer place Jiyong insists they'll be able to hear each other talk at, with an exclusive enough clientele that they'll be left alone-Seunghyun begins implementing his plan to get Jiyong drunk first.
"So yeah, I guess I've slept with like five of the trainees," Jiyong says blearily, already six drinks in to Seunghyun's three and a half. His technique is to pretend to knock them back while secretly only taking sips so Jiyong has to hurry to keep up.
"Good to know some things never change," Seunghyun says. And some really don't: Jiyong is back to chain smoking again, although he insists he's going to quit soon, for good this time. His hair is still bleached blond, which he's mostly stuck with since going on hiatus, for reasons Seunghyun can't fathom. He has a different bedmate every night of the week. "Aren't you getting a little old for seducing everyone you meet?"
The grin Jiyong gives him is way too self-satisfied for his own good. "Nobody keeps track of my age anymore. I'm on hiatus, remember?"
"Fair enough." Seunghyun snorts and takes a real swig of his drink, the beginnings of a comfortable buzz just setting in. The blinding lights flashing around them are making him wish he were drunker, though. "You really like producing that much? Aren't you ever gonna go back?"
It's probably kind of a rude question to ask upfront, but Seunghyun figures he can get away with it, especially when they're drinking. He's never stopped wondering why Jiyong cut his solo career off when he did; his ratings were off the charts and his sales were still breaking records, even into the third year.
Jiyong doesn't seem offended, though, just shakes his head and finishes his drink. "One more of the same, please," he says to the bartender, before returning his attention to Seunghyun. "Nah. I don't know. Those were probably the hardest years for me since debuting. I was miserable all the time."
A pang of guilt stabs at Seunghyun. He's stayed in contact with Jiyong the best out of everyone, but somehow this news is still a complete shock to him. "I didn't know," he says thickly. "But-you always wanted to go solo so bad?"
"I know." Jiyong's smile is a little sad, even through the alcohol. "But once I really got it, it wasn't right." He pauses to accept his next drink from the bartender, taking a sip before elaborating, "I think maybe Big Bang was it for us. It was exactly what we were meant to do. But that doesn't mean it was supposed last forever, and it doesn't mean we have to be unhappy now."
His gaze sharpens suddenly, and Seunghyun hastily looks down into his glass as Jiyong jabs a finger in his direction. "Seunghyun. You're making yourself unhappy."
"What are you talking about?" Just so he'll have something to do with his hands, Seunghyun sloshes some of his drink on the bar top and starts mopping it up with a napkin. "You're the one who just said you were miserable."
"I was miserable. Before. Then I made some changes to my life and now everything's fine again. Everything's great. What are you changing?"
There's nothing left to mop up, but Seunghyun pushes around the mess of soggy napkins in a circle, tracing a pattern onto the bar. The lights reflecting off his glass are starting to give him a headache. "I don't know what needs changing," he mutters. "That's the problem."
"God, you're an idiot," Jiyong groans. "You could start by calling Daesung."
Seunghyun bristles, tearing the puddle of napkins in half. "Why the hell does everyone keep saying that?"
When he dares to meet Jiyong's eyes, he falters at the unexpected pity in his expression. "Really, Seunghyun?" Jiyong says quietly. "Even now?"
It dawns on Seunghyun that despite getting Jiyong drunk faster, he's still been cornered into a conversation he never intended to have. "Let's go dance," he suggests, the only diversionary tactic he knows will always work on Jiyong. He finishes the rest of his drink in one swallow and stands, waiting for Jiyong to do the same.
"You're hopeless," Jiyong says, clapping him on the back, but he's cheerful and distracted now, guiding Seunghyun toward the small but busy dance floor. "Hey, I wrote this song!"
"I need another drink before I can dance to this crap," Seunghyun says, earning him a kick to the shins, but he darts back to the bar and grabs another anyway. Jiyong doesn't need to know that he wants to drink himself into oblivion for a different reason entirely.
~
The next day is hell. Seunghyun wakes up at 1:30, head throbbing and mouth dry, to a text from Jiyong:
fuck you this is the worst day of my life
It hurts too much to laugh, so Seunghyun just gropes on his bedside table for the glass of water he wisely poured himself the night before and takes a long drink.
haha. you have a job, he texts back.
not today i don't. calling in sick. you can do that when you're a producer ^^
Seunghyun chuckles at that, but regrets it a second later, setting down his phone in order to massage his temples. He picks it up again after the next buzz.
02-822-3828
Seunghyun blinks at the screen, stupidly perplexed, trying to figure out if this is code for something.
what's that? he finally responds.
daesung's new number. i'm sure he sent it to you but i'm sure you also didn't save it.
Maybe Jiyong rightfully predicts that Seunghyun doesn't reply because he feels sick all of a sudden. He struggles out of bed as quickly as he can manage, stumbling to the bathroom to take the longest piss of his life, but once he's decided he's not going to puke just yet, he returns to find another text.
what's the point of being rich and famous if you never even get what you really want?
There's nothing Seunghyun can say in reply, so he carefully, achingly lowers himself back onto his bed, closes his eyes, and remembers.
~
The first time it happened was after Seunghyun visited Family Outing, while watching the airing with Daesung the following Sunday. Jiyong and Youngbae couldn't make it home in time, and Seungri had said he'd watch with them but ended up passing out on the living room couch ten minutes in, so after dragging him to bed Seunghyun and Daesung were alone for the broadcast. That suited Seunghyun fine; he liked spending time with just Daesung.
"Look at you, you're so cute, Hyung," Daesung said, pinching one of Seunghyun's cheeks and beaming at him.
"I'm so awkward," Seunghyun corrected, swatting Daesung's hand away but then catching it in his own on second thought. Daesung was draped almost entirely on top of him on the couch, head pillowed on his chest, and even though there were no cameras on them, Seunghyun started rubbing Daesung's hand with his thumb. Lately he couldn't seem to turn off the affection no matter where they were, which would be worrying except that it never seemed to exactly bother Daesung.
"That's what's cute." Daesung hummed against Seunghyun's chest and Seunghyun liked the feel of it, cozy and warming, buzzing right down to his stomach. "I wish you could be our guest every week."
Seunghyun chuckled and squeezed Daesung's hand. Daesung seemed to be focusing on the show again, but Seunghyun couldn't: he kept honing in on Daesung's breathing and the feel of his heartbeat, his own blood pumping fast in his ears. It made him anxious when he got like this, because it was sloppy and obvious, and it would only take Daesung asking why Seunghyun seemed so tense for something to come tumbling out.
Instead, Daesung started laughing, clutching at Seunghyun's sweatshirt with his free hand and burying his face in it. "I forgot how bad you were with the fish," he said giddily. "Look at your face! You're so scared!"
Glad for the distraction, Seunghyun pretended to be indignant. "It was huge! Its mouth was bigger than my head!" He sat up straighter and gave Daesung a look of outrage, but Daesung only curled into his shirt and laughed harder. "It's not like you were volunteering to pick it up," Seunghyun added, pushing him away.
Daesung let himself be pushed, dramatically flinging onto his back. "Why isn't anyone else here?" he moaned. "I need to tell them you're secretly a huge baby."
"You've told enough secrets about me to people lately," Seunghyun said, recalling all too clearly his least favorite nickname being leaked on national TV. Gripped by something reckless, or maybe just stupid, he moved to straddle Daesung's lap, pinning him to the couch. "Which I haven't paid you back for yet, come to think of it."
"Yes you did! On the show, and then-" Daesung dropped his protest with a yelp as Seunghyun went right for the armpits and started tickling. Sometimes Seunghyun wondered if Daesung let him win these fights, because Daesung's struggling was pathetically futile and Seunghyun definitely wasn't the stronger of the two, but that thought only made his stomach knot up in a nice sort of way.
"Say you're sorry," Seunghyun demanded, one hand still in Daesung's armpit, one under his shirt now, tickling up the side.
"It was an accident! They tricked me!" Daesung gasped, almost unintelligible through his laughter.
"I don't care! Apologize!" Seunghyun lowered his face so he was talking close to Daesung's ear and tickled even harder. Something in the air might have shifted a little, but it was easy to ignore with the TV still blaring in the background and Daesung laughing and wriggling under him.
"I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry!" Even after Seunghyun stopped tickling and collapsed on top of him, giving in to his own laughter, Daesung went on, "You're the smartest hyung in the world! I'll never call you Bingu again! Especially not on TV!"
"All right, all right." Seunghyun knew he should move but couldn't bring himself to, enjoying the sensation of nuzzling in next to Daesung's ear too much. When he accidentally exhaled, a little too slow and hot, against the side of Daesung's neck, he felt Daesung go still beneath him.
They were having all too many moments like this recently. Seunghyun didn't know what to do so he froze, mind whirring, searching desperately for a way out. Sometimes he would do something extra obnoxious, like blowing a raspberry on Daesung's stomach or pinching his nose, to distract them. Sometimes he would roll away and make a jumbled, forced excuse, which was sort of the opposite of smooth but at least gave him a means of escape. Today, Seunghyun was feeling strangely emboldened, a dangerous edge to his thoughts continually repeating What if you tried it just once?
He braced himself against the couch and lifted his head, just enough to really take Daesung in. Daesung was still smiling, but it didn't reach his eyes, and that barest hint of recognition was what made Seunghyun's decision for him. He sucked in one last breath to clear his head, shifted his weight onto his elbows, and kissed Daesung, quick and hard and with his eyes closed.
What was so terrifying was that it wasn't a joke. Seunghyun couldn't laugh his way out of this one, not even with Daesung, because it was too real and too big. So when Daesung responded without half a moment's pause, sliding his hand up the back of Seunghyun's neck and curling fingers in his hair, holding him firmly in place, Seunghyun nearly jerked off the couch in disbelief.
"Daesung," he said sharply, pulling back, scandalized even though he was the one who had started it in the first place.
Daesung just looked at him through half-lidded eyes. "What?" he said, trailing fingers up and down Seunghyun's neck like it was nothing at all, like this was the most natural thing for them to be doing on a Sunday night.
In a moment, the panic that had been steadily building in Seunghyun's chest deflated. He shifted his weight to settle himself more comfortably, which Daesung accommodated by shifting as well, resting his free hand on the small of Seunghyun's back. Then Seunghyun went in for another kiss, almost suspicious of how easy it was, his heart skipping when Daesung met him halfway. He sucked at Daesung's upper lip until Daesung sucked back, and it was Daesung who encouraged Seunghyun, with a nudge and a lick, to open his mouth wider.
"What are we doing?" Seunghyun murmured against Daesung's mouth, in between licking and sucking, although he hadn't intended to speak. He was so foggy and dazed it was as if he had no control over anything anymore, least of all his brain.
Daesung had the nerve to laugh. "Isn't that obvious?" he said, but his voice wasn't entirely steady. He emphasized the words with a slight roll of his hips, and Seunghyun was suddenly aware that he was hard-so hard it was painful, maybe more turned on than he'd ever been in his life.
"Fuck." Seunghyun buried the word into the side of Daesung's neck, then started sucking there, brutally, intending to leave a mark. Daesung swore and dug nails into Seunghyun's scalp, which didn't do anything to help his hard-on. It was pressing into Daesung's hip now, persistent, and he actually wasn't trying to rock forward but it happened, again and again with increasing urgency, until he was unabashedly humping Daesung's side.
"Oh. . . ." Daesung was surprisingly quiet other than a few breathy gasps, maybe remembering Seungri in the other room, but he wasn't shy about keeping up with Seunghyun. He let his legs fall apart, making room for Seunghyun's thigh, and soon they were grinding against each other in the same rhythm, Seunghyun forgetting Daesung's neck to pant against his shoulder, Daesung sliding one hand down the back of Seunghyun's jeans, grabbing his ass.
Seunghyun had had plenty of sex by this point-in relationships and casually, with ordinary women and celebrities, under the influence and sober-but it had never been like this. Dry-humping his bandmate on the couch was hardly the most exciting thing he'd ever done but he was drowning in the feel of it, desperate for it to keep going but at the same time almost wishing it would end because it was too much, his skin was too sensitive, he couldn't breathe. When he finally came it sounded like a sob, and he couldn't stop trembling against Daesung's chest as he buried his face in his shirt, too overwhelmed to think. Daesung kept moving against him, clutching his scalp and ass more tightly until his breath hitched and Seunghyun felt him come too, relaxing slowly, in increments. It was only a few seconds before reality hit Seunghyun hard and he was at once terrified. He had no idea what happened next.
"Hey," Daesung whispered, long before Seunghyun had regained the ability to speak. Seunghyun reluctantly lifted his head and Daesung kissed him, smoothing down his hair, rubbing small circles over his back like he knew he was scared. After a few minutes had passed and their breathing had calmed, Daesung shifted again, helped Seunghyun to readjust more comfortably, and pulled a blanket up over them.
"Stop thinking," Daesung said, closing his eyes and continuing to pet Seunghyun's hair. Seunghyun closed his eyes too, but even pillowed on Daesung's chest he felt like he was suffocating, his panic returning as he drowned in the realization of what they'd just done. This wasn't a dream and it wasn't reversible, and there was no way it could work. He felt like he was going to be sick.
After a little while, Daesung's hand stilled and his breathing fell into an even pattern, but Seunghyun couldn't turn his brain off. He was pretty sure he would never sleep again.
Family Outing had long since ended by the time Jiyong and Youngbae came home. It wasn't that weird to find Seunghyun and Daesung passed out together in front of the TV, so Youngbae just came over to gently rouse them, and Seunghyun put on a good show of pretending to have been asleep.
"You two should get to bed," Youngbae said, looking exhausted himself.
They had no choice, with Jiyong and Youngbae watching, but to go their separate ways, although Daesung gave Seunghyun's hand a squeeze before they stepped apart. Seunghyun watched Daesung go, torn between immense relief and nauseating disappointment, before muttering a good night to Jiyong and Youngbae and heading to bed himself.
He didn't sleep a minute that night, but it still wasn't an excuse for the next day. For the most part, he acted like he'd never seen Daesung before in his life. When that didn't make him feel any better, he got wasted with Jiyong, went to a club, and slept with the first gorgeous woman he could find.
Daesung never brought it up once.
~
The second time didn't happen until years later. It shouldn't have happened at all, but Seunghyun let his guard down, maybe partially because things had healed over too smoothly after Family Outing. Once Seunghyun stopped being awkward all the time Daesung mostly warmed up again, and they got back to the place where they could at least touch and be affectionate on camera. Seunghyun told himself that was enough.
But he was too stupid to stay safe for forever, and that night they were riding on the high of one of their best performances ever of their first world tour, giddy and excitable backstage. The encore was just finished and every stagehand, makeup artist and coordi-noona had already given Seunghyun a hug or a handshake or a clap on the back, congratulating him on a job well done. Somehow, in the whirlwind of stripping out of sweaty costumes and finding water bottles and searching for an available bathroom, he and Daesung had gotten lost together.
"It's definitely this way," Daesung said, pointing down a dark hall with creepy exposed pipes in the ceiling, wiping sweaty bangs out of his face even though they always fell right back into his eyes.
"That's not a bathroom, it's where they keep the Minotaur," Seunghyun said, and even though it was a stupid joke they collapsed together laughing. They proceeded down the hall like that, snickering and falling against each other, until they reached a dead end.
"Storage closet," Daesung said. For whatever reason, he tried the knob.
"They don't keep toilets in those," Seunghyun said, but when the door opened and Daesung stepped inside, Seunghyun didn't hesitate to follow him.
"It's dark," Seunghyun said. Which was a stupid comment for a lot of reasons, but especially because he was the one who had shut the door behind them.
Daesung reached across Seunghyun's shoulder-there was enough space in the closet for two people to stand, if they didn't mind the various mops and buckets, but not a lot beyond that-and tugged on a chain next to his ear, making Seunghyun wince at the sudden brightness.
"See any Minotaurs?" Daesung asked.
Seunghyun tried but couldn't quite manage a straight face, squinting at a point beyond Daesung's shoulder. "I think that's just Taeyang."
They collapsed into each other in laughter again, wheezing and wiping away tears even though the joke hadn't gotten any funnier, and that was when something went wrong. The next moment, Seunghyun was taking a step backward, the backs of his legs hitting the shelves behind him, and he and Daesung were kissing, hard and messy and unrestrained. He tangled his fingers in Daesung's hair and Daesung pressed hands to either side of his neck, stroking thumbs over his jawline, breathing heavy into his mouth.
"You look so hot after concerts," Daesung murmured, abandoning Seunghyun's mouth briefly to kiss at his neck. It made Seunghyun's skin flush even hotter-not just the kissing, but the idea that this was something Daesung noticed often, something he'd been continually thinking about.
"Daesung-" Seunghyun felt dizzy, couldn't get out another word.
"Don't tell me to stop," Daesung said quietly, hands sliding down Seunghyun's chest. The tone of his voice made Seunghyun's stomach hurt.
"No, I-" Seunghyun tried again, but that was exactly when the closet door started to open.
"Daesung-Oppa?" came someone's voice. "Are you-"
Seunghyun and Daesung sprung apart an instant before one of the coordi-noonas could open the door all the way, but between the tiny closet and their flushed lips, their labored breathing and guilty expressions, it couldn't have been more obvious what they were doing.
"Sorry!" she said quickly, backing out and mostly closing the door, leaving just a crack open to talk through. "Sorry, I saw the light and thought-everyone is looking for you two, so I-I'll just wait back by the dressing rooms!"
The sound of her hastily retreating footsteps echoed briefly through the crack, faded, and was gone before either of them could reply.
Seunghyun buried his face in his hands. "Fuck," he said, smacking his forehead soundly against a shelf.
"I'll talk to her," Daesung said quickly. His eyes were wide and scared, and Seunghyun felt like he could see everything that could possibly go wrong reflected in them. "I don't think she'd say anything," Daesung added, looking to Seunghyun now, maybe for reassurance. "She's really nice-"
"Daesung," Seunghyun said, surprised at how much his voice was wavering. "We can't."
For one horrible, gut-churning moment, Daesung looked like he was going to cry. Then it was over, and his expression was unreadable again, calm and collected.
"I know," he agreed. He smoothed back his bangs, straightened his shirt, and put his hand on the doorknob. "I'll go first. You come back a few minutes later, maybe."
Seunghyun felt himself nod, numbly, and watched as Daesung made to open the door, then seemed to suddenly change his mind. He stepped sideways, put a hand on Seunghyun's shoulder, and kissed him just once, light and quick, on the cheek. A second later he escaped without a word, closing the door behind him.
Not running after him was the hardest thing Seunghyun had ever done.
Part Two