Two of Us Songfic-Part 2
Title-Tell Me Who You Are
Pairing:Toby Beecher/Chris Keller
Rating-NC-17-R
Warning: Discussion of childhood physical and sexual abuse. The sexual abuse is not
detailed . In this part the physical abuse is mentioned but is also not detailed.
This is slash-m/m. It does not include graphic sexual scenes, but references to sexuality are
in the story. And there is some kissing :)
Summary: Toby has asked Chris to tell him about his past in an attempt to understand and
know him. They've reached a painful point in Chris' story.
The lyrics I had were from " You Never Give Me Your Money" off of Abbey Road.
They are: "I never give you my number, just my situation,
and in the middle of investigation I break down".
Part 2
“My God, Chris." Toby says, and I can hear that there are tears in his voice. "What did your father say? Did he know?”
I laughed at that. “He didn’t care as long as he got drugs. “ I continued.
“I went to the park, and that’s the first time I ever really noticed the children. They all were just like me. Unkempt, dirty, and completely lost.
They all had such sad, vacant eyes. Just like me.
I had no idea what to do, but the guys didn’t really care. They were hard before they even started. It was the idea that thrilled them more than anything else.
Like everything else my mother had me do I became good at it.
Sometimes I’d try and look the guy in the eyes because I wanted him to see me, you know?
But they always avoided my eyes. That’s one reason why when we make love I make sure I look at you. And, more importantly that you look at me. “
He nods and reaches for me again. “I always wondered about that” He says.
“This went on for awhile. Until I developed an infection in my throat. I was having trouble swallowing and I was gagging a lot. I went to the nurse at school, and they made me see a doctor. She found out I had gonorrhea of the mouth.
That’s when they took me and my brother away.”
“What happened to your parents”?
“Oh, they went to jail for awhile. Blaming me for “snitching” on them. Which I didn’t.
They said I was a piece of shit. That I was worthless. I was as bad as they come.
I believed them.
And my mother was right about me and my brother. We were separated, and he and I saw very little of each other over the years.
I was so angry and so mixed up I did everything I could to fuck up everywhere I went. And the more people rejected me, the more I believed my mother. And the more I believed her the more I would test people. You know, see whether they’d love me no matter what they did. Like I did to you.”
I didn’t have to add that last part. He knows that all too well. I had hurt and betrayed him for really no other reason than to see if he loved me as he said he did.
He did.
He forgave me- not right away, and not without a lot of pain and blood being shed. But he did forgive me.
Now he looks at me, and says “Chris, I’m glad you told me this. I’m so sorry that ever happened to you. I’m sorry that you were never protected, that you were abused and used and humiliated like that. And that you carried the guilt for all the things that were done to YOU.
I’m sorry that you were never shown what a wonderful boy you were”_
I make some disparaging noise, and he puts his finger to my lips.
“No, please just listen to me. You were just a boy, and you did the things you did to help your family, and your brother.”
“I didn’t want to get beaten” I say.
He says to me” Of course not, why would you? But you also felt responsible for everyone and everything. And nobody ever told you how amazing that was. How brave you were, or how strong.”
“I wasn’t strong” I say. “I broke down. Look what I did with my life. Look at what I became. My brother didn’t.”
“Who knows how your brother would have turned out if you hadn’t done the things you did? He probably would have been the one to do them. And he would have been the angry and hostile one in the foster homes, not you.
He was also younger than you. He didn’t get to see or bear the brunt of all that you did. Did he get adopted by his foster parents?”
I nod my head.
“Well then his life was much different than yours. All you knew was rejection, abandonment and pain from everyone who either claimed they loved you, or who should have loved you. And it sounds like things weren’t better in the foster homes.”
“Well, I wasn’t sexually abused, or forced to be a prostitute, or made to steal. But I was beaten in many of the homes I was in, and the few that were nice I made sure I screwed up. I think I was always hoping they’d keep me. Like I said, it was a test, you know?”
He smiles sadly as he remembers the tests that we went through due to my need for “unconditional love”.
“I know” is all he says.
“Toby, I’m so sorry about all that”. I say for the thousandth time. I know if will never erase the look on his face when he remembers that day in the gym.
But now he looks at me with new eyes. Soft eyes. His eyes tell me that for the first time he understands why I did what I did.
He may have forgiven me before, but he never understood it. He never understood why I am such a bottomless pit when it comes to needing proof. Proof of love. Proof of acceptance.
“Show me you love me” I say that all the time to him. And it always ends up with the two of us in bed. Now he understands what I really am saying is “show me I matter to you.”
“Show me you understand-show me that you see me”.
For the first time I understand why I did the things I did. I knew part of it before. I knew that I was looking for unconditional love because I felt worthless.
But I never knew why until I told Toby my story.
Now I could really go to Sister Pete and tell her I had a breakthrough.
Toby eases me onto the bed and begins kissing me. He holds me and I think how amazing it is that I let this out and though I broke down, I didn’t break.
And Toby loves me even more than he did before.
He’s mumbling something again. I hear him telling me he’ll wipe away my tears, and then he does so.
Then he says something else that sounds like” I’m taking you away”.
I laugh, but I know what he means. He’s taking me away from myself. He’s helping me take the pain away with every kiss, touch and soothing whispered words of love.
I close my eyes and am thankful that "one sweet dream I had came true today"…
The End
Pairing:Toby Beecher/Chris Keller
Rating-NC-17-R
Warning: Discussion of childhood physical and sexual abuse. The sexual abuse is not
detailed . In this part the physical abuse is mentioned but is also not detailed.
This is slash-m/m. It does not include graphic sexual scenes, but references to sexuality are
in the story. And there is some kissing :)
Summary: Toby has asked Chris to tell him about his past in an attempt to understand and
know him. They've reached a painful point in Chris' story.
The lyrics I had were from " You Never Give Me Your Money" off of Abbey Road.
They are: "I never give you my number, just my situation,
and in the middle of investigation I break down".
Part 2
“My God, Chris." Toby says, and I can hear that there are tears in his voice. "What did your father say? Did he know?”
I laughed at that. “He didn’t care as long as he got drugs. “ I continued.
“I went to the park, and that’s the first time I ever really noticed the children. They all were just like me. Unkempt, dirty, and completely lost.
They all had such sad, vacant eyes. Just like me.
I had no idea what to do, but the guys didn’t really care. They were hard before they even started. It was the idea that thrilled them more than anything else.
Like everything else my mother had me do I became good at it.
Sometimes I’d try and look the guy in the eyes because I wanted him to see me, you know?
But they always avoided my eyes. That’s one reason why when we make love I make sure I look at you. And, more importantly that you look at me. “
He nods and reaches for me again. “I always wondered about that” He says.
“This went on for awhile. Until I developed an infection in my throat. I was having trouble swallowing and I was gagging a lot. I went to the nurse at school, and they made me see a doctor. She found out I had gonorrhea of the mouth.
That’s when they took me and my brother away.”
“What happened to your parents”?
“Oh, they went to jail for awhile. Blaming me for “snitching” on them. Which I didn’t.
They said I was a piece of shit. That I was worthless. I was as bad as they come.
I believed them.
And my mother was right about me and my brother. We were separated, and he and I saw very little of each other over the years.
I was so angry and so mixed up I did everything I could to fuck up everywhere I went. And the more people rejected me, the more I believed my mother. And the more I believed her the more I would test people. You know, see whether they’d love me no matter what they did. Like I did to you.”
I didn’t have to add that last part. He knows that all too well. I had hurt and betrayed him for really no other reason than to see if he loved me as he said he did.
He did.
He forgave me- not right away, and not without a lot of pain and blood being shed. But he did forgive me.
Now he looks at me, and says “Chris, I’m glad you told me this. I’m so sorry that ever happened to you. I’m sorry that you were never protected, that you were abused and used and humiliated like that. And that you carried the guilt for all the things that were done to YOU.
I’m sorry that you were never shown what a wonderful boy you were”_
I make some disparaging noise, and he puts his finger to my lips.
“No, please just listen to me. You were just a boy, and you did the things you did to help your family, and your brother.”
“I didn’t want to get beaten” I say.
He says to me” Of course not, why would you? But you also felt responsible for everyone and everything. And nobody ever told you how amazing that was. How brave you were, or how strong.”
“I wasn’t strong” I say. “I broke down. Look what I did with my life. Look at what I became. My brother didn’t.”
“Who knows how your brother would have turned out if you hadn’t done the things you did? He probably would have been the one to do them. And he would have been the angry and hostile one in the foster homes, not you.
He was also younger than you. He didn’t get to see or bear the brunt of all that you did. Did he get adopted by his foster parents?”
I nod my head.
“Well then his life was much different than yours. All you knew was rejection, abandonment and pain from everyone who either claimed they loved you, or who should have loved you. And it sounds like things weren’t better in the foster homes.”
“Well, I wasn’t sexually abused, or forced to be a prostitute, or made to steal. But I was beaten in many of the homes I was in, and the few that were nice I made sure I screwed up. I think I was always hoping they’d keep me. Like I said, it was a test, you know?”
He smiles sadly as he remembers the tests that we went through due to my need for “unconditional love”.
“I know” is all he says.
“Toby, I’m so sorry about all that”. I say for the thousandth time. I know if will never erase the look on his face when he remembers that day in the gym.
But now he looks at me with new eyes. Soft eyes. His eyes tell me that for the first time he understands why I did what I did.
He may have forgiven me before, but he never understood it. He never understood why I am such a bottomless pit when it comes to needing proof. Proof of love. Proof of acceptance.
“Show me you love me” I say that all the time to him. And it always ends up with the two of us in bed. Now he understands what I really am saying is “show me I matter to you.”
“Show me you understand-show me that you see me”.
For the first time I understand why I did the things I did. I knew part of it before. I knew that I was looking for unconditional love because I felt worthless.
But I never knew why until I told Toby my story.
Now I could really go to Sister Pete and tell her I had a breakthrough.
Toby eases me onto the bed and begins kissing me. He holds me and I think how amazing it is that I let this out and though I broke down, I didn’t break.
And Toby loves me even more than he did before.
He’s mumbling something again. I hear him telling me he’ll wipe away my tears, and then he does so.
Then he says something else that sounds like” I’m taking you away”.
I laugh, but I know what he means. He’s taking me away from myself. He’s helping me take the pain away with every kiss, touch and soothing whispered words of love.
I close my eyes and am thankful that "one sweet dream I had came true today"…
The End