Doctor Who/Firefly: Fortuitous Venture, (2, Jamie, Victoria; Mal, Jayne, Wash, Zoe, Kaylee,Inara) PG
Title: Fortuitous Venture
Author: Van Donovan / vandonovan
Characters: The second Doctor, Jamie McCrimmon, Victoria Waterfield, Mal Reynolds, Kaylee Frye, Wash Washburn, Zoe Washburn, Jayne Cobb, Inara Serra.
Pairing(s): vaguely Two/Jamie, Kaylee/Jamie? Really, none other than canonically Zoe and Wash are married.
Rating: PG
Word Count: 5,057
Warnings: Set pre-Firefly TV series, and somewhere late in Victoria's run.
Summary: Unexpected compromises must be made when one crew meets the other.
Note: Written for two_love's "Second Doctor Cliché ficathon." Written for kimbo_demonica, who requested "Jamie's kilt goes missing. Hilarity ensues" and "Firefly (before the movie) crossover." She did request UNIT be involved, and alas, they aren't, and that there be adult slash or het, of which there's only a minor nod. But, it was getting out of hand and I lost steam. If you've not seen Firefly, you can probably read the crew as a set of original characters and still enjoy it. There's nothing especially spoilery for that TV series.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. I made no money from this, but if you want to hire me, I'm cheap. Betaing provided by irreparable. ♥
(crossposted to dwliterotica and dwfiction)
Greenleaf was like any other planet on the Border at the beginning of the 26th century, dancing that fine line between Rim World and Core. Its spiralling skyscrapers and glittering cities gave way to a seedy underground, ripe for bounty hunters, trade ships and space pirates alike. It wasn’t really the sort of place the Doctor tended to want to take his companions, but he rarely had much choice in the matter. In any event, Jamie had eagerly skipped off to visit one of the alehouses almost immediately after their arrival, leaving the Doctor to fend for Victoria and himself.
He figured so long as they stayed out of the underground, things would be all right. They had picked a moderately nice restaurant to eat at, sitting out on the veranda to enjoy the morning breeze, planning to make a day of it, just the two of them. So it was a great surprise that Jamie showed up tableside only an hour later, wearing little more than his undershirt, his jumper wrapped modestly around his hips.
‘Jamie!’ Victoria cried, her eyes widening in alarm at his lack of apparel.
The Doctor was likewise shocked. ‘Oh my word, Jamie! Were you mugged?’ he cried, getting to his feet.
‘Och, no,’ Jamie said. He looked rather shamefaced and not at all beaten up. ‘I really dinnae want tae talk about it.’ He nodded at the Doctor. ‘Can I have the key tae the TARDIS, then? I’d like tae get some proper clothes on.’
‘But, but, but Jamie!’ the Doctor began, wringing his hands in confusion. ‘What happened? Someone has taken your kilt!’
‘I know that,’ Jamie snapped. ‘I dinnae have enough money.’
‘But the Doctor gave you money!’ Victoria said, doing a very noble job of not eyeing Jamie’s lower half.
‘Aye, well, I lost it all.’
‘Lost it?’ the Doctor repeated. ‘So you were mugged?’
‘No,’ Jamie answered. He stared at his feet. ‘It was at a game of pool.’
‘Pool?’ the Doctor repeated. ‘Jamie, I didn’t even know you knew how to play pool.’
‘I don’t,’ he answered.
Victoria put a hand to her mouth, although whether it was to stifle a giggle or to cover her surprise was hard to tell. ‘Were you gambling, Jamie?’ she scolded.
The way the Doctor’s eyes widened just then proved he hadn’t quite grasped what Jamie had been telling him. ‘Jamie!’
‘Aye, it’s true, Doctor,’ Jamie said, apologetically. ‘I couldnae say no tae them, though! They insulted my manhood, said I was a lass because of my kilt.’
‘And so of course you played a game of pool to show your masculinity,’ the Doctor said, arching an eyebrow.
‘It sounds daft when ye say it like that.’
‘It was very foolish of you, Jamie.’
‘Och, I know,” he whinged. “Now can ye just give me the key tae the TARDIS so I can get dressed?’
Wiping his mouth with his cloth napkin, the Doctor got to his feet. ‘No, I think not, Jamie.’
‘What?’ Jamie began, baffled. ‘Doctor! I cannae just stand out here like this! I’ve nothing on under this!’ He gestured to his shirt, which was only doing a mildly decent job of keeping him properly covered.
By now Victoria’s face was a vibrant red. ‘Oh, Doctor,’ she started. ‘You don’t mean to punish him, do you?’
‘Jamie really should learn not to take such rash actions,’ the Doctor said, studying the boy. ‘But I’m also unhappy that someone would take a man’s trousers!’
‘Kilt,’ Jamie said.
‘Yes, that. Jamie, can you describe the man who took your kilt?’
‘Aye, he was a huge brute,’ he said. ‘At least this tall,’ he reached his hand way over his head, ‘and had mean eyes and a goatee. His hair was dark and he was well armed.’
‘Well, that isn’t going to help much. Do you remember anything else? Did he have any tattoos? Do you think the bartender would remember him?’
Jamie crossed his arms. ‘I can do ye better than that. I know his name, Doctor. All the time he made fun of my kilt he went around with the name of a lass himself: Jayne Cobb, it was.’
--
It wasn’t easy to track the man down, even with a name as obvious and particular as Jayne Cobb. It took the better part of the afternoon and brought them out of the city, out to a dusty spaceport that looked in more in disrepair than repair. The owner of the port, a mean, stocky fellow, directed them to the ship Jayne was apparently a crewmember on.
The vessel was old and space worn. It was hard to believe it could actually breach the atmosphere, let alone travel thought space. There was no obvious front door, no easy entrance. To Jamie and Victoria it was a monolith of incomprehensible proportions. Jamie had experienced airplanes once before, but this was far beyond even that.
‘Come on, Doctor,’ he tried one final time, tugging at the Doctor’s arm imploringly. ‘Why cannae we just get another kilt? I’ll even wear trousers until we find one, if ye like. We dinnae have tae do this.’
‘Do listen to him,’ Victoria said, standing close beside both the men. She seemed impossibly small next to the huge, imposing ship. ‘I don’t think I want to meet the type of men that live in this sort of ship.’
‘Nonsense,’ the Doctor said, shaking Jamie off. He strode up to the ship’s closed loading ramp and pounded on it. ‘Open up in there!’ he demanded. ‘Do you hear me? Open up!’
Jamie and Victoria stood well away from the Doctor and the vessel, watching with apprehension for what was going to happen. ‘He’s gone nutters,’ Jamie muttered.
The Doctor pounded for five minutes without pausing. Just as it seemed that he might finally give up under the assumption that no one was home, the grinding metal of the ramp being lowered suddenly began. Surprised, the Doctor hurriedly scurried out of the way. He beamed proudly at his companions. ‘See? They heard me.’
‘Aye, and now they’ll come out and shoot us all.’
The Doctor’s cheerful smile immediately evaporated at the implication of Jamie’s words. Still, he held his ground, standing protectively in front of his companions, ready to take on whatever threat came down that ramp. As more and more of the interior of the ship was revealed, the Doctor began worriedly wringing his hands. Perhaps he was out of his league after all. ‘Oh dear, oh dear,’ he muttered.
When at last the ramp was lowered, the airlock doors opened and there stood the most unlikely looking person the three time travellers had ever expected to see.
‘Gosh, from all that poundin’ I’d’ve thought ya’ll was some real angry folks. But y’ain’t, are y’? What a sweet dress!’ The girl speaking, for she very much was a girl, directed that last line to Victoria. She herself was dressed in a pair of dirty olive green coveralls, but beneath that she wore a bright pink silk Chinese shirt, and her hair was up in twin buns, held in place with chopsticks.
‘I um,’ the Doctor began, a little at a loss. ‘Yes. Well, perhaps I did get a little over enthusiastic with my pounding,’ he began.
The girl strolled down the ramp. Her eyes trailed off Victoria’s dress, to take in the little man in front before sweeping over Jamie. Once she noticed his state of dress, her hands flew to her mouth and she visibly blushed. ‘Oh, well. It’s all right,’ she began, her eyes riveted on the Scot. ‘The cap’n just wanted t’ make sure ya’ll weren’t hostile ‘fore we opened her up. Ya’ll ain’t hostile, right?’
‘Ah, yes, the captain. No, no, we aren’t hostile at all. You see, I’m the Doctor and these are my friends Jamie and Victoria.’
‘How do y’do?’ the girl said, her eyes still on Jamie. ‘I’m Kaylee.’
The Doctor noticed Kaylee’s gaze, followed it to its source, scowled and took a rather obvious step to the left, in front of Jamie. ‘Yes. Hello, Kaylee. Would your captain by any chance be named Jayne Cobb?’
Kaylee had been trying to see Jamie around the Doctor, but came to at the question. ‘What?’ She laughed. ‘Heavens, no! Jayne, the cap’n? Now ain’t that a laugh!’
‘Oh, dear,’ the Doctor said, floundering. ‘But . . . but you do know him, don’t you? This Jayne Cobb fellow?’
‘Oh sure!’ Kaylee enthused. ‘He’s our new hired-’ whatever she was going to say she self censored. ‘Help. He’s hired help.’ Her eyes narrowed a bit. ‘He in trouble again? Already?’
‘Um, well, sort of. You see, my friend here,’ the Doctor began, starting to take a step to reveal Jamie, then seemed to think better of it. ‘Well, he’s apparently been swindled by this Jayne fellow.’
‘Now, there ain’t nobody doing no swindling on my boat without going through me first.’
Kaylee spun around as the Doctor and his companions looked up. From behind her a tall man in a brown leather coat stalked up. His clothing was a bit well worn, but he still managed to look cool and calm and not a little imposing. He put his hands on his belt, surveying his surroundings.
‘Oh, Cap’n!’ Kaylee began. ‘I was just about gonna go get you.’
A quick look at Jamie convinced the Doctor that this wasn’t the man who’d taken the boy’s kilt. ‘Hello, Captain,’ he began, stepping up onto the ramp. ‘I’m the Doctor, and these are my friends, Jamie and Victoria.’
The captain did not make a move towards the Doctor, but inclined his head slightly. ‘We ain’t interested in solicitors,’ he said. His eyes caught for a moment on Jamie, and his brows furrowed. ‘’Specially ain’t interested in the wares you’re peddling, old man.’
The Doctor drew himself up, indignant. ‘I’m afraid you misunderstand me, Captain--?’
‘Reynolds,’ the man said. ‘Th’ name’s Malcolm Reynolds.’
‘Cap’n,’ Kaylee said, softly. ‘They says Jayne swindled them at something. Thinkin’ they might be Alliance or the like?’
‘Alliance? This lot?’ The captain snorted. ‘You pickle my shoe if they are, Kaylee.’ He straightened up. ‘Now, I know Jayne ain’t exactly the most upright of citizens,’ he began, then paused. ‘Actually, ain’t even sure he’s a citizen. But what he does in his spare time don’t actually reflect on me and my crew, not just yet. If he’s in trouble with the law, you bring it up with him.’
Jamie had had enough of this. ‘Och, he took my kilt!’ he said, stepping around the Doctor. ‘And I’ll have it back!’
‘Yes,’ the Doctor said, keeping his cool. ‘Your man beat my friend here at a game of pool and took his clothing as compensation when my friend ran out of money. I’d like to offer to buy the garment back from him. It has sentimental value to it, you see.’
The captain looked close to laughing. ‘Don’t see as how this is my problem,’ he said, off handed. ‘’Sides, Jayne ain’t even here.’
‘Cap’n!’ Kaylee began, looking up at him with imploring eyes.
‘What?’ the captain muttered.
‘Ain’t you got eyes in that big ol’ head of yours?’ she whined.
The captain looked back out at the people gathered on his ramp. He swept over the Doctor and Victoria again, stopping only when he came across Jamie once more. Kaylee nodded her head encouragingly, exaggeratedly. ‘Aw, hell, Kaylee,’ he began, realizing her interest in the boy. Then, taking a deep breath, he waved them forward. ‘Course, y’all’re welcome t’ come on board and wait for his return.’
Kaylee clapped her hands together excitedly at exactly the same time the Doctor did.
‘Oh, splendid, splendid,’ the Doctor said, rubbing his hands together. ‘Thank you very much.’ He started up the ship ramp excitedly.
Behind him, Jamie and Victoria exchanged distrusting glances, but eventually followed the Doctor up the ramp and into the ship. The trio passed the captain, who stood aside, watching them stoically as they passed. Kaylee held one arm out, welcoming them into the ship. None of the guests noticed the way she rather leered at Jamie’s mostly exposed behind as he passed inside, but the captain shook his head ruefully at her.
--
‘You’re Scottish! Did you hear that, honey? He’s Scottish! You know, I didn’t know that there even were any Scots anymore. Where are you from? Must be some colony I’m unfamiliar with. Can I get you to say “Auf Wiedersehen”?’
‘That’s German, and the accent ain’t that good.’
The new speakers were, as the captain explained, his second in command, Zoe, and her husband-the-(talkative)-pilot, Wash.
‘It’s no accent,’ Jamie snapped. He stood in the kitchen now, his back pressed neatly against one of the bulkhead walls. The Doctor and Victoria had been escorted to seats at the main table.
Wash had usurped a chair of his own, spun it backwards and was studying Jamie with deep fascination. He had wild, strawberry blond hair and inquisitive eyes. ‘Not an accent?’ Wash asked. ‘So they do still speak like that somewhere? Where are you from?’
‘Scotland!’ Jamie retorted. ‘Are you daft? Where else would I be from?’
The Doctor perked up. ‘Oh, this is the 26th century!’ he exclaimed, getting to his feet. The chair scrapped noisily on the floor as he stood. ‘Yes, well, you see,’ he began, addressing Wash as Zoe looked on suspiciously. ‘He’s from Scotland, the colony. New Scotland it’s called. New New Scotland, in fact, I believe. Yes, I think that’s right. It’s amazing how an accent can be preserved these days, through audio records and holovids, you know.’
‘Och, Doctor, just what’re ye on about now?’ Jamie chided.
‘Not now, Jamie. I’ll explain later.’
‘New New Scotland, you say?’ Wash echoed, glancing to his wife for confirmation. ‘Well, I’ve never heard of that, and I’ve flown through most of this ‘verse.’
‘It’s very small. A colony within a colony, you might say,’ the Doctor said.
‘And you all from this New New Scotland, Doctor?’ Zoe asked, crossing her arms.
‘Oh, heavens no. Victoria here is from New England.’ His brow furrowed. ‘No, that’s not right at all.’ He stared at her, as if looking at the girl would help him remember where she was from.
‘Sound like y’all’re both from Dyton Colony,’ the captain said, stepping into the galley. ‘Don’t much like folk from Dyton.’
‘Dyton?’ Wash echoed, laughing. ‘No, no, the accent is all wrong for Dyton. Mal, he’s Scottish!’
‘The boy ain’t got no pants on, Wash, if you haven’t noticed. I’m thinkin’ maybe he’s got more on his mind right now than to be fielding questions from an over eager pilot.’ He jerked his head towards the cockpit. ‘You go and see if you can’t raise Jayne on the comm. again. Hundan should be back by now.’
Wash got to his feet rather sheepishly, trying manfully to not appear as if he’d just been ordered around in front of their guests. He shrugged, swatted playfully at the woman he was supposedly married to, then disappeared down the corridor.
‘Sorry about him,’ the captain said. He took a place at the head of the table, leaning forwards on the chair to take in his three guests. ‘Inquisitive mind, he has. Can be dangerous in a job like ours.’
‘And just what sort of job would that be?’ the Doctor asked.
The captain straightened up. ‘How’s about I don’t ask where your friend learned to speak with a Scottish accent, and you don’t go asking me about my business?’
‘I . . . I think that’s fair,’ the Doctor conceded.
‘About Jamie’s kilt,’ Victoria said, piping up for the first time.
Her words brought the captain’s eyes to her again and he smiled as he took her in. ‘Reckon I ain’t seen your type around here before,’ he noted. ‘Being you’re clearly not what you seem. Strange crew you got, Doctor.’
‘I could say the same for you, Captain Reynolds,’ he smoothly replied.
‘How’s about I put on some tea?’ Kaylee suggested, bubbly and bright as before. ‘Y’alls like tea, don’t ya?’
‘Oh, yes,’ the Doctor said, rubbing his hands together. ‘Some tea would be splendid.’
‘Don’t you go giving all my tea away now, Kaylee! I earned that tea! It’s my tea!’ the captain protested hotly. ‘Be givin’ away our cargo next, will you!’
Kaylee looked shamefaced, almost as if she were close to tears at being scolded. ‘It’s just a little tea, Cap’n. There’s only three of ‘em.’
‘You know who has great tea?’ Wash said loudly, poking his head back in from the cockpit, directing attention to him and off Kaylee. ‘Inara. Yes, Inara has lovely tea. And she is also fond of sharing, unlike some captains I know.’ He gave a pointed glare at Mal as he got to his feet. ‘Why don’t we go ask Inara if we can borrow some of her tea?’
‘We don’t have to have tea,’ the Doctor quickly said. ‘If it’s too much trouble.’
‘It’s no trouble at all,’ Wash said, all smiles. ‘We’ll be right back.’ And so saying, he took Kaylee by the arm and the two disappeared down one of the corridors, leaving the Doctor and his friends alone with the captain and his stoic first officer.
An awkward silence descended upon the galley and no one spoke to break it. It was fortunate, then, that Wash and Kaylee returned a short time later, this time with a tall dark haired woman in flowing red robes. Her eyes swept over the Doctor and his companions before flashing her gaze up, to catch the captain.
‘I wasn’t told we were having company, Mal,’ the woman said. ‘Somehow, I thought even you would provide better accommodations for them than this.’
‘Ain’t my guests,’ Mal replied coolly. ‘They got business with Jayne. Not my concern.’
‘They’re on your ship, Mal,’ she retorted. ‘That makes them your guests.’
The scowl that settled on the captain’s face was pronounced. ‘Ain’t you got some whoring to be doin’ ‘bout now?’
The captain’s words were so sharp and unexpected that all three new arrivals snapped their heads up to look at him in shock.
Jamie pushed off the wall in disbelief. ‘Ye cannae go about insulting a lady like that!’ he insisted.
The captain’s eyebrows rose as he took Jamie in. ‘A lady? What, Inara?’
‘Oh, this boat sure is a barrel of laughs!’ Wash announced loudly. ‘So, about that tea!’
‘I’m talking here, Wash,’ Mal snapped, not taking his eyes off Jamie. Wash quietly sank down in a chair beside Zoe again, tail between his legs. ‘So, boy, you want to defend the “lady’s” honour, do you?’
Jamie glanced to the Doctor for guidance, but the little man revealed nothing. ‘Aye,’ Jamie said, lifting his chin. ‘It’s the right thing tae do.’
‘Enough, Mal,’ Inara said, her tone firm and icy.
‘You don’t go ordering me about on my own boat,’ he returned hotly. ‘You don’t ever do that, Inara.’
The woman had been opening a drawer, to retrieve a small tin of tea, but she lifted her eyes and fixed them on the captain across the room. ‘Kaylee,’ she said. ‘You’re welcome to serve our guests as much of my tea as they’d like,’ she said. ‘I’ve just realized I’ve somewhere more pleasant to be.’
‘Some ambassador’s bed, I’ll bet!’ Mal shouted at her form as she retreated down the hall. Inara did not deign to give him a reply.
Jamie waited until the woman had gone completely before addressing the captain. His tone was fierce. ‘What did ye go and do that for?’
‘Jamie,’ the Doctor mildly said, getting to his feet to stand beside his friend. ‘Do remember that different world’s have different customs than . . . than our own.’
‘Och,’ Jamie spat, glaring at Mal. ‘I dinnae need my kilt so badly, Doctor, tae be dealing with this sort of filth,’ he said. ‘Let’s just go.’
Victoria rose to stand beside them. ‘I think Jamie’s right.’
‘She’s a gorram companion!’ Mal protested, suddenly looking worried that his guests were so genuinely offended at his outburst. ‘I’m only telling it as it is.’
‘Sir,’ Zoe said. ‘May be best to just drop it.’
‘Fine,’ he said. ‘You want to go, go. Didn’t ask you on board in the first place.’
Kaylee looked forlornly up from the kettle she’d set to boil. ‘Y’all don’t even want to wait for your tea? It’ll only be just a bit longer . . .’
‘No, I do think we had better go,’ the Doctor said dismissively. ‘Now that I know what type of people we’re dealing with.’
As one the three time travellers turned to depart. They made it as far as the aft galley door before the sound of boots pounding up the metal stairwell made them halt.
Within seconds a huge, ape-like man was blocking their path.
‘That’s him, Doctor!’ Jamie suddenly cried, clutching at the little man’s shoulder as he pointed. ‘That’s Jayne Cobb, the man who took my kilt!’
‘Oh my word!’ the Doctor cried, putting his arm around Victoria, drawing her back protectively.
‘He’s hideous!’ the girl cried.
‘The hell’s going on here?’ Jayne demanded. He easily looked over the heads of the three in his path, focusing on his captain, who was still standing in front of the long table in the galley, near his first officer and Wash.
The Doctor tried valiantly to push his companions behind him. ‘You, sir, have taken something from my friend!’
Jayne glared down at the Doctor. His eyes drifted over to Jamie. ‘You mean this one?’ he said, thumbing at Jamie. ‘Lost that thing fair and square in a game of pool, old man.’ Then he addressed Jamie. ‘You don’t like the rules, don’t play the game.’ He then bodily shoved his way past all three, rubbing rather unnecessarily up against Victoria as he did.
‘Hey, stop, you!’ Jamie cried. The boy had pulled his dirk out from his boot and was now brandishing it at the departing man’s back.
‘Jamie!’ the Doctor admonished.
‘Now, suggest you don’t go pullin’ knives on my boat,’ Mal said flatly. ‘Might think you’re threatenin’ members of my crew, you do.’
‘Och, so it’s all right for you to, but no me?’
‘They are my crew,’ Mal replied heatedly. ‘Jayne?’
Jayne was already starting to lumber through the fore corridor, heading towards the crew quarters. ‘Aw, hell Mal, what is it? I got a killer headache and don’t have time to be messin’ with angry kids upset jus’ ‘cause I whipped their ass at pool.’
‘May that it be,’ Mal said. ‘Still, they did come all this way. Figure you ain’t got much use for a kilt, do you? The good Doc here has even offered cashy monies for it’s return.’
‘Money?’ Jayne said, turning around. He fixed the Doctor with an intense stare. ‘How much we talkin’ ‘bout?’
Whatever bravado the Doctor had mustered seemed to wilt under the thuggish glare of Jayne. His hands, which were suspended near his collar lapels, drew together as he worried them. ‘Oh, dear me,’ he began, stepping back to put some distance between himself and the brute. He nearly tripped over Jamie in the act, and might have tumbled to the floor in a clownish heap if the boy hadn’t caught him and kept him on his feet.
‘Thank you, Jamie,’ he said quickly before dusting himself off and standing upright. ‘Well, young man, it just so happens that I have some credits left over from dinner tonight.’ He fished around in his pockets, pulling out bits of twine, paperclips and a bright orange yoyo. ‘Aha!’ He held out a thin black credit marker.
Jayne snatched it, looked at it, sniffed it and then bit it in half. ‘Hell, that’s chocolate.’
‘Oh dear,’ the Doctor lamented, his childlike smile melting into one of abstract displeasure. ‘That’s not right!’
‘You tryin’ t’ have one over on me, little man?’ Jayne asked, somehow managing to draw his height up even more. He practically loomed over the three travellers.
‘Why don’t you just let Jamie have it back!’ Victoria suddenly cried. ‘It doesn’t belong to you and he needs it! You don’t have to be such a mean brute!’
Jayne’s eyes flickered to Victoria and he tilted his head. ‘I won, he lost. What part of that don’t you get?’
‘I understand perfectly well what you two were doing,’ she continued. ‘It doesn’t excuse the fact that the kilt is of no use to you! You couldn’t possibly wear it. Out of the goodness of your heart, you could return it!’
‘ “Goodness of my heart”?’ Jayne barked a laugh. ‘Hell, Mal. I like her. Can we keep her?’ He flashed a leering smile at Victoria. ‘You know how t’ cook, little lady? ‘Cause we sure could use a new cook. Had to gullet the last. Yeah. Couple of meals and some tasty desserts ought t’ pay off that debt real fast.’
Mal sidled up beside Jayne. ‘You got a use for the boy’s kilt, Jayne?’ he asked.
The man shrugged. ‘Figured I could find a use for it. Put my guns on it when I’m cleaning ‘em. Keep from scratching the tabletop; know you’d like that.’
Jamie’s eyes bulged out of his head at Jayne’s words and only the Doctor’s hand restraining his arm kept the Scot from lashing out. ‘You’ll do no such thing!’ Jamie cried. He looked imploringly at the Doctor. ‘Ye dinnae have any money left, Doctor?’
‘I’m afraid not, Jamie.’
Victoria stepped forward, putting herself between the Doctor and Jamie and Mal and Jayne. ‘You’re a cargo ship, aren’t you?’ she pointedly asked.
‘Sure am,’ Mal said. ‘What’s it to you?’
‘If you’re willing to carry our cargo - a wardrobe-sized blue box - I can pay you for Jamie’s kilt.’ She lifted her chin. ‘I can do kitchen work. Cook and clean, like Jayne said.’
‘Victoria! No!’ Jamie protested.
‘Noble of you,’ Mal said. ‘But stupid. You stay on my boat while we do our cargo drops then I got to feed you, bathe you, water you. All that comes from my supplies. Ain’t no way your cookin’ is gonna make up for an extra three hungry mouths to feed and the boy’s kilt as well.’
‘We’ll have our own supplies,’ Victoria explained. ‘Our box is very resourceful.’
‘Must be some box,’ the captain said. He looked over to the Doctor, considering. ‘What sort of game you three playing?’
‘It’s not a game,’ the Doctor replied. ‘Victoria’s just trying to be helpful. And she is right, you know. It’s not a very large box, but we three can all fit inside. You wouldn’t even have to provide us accommodations.’
‘All three inside, and you got your own food supplies?’ Mal shook his head. ‘That just ain’t right.’
‘Hell, Mal. Wouldn’t mind having the girl on the boat a while longer,’ Jayne said. ‘Sure is nice to look at.’ He grinned lecherously at her.
Mal rolled his eyes. ‘Zoe?’
‘Think we better see this wonder box before we make any rash decisions, sir.’
‘Agreed.’ Mal focused on Doctor. ‘Fine. We see your box, make sure you’re telling the truth ‘bout all that. But you mess up just once and I’m dropping you and yours off on the nearest moon, kilt or no kilt.’
‘Yes, sir,’ the Doctor cheerfully said, beaming broadly. ‘Although we would appreciate if you loaned us back the kilt, in the meantime. Until the debt is paid off, of course.’
‘Jayne?’
Jayne scowled, but nodded. ‘All right. It’s down in the pawnshop. I’ll get it while you fetch your fancy box.’
‘Pawnshop!’ Jamie cried, about to launch himself at Jayne again. ‘He’s already gone and sold it! Why ye damn Sassenach!’
The Doctor struggled to restrain him. ‘It’s all right, Jamie! I’m sure it hasn’t been purchased yet!’
‘But we could’ve just gone and bought it direct!’ he hissed, pulling out of the Doctor’s grasp angrily. ‘Now we’ll be stuck on this filthy boat until he decides we’ve served him enough.’ He crossed his arms angrily as Jayne stalked away hurriedly, heading down the stairwell again.
‘I’m sorry, Jamie,’ Victoria said. ‘I didn’t know.
‘Och, it’s no your fault, Victoria.’
‘Now, now. Don’t fret, you two! This will be fun,’ the Doctor boisterously said. ‘Victoria is a very fine cook, I’m sure. And I must profess I’m rather looking forward to space flight by Firefly.’
‘ “Firefly”? What’s that?’ Jamie asked.
‘That’s this type of vessel,’ the Doctor said, patting one of the curved walls. ‘Rather out of date for this time period, but I do rather have a fondness for slightly out of date ships. They’ve got such character.’
‘Och, I just hope she’s no as temperamental as the TARDIS.’
‘But Jamie!’ the Doctor cried. ‘That’s what makes it so fun!’
Jamie eyed him dubiously. ‘If you say so.’
‘Ya’ll just gonna stand there chatting?’ Mal finally asked. ‘Or you going to go get this box of yours?’
‘Well,’ the Doctor said. ‘You see, it’s a bit too large for me to move on my own. I was wondering if we couldn’t borrow that mule vehicle you had in your cargo hold, to help load it with.’
Mal closed his eyes and sighed. ‘Why do I get the feeling this is all a really bad idea?’ He turned to look over his shoulder. Wash and Zoe had retreated down the hall, to settle together in the cockpit. ‘Wash!’ He shouted loud enough that his voice would carry. ‘Got a job for you!’
When Wash reappeared, he sent the pilot off with the Doctor, Jamie and Victoria, to load up the TARDIS and bring it back to the ship. It took another two hours, and the sun was setting by the time things were secured. But Victoria cooked a marvellous dinner that evening, Jamie got his kilt back, and the Doctor regaled everyone with a thrilling tale about gunfighters in the old west and how everything had nearly come apart due to a little toothache on his part.
And that was just the beginning of how the Doctor and his friends began travelling with the crew of Serenity.
Author: Van Donovan / vandonovan
Characters: The second Doctor, Jamie McCrimmon, Victoria Waterfield, Mal Reynolds, Kaylee Frye, Wash Washburn, Zoe Washburn, Jayne Cobb, Inara Serra.
Pairing(s): vaguely Two/Jamie, Kaylee/Jamie? Really, none other than canonically Zoe and Wash are married.
Rating: PG
Word Count: 5,057
Warnings: Set pre-Firefly TV series, and somewhere late in Victoria's run.
Summary: Unexpected compromises must be made when one crew meets the other.
Note: Written for two_love's "Second Doctor Cliché ficathon." Written for kimbo_demonica, who requested "Jamie's kilt goes missing. Hilarity ensues" and "Firefly (before the movie) crossover." She did request UNIT be involved, and alas, they aren't, and that there be adult slash or het, of which there's only a minor nod. But, it was getting out of hand and I lost steam. If you've not seen Firefly, you can probably read the crew as a set of original characters and still enjoy it. There's nothing especially spoilery for that TV series.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. I made no money from this, but if you want to hire me, I'm cheap. Betaing provided by irreparable. ♥
(crossposted to dwliterotica and dwfiction)
Greenleaf was like any other planet on the Border at the beginning of the 26th century, dancing that fine line between Rim World and Core. Its spiralling skyscrapers and glittering cities gave way to a seedy underground, ripe for bounty hunters, trade ships and space pirates alike. It wasn’t really the sort of place the Doctor tended to want to take his companions, but he rarely had much choice in the matter. In any event, Jamie had eagerly skipped off to visit one of the alehouses almost immediately after their arrival, leaving the Doctor to fend for Victoria and himself.
He figured so long as they stayed out of the underground, things would be all right. They had picked a moderately nice restaurant to eat at, sitting out on the veranda to enjoy the morning breeze, planning to make a day of it, just the two of them. So it was a great surprise that Jamie showed up tableside only an hour later, wearing little more than his undershirt, his jumper wrapped modestly around his hips.
‘Jamie!’ Victoria cried, her eyes widening in alarm at his lack of apparel.
The Doctor was likewise shocked. ‘Oh my word, Jamie! Were you mugged?’ he cried, getting to his feet.
‘Och, no,’ Jamie said. He looked rather shamefaced and not at all beaten up. ‘I really dinnae want tae talk about it.’ He nodded at the Doctor. ‘Can I have the key tae the TARDIS, then? I’d like tae get some proper clothes on.’
‘But, but, but Jamie!’ the Doctor began, wringing his hands in confusion. ‘What happened? Someone has taken your kilt!’
‘I know that,’ Jamie snapped. ‘I dinnae have enough money.’
‘But the Doctor gave you money!’ Victoria said, doing a very noble job of not eyeing Jamie’s lower half.
‘Aye, well, I lost it all.’
‘Lost it?’ the Doctor repeated. ‘So you were mugged?’
‘No,’ Jamie answered. He stared at his feet. ‘It was at a game of pool.’
‘Pool?’ the Doctor repeated. ‘Jamie, I didn’t even know you knew how to play pool.’
‘I don’t,’ he answered.
Victoria put a hand to her mouth, although whether it was to stifle a giggle or to cover her surprise was hard to tell. ‘Were you gambling, Jamie?’ she scolded.
The way the Doctor’s eyes widened just then proved he hadn’t quite grasped what Jamie had been telling him. ‘Jamie!’
‘Aye, it’s true, Doctor,’ Jamie said, apologetically. ‘I couldnae say no tae them, though! They insulted my manhood, said I was a lass because of my kilt.’
‘And so of course you played a game of pool to show your masculinity,’ the Doctor said, arching an eyebrow.
‘It sounds daft when ye say it like that.’
‘It was very foolish of you, Jamie.’
‘Och, I know,” he whinged. “Now can ye just give me the key tae the TARDIS so I can get dressed?’
Wiping his mouth with his cloth napkin, the Doctor got to his feet. ‘No, I think not, Jamie.’
‘What?’ Jamie began, baffled. ‘Doctor! I cannae just stand out here like this! I’ve nothing on under this!’ He gestured to his shirt, which was only doing a mildly decent job of keeping him properly covered.
By now Victoria’s face was a vibrant red. ‘Oh, Doctor,’ she started. ‘You don’t mean to punish him, do you?’
‘Jamie really should learn not to take such rash actions,’ the Doctor said, studying the boy. ‘But I’m also unhappy that someone would take a man’s trousers!’
‘Kilt,’ Jamie said.
‘Yes, that. Jamie, can you describe the man who took your kilt?’
‘Aye, he was a huge brute,’ he said. ‘At least this tall,’ he reached his hand way over his head, ‘and had mean eyes and a goatee. His hair was dark and he was well armed.’
‘Well, that isn’t going to help much. Do you remember anything else? Did he have any tattoos? Do you think the bartender would remember him?’
Jamie crossed his arms. ‘I can do ye better than that. I know his name, Doctor. All the time he made fun of my kilt he went around with the name of a lass himself: Jayne Cobb, it was.’
--
It wasn’t easy to track the man down, even with a name as obvious and particular as Jayne Cobb. It took the better part of the afternoon and brought them out of the city, out to a dusty spaceport that looked in more in disrepair than repair. The owner of the port, a mean, stocky fellow, directed them to the ship Jayne was apparently a crewmember on.
The vessel was old and space worn. It was hard to believe it could actually breach the atmosphere, let alone travel thought space. There was no obvious front door, no easy entrance. To Jamie and Victoria it was a monolith of incomprehensible proportions. Jamie had experienced airplanes once before, but this was far beyond even that.
‘Come on, Doctor,’ he tried one final time, tugging at the Doctor’s arm imploringly. ‘Why cannae we just get another kilt? I’ll even wear trousers until we find one, if ye like. We dinnae have tae do this.’
‘Do listen to him,’ Victoria said, standing close beside both the men. She seemed impossibly small next to the huge, imposing ship. ‘I don’t think I want to meet the type of men that live in this sort of ship.’
‘Nonsense,’ the Doctor said, shaking Jamie off. He strode up to the ship’s closed loading ramp and pounded on it. ‘Open up in there!’ he demanded. ‘Do you hear me? Open up!’
Jamie and Victoria stood well away from the Doctor and the vessel, watching with apprehension for what was going to happen. ‘He’s gone nutters,’ Jamie muttered.
The Doctor pounded for five minutes without pausing. Just as it seemed that he might finally give up under the assumption that no one was home, the grinding metal of the ramp being lowered suddenly began. Surprised, the Doctor hurriedly scurried out of the way. He beamed proudly at his companions. ‘See? They heard me.’
‘Aye, and now they’ll come out and shoot us all.’
The Doctor’s cheerful smile immediately evaporated at the implication of Jamie’s words. Still, he held his ground, standing protectively in front of his companions, ready to take on whatever threat came down that ramp. As more and more of the interior of the ship was revealed, the Doctor began worriedly wringing his hands. Perhaps he was out of his league after all. ‘Oh dear, oh dear,’ he muttered.
When at last the ramp was lowered, the airlock doors opened and there stood the most unlikely looking person the three time travellers had ever expected to see.
‘Gosh, from all that poundin’ I’d’ve thought ya’ll was some real angry folks. But y’ain’t, are y’? What a sweet dress!’ The girl speaking, for she very much was a girl, directed that last line to Victoria. She herself was dressed in a pair of dirty olive green coveralls, but beneath that she wore a bright pink silk Chinese shirt, and her hair was up in twin buns, held in place with chopsticks.
‘I um,’ the Doctor began, a little at a loss. ‘Yes. Well, perhaps I did get a little over enthusiastic with my pounding,’ he began.
The girl strolled down the ramp. Her eyes trailed off Victoria’s dress, to take in the little man in front before sweeping over Jamie. Once she noticed his state of dress, her hands flew to her mouth and she visibly blushed. ‘Oh, well. It’s all right,’ she began, her eyes riveted on the Scot. ‘The cap’n just wanted t’ make sure ya’ll weren’t hostile ‘fore we opened her up. Ya’ll ain’t hostile, right?’
‘Ah, yes, the captain. No, no, we aren’t hostile at all. You see, I’m the Doctor and these are my friends Jamie and Victoria.’
‘How do y’do?’ the girl said, her eyes still on Jamie. ‘I’m Kaylee.’
The Doctor noticed Kaylee’s gaze, followed it to its source, scowled and took a rather obvious step to the left, in front of Jamie. ‘Yes. Hello, Kaylee. Would your captain by any chance be named Jayne Cobb?’
Kaylee had been trying to see Jamie around the Doctor, but came to at the question. ‘What?’ She laughed. ‘Heavens, no! Jayne, the cap’n? Now ain’t that a laugh!’
‘Oh, dear,’ the Doctor said, floundering. ‘But . . . but you do know him, don’t you? This Jayne Cobb fellow?’
‘Oh sure!’ Kaylee enthused. ‘He’s our new hired-’ whatever she was going to say she self censored. ‘Help. He’s hired help.’ Her eyes narrowed a bit. ‘He in trouble again? Already?’
‘Um, well, sort of. You see, my friend here,’ the Doctor began, starting to take a step to reveal Jamie, then seemed to think better of it. ‘Well, he’s apparently been swindled by this Jayne fellow.’
‘Now, there ain’t nobody doing no swindling on my boat without going through me first.’
Kaylee spun around as the Doctor and his companions looked up. From behind her a tall man in a brown leather coat stalked up. His clothing was a bit well worn, but he still managed to look cool and calm and not a little imposing. He put his hands on his belt, surveying his surroundings.
‘Oh, Cap’n!’ Kaylee began. ‘I was just about gonna go get you.’
A quick look at Jamie convinced the Doctor that this wasn’t the man who’d taken the boy’s kilt. ‘Hello, Captain,’ he began, stepping up onto the ramp. ‘I’m the Doctor, and these are my friends, Jamie and Victoria.’
The captain did not make a move towards the Doctor, but inclined his head slightly. ‘We ain’t interested in solicitors,’ he said. His eyes caught for a moment on Jamie, and his brows furrowed. ‘’Specially ain’t interested in the wares you’re peddling, old man.’
The Doctor drew himself up, indignant. ‘I’m afraid you misunderstand me, Captain--?’
‘Reynolds,’ the man said. ‘Th’ name’s Malcolm Reynolds.’
‘Cap’n,’ Kaylee said, softly. ‘They says Jayne swindled them at something. Thinkin’ they might be Alliance or the like?’
‘Alliance? This lot?’ The captain snorted. ‘You pickle my shoe if they are, Kaylee.’ He straightened up. ‘Now, I know Jayne ain’t exactly the most upright of citizens,’ he began, then paused. ‘Actually, ain’t even sure he’s a citizen. But what he does in his spare time don’t actually reflect on me and my crew, not just yet. If he’s in trouble with the law, you bring it up with him.’
Jamie had had enough of this. ‘Och, he took my kilt!’ he said, stepping around the Doctor. ‘And I’ll have it back!’
‘Yes,’ the Doctor said, keeping his cool. ‘Your man beat my friend here at a game of pool and took his clothing as compensation when my friend ran out of money. I’d like to offer to buy the garment back from him. It has sentimental value to it, you see.’
The captain looked close to laughing. ‘Don’t see as how this is my problem,’ he said, off handed. ‘’Sides, Jayne ain’t even here.’
‘Cap’n!’ Kaylee began, looking up at him with imploring eyes.
‘What?’ the captain muttered.
‘Ain’t you got eyes in that big ol’ head of yours?’ she whined.
The captain looked back out at the people gathered on his ramp. He swept over the Doctor and Victoria again, stopping only when he came across Jamie once more. Kaylee nodded her head encouragingly, exaggeratedly. ‘Aw, hell, Kaylee,’ he began, realizing her interest in the boy. Then, taking a deep breath, he waved them forward. ‘Course, y’all’re welcome t’ come on board and wait for his return.’
Kaylee clapped her hands together excitedly at exactly the same time the Doctor did.
‘Oh, splendid, splendid,’ the Doctor said, rubbing his hands together. ‘Thank you very much.’ He started up the ship ramp excitedly.
Behind him, Jamie and Victoria exchanged distrusting glances, but eventually followed the Doctor up the ramp and into the ship. The trio passed the captain, who stood aside, watching them stoically as they passed. Kaylee held one arm out, welcoming them into the ship. None of the guests noticed the way she rather leered at Jamie’s mostly exposed behind as he passed inside, but the captain shook his head ruefully at her.
--
‘You’re Scottish! Did you hear that, honey? He’s Scottish! You know, I didn’t know that there even were any Scots anymore. Where are you from? Must be some colony I’m unfamiliar with. Can I get you to say “Auf Wiedersehen”?’
‘That’s German, and the accent ain’t that good.’
The new speakers were, as the captain explained, his second in command, Zoe, and her husband-the-(talkative)-pilot, Wash.
‘It’s no accent,’ Jamie snapped. He stood in the kitchen now, his back pressed neatly against one of the bulkhead walls. The Doctor and Victoria had been escorted to seats at the main table.
Wash had usurped a chair of his own, spun it backwards and was studying Jamie with deep fascination. He had wild, strawberry blond hair and inquisitive eyes. ‘Not an accent?’ Wash asked. ‘So they do still speak like that somewhere? Where are you from?’
‘Scotland!’ Jamie retorted. ‘Are you daft? Where else would I be from?’
The Doctor perked up. ‘Oh, this is the 26th century!’ he exclaimed, getting to his feet. The chair scrapped noisily on the floor as he stood. ‘Yes, well, you see,’ he began, addressing Wash as Zoe looked on suspiciously. ‘He’s from Scotland, the colony. New Scotland it’s called. New New Scotland, in fact, I believe. Yes, I think that’s right. It’s amazing how an accent can be preserved these days, through audio records and holovids, you know.’
‘Och, Doctor, just what’re ye on about now?’ Jamie chided.
‘Not now, Jamie. I’ll explain later.’
‘New New Scotland, you say?’ Wash echoed, glancing to his wife for confirmation. ‘Well, I’ve never heard of that, and I’ve flown through most of this ‘verse.’
‘It’s very small. A colony within a colony, you might say,’ the Doctor said.
‘And you all from this New New Scotland, Doctor?’ Zoe asked, crossing her arms.
‘Oh, heavens no. Victoria here is from New England.’ His brow furrowed. ‘No, that’s not right at all.’ He stared at her, as if looking at the girl would help him remember where she was from.
‘Sound like y’all’re both from Dyton Colony,’ the captain said, stepping into the galley. ‘Don’t much like folk from Dyton.’
‘Dyton?’ Wash echoed, laughing. ‘No, no, the accent is all wrong for Dyton. Mal, he’s Scottish!’
‘The boy ain’t got no pants on, Wash, if you haven’t noticed. I’m thinkin’ maybe he’s got more on his mind right now than to be fielding questions from an over eager pilot.’ He jerked his head towards the cockpit. ‘You go and see if you can’t raise Jayne on the comm. again. Hundan should be back by now.’
Wash got to his feet rather sheepishly, trying manfully to not appear as if he’d just been ordered around in front of their guests. He shrugged, swatted playfully at the woman he was supposedly married to, then disappeared down the corridor.
‘Sorry about him,’ the captain said. He took a place at the head of the table, leaning forwards on the chair to take in his three guests. ‘Inquisitive mind, he has. Can be dangerous in a job like ours.’
‘And just what sort of job would that be?’ the Doctor asked.
The captain straightened up. ‘How’s about I don’t ask where your friend learned to speak with a Scottish accent, and you don’t go asking me about my business?’
‘I . . . I think that’s fair,’ the Doctor conceded.
‘About Jamie’s kilt,’ Victoria said, piping up for the first time.
Her words brought the captain’s eyes to her again and he smiled as he took her in. ‘Reckon I ain’t seen your type around here before,’ he noted. ‘Being you’re clearly not what you seem. Strange crew you got, Doctor.’
‘I could say the same for you, Captain Reynolds,’ he smoothly replied.
‘How’s about I put on some tea?’ Kaylee suggested, bubbly and bright as before. ‘Y’alls like tea, don’t ya?’
‘Oh, yes,’ the Doctor said, rubbing his hands together. ‘Some tea would be splendid.’
‘Don’t you go giving all my tea away now, Kaylee! I earned that tea! It’s my tea!’ the captain protested hotly. ‘Be givin’ away our cargo next, will you!’
Kaylee looked shamefaced, almost as if she were close to tears at being scolded. ‘It’s just a little tea, Cap’n. There’s only three of ‘em.’
‘You know who has great tea?’ Wash said loudly, poking his head back in from the cockpit, directing attention to him and off Kaylee. ‘Inara. Yes, Inara has lovely tea. And she is also fond of sharing, unlike some captains I know.’ He gave a pointed glare at Mal as he got to his feet. ‘Why don’t we go ask Inara if we can borrow some of her tea?’
‘We don’t have to have tea,’ the Doctor quickly said. ‘If it’s too much trouble.’
‘It’s no trouble at all,’ Wash said, all smiles. ‘We’ll be right back.’ And so saying, he took Kaylee by the arm and the two disappeared down one of the corridors, leaving the Doctor and his friends alone with the captain and his stoic first officer.
An awkward silence descended upon the galley and no one spoke to break it. It was fortunate, then, that Wash and Kaylee returned a short time later, this time with a tall dark haired woman in flowing red robes. Her eyes swept over the Doctor and his companions before flashing her gaze up, to catch the captain.
‘I wasn’t told we were having company, Mal,’ the woman said. ‘Somehow, I thought even you would provide better accommodations for them than this.’
‘Ain’t my guests,’ Mal replied coolly. ‘They got business with Jayne. Not my concern.’
‘They’re on your ship, Mal,’ she retorted. ‘That makes them your guests.’
The scowl that settled on the captain’s face was pronounced. ‘Ain’t you got some whoring to be doin’ ‘bout now?’
The captain’s words were so sharp and unexpected that all three new arrivals snapped their heads up to look at him in shock.
Jamie pushed off the wall in disbelief. ‘Ye cannae go about insulting a lady like that!’ he insisted.
The captain’s eyebrows rose as he took Jamie in. ‘A lady? What, Inara?’
‘Oh, this boat sure is a barrel of laughs!’ Wash announced loudly. ‘So, about that tea!’
‘I’m talking here, Wash,’ Mal snapped, not taking his eyes off Jamie. Wash quietly sank down in a chair beside Zoe again, tail between his legs. ‘So, boy, you want to defend the “lady’s” honour, do you?’
Jamie glanced to the Doctor for guidance, but the little man revealed nothing. ‘Aye,’ Jamie said, lifting his chin. ‘It’s the right thing tae do.’
‘Enough, Mal,’ Inara said, her tone firm and icy.
‘You don’t go ordering me about on my own boat,’ he returned hotly. ‘You don’t ever do that, Inara.’
The woman had been opening a drawer, to retrieve a small tin of tea, but she lifted her eyes and fixed them on the captain across the room. ‘Kaylee,’ she said. ‘You’re welcome to serve our guests as much of my tea as they’d like,’ she said. ‘I’ve just realized I’ve somewhere more pleasant to be.’
‘Some ambassador’s bed, I’ll bet!’ Mal shouted at her form as she retreated down the hall. Inara did not deign to give him a reply.
Jamie waited until the woman had gone completely before addressing the captain. His tone was fierce. ‘What did ye go and do that for?’
‘Jamie,’ the Doctor mildly said, getting to his feet to stand beside his friend. ‘Do remember that different world’s have different customs than . . . than our own.’
‘Och,’ Jamie spat, glaring at Mal. ‘I dinnae need my kilt so badly, Doctor, tae be dealing with this sort of filth,’ he said. ‘Let’s just go.’
Victoria rose to stand beside them. ‘I think Jamie’s right.’
‘She’s a gorram companion!’ Mal protested, suddenly looking worried that his guests were so genuinely offended at his outburst. ‘I’m only telling it as it is.’
‘Sir,’ Zoe said. ‘May be best to just drop it.’
‘Fine,’ he said. ‘You want to go, go. Didn’t ask you on board in the first place.’
Kaylee looked forlornly up from the kettle she’d set to boil. ‘Y’all don’t even want to wait for your tea? It’ll only be just a bit longer . . .’
‘No, I do think we had better go,’ the Doctor said dismissively. ‘Now that I know what type of people we’re dealing with.’
As one the three time travellers turned to depart. They made it as far as the aft galley door before the sound of boots pounding up the metal stairwell made them halt.
Within seconds a huge, ape-like man was blocking their path.
‘That’s him, Doctor!’ Jamie suddenly cried, clutching at the little man’s shoulder as he pointed. ‘That’s Jayne Cobb, the man who took my kilt!’
‘Oh my word!’ the Doctor cried, putting his arm around Victoria, drawing her back protectively.
‘He’s hideous!’ the girl cried.
‘The hell’s going on here?’ Jayne demanded. He easily looked over the heads of the three in his path, focusing on his captain, who was still standing in front of the long table in the galley, near his first officer and Wash.
The Doctor tried valiantly to push his companions behind him. ‘You, sir, have taken something from my friend!’
Jayne glared down at the Doctor. His eyes drifted over to Jamie. ‘You mean this one?’ he said, thumbing at Jamie. ‘Lost that thing fair and square in a game of pool, old man.’ Then he addressed Jamie. ‘You don’t like the rules, don’t play the game.’ He then bodily shoved his way past all three, rubbing rather unnecessarily up against Victoria as he did.
‘Hey, stop, you!’ Jamie cried. The boy had pulled his dirk out from his boot and was now brandishing it at the departing man’s back.
‘Jamie!’ the Doctor admonished.
‘Now, suggest you don’t go pullin’ knives on my boat,’ Mal said flatly. ‘Might think you’re threatenin’ members of my crew, you do.’
‘Och, so it’s all right for you to, but no me?’
‘They are my crew,’ Mal replied heatedly. ‘Jayne?’
Jayne was already starting to lumber through the fore corridor, heading towards the crew quarters. ‘Aw, hell Mal, what is it? I got a killer headache and don’t have time to be messin’ with angry kids upset jus’ ‘cause I whipped their ass at pool.’
‘May that it be,’ Mal said. ‘Still, they did come all this way. Figure you ain’t got much use for a kilt, do you? The good Doc here has even offered cashy monies for it’s return.’
‘Money?’ Jayne said, turning around. He fixed the Doctor with an intense stare. ‘How much we talkin’ ‘bout?’
Whatever bravado the Doctor had mustered seemed to wilt under the thuggish glare of Jayne. His hands, which were suspended near his collar lapels, drew together as he worried them. ‘Oh, dear me,’ he began, stepping back to put some distance between himself and the brute. He nearly tripped over Jamie in the act, and might have tumbled to the floor in a clownish heap if the boy hadn’t caught him and kept him on his feet.
‘Thank you, Jamie,’ he said quickly before dusting himself off and standing upright. ‘Well, young man, it just so happens that I have some credits left over from dinner tonight.’ He fished around in his pockets, pulling out bits of twine, paperclips and a bright orange yoyo. ‘Aha!’ He held out a thin black credit marker.
Jayne snatched it, looked at it, sniffed it and then bit it in half. ‘Hell, that’s chocolate.’
‘Oh dear,’ the Doctor lamented, his childlike smile melting into one of abstract displeasure. ‘That’s not right!’
‘You tryin’ t’ have one over on me, little man?’ Jayne asked, somehow managing to draw his height up even more. He practically loomed over the three travellers.
‘Why don’t you just let Jamie have it back!’ Victoria suddenly cried. ‘It doesn’t belong to you and he needs it! You don’t have to be such a mean brute!’
Jayne’s eyes flickered to Victoria and he tilted his head. ‘I won, he lost. What part of that don’t you get?’
‘I understand perfectly well what you two were doing,’ she continued. ‘It doesn’t excuse the fact that the kilt is of no use to you! You couldn’t possibly wear it. Out of the goodness of your heart, you could return it!’
‘ “Goodness of my heart”?’ Jayne barked a laugh. ‘Hell, Mal. I like her. Can we keep her?’ He flashed a leering smile at Victoria. ‘You know how t’ cook, little lady? ‘Cause we sure could use a new cook. Had to gullet the last. Yeah. Couple of meals and some tasty desserts ought t’ pay off that debt real fast.’
Mal sidled up beside Jayne. ‘You got a use for the boy’s kilt, Jayne?’ he asked.
The man shrugged. ‘Figured I could find a use for it. Put my guns on it when I’m cleaning ‘em. Keep from scratching the tabletop; know you’d like that.’
Jamie’s eyes bulged out of his head at Jayne’s words and only the Doctor’s hand restraining his arm kept the Scot from lashing out. ‘You’ll do no such thing!’ Jamie cried. He looked imploringly at the Doctor. ‘Ye dinnae have any money left, Doctor?’
‘I’m afraid not, Jamie.’
Victoria stepped forward, putting herself between the Doctor and Jamie and Mal and Jayne. ‘You’re a cargo ship, aren’t you?’ she pointedly asked.
‘Sure am,’ Mal said. ‘What’s it to you?’
‘If you’re willing to carry our cargo - a wardrobe-sized blue box - I can pay you for Jamie’s kilt.’ She lifted her chin. ‘I can do kitchen work. Cook and clean, like Jayne said.’
‘Victoria! No!’ Jamie protested.
‘Noble of you,’ Mal said. ‘But stupid. You stay on my boat while we do our cargo drops then I got to feed you, bathe you, water you. All that comes from my supplies. Ain’t no way your cookin’ is gonna make up for an extra three hungry mouths to feed and the boy’s kilt as well.’
‘We’ll have our own supplies,’ Victoria explained. ‘Our box is very resourceful.’
‘Must be some box,’ the captain said. He looked over to the Doctor, considering. ‘What sort of game you three playing?’
‘It’s not a game,’ the Doctor replied. ‘Victoria’s just trying to be helpful. And she is right, you know. It’s not a very large box, but we three can all fit inside. You wouldn’t even have to provide us accommodations.’
‘All three inside, and you got your own food supplies?’ Mal shook his head. ‘That just ain’t right.’
‘Hell, Mal. Wouldn’t mind having the girl on the boat a while longer,’ Jayne said. ‘Sure is nice to look at.’ He grinned lecherously at her.
Mal rolled his eyes. ‘Zoe?’
‘Think we better see this wonder box before we make any rash decisions, sir.’
‘Agreed.’ Mal focused on Doctor. ‘Fine. We see your box, make sure you’re telling the truth ‘bout all that. But you mess up just once and I’m dropping you and yours off on the nearest moon, kilt or no kilt.’
‘Yes, sir,’ the Doctor cheerfully said, beaming broadly. ‘Although we would appreciate if you loaned us back the kilt, in the meantime. Until the debt is paid off, of course.’
‘Jayne?’
Jayne scowled, but nodded. ‘All right. It’s down in the pawnshop. I’ll get it while you fetch your fancy box.’
‘Pawnshop!’ Jamie cried, about to launch himself at Jayne again. ‘He’s already gone and sold it! Why ye damn Sassenach!’
The Doctor struggled to restrain him. ‘It’s all right, Jamie! I’m sure it hasn’t been purchased yet!’
‘But we could’ve just gone and bought it direct!’ he hissed, pulling out of the Doctor’s grasp angrily. ‘Now we’ll be stuck on this filthy boat until he decides we’ve served him enough.’ He crossed his arms angrily as Jayne stalked away hurriedly, heading down the stairwell again.
‘I’m sorry, Jamie,’ Victoria said. ‘I didn’t know.
‘Och, it’s no your fault, Victoria.’
‘Now, now. Don’t fret, you two! This will be fun,’ the Doctor boisterously said. ‘Victoria is a very fine cook, I’m sure. And I must profess I’m rather looking forward to space flight by Firefly.’
‘ “Firefly”? What’s that?’ Jamie asked.
‘That’s this type of vessel,’ the Doctor said, patting one of the curved walls. ‘Rather out of date for this time period, but I do rather have a fondness for slightly out of date ships. They’ve got such character.’
‘Och, I just hope she’s no as temperamental as the TARDIS.’
‘But Jamie!’ the Doctor cried. ‘That’s what makes it so fun!’
Jamie eyed him dubiously. ‘If you say so.’
‘Ya’ll just gonna stand there chatting?’ Mal finally asked. ‘Or you going to go get this box of yours?’
‘Well,’ the Doctor said. ‘You see, it’s a bit too large for me to move on my own. I was wondering if we couldn’t borrow that mule vehicle you had in your cargo hold, to help load it with.’
Mal closed his eyes and sighed. ‘Why do I get the feeling this is all a really bad idea?’ He turned to look over his shoulder. Wash and Zoe had retreated down the hall, to settle together in the cockpit. ‘Wash!’ He shouted loud enough that his voice would carry. ‘Got a job for you!’
When Wash reappeared, he sent the pilot off with the Doctor, Jamie and Victoria, to load up the TARDIS and bring it back to the ship. It took another two hours, and the sun was setting by the time things were secured. But Victoria cooked a marvellous dinner that evening, Jamie got his kilt back, and the Doctor regaled everyone with a thrilling tale about gunfighters in the old west and how everything had nearly come apart due to a little toothache on his part.
And that was just the beginning of how the Doctor and his friends began travelling with the crew of Serenity.