sad sad day
i never update LJ.. but i must now..
i fucking miss ryan... im still really numb. all day yesterday i tried to capture an emotion and i couldnt. we all went to brian's and drank and celebrated his life.. i drank over half of a liter of jack and it finally hit me. when i saw miller and hugged him, i lost it. thank god megan was there and she helped me alot. i was very worried about Hanan last night. last night shouldnt have happened. I was suppose to hang out w/ him and joy at the rech room one night, but i never went.. i was suppose to buy joy a nick cave book at borders w my discount and she was with ryan and i avoided him. that was during his bad stage.. ryan was never mean to me once.. but yet i chose to ignore him.
he left me voicemails,,, some saying that i should go to the karaoke party with him at the insane asylum.. i can hear those words in my mind.. im a fucking wreck. i dont know what to do.. i dont know what to say to joy when i see her.
i just dont know.. please help me... please...
ryan, i fucking love you man. the last time i saw you was at the Grotto and we had a decent conversation. you were shaking so much that it tore me up inside.. i just dont know man..
i want to put some lines from songs to remember him by, but im not sure if i should since it may offend someone.. typing all this is really helping me.. here are a few.. if you're offended im sorry.. this will be a way to help me cope with shit...
"its better to burn out than to fade away". Ihey hey my my)
"i caught you knocking at my cellar door,
i love you baby can i have some more,
gone, gone, the damage done." (needle+the damage done)
im so fucking confused..
i fucking miss ryan... im still really numb. all day yesterday i tried to capture an emotion and i couldnt. we all went to brian's and drank and celebrated his life.. i drank over half of a liter of jack and it finally hit me. when i saw miller and hugged him, i lost it. thank god megan was there and she helped me alot. i was very worried about Hanan last night. last night shouldnt have happened. I was suppose to hang out w/ him and joy at the rech room one night, but i never went.. i was suppose to buy joy a nick cave book at borders w my discount and she was with ryan and i avoided him. that was during his bad stage.. ryan was never mean to me once.. but yet i chose to ignore him.
he left me voicemails,,, some saying that i should go to the karaoke party with him at the insane asylum.. i can hear those words in my mind.. im a fucking wreck. i dont know what to do.. i dont know what to say to joy when i see her.
i just dont know.. please help me... please...
ryan, i fucking love you man. the last time i saw you was at the Grotto and we had a decent conversation. you were shaking so much that it tore me up inside.. i just dont know man..
i want to put some lines from songs to remember him by, but im not sure if i should since it may offend someone.. typing all this is really helping me.. here are a few.. if you're offended im sorry.. this will be a way to help me cope with shit...
"its better to burn out than to fade away". Ihey hey my my)
"i caught you knocking at my cellar door,
i love you baby can i have some more,
gone, gone, the damage done." (needle+the damage done)
im so fucking confused..