Two years ago
Well I just returned from semi-casual. Despite the awesome job Heather did organizing it and despite how awesome everyone was, and despite how spectacular the music was (as always), I still left feeling utterly depressed, just wanting to bawl my eyes out.
Semi-casual 2003 . . . the first time I ever attended a Music social event . . . my first ever date . . . my first taste of alcohol . . . my first kiss. That kiss remains the happiest moment of my life, even though it was with him. That night changed my life. I opened up considerably. I actually was fine with being gay and being on a date and being seen with another boy in that way. It wasn't all good though. We all know how things turned out for me with Patrick, and I ended things with my long distance boyfriend, which is probably the biggest mistake I've ever made in my life.
Semi-casual 2005 . . . for the first time, I attended semi-casual on my own. I didn't feel like dancing at all. I wasn't even drinking because I was a sober monitor and drove there. How different things are when you're on your own. Funny how when even surrounded by tremendous friends, it still feels lonely knowing you don't have that someone to move on the dance floor with, or to cuddle up in their arms every once in a while, or to rest your head on their shoulder when you just need a break. I'm not saying that I want Patrick back or anything like that (H E L L N O). I just wish I could've been with someone. I thought of my new love, but I know that's unattainable and that's something I have to deal with. Then my thoughts went back to him . . .
Accent Aigu. I've long sing abandoned my strong romantic feelings towards him and replaced them with feelings of "he's the hottest boy ever". I thought about him all night and how gorgeous he was, and how terribly in denial he is. I thought about his girlfriend and how happy she looked. I thought "Well I like her, but she technically is the enemy here." I watched them all night long. I wanted to stop because it was hurting me so much to see them together. I turned away countless times, only to turn back to stare at them. I guess I'm a bit masochistic that way. He should be dancing with me. No, that's silly. Just silly. But I have to keep watching . . .
Tim Cheung got to lay one on Jonathan Tan tonight. He also got to kiss Aigu. Patrick kissed Aigu last year; that bugged me. Patrick and I always had our extra-relationship crushes. Mine was Aigu, his was Jesse Cooney. Yet Patrick would always flirt with Aigu, and of course Aigu likes attention so he let Patrick go ahead. Jon Tan has also kissed him. It seems as if all my gay friends have had their fill, and yet I, the one who (and I'm pretty confident in saying this) has been the keenest, most diligent, most obsessed of all the Aigu-lovers, and I'm the one he talks to the most and flirts with the most, yet I'm the only one who hasn't even gotten to experience one brief moment of fake affection in that regard.
I'm pathetic. A fake, meaningless kiss would make a world of difference to me right now. I've been obsessed with an individual for a year and a half now and I can't get him out of my head. I'm over another guy who I got very into over the spring and summer months but who shot me down in a cruel way after building things up so strongly. I get my kicks from making dirty comments to the only other guy I've done stuff with, but who is in a happy relationship with a girl right now (go figure -_-). The boy I really love right now just can't love me as much as I love him.
Pathetic. Truly, truly pathetic.
I'm really tired of being lonely. I'm really tired of crying myself to sleep. I'm sick of having only my pillow to cuddle up with at night. I'm sick of seeing so many happy couples and dreaming that I could find something like that. Someday my prince will come? I think I'll die first.
P.S.: Alix . . . I wasn't *totally* honest with you earlier. I'll talk to you about that another time though.
Semi-casual 2003 . . . the first time I ever attended a Music social event . . . my first ever date . . . my first taste of alcohol . . . my first kiss. That kiss remains the happiest moment of my life, even though it was with him. That night changed my life. I opened up considerably. I actually was fine with being gay and being on a date and being seen with another boy in that way. It wasn't all good though. We all know how things turned out for me with Patrick, and I ended things with my long distance boyfriend, which is probably the biggest mistake I've ever made in my life.
Semi-casual 2005 . . . for the first time, I attended semi-casual on my own. I didn't feel like dancing at all. I wasn't even drinking because I was a sober monitor and drove there. How different things are when you're on your own. Funny how when even surrounded by tremendous friends, it still feels lonely knowing you don't have that someone to move on the dance floor with, or to cuddle up in their arms every once in a while, or to rest your head on their shoulder when you just need a break. I'm not saying that I want Patrick back or anything like that (H E L L N O). I just wish I could've been with someone. I thought of my new love, but I know that's unattainable and that's something I have to deal with. Then my thoughts went back to him . . .
Accent Aigu. I've long sing abandoned my strong romantic feelings towards him and replaced them with feelings of "he's the hottest boy ever". I thought about him all night and how gorgeous he was, and how terribly in denial he is. I thought about his girlfriend and how happy she looked. I thought "Well I like her, but she technically is the enemy here." I watched them all night long. I wanted to stop because it was hurting me so much to see them together. I turned away countless times, only to turn back to stare at them. I guess I'm a bit masochistic that way. He should be dancing with me. No, that's silly. Just silly. But I have to keep watching . . .
Tim Cheung got to lay one on Jonathan Tan tonight. He also got to kiss Aigu. Patrick kissed Aigu last year; that bugged me. Patrick and I always had our extra-relationship crushes. Mine was Aigu, his was Jesse Cooney. Yet Patrick would always flirt with Aigu, and of course Aigu likes attention so he let Patrick go ahead. Jon Tan has also kissed him. It seems as if all my gay friends have had their fill, and yet I, the one who (and I'm pretty confident in saying this) has been the keenest, most diligent, most obsessed of all the Aigu-lovers, and I'm the one he talks to the most and flirts with the most, yet I'm the only one who hasn't even gotten to experience one brief moment of fake affection in that regard.
I'm pathetic. A fake, meaningless kiss would make a world of difference to me right now. I've been obsessed with an individual for a year and a half now and I can't get him out of my head. I'm over another guy who I got very into over the spring and summer months but who shot me down in a cruel way after building things up so strongly. I get my kicks from making dirty comments to the only other guy I've done stuff with, but who is in a happy relationship with a girl right now (go figure -_-). The boy I really love right now just can't love me as much as I love him.
Pathetic. Truly, truly pathetic.
I'm really tired of being lonely. I'm really tired of crying myself to sleep. I'm sick of having only my pillow to cuddle up with at night. I'm sick of seeing so many happy couples and dreaming that I could find something like that. Someday my prince will come? I think I'll die first.
P.S.: Alix . . . I wasn't *totally* honest with you earlier. I'll talk to you about that another time though.