And big girls don't cry...
its my b-day. im gettin old :{
this weekend has been good and bad.
in 9th grade i fell in love. this was my first love and no one has been able to match the love i had for him. his name was brenden. I dont usually talk about him because i was so sad when he had to move. He moved without telling me, maybe he thought it would be better that way but i was lost in the dark. I waited a year for him to come back, talking to him on the phone maybe once a month. I didn't date anyone. i would have sex with guys maybe to try to erase him from my memory. Not many people know about him unless they knew him when he was here for that blessfull year. I still cry when i talk about him. a year later in 10th grade i told him my birthday was on the 27th he said he would be there to meet him at the sonic by the highschool. I sat there with my two friends krystal and caroline for 3 fucking hours thinking he might have gotten lost and still.. after i ended up leaving sonic i thought.. maybe he had came maybe he was there waiting for me that it was a mistake to have left. I think if i was waiting alone, i would have slept there.
4 years later he calls, yesterday .. we talk for hours catching up on everything. he had two kids now that just recently got taken away from him for reasons i will not say publicly. he's been living outside his grandparents house in his truck because they dont have room for him. somewhere in the conversation i explained to him where my appartment is. we got off the phone because zach got home and was talking to much to focus on both of them anymore.
zach went over to his dads we ended up fighting i told him that i was mad because i just wanted to spend the weekend with him because of my birthday being the next day (remember this was all yesterday) i wanted him to stay up with me till 3 in the morning because thats the time i was born. basicly we got in a big fight about it and i desided i was just not going to talk to him at all for a while. i did good. to keep myself occupied i went over to my best friend rays house. he had a hang over and was chilling watching teenage mutant ninja turtles. I figured i would just pass out in his chair because there wasnt much to do other than drink some vodka.
At around 8:30ish and it was brenden called. asked me if i was home and i said no and asked what he needed not having a fucking clue. he said well i think im in your appartment complexe but im not sure so im going to drive to walgreens meet me there im in a maroon ford truck. without telling ray and caleb i grabbed my dogs and i was gone. rya ofcourse called to make sure i was ok and i just siad yes i was fine... i wasnt sure if this was real... but then .. i got there.. and i saw him i saw his eyes i saw his hands his face his smile... and it was him.. it was real.. he was there and i couldn't beleive it.
we went to go get zach because if we didnt .. guilt would build up in me. we went back and zach got drunk and we talked... boring really. Brenden tried to leave but i went out side.. we talked out there leaving zach inside for about 30 min. he checked on us twice but we stood there innocently not saying a word.
we talked about us.. how we could still be together. how zach wasnt right for me and Brenden knew it. about our new looks... about how skinny we both have gotten off of dope. how his friend had died about how is 3 year old son asked him if he was with any other girls other than "mom" and brenden said " yes i was with the most wonderful woman." he said he son asked to meet me. we talked about how his hosue burnt down.
this is when i realized... i cant do this again i cant lose him again i wanted him to stay i wanted to make zach leave right then i wanted him to be gone to dissapear and have brenden take his place... me and brenden dont fight me and brenden just are.... we are happy.. and i believe what we had was real and that compaired to the love i have and had for brenden the love i have for Zach is just a pinch. I still caught myself finishing brendens sentences still predicted waht he was going to do. knew what he was thinking. had conversations with each other right infront of zach without even opening our mouths. we know each other even after 4 years.... damn.
This morning he left.. this morning i wanted to die and i wanted to push zach away and im not sure if this was my last time seeing him i have no way to get ahold of him to find out if he got home ok. to know if he was mad at me for not leaving with him like he wanted me to.
I hate this feeling i know what i want but i have to hurt someone to get to it. and even if i do that.. i still have to wait again for brenden and i have no idea if he will be here like he says he will or if something will be fucked up.
this weekend has been good and bad.
in 9th grade i fell in love. this was my first love and no one has been able to match the love i had for him. his name was brenden. I dont usually talk about him because i was so sad when he had to move. He moved without telling me, maybe he thought it would be better that way but i was lost in the dark. I waited a year for him to come back, talking to him on the phone maybe once a month. I didn't date anyone. i would have sex with guys maybe to try to erase him from my memory. Not many people know about him unless they knew him when he was here for that blessfull year. I still cry when i talk about him. a year later in 10th grade i told him my birthday was on the 27th he said he would be there to meet him at the sonic by the highschool. I sat there with my two friends krystal and caroline for 3 fucking hours thinking he might have gotten lost and still.. after i ended up leaving sonic i thought.. maybe he had came maybe he was there waiting for me that it was a mistake to have left. I think if i was waiting alone, i would have slept there.
4 years later he calls, yesterday .. we talk for hours catching up on everything. he had two kids now that just recently got taken away from him for reasons i will not say publicly. he's been living outside his grandparents house in his truck because they dont have room for him. somewhere in the conversation i explained to him where my appartment is. we got off the phone because zach got home and was talking to much to focus on both of them anymore.
zach went over to his dads we ended up fighting i told him that i was mad because i just wanted to spend the weekend with him because of my birthday being the next day (remember this was all yesterday) i wanted him to stay up with me till 3 in the morning because thats the time i was born. basicly we got in a big fight about it and i desided i was just not going to talk to him at all for a while. i did good. to keep myself occupied i went over to my best friend rays house. he had a hang over and was chilling watching teenage mutant ninja turtles. I figured i would just pass out in his chair because there wasnt much to do other than drink some vodka.
At around 8:30ish and it was brenden called. asked me if i was home and i said no and asked what he needed not having a fucking clue. he said well i think im in your appartment complexe but im not sure so im going to drive to walgreens meet me there im in a maroon ford truck. without telling ray and caleb i grabbed my dogs and i was gone. rya ofcourse called to make sure i was ok and i just siad yes i was fine... i wasnt sure if this was real... but then .. i got there.. and i saw him i saw his eyes i saw his hands his face his smile... and it was him.. it was real.. he was there and i couldn't beleive it.
we went to go get zach because if we didnt .. guilt would build up in me. we went back and zach got drunk and we talked... boring really. Brenden tried to leave but i went out side.. we talked out there leaving zach inside for about 30 min. he checked on us twice but we stood there innocently not saying a word.
we talked about us.. how we could still be together. how zach wasnt right for me and Brenden knew it. about our new looks... about how skinny we both have gotten off of dope. how his friend had died about how is 3 year old son asked him if he was with any other girls other than "mom" and brenden said " yes i was with the most wonderful woman." he said he son asked to meet me. we talked about how his hosue burnt down.
this is when i realized... i cant do this again i cant lose him again i wanted him to stay i wanted to make zach leave right then i wanted him to be gone to dissapear and have brenden take his place... me and brenden dont fight me and brenden just are.... we are happy.. and i believe what we had was real and that compaired to the love i have and had for brenden the love i have for Zach is just a pinch. I still caught myself finishing brendens sentences still predicted waht he was going to do. knew what he was thinking. had conversations with each other right infront of zach without even opening our mouths. we know each other even after 4 years.... damn.
This morning he left.. this morning i wanted to die and i wanted to push zach away and im not sure if this was my last time seeing him i have no way to get ahold of him to find out if he got home ok. to know if he was mad at me for not leaving with him like he wanted me to.
I hate this feeling i know what i want but i have to hurt someone to get to it. and even if i do that.. i still have to wait again for brenden and i have no idea if he will be here like he says he will or if something will be fucked up.