Shit.
Some stuff has happened that I'm not happy about. I kinda fucked up. Lately I've had a lot of anger in me from time to time. I've gotten stuff stuck in my head about Alyssa. I look at her sometimes and feel so much anger. Almost hate at the time. And I picture myself hitting her and watching her cry. It just gets stuck in my head and drives me crazy. I told her this and then reassured her that I would never do that to her. That I could never hurt her. Then yesterday I got drunk. She called off work again (well, I did it for her). I thought we were screwed because I thought she was going to get fired. I got really mad and started hitting her. I would hit her, she would hit me back. She almost fell and got scared. She was hit by a former boyfriend a lot and I never wanted her to go through that again. I didn't hurt her, but she was surprised and scared and started thinking about the past. So now I feel so bad and I still get angry and think bad things about her. I'm afraid I'll do it again if I don't make some sort of change. I may go back on my meds if this continues. I really don't want to hurt her but the fear is there and it won't go away. But I'm going to get off of here now because I kinda don't want to think right now. I'll update again when I can.