Off season...
So it seems according to Naomi and I that this seems to be the "blah" season so to speak. Alot of people lately are all down, sad, depressed, and/or just blah. Mine tends to go year round so I don't count...but it comes in waves. I am just in such a shitty mood right now..It resurfaced in the past week or so. Realization of life and things that suck ass in mine. I have a new crush..oh yay for me right? No. Because nothing will come of it. You may ask why I think this...I don't think. I know. Because as unfortunate as it seems I have no luck and a lovely little dark cloud that likes to follow me like it did for Eeyore. A pitiful donkey. At least Eeyore is cute...has that goin for him! haha But yeah...most of it is realization that all the people I have had an interest in flee for their lives as soon as they find out I like them. It's like finding out that I'm a virus or something and they have a need to run away as quickly as possible. I hate how shallow society is...I wouldn't be soo damn self-concious if it weren't for seeing what the "acceptable" forms of girls are nowadays. It seems that I have mainly been around shallow people pretty much...so its all i go by. I'm personally not shallow in any manner, so it sucks coming off like it. I hate how I look since it seems to be so damn bad that I can't ever get anyone I want/like/have an interest in. Go fucking figure. Bottom Line: I suck, and I don't like me. I'm soo tired of being this way too! It gets me into more trouble and issues than I need. Confidence is a good quality, but unfortunately I can't seem to find or gain any to use in this lifetime. I know it horrible to say these things, and the start is to liking myself, but how can you like yourself when you have nothing happen to help you think in a positive manner!? It's a viable question that no one can seem to answer. And by all means DO NOT take this as I am saying my life is sooo horrible, and no one is worse off than me, etc. Because that is such bullshit! I am happy for all that I DO actually have (family, the friends who care, my health, etc.) but I am just looking for my break in "social" life. My sister finally got hers when she met all of her awesome friends and started dating Dan. And I'm glad that the break came for her. Plus it's hard enough to deal with one person thinking like me, let alone two. But yeah, I have been all down again (surprise surprise) due to these recent events. Let alone having a bad "omen-like" dream, in which my crush thought I was annoying. Dude it kills me since I have had some people tell me before that I was/got annoying. I was never explained how so I dont know. But this major fear of rejection is kicking into overdrive because I'm tired of rejection. But it seems that it's one of the components that is constant in my life. So now I am terrified of even speaking anymore...and my dreams dont help. This dream seemed so real and it hurt. But the situation and the "real-ness" of this dream worries me, therefore causing me to think of it as a bad omen. Ugh! One question I always have lingering is: Why am I not good enough and what is wrong with me? But ANYWAYS...enough of that. Like I said before this is not meant to sound like my life is soo horrible, because its not and I know it! SO please if you do read this and feel like making a comment of that sort...save yourself the trouble. Because it's bullshit. Just take that shitty comment and leave it somewhere else. I think I have vented enough about that for now. Who knows I might still feel shitty tomorrow as well...so I might have to vent again. This journal is definitely good for a temporary relief, granted the relief doesn't last that long.
On a lighter note...work is awesome! Like I have said before it makes me sad that I don't really get to see anyone that works elsewhere in the park...so yeah...have ALOT of stuff to get done in the next week. By the way if anyone reads this and cares..please comment what you think.
P.S. Does anyone feel like taking me to the Dalí Museum sometime this week? I have a paper due next wednesday. That on top of a concert project due next friday, and a 6-8 term paper due on Nov. 2nd that I havent done ANYTHING for. I am sooo royally fucked. But anyways...yeah. Im out. Ciao!
On a lighter note...work is awesome! Like I have said before it makes me sad that I don't really get to see anyone that works elsewhere in the park...so yeah...have ALOT of stuff to get done in the next week. By the way if anyone reads this and cares..please comment what you think.
P.S. Does anyone feel like taking me to the Dalí Museum sometime this week? I have a paper due next wednesday. That on top of a concert project due next friday, and a 6-8 term paper due on Nov. 2nd that I havent done ANYTHING for. I am sooo royally fucked. But anyways...yeah. Im out. Ciao!