Needs...
You know, I've come to a conclusion.
No matter what I do, I'll never be happy.
It's fucking stupid. I can't form a lasting relationship with anyone, and keep it lasting if I see them on a regular basis. I always have to fuck it up somehow, or they dissapear, or I dissapear, something always goes wrong.
Then I start clawing at myself. From the inside out. Little scratches at first, then deeper, gouging, ripping, tearing, biting. Suddenly I'm bleeding and I am suprised by it, but I always knew it was there. Now the other person needs me to be a part of their life and for some reason or another, filling the need they have for me, becomes a chore, a duty, an angry little bruise on my day. I just want to go home and be alone. I tough it out though because I feel bad. The whole situation was partly my fault and I don't like doing that to people. In the end though I hold on as long as I can, but I have to let go. I'm worn down, I'm tired, I'm beaten. Then it's "Well why don't you talk to me anymore, why don't you ever come around." I don't have the energy, or the fortitude to stem a reply. Instead they get more silence and things get worse.
Why do I do this to myself? To others? I don't know. What do I even want out of life anymore? It used to be so clear... I wanted my few friends, my family, a family of my own, a woman to love and cherrish. I've wanted it for so long it's become a mantra. Now do I even want it? Can I even have it? Solitude has become more comfortable to me than emotional expression with other people. I just want to shut it off, shut down, and be alone. But I can't do that now can I? I already opened this door, now it can't be closed without cutting off the limb.
All the people who I've been close to are so needy, minus a very small few. Constant attention, constant reassurance, constant comforting, constant support. But I can't do it anymore. I'm not who I was. I'm not that endless well of compassion. Why? because I can't let it go. I can't release this tension, I can't release this rage, I can't give up the ghost and just be me again. So many will claim they are there for me and for me to just let it out. Those of you who -really- know me it's not going to work like that. I've never been able to just let anything go without tremendous effort. Now everything is so built up inside me it's like a 32 car pile up on a foggy stretch of interstate.
I have a few idea's that might help, but I can't even begin to start those. Too much guild, too much sorrow, too much fear for what it will do to others, what it will mean, who it will hurt in the process.
Some days, I just wish everyone would forget my name, you'd all be better off.
No matter what I do, I'll never be happy.
It's fucking stupid. I can't form a lasting relationship with anyone, and keep it lasting if I see them on a regular basis. I always have to fuck it up somehow, or they dissapear, or I dissapear, something always goes wrong.
Then I start clawing at myself. From the inside out. Little scratches at first, then deeper, gouging, ripping, tearing, biting. Suddenly I'm bleeding and I am suprised by it, but I always knew it was there. Now the other person needs me to be a part of their life and for some reason or another, filling the need they have for me, becomes a chore, a duty, an angry little bruise on my day. I just want to go home and be alone. I tough it out though because I feel bad. The whole situation was partly my fault and I don't like doing that to people. In the end though I hold on as long as I can, but I have to let go. I'm worn down, I'm tired, I'm beaten. Then it's "Well why don't you talk to me anymore, why don't you ever come around." I don't have the energy, or the fortitude to stem a reply. Instead they get more silence and things get worse.
Why do I do this to myself? To others? I don't know. What do I even want out of life anymore? It used to be so clear... I wanted my few friends, my family, a family of my own, a woman to love and cherrish. I've wanted it for so long it's become a mantra. Now do I even want it? Can I even have it? Solitude has become more comfortable to me than emotional expression with other people. I just want to shut it off, shut down, and be alone. But I can't do that now can I? I already opened this door, now it can't be closed without cutting off the limb.
All the people who I've been close to are so needy, minus a very small few. Constant attention, constant reassurance, constant comforting, constant support. But I can't do it anymore. I'm not who I was. I'm not that endless well of compassion. Why? because I can't let it go. I can't release this tension, I can't release this rage, I can't give up the ghost and just be me again. So many will claim they are there for me and for me to just let it out. Those of you who -really- know me it's not going to work like that. I've never been able to just let anything go without tremendous effort. Now everything is so built up inside me it's like a 32 car pile up on a foggy stretch of interstate.
I have a few idea's that might help, but I can't even begin to start those. Too much guild, too much sorrow, too much fear for what it will do to others, what it will mean, who it will hurt in the process.
Some days, I just wish everyone would forget my name, you'd all be better off.