All-Nighter
Well, I guess I count all-nighters as being awake for 24 hours. And if I don't make it tonight, I think that pretty much means I fell asleep before I got on the plane, which I'm guessing won't happen (call me an optimist).
Homeward bound. It's 4am, and I leave in 45 minutes. I love mornings, by the way. And staying up all night, alone. Funny that I was having a conversation with Chloe about this just four short hours ago. I guess I didn't stay up alone, as I did end up watching a movie with Ann. However, I am alone now. And I'll be alone on the plane and I guess in the shuttle, as I don't plan on conversing much.
Sometimes I feel like home is a test, to see if I can actually sustain what I feel have been changes in my life. You know? I think a big part of being away from home is that I can try to be separate from the four of us. I can try to pretend and live outside the rules that my family functions within at home. I can blend in, like in a city or something, at school - even among my friends, I mean. Feelings and moods and cycles and little things and all of that shit never really regulates life here the way it does at home. And it's the little things, the way I learned to live in that house. And I feel like I do pretty well at getting out of that habit at school, and I go home only to have it keep happening. And it's so darn frustrating.
But I was not lying when I told Chloe last night that I wouldn't want to have it any other way. I'd rather hear more sounds than less, I guess, and I'd rather hear my sounds than yours. I understand my head
Like the conversation at dinner tonight that only I got upset about, because I felt like the way I see the world was being ridiculed and reduced to "it's different, it's wrong" by a bunch of people who either should have known better or didn't really deserve to.
I don't know where all of this is coming from. I really am in a pleasant mood, but I just feel like writing about this, I guess. Going home always has a lot of weight to it - maybe I'm in a minority thinking that, but I know at least that I'm not alone.
Homeward bound. It's 4am, and I leave in 45 minutes. I love mornings, by the way. And staying up all night, alone. Funny that I was having a conversation with Chloe about this just four short hours ago. I guess I didn't stay up alone, as I did end up watching a movie with Ann. However, I am alone now. And I'll be alone on the plane and I guess in the shuttle, as I don't plan on conversing much.
Sometimes I feel like home is a test, to see if I can actually sustain what I feel have been changes in my life. You know? I think a big part of being away from home is that I can try to be separate from the four of us. I can try to pretend and live outside the rules that my family functions within at home. I can blend in, like in a city or something, at school - even among my friends, I mean. Feelings and moods and cycles and little things and all of that shit never really regulates life here the way it does at home. And it's the little things, the way I learned to live in that house. And I feel like I do pretty well at getting out of that habit at school, and I go home only to have it keep happening. And it's so darn frustrating.
But I was not lying when I told Chloe last night that I wouldn't want to have it any other way. I'd rather hear more sounds than less, I guess, and I'd rather hear my sounds than yours. I understand my head
Like the conversation at dinner tonight that only I got upset about, because I felt like the way I see the world was being ridiculed and reduced to "it's different, it's wrong" by a bunch of people who either should have known better or didn't really deserve to.
I don't know where all of this is coming from. I really am in a pleasant mood, but I just feel like writing about this, I guess. Going home always has a lot of weight to it - maybe I'm in a minority thinking that, but I know at least that I'm not alone.