I Took The Better Path.
I did it.
I finally did it
I wrote instead of hurting myself.
And, I actually feel better.
This isn't a fanfic.
There are no jrockers in it.
Just two characters I actually created to help me express myself
Perhaps I'm on to something.
If not at least I might have found a true outlet.
“Bleed”
It echoed through out the tiny bathroom as if a demand from the walls. I held the scissors tight in my grip, both hands shaking. The cold metal pushed against my skin, causing an indent. I can do this, I coached myself. No, I NEED to do this. The sharp edge of the blade slid down my leg, leaving nothing in its path but a red line, a superficial red line. Fuck. I tossed the scissor back into the bin leaning my head back in complete frustration. I eyed my left arm spreading my fingers apart watching it shake madly. It was scared. The scar on my arm was like a mark that always burned in reminder of my lesson. Now I was forever changed and I hated it.
Knock Knock.
I lifted my head at the sound, my heat leaping. Am I saved?
“What are you doing in there?”
What am I doing? How could I answer that? I had no idea.
Knock Knock.
“Emily”
Hiding the smile on my face, I crawled to the door unlocking it. Finally. Somebody. My hand grabbed the knob and twisted it. Once the door opened I stared out. No One.
“Ah, I see. Did you want someone to come rescue you from yourself, Emily?”
I slowly closed the door, in defeat and disappointment. “Not now Jasper” My hair fell into my face leaving nothing to see of me except my frown. It suited me well so it didn’t bother to move it.
“Were you trying to hurt yourself?”
I sighed my arms crossed, my back leaning against the tub. “There are no lighters. I didn’t have a choice.”
“I see. But you’re having problems, are you not?”
My body became more tensed as I raised my shoulders moving my head away from him. God, I hated when he could see right through me, as if I was truly nothing. He made my worse nightmares of myself reality.
“You pick it up and put it back down. Pick it up and put it back down. If you’re going to do it then just do it.” He was in the corner leaning against the wall. His top hat hung low on his head allowing me to only see his smirk.
Seeing that smirk just made me so mad. He made me so mad. What gave him the right to be here right now at a time like this?
“I can’t ok!? I can’t!” My eyes pierced him from behind my hair, but his smirk didn’t falter. Instead he lifted his head. His eyes were smirking at me too in their honey glow.
“You’re afraid. You know what the consequences are now.” He pointed to my arm and instinctively I turned it over staring down at my scar.
“It’s almost like it’s invisible huh? As if only you can see it?”
I looked up at him, my eyes wide with curiosity. What did he mean by that?
As if he could read my thoughts, he answered. “People still don’t understand what you’re capable of. What’s truly inside your soul. Even though its right there for them to see.”
“To see what?”
In an almost flash he was on the ground in front of me. His eyes peering deeply into mine.
“That you’re not ok.”
My eyes left his and focused on the tile floor.
He forced my gaze back to him gently with his fingers on my chin.
“Scream Emily. Scream as loud as your lungs let you. They still won’t hear you.”
With that he was on his feet again, his back now to me. I stared at nothing for a moment. Just absorbing what it was he said. It’s true that, that’s how I felt. So many dreams I’ve had where I kept screaming and screaming to people and no one ever listened. Ever. I would wake up feeling breathless, exhausted, and just sad. Always empty and alone too. I hated that feeling. The deadly mix.
He let out a long sigh before speaking again “You need to learn.”
“Learn what?”
“Whether they listen or not, it doesn’t matter. Especially if they won’t listen.”
I shook my head in irritation. “Believe me. I’m very aware, but its easier for you to say it then for my to actually participate in it.” I rolled my eyes.
“Stop expecting so much from people” He said so causally as he finally turned back around sliding down to floor against the wall opposite from me. His dark pony tail flipped over his shoulder now. “They are so imperfect their flaws ooze from their pores.”
I shifted a bit in my position not really knowing how to reply to that. “So what am I supposed to do?”
“Stop caring about the selfish, thoughtless, and dream crushers. Let them view you in mute. Scream to yourself instead. Scream to me.”
I narrowed my eyes “To you?”
“I am a part of you aren’t I? The purpose of my existence is so that you would have someone to listen. Well, go ahead.” He opened his arms as if bracing himself to catch a giant ball of emotions.
I exhaled deeply letting my shoulders drop in sheer exhaustion “But Jasper, you’re just more proof that there’s something wrong with me. If I engage in you, won’t I just be making it worse?”
“And making your skin bleed or burn is going to make it better?” That fucking smirk!
“I just want to feel comforted! Cared for!. Thought of! Warm. Understood.” My eyes were growing moist the more my lips moved, which ironically caused my mouth to become dry.
I was crying now. Hysterically.
Jasper suddenly as right next to me his arms wrapped tightly around me. “Tell me, Emily. I want to listen”
If anyone was to actually walk in right now, what they would see is me holding myself tightly, tears falling like streams down my cheeks, telling myself everything that I held inside. But what they wouldn’t see was how intently I was listening to myself.
I’m not ok.
I’m really not ok.