(no subject)
Dear SOtR members,
I needed to write this in hopes that you would see it. Maybe you already know my LJ username, or maybe you have Google Alerts to anything related to Somewhere Over the Rainbow. I don't know. There probably is a chance you'll never see this. But the internet is a big place, so I have to believe you will see it.
Three years ago, you hurt me very badly. I became suicidal overnight, paranoid and left feeling abandoned by people I thought I could trust. My OCD was at a permanent spike for a few weeks there, which was unbearable. Despite all of it, I managed to get it all under control with the help of a very understanding therapist who assured me I was not a horrible person for something I had no control over. When I found out about my specific type of OCD, I was both ashamed and relieved. Ashamed that people would assume the worst and that they didn't know these were never my thoughts, I never wanted them, they just pop in my head under stressful situations. I was relieved though, that this had a name and there were other people out there suffering with the same thing. I made the mistake of telling everyone on SOtR. I should have never told anyone. Not because it meant I would have been kicked off the boards, but because I was barely understanding it myself and describing it to people who only saw the bad in my mental illness, would ultimately mean people would jump to conclusions about me. Plus I described it so poorly, people's conclusions had no where but to jump. I was just learning everything about it and presenting it to people I considered my friends.
Part of me wonders why I even miss SOtR so much lately, despite what happened. Maybe I need closure. I need you to know that I forgave you years ago. I needed to forgive you for me. I don't want you to assume that I was hiding something from you guys, because I wasn't. I just managed to keep the thoughts in the back of my mind, but when I found out the name of my illness, all the thoughts came flooding to the front. I became full on obsessed with thinking I was a bad person when I never was. I can't control my thoughts. I'm not going to get into a rant now, but I just needed to write this now, while I had the courage and hopes that you read this and pass it along.
Alyssa
PS. I have a new love in my life and his name is Kirby, he's a black love bug of a cat. Sweetest thing you'll ever see.
I needed to write this in hopes that you would see it. Maybe you already know my LJ username, or maybe you have Google Alerts to anything related to Somewhere Over the Rainbow. I don't know. There probably is a chance you'll never see this. But the internet is a big place, so I have to believe you will see it.
Three years ago, you hurt me very badly. I became suicidal overnight, paranoid and left feeling abandoned by people I thought I could trust. My OCD was at a permanent spike for a few weeks there, which was unbearable. Despite all of it, I managed to get it all under control with the help of a very understanding therapist who assured me I was not a horrible person for something I had no control over. When I found out about my specific type of OCD, I was both ashamed and relieved. Ashamed that people would assume the worst and that they didn't know these were never my thoughts, I never wanted them, they just pop in my head under stressful situations. I was relieved though, that this had a name and there were other people out there suffering with the same thing. I made the mistake of telling everyone on SOtR. I should have never told anyone. Not because it meant I would have been kicked off the boards, but because I was barely understanding it myself and describing it to people who only saw the bad in my mental illness, would ultimately mean people would jump to conclusions about me. Plus I described it so poorly, people's conclusions had no where but to jump. I was just learning everything about it and presenting it to people I considered my friends.
Part of me wonders why I even miss SOtR so much lately, despite what happened. Maybe I need closure. I need you to know that I forgave you years ago. I needed to forgive you for me. I don't want you to assume that I was hiding something from you guys, because I wasn't. I just managed to keep the thoughts in the back of my mind, but when I found out the name of my illness, all the thoughts came flooding to the front. I became full on obsessed with thinking I was a bad person when I never was. I can't control my thoughts. I'm not going to get into a rant now, but I just needed to write this now, while I had the courage and hopes that you read this and pass it along.
Alyssa
PS. I have a new love in my life and his name is Kirby, he's a black love bug of a cat. Sweetest thing you'll ever see.