I'm the Yeesh.
Modus operandi (often used in the abbreviated forms M.O. or simply Method) is a Latin phrase, approximately translated as "method of operating" The term is used in English to describe someone's habits or manner of working, the method of operating or functioning. It is often used in a criminal sense, to profile the methods employed by individuals during the execution of a crime.
I need to get a new M-O.
Because this whole "guys with girlfriends thing" is not a good idea.
One, sure. Two, a little more wrong... But when I have kissed 4 guys with girlfriends in the past year, I have a problem. I know its wrong. I know it!!! I don't need people telling me that OR JUDGING me. And I don't want to justify it, but I want to explore the reasons behind it.
I have had opportunities to get into a relationship. I know of two boys right now that might want to (this is not bragging if it comes off as that). But I am terrified of that. Of being chained to someone, of losing all this independence i have gained. I have become 110% stronger than I have EVER been before. When I was in a relationship, I depended on Gordon. I couldn't do anything without him. It wasn't his fault, it was the way I was just wired. When we broke up and he decided he couldn't even ever talk to me again, it destroyed me. I don't ever want to feel that unwanted or hurt again.
So basically, I'm terrified of commitment now. Sure, making out is fun, dates are better, but as soon as someone starts to label me as a "girlfriend" - i freak. Look at the Rob situation. I couldn't deal with a label. I couldn't deal with the potential of hurting him either. Which I know I would. I hurt Gordon because I didn't know who I was or what I wanted in life.
Anyways, I think the reason that I tend to end up in situations with a guy with a girlfriend is the safety of it. I don't have to worry about hurting him or breaking his heart or leading him on. AND I don't have to worry about him breaking up with me because there is no real reason that this will progress into anything. I don't have to worry about being called his girlfriend. I can have fun. Feel sexy. Feel wanted.
But the problem is? ... I'm not good with this. I pretend to be all sexually experienced and emotionally mature, but I'm not! I haven't slept with that many people. I get too emotionally involved for one night stands. I end up sabotaging any real attempts at a relationship. I'm just a big mess. Broken.
And now? there is another one. Another boy. I don't want this label of homewrecker, but I think I'm starting to deserve it. :( Yeesh.
I need to get a new M-O.
Because this whole "guys with girlfriends thing" is not a good idea.
One, sure. Two, a little more wrong... But when I have kissed 4 guys with girlfriends in the past year, I have a problem. I know its wrong. I know it!!! I don't need people telling me that OR JUDGING me. And I don't want to justify it, but I want to explore the reasons behind it.
I have had opportunities to get into a relationship. I know of two boys right now that might want to (this is not bragging if it comes off as that). But I am terrified of that. Of being chained to someone, of losing all this independence i have gained. I have become 110% stronger than I have EVER been before. When I was in a relationship, I depended on Gordon. I couldn't do anything without him. It wasn't his fault, it was the way I was just wired. When we broke up and he decided he couldn't even ever talk to me again, it destroyed me. I don't ever want to feel that unwanted or hurt again.
So basically, I'm terrified of commitment now. Sure, making out is fun, dates are better, but as soon as someone starts to label me as a "girlfriend" - i freak. Look at the Rob situation. I couldn't deal with a label. I couldn't deal with the potential of hurting him either. Which I know I would. I hurt Gordon because I didn't know who I was or what I wanted in life.
Anyways, I think the reason that I tend to end up in situations with a guy with a girlfriend is the safety of it. I don't have to worry about hurting him or breaking his heart or leading him on. AND I don't have to worry about him breaking up with me because there is no real reason that this will progress into anything. I don't have to worry about being called his girlfriend. I can have fun. Feel sexy. Feel wanted.
But the problem is? ... I'm not good with this. I pretend to be all sexually experienced and emotionally mature, but I'm not! I haven't slept with that many people. I get too emotionally involved for one night stands. I end up sabotaging any real attempts at a relationship. I'm just a big mess. Broken.
And now? there is another one. Another boy. I don't want this label of homewrecker, but I think I'm starting to deserve it. :( Yeesh.