here goes...
i made my final decision and that is..i am no longer drinking, doing drugs, or anything related to substance use/abuse.
i am not claiming to be "straight edge". i'm sure i will use that term to describe my current lifestyle at some point though, just because it's easier sometimes.
i'm mainly writing this entry to explain my decision, more so as a reminder to myself than to others.
first and foremost, keep in mind that i'm making this choice because it is what's best for me. yes, others have influenced me a lot over years and years, but i am not doing it to impress or please anyone else.
now the reason this decision came about so suddenly is because believe it or not, craig actually said something to me that opened my eyes a lot. i guess you could say i had an epiphany hah. he told me that i deserved far better than him. he was right. and i got to thinking and realized that i deserve a better life than the one i am living. i deserve so many things, everybody does. and i am holding myself back. i have been stuck in a rutt for like the last year hah. drinking has played a major part in that. so therefore, i'm going to stop. i'm going to step back, clear my head, and try to get my life going in some sort of direction. it's just time for me to step up.
i used to enjoy who i was when i was drinking; i was goofy and happy, but i don't feel like that anymore. i don't even like the feeling of being drunk anymore. i feel out of control or that i'm making a fool of myself. i don't like what it has done to my body. i have gained so much weight from it. it has made me extremely lazy and unmotivated. i'm just sick of feeling like that. i want to feel good and healthy in every aspect of my life.
i guess seeing craig just made me realize a lot of things. even though it was short-lived, he treated me very well and made me happy. i wasn't drinking very much because i was usually with him and because i didn't feel the need to replace whatever emptiness i had with alcohol. he made me realize that i am a good person and i deserve to be treated well. i haven't felt like that in a very long time. although i'm bummed we broke up, i'm so stoked on the fact that i had the strength to make the right decision to walk away from him. he was my fucking dream guy in so many ways, and i walked away because i had to. it gave me a sense of power i suppose and just completely changed my outlook on so many things.
so yeah, i guess those are the main reasons why i decided to stop everything. some people asked why i decided to stop all together or why i couldn't just drink a little and i thought about that. i realized though that although i may be a pretty strong person, my self control is terrible, especially when it comes to alcohol. so i'm not going to half ass this..it's all or nothing.
so yeah, that's that.
i told my closest friends and my parents. some people were confused at first and some are opposed, but they all support me. that's a really good feeling.
i know it's going to be difficult and i'm going to have really bad days. and there is always the fear of giving in or failing. but for once i have faith in something.
some people are worried that i won't be around as much or will turn into a different person. yeah i'm going to change, but it will be so much better, i will be so much better.
i'm still going to hang out and go to parties..play beer ball. i just won't be drunk.
and there will be some days where i'm not going to want to hang out or be around because people are drinking and it's just going to be too hard, but that will only be some days.
i'll still be around.
okay, i'm done rambling now.
i am not claiming to be "straight edge". i'm sure i will use that term to describe my current lifestyle at some point though, just because it's easier sometimes.
i'm mainly writing this entry to explain my decision, more so as a reminder to myself than to others.
first and foremost, keep in mind that i'm making this choice because it is what's best for me. yes, others have influenced me a lot over years and years, but i am not doing it to impress or please anyone else.
now the reason this decision came about so suddenly is because believe it or not, craig actually said something to me that opened my eyes a lot. i guess you could say i had an epiphany hah. he told me that i deserved far better than him. he was right. and i got to thinking and realized that i deserve a better life than the one i am living. i deserve so many things, everybody does. and i am holding myself back. i have been stuck in a rutt for like the last year hah. drinking has played a major part in that. so therefore, i'm going to stop. i'm going to step back, clear my head, and try to get my life going in some sort of direction. it's just time for me to step up.
i used to enjoy who i was when i was drinking; i was goofy and happy, but i don't feel like that anymore. i don't even like the feeling of being drunk anymore. i feel out of control or that i'm making a fool of myself. i don't like what it has done to my body. i have gained so much weight from it. it has made me extremely lazy and unmotivated. i'm just sick of feeling like that. i want to feel good and healthy in every aspect of my life.
i guess seeing craig just made me realize a lot of things. even though it was short-lived, he treated me very well and made me happy. i wasn't drinking very much because i was usually with him and because i didn't feel the need to replace whatever emptiness i had with alcohol. he made me realize that i am a good person and i deserve to be treated well. i haven't felt like that in a very long time. although i'm bummed we broke up, i'm so stoked on the fact that i had the strength to make the right decision to walk away from him. he was my fucking dream guy in so many ways, and i walked away because i had to. it gave me a sense of power i suppose and just completely changed my outlook on so many things.
so yeah, i guess those are the main reasons why i decided to stop everything. some people asked why i decided to stop all together or why i couldn't just drink a little and i thought about that. i realized though that although i may be a pretty strong person, my self control is terrible, especially when it comes to alcohol. so i'm not going to half ass this..it's all or nothing.
so yeah, that's that.
i told my closest friends and my parents. some people were confused at first and some are opposed, but they all support me. that's a really good feeling.
i know it's going to be difficult and i'm going to have really bad days. and there is always the fear of giving in or failing. but for once i have faith in something.
some people are worried that i won't be around as much or will turn into a different person. yeah i'm going to change, but it will be so much better, i will be so much better.
i'm still going to hang out and go to parties..play beer ball. i just won't be drunk.
and there will be some days where i'm not going to want to hang out or be around because people are drinking and it's just going to be too hard, but that will only be some days.
i'll still be around.
okay, i'm done rambling now.