"It has been zero days since our last accident."
This entry is from three or four months ago.
I went out to dinner with a best friend and an old friend last week. I told my old friend that I had been raped two years ago by my housemate. While he was expressing his condolences, I told him not to worry too much because it was long ago and it had been a month and a half since I last had any symptoms of PTSD. My best friend looked struck. "Only a month?" I blushed. Yeah, it was kind of sad that it had been so short a time. But not to worry. That time will keep getting longer. Because I'm all better now, right? I'm safe.
Right?
I told my boyfriend I'd like to cuddle when he came to bed, but I fell asleep with my book. Apparently, I startled when he crawled into bed, but quickly fell back asleep, I was very tired. I vaguely remember someone touching my face, neck and arms and jerking sharply away. I was tired. I wanted to sleep. I don't like it when things happen to me in my sleep. He KNOWS this. I've freaked out about it. We've had awful conversations about it... a month and a half ago. So he gets up to turn out the light by my bed and kisses me on the forehead.
THIS time, I wake up completely. Because someone is touching me in my sleep and they won't stop. And that means... I snap into a defensive posture and freeze. In a carefully un-cruel voice, I tell my boyfriend to please, please not do things to me in my sleep. When my adrenaline ebbs enough to unlock my muscles, I start to cry in the dark. My boyfriend turns the light back on and I outline the terrible catch 22 of getting triggered by your partner. You desperately need someone to hold you and the person you can't bring yourself to touch is the person who usually comforts you.
My boyfriend knows I was raped in my sleep. He knows I hate it when people do things to me in my sleep. He just forgot. Because... I am forgettable. My consent is forgettable. The fact that this stuff gives me the screaming horrors is forgettable. My boyfriend tried to explain that I had asked for cuddles earlier and he had no ill intent, and I have to tell him to please stop talking because I am growing furious at how much his words sound like my rapist's. Like the fact that he "just forgot" that I was a human being who needs to be FUCKING CONSCIOUS to say yes to things is supposed to be comforting. Hint: it's not.
He talked about how I "twitch" when I sleep and he didn't realize that I was shying away. And I tell him to please stop talking again because this means I need to be vigilant enough to be objectively clear while I am unconscious. If I ever, for a second, fail to say no in an objectively clear way at all times, I'm pretty much fair game. And that means I can never, ever feel safe.
And the truth is, if that's the world we've got, I would rather not have a boyfriend at all. Because I am sick to death of being forgotten as a human being. I am sick to death of not feeling safe. And if that is "the deal" of love, that I must trade my physical autonomy if I want access to it, it's a lousy fucking deal and I don't want it.
And no, I am not being histrionic. And no, I don't say that lightly. I do not want to be loved or participate in love, I do not want to have sex again, and I would rather be alone than have to deal with that DISGUSTING SHIT ever again.
Update:
My boyfriend took pains with an apology at lunch today. He emphasized that it is NOT my responsibility to constantly or clearly say no. It was on him to take initiative at a time when I was capable of response (positive OR negative) and he failed to do that. It is NOT my responsibility to remind him on a regular basis of things that severely upset me. He had plenty of reason to know that would trigger me and he screwed up.
It was less than two months ago when we had intense encounters about how important this was to us being okay, and it was not on me to accept that every couple of months, he might forget. He assured me it is not OK for me to tolerate that level of fear. It was on him to prove to me that I didn't have to worry about that any more. And if he couldn't do it, I had every right to be furious at him for setting our good relationship at naught.
He asked if there was any atonement he might offer. I pointed out that I didn't need him beaten up. I just wanted good cause not to be frightened and mistrustful. I needed him to demonstrate that he has taken steps to make sure he won't forget again. We also distinguished between criminalizing taking initiative in physical contact and stepping on consent. My issue was NOT that my boyfriend touched me, it wasn't even that he touched me without asking (we enjoy a repertoire of activities that rest on our rapport), it was that he knowingly did it at a time when I was unable to consent. I LIKE that my boyfriend touches me easily. And part of the reason I'm cool with it is that I can freely indicate if I'm into it without histrionics on either side.
But I did not have an option of indicating whether his initiative was welcome. I was unconscious.
Can we PLEASE fucking REMEMBER THAT?
God, please please please. :C
I went out to dinner with a best friend and an old friend last week. I told my old friend that I had been raped two years ago by my housemate. While he was expressing his condolences, I told him not to worry too much because it was long ago and it had been a month and a half since I last had any symptoms of PTSD. My best friend looked struck. "Only a month?" I blushed. Yeah, it was kind of sad that it had been so short a time. But not to worry. That time will keep getting longer. Because I'm all better now, right? I'm safe.
Right?
I told my boyfriend I'd like to cuddle when he came to bed, but I fell asleep with my book. Apparently, I startled when he crawled into bed, but quickly fell back asleep, I was very tired. I vaguely remember someone touching my face, neck and arms and jerking sharply away. I was tired. I wanted to sleep. I don't like it when things happen to me in my sleep. He KNOWS this. I've freaked out about it. We've had awful conversations about it... a month and a half ago. So he gets up to turn out the light by my bed and kisses me on the forehead.
THIS time, I wake up completely. Because someone is touching me in my sleep and they won't stop. And that means... I snap into a defensive posture and freeze. In a carefully un-cruel voice, I tell my boyfriend to please, please not do things to me in my sleep. When my adrenaline ebbs enough to unlock my muscles, I start to cry in the dark. My boyfriend turns the light back on and I outline the terrible catch 22 of getting triggered by your partner. You desperately need someone to hold you and the person you can't bring yourself to touch is the person who usually comforts you.
My boyfriend knows I was raped in my sleep. He knows I hate it when people do things to me in my sleep. He just forgot. Because... I am forgettable. My consent is forgettable. The fact that this stuff gives me the screaming horrors is forgettable. My boyfriend tried to explain that I had asked for cuddles earlier and he had no ill intent, and I have to tell him to please stop talking because I am growing furious at how much his words sound like my rapist's. Like the fact that he "just forgot" that I was a human being who needs to be FUCKING CONSCIOUS to say yes to things is supposed to be comforting. Hint: it's not.
He talked about how I "twitch" when I sleep and he didn't realize that I was shying away. And I tell him to please stop talking again because this means I need to be vigilant enough to be objectively clear while I am unconscious. If I ever, for a second, fail to say no in an objectively clear way at all times, I'm pretty much fair game. And that means I can never, ever feel safe.
And the truth is, if that's the world we've got, I would rather not have a boyfriend at all. Because I am sick to death of being forgotten as a human being. I am sick to death of not feeling safe. And if that is "the deal" of love, that I must trade my physical autonomy if I want access to it, it's a lousy fucking deal and I don't want it.
And no, I am not being histrionic. And no, I don't say that lightly. I do not want to be loved or participate in love, I do not want to have sex again, and I would rather be alone than have to deal with that DISGUSTING SHIT ever again.
Update:
My boyfriend took pains with an apology at lunch today. He emphasized that it is NOT my responsibility to constantly or clearly say no. It was on him to take initiative at a time when I was capable of response (positive OR negative) and he failed to do that. It is NOT my responsibility to remind him on a regular basis of things that severely upset me. He had plenty of reason to know that would trigger me and he screwed up.
It was less than two months ago when we had intense encounters about how important this was to us being okay, and it was not on me to accept that every couple of months, he might forget. He assured me it is not OK for me to tolerate that level of fear. It was on him to prove to me that I didn't have to worry about that any more. And if he couldn't do it, I had every right to be furious at him for setting our good relationship at naught.
He asked if there was any atonement he might offer. I pointed out that I didn't need him beaten up. I just wanted good cause not to be frightened and mistrustful. I needed him to demonstrate that he has taken steps to make sure he won't forget again. We also distinguished between criminalizing taking initiative in physical contact and stepping on consent. My issue was NOT that my boyfriend touched me, it wasn't even that he touched me without asking (we enjoy a repertoire of activities that rest on our rapport), it was that he knowingly did it at a time when I was unable to consent. I LIKE that my boyfriend touches me easily. And part of the reason I'm cool with it is that I can freely indicate if I'm into it without histrionics on either side.
But I did not have an option of indicating whether his initiative was welcome. I was unconscious.
Can we PLEASE fucking REMEMBER THAT?
God, please please please. :C