(no subject)
It’s really never much different. I mean, I end up falling asleep every night regardless. Sometimes I cry. Teeth braced into my pillow and body small, tight, mostly alone. While the tears come, I am not thankful for anything. It hurts not to be thankful for anything that I know is well and fine in my life just because all my parts are tense and pained It feels good and it’s selfish and I want to be selfish just this once, but there is nobody there to cry into and no way of explaining the immense hurt inside. No way to express the vice that tightens slowly against my frame every minute that no doctor could detect. In the morning, it’s hard to bring myself to accept another day. I try to delay it’s power over me, sucking minute by minute by minute until I am forced up and out, out, out. Usually I sit in the car and sigh until I can move without screaming and lashing out. It hurts to know that there are limits to love and that I could probably not go to most at that moment in absolute wrecking tears yet no explanation of myself without their being annoyed. So, I sigh instead and breathe the internalized hurt into windshield fog and confused molecules that will cause a typhoon halfway across the world.