sigh
“Get a load of me, get a load of you walking down the street and I hardly know you. It’s just like we were meant to be. Holding hands at you when we’re out at night. More than this it’s just the beginning we’re already wet and we’re going to go swimming. Why can’t I breathe whenever I think about you? Why can’t I speak whenever I talk about you. It’s inevitable it’s a fact that we’re going to get down to it so tell me why can’t I breathe whenever I think about you. Isn’t this the best part of waking up, finding someone else you can’t get enough of? Someone who wants to be with you too. It’s an itch we know we’re going to scratch, going take awhile for this egg to hatch. Though wouldn’t it be beautiful. Here we are we’re at the beginning. We haven’t bumped heads yet but I’m already spinning. I love for you to make me wonder where it’s going. I love for you to pull me under-something’s growing.”
--Liz Phair
I have decided that today is going to be the day that I am just going to come out and say it: I love him. I have been stopped by fear, by anxiety, by the unknown. I have been forced out of habit, out of a subconscious stupid superstition, to deny what I know my heart is telling me. I have been ready to write the words for so long, yet I was sure that writing them would be meaningless if I could not say them. But today I want to bring it all to an end. I want to make myself come to terms with the fact that it’s okay to be sure of something. I am sure of this something now. Who knows if I will be sure of it tomorrow, a week from now, or even years from now. But I am sure of it now and that’s all that is of any importance to me.
It’s okay to be in love many times in one’s life. It’s okay to fall out of love just as easily as one falls in love. What matters is not the action, but the substance and meaning behind the action. I have never felt so much for one person. He is beautiful to me not because he is perfect. He is beautiful to me because he has flaws. I have never been an accepting person. I haven’t even so much as accepted myself, let alone others. I have always been ready to shut the door on someone before I would even give thought to opening it. But Jeffrey is different. I am different with him. With Jeff there are thousands of doors all lined up, all ready to be opened. Behind each door a different thing, a different surprise-some good, some bad. But either way, I am just as excited, eager and willing to open the doors. I want to learn more about him, I want to know his secrets. I want to know his bad traits. I want him to annoy me. I want to find out all that makes him tick. I have never wanted to be with one person so bad. I have never been at a loss for words with someone like I am with him. I have never wanted to take things more slowly in my life-only to realize that I can’t help but move fast. He makes me glow.
Sometimes when he is not paying attention, I will just look at his face. A face that I have studied often, memorized almost. In him I see all that I want in a man. I see someone that I could very well spend the rest of my life with. However, I am not stupid. I am well aware of how easy it is for things to change. But that’s okay.
The rest of my life. How scary to think that I have no idea how much time that really entails. I have absolutely no clue what’s in store for me. And that makes it all the more better that instead of hiding from my feelings, I embrace them. I celebrate them. I admit that right now my life is nothing short of magical.
My expectations for myself and my life are probably far fetched from the reality of what and who I will turn out to be. Many of my goals will probably never be realized. I will probably never gain recognition for being me. I will probably never own a Bentley. I will probably never be skinny. No one will probably ever read this. I will probably never be admired by the masses. Pessimistic? Absolutely not. Realistic? Yes. No matter how magical life is, one can even play the odds against magic. Many people think that realizing limitations will in turn limit their “limitless” potential. I disagree. Realizing my limitations will help me to be okay. If I surpass those limitations I will congratulate myself. If I do not even come close to those limitations I will be okay with myself. Either way, the type of things that I set limits for will not define my life. My life will be defined by my family, by my moral actions, and by something that truly has no limit: love.
It’s hard to connect random thoughts sometimes. It seems stupid to connect one love interest to the greater meaning of my life-but then again, maybe not. Life is all about love. Loving yourself and loving others. And so I won’t be scared to love, because being scared to love is like being scared to live. No earthly person knows what life has in store for me…and I don’t want to know just yet where the path may lead. But one thing I know for sure: I would rather love 10 people fully, wholly, and limitlessly rather than never love anyone because I am scared of loves fleeting tendency. I will love just like I live: one day at a time, with courage, tenacity, intelligence, and pride.
And then everything will always be okay.
And one day, when everything is just right, when not saying it would be unnatural and insensible and when my heart is able to formulate its feelings into words, I will tell you that I love you.
But for right now my true declaration of love lies not in what I say to you, but in the fact that I can unequivocally say it to myself.
--Liz Phair
I have decided that today is going to be the day that I am just going to come out and say it: I love him. I have been stopped by fear, by anxiety, by the unknown. I have been forced out of habit, out of a subconscious stupid superstition, to deny what I know my heart is telling me. I have been ready to write the words for so long, yet I was sure that writing them would be meaningless if I could not say them. But today I want to bring it all to an end. I want to make myself come to terms with the fact that it’s okay to be sure of something. I am sure of this something now. Who knows if I will be sure of it tomorrow, a week from now, or even years from now. But I am sure of it now and that’s all that is of any importance to me.
It’s okay to be in love many times in one’s life. It’s okay to fall out of love just as easily as one falls in love. What matters is not the action, but the substance and meaning behind the action. I have never felt so much for one person. He is beautiful to me not because he is perfect. He is beautiful to me because he has flaws. I have never been an accepting person. I haven’t even so much as accepted myself, let alone others. I have always been ready to shut the door on someone before I would even give thought to opening it. But Jeffrey is different. I am different with him. With Jeff there are thousands of doors all lined up, all ready to be opened. Behind each door a different thing, a different surprise-some good, some bad. But either way, I am just as excited, eager and willing to open the doors. I want to learn more about him, I want to know his secrets. I want to know his bad traits. I want him to annoy me. I want to find out all that makes him tick. I have never wanted to be with one person so bad. I have never been at a loss for words with someone like I am with him. I have never wanted to take things more slowly in my life-only to realize that I can’t help but move fast. He makes me glow.
Sometimes when he is not paying attention, I will just look at his face. A face that I have studied often, memorized almost. In him I see all that I want in a man. I see someone that I could very well spend the rest of my life with. However, I am not stupid. I am well aware of how easy it is for things to change. But that’s okay.
The rest of my life. How scary to think that I have no idea how much time that really entails. I have absolutely no clue what’s in store for me. And that makes it all the more better that instead of hiding from my feelings, I embrace them. I celebrate them. I admit that right now my life is nothing short of magical.
My expectations for myself and my life are probably far fetched from the reality of what and who I will turn out to be. Many of my goals will probably never be realized. I will probably never gain recognition for being me. I will probably never own a Bentley. I will probably never be skinny. No one will probably ever read this. I will probably never be admired by the masses. Pessimistic? Absolutely not. Realistic? Yes. No matter how magical life is, one can even play the odds against magic. Many people think that realizing limitations will in turn limit their “limitless” potential. I disagree. Realizing my limitations will help me to be okay. If I surpass those limitations I will congratulate myself. If I do not even come close to those limitations I will be okay with myself. Either way, the type of things that I set limits for will not define my life. My life will be defined by my family, by my moral actions, and by something that truly has no limit: love.
It’s hard to connect random thoughts sometimes. It seems stupid to connect one love interest to the greater meaning of my life-but then again, maybe not. Life is all about love. Loving yourself and loving others. And so I won’t be scared to love, because being scared to love is like being scared to live. No earthly person knows what life has in store for me…and I don’t want to know just yet where the path may lead. But one thing I know for sure: I would rather love 10 people fully, wholly, and limitlessly rather than never love anyone because I am scared of loves fleeting tendency. I will love just like I live: one day at a time, with courage, tenacity, intelligence, and pride.
And then everything will always be okay.
And one day, when everything is just right, when not saying it would be unnatural and insensible and when my heart is able to formulate its feelings into words, I will tell you that I love you.
But for right now my true declaration of love lies not in what I say to you, but in the fact that I can unequivocally say it to myself.