between the veil
I've been struggling over a few things these past couple of months. For awhile I couldn't put my finger on it, so I just let it pass, and went through my days home bus work bus home. i felt stuck. bound by the grayness and darkness of Seattle's days. I realized I stopped believing in possibilities. that my reality was just that and simply that. the reality of being in my 30's of being responsible only for myself of signing up and making choices and knowing that every choice comes with an option that was never taken. that's what adulthood is being about. the process of finally being okay with the choices Ive made.
I have a contract at seattle that ends in 2010. I don't particularly like the women that I work for. they are petty judgemental, center-minded women. but what I do like is the twice monthly paycheck. the cashflow that comes and comes and comes only if I show up to work everyday. and what I get to do with that cashflow is whatever I like. got the prelude fixed and suddenly my life is on fastspeed again. sortof. at least I get to get up and go wherever and whenever I want to.
there are a lot of material physical things about this world that I'm still uncertain about. Like contracts. like insurance. like bills to pay like taking a shower everymorning and having to wash my hair. physicial things like overindulgence. how food anykinds of food is such a soothing balm to my soul. beer that makes me silly happy. so i'm going to tackle the material physical things of this world. I'm going to live in this world. practicing still, but I'm getting there. and I'm going to have to find a way to combine my world with the physical world. just like I am combining accupuncture with physical therapy to heal the aches in my ankles and knees so that I can run a marathon for gods sakes. so that I can start getting a handle on my physical body. I can't be disconnected from my head any longer.
so my world is opening up again. I've decided to try for the foreign service exam to become a foreign service officer for the department of state. teach myself another language - spanish so that I can open up the possibility of latin america. but i know that with this goal, this dream comes another sort of goal of dreams to sacrifice. I know it deeply and it hurts me. but at this point, my life is my life and there really is nothing and no one to tie me down in one place. So this is my next direction. and i've finally learned that it's the adventure that counts and never the destination.
I have a contract at seattle that ends in 2010. I don't particularly like the women that I work for. they are petty judgemental, center-minded women. but what I do like is the twice monthly paycheck. the cashflow that comes and comes and comes only if I show up to work everyday. and what I get to do with that cashflow is whatever I like. got the prelude fixed and suddenly my life is on fastspeed again. sortof. at least I get to get up and go wherever and whenever I want to.
there are a lot of material physical things about this world that I'm still uncertain about. Like contracts. like insurance. like bills to pay like taking a shower everymorning and having to wash my hair. physicial things like overindulgence. how food anykinds of food is such a soothing balm to my soul. beer that makes me silly happy. so i'm going to tackle the material physical things of this world. I'm going to live in this world. practicing still, but I'm getting there. and I'm going to have to find a way to combine my world with the physical world. just like I am combining accupuncture with physical therapy to heal the aches in my ankles and knees so that I can run a marathon for gods sakes. so that I can start getting a handle on my physical body. I can't be disconnected from my head any longer.
so my world is opening up again. I've decided to try for the foreign service exam to become a foreign service officer for the department of state. teach myself another language - spanish so that I can open up the possibility of latin america. but i know that with this goal, this dream comes another sort of goal of dreams to sacrifice. I know it deeply and it hurts me. but at this point, my life is my life and there really is nothing and no one to tie me down in one place. So this is my next direction. and i've finally learned that it's the adventure that counts and never the destination.