August 17 "And Really Bad Eggs..." (Pirates of the Caribbean) PG-13
Title: And Really Bad Eggs...
Author: phantompopcorn / LVB
Summary: Anyanka goes to Tortuga for some old fashioned vengeance. She finds Captain Jack Sparrow instead.
Crossover: Pirates of the Caribbean
Characters: Anyanka, Jack Sparrow
Rating: PG-13 (swear words and themes)
Warnings: Naughty themes/ swear words
Word Count: 931
Timeline: Pre-Curse of the Black Pearl and pre-BTVS
Disclaimer: I hereby state that I do not own either BtVS or PotC. I am not making any profit from this. All rights reserved.
Whenever Anyanka was struggling to find work, she always took a working holiday to the same place. Year after year it stood tall amongst the trash and she found all manner of entertainment and deep, dark, dirty wishes within.
Tortuga was a cursed place full of cursed women cursing cursed men. For a vengeance demon, it was paradise. It had been a long time since Anyanka had bothered playing with the male species for her own enjoyment, but business elsewhere was slow. Besides, there was nothing more fun than toying with pirates.
She had been alive for about seven hundred years exacting horrible revenge on men and seeing eyeballs and entrails of humans and demons alike in ballrooms, in hell dimensions and on the sidewalk so most of the stories the sailors told were like fairytales to her.
She had met Davy Jones and she’d seen worse. A demon with tentacles? That was hardly original. She’d even dated one, once. So it was a typical evening in Tortuga when Anyanka finally arrived. Men were brawling, women were pushing their breasts up out of their horrible dresses and there was ale, ale, ale as far as she could see (and smell).
She looked around. There had to be plenty to avenge here. There were whores aplenty. She leant closer to the table of women in front of her.
“The last time ‘e was ‘ere, he showed me the world,” the woman gushed. “‘e said e’d come back for me, too!”
“That’s nothin’,” the other woman replied. “My pirate showed me this compass and it’s supposed to show ya the thing ‘e wanted most. Guess what it pointed at, girlies?”
Oh, Anyanka could bet alright. Men were pigs.
“Oi, wait a minute,” a third girl intervened. “You’re not talkin’ ‘bout Jack Sparra?”
There was silence all around the tavern then. “Jack Sparrow?” the first lady asked. And there it was. Vengeance delivered to her in a nasty platter.
“He’s mine,” the second lady hissed. There were murmurs around the tavern.
“Like ‘ell, he is!” the third woman shouted and then, as predicted, everything descended into chaos. Perfection. As the first and the third women began to punch each other maniacally, Anyanka gently pulled the second lady away from the ruckus.
Her eyes were glazed with crazy-- just the way she liked it. “Excuse me, I couldn’t help overhearing...”
“You too, hey?” the woman croaked. “Men are dirty pigs.”
“Men. Ugh! But Jack Sparrow...he’s the worst of them, wouldn’t you say?”
The woman snorted. “Cap’n Jack Sparrow.”
“Yes! The Captain!” she said as she ducked a flying chair. “Don’t you just wish...”
“I wish a lot of things, lady. Do I wish that the good Cap’n’s willie would fall off into the sea? Do I wish that all these women would be lyin’? Probably but you know what?”
Anyanka leant in closer. This was it. “Yes?”
The woman giggled. “‘e was the best lay I’ve ever ‘ad!”
And there it went.
--
Anyanka had spent two full evenings trying to find someone-- anyone, who was willing to curse the bollocks off this Captain Jack Sparrow. Despite the fact they were all willing to throw chairs at each other, nobody wanted to curse his legs or penis to fall off. It was very annoying!
So Anyanka had done what any self-respecting vengeance demon did. She looked for him. As popular and well known as he was, he was hard to find. But finally, two weeks later, he sashayed into port at Tortuga.
“Ahh, Genevieve,” he exclaimed as he saw her coming out. “How I’ve missed you, luv.”
“My name is Anyanka,” she said directly. “And we’ve never met.”
She took in his hair, his gait and his shiny gold teeth as he smiled at her. “But of course, my luv. I’m not sure why not, you are indeed the finest specimen here.”
Well, the man had finesse. But she was a vengeance demon, not a bar wench. Before she could open her mouth, his arm was around her. “Not to worry, Anybanko--”
“Anyanka,” she corrected.
“Captain Jack will take care of you.”
--
Anyanka fell back into the bed with a sigh. Hadn’t she started out trying to claim vengeance on this man? “That was incredible,” she breathed.
The Captain sat up from his spot on the bed. “Not too bad yourself, luv.”
“I’ve dated lots of men, you know,” she started as Jack stood up and stretched. “I mean, vampires, demons, squid monsters. I even dated a troll.”
“Sounds dangers,” Jack agreed. “Be back in a moment, luv. Men have business to attend to. Needs, you see.”
Anyanka barely heard him. “I have lived a full life,” she mused to herself and sank back into the bed. Those ladies were right.
Suddenly, there was a crash and a bang from the bathroom. The sound of pigs and chickens downstairs had Anyanka fleeing from the bed to the window to see the good Captain, running down the alleyway, boots in hand and one leg in his pants.
She stared at him. “I’ll get you, Jack Sparrow!” she shouted at him. The burning fire pits of hell weren’t enough for the swine running away from her.
“Captain. Captain Jack Sparrow!” he shouted back, as he tripped over a pig.
With all her might, she shoved a dirty lamp out the window and growled as it smashed onto the ground.
Men are swine, she thought as she pulled her dress back on. But then again, she had just spent an evening with Captain Jack Sparrow...