Sarcasm & Snark - August 15
Title: Sarcasm & Snark
Author: LadyWinterlight (songs_of_winter)
Fandoms: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and The Avengers/MCU
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1113
Notes: I'm apparently in a mood. The sarcasm is real, in this story. In the same 'verse as the rest of my challenge submissions so far.
I still do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer, The Avengers or anything to do with the MCU.
“So let me see if I’ve got this,” Bruce paced back and forth across the meeting room in Avengers Tower in New York. Pepper had opened it up for their use again, since the facility upstate was completely devastated and there were bigger priorities than rebuilding it in the months following the second battle with Thanos.
“You had the ability to call up a small army of super-powered girls who live right here on Earth, and you didn’t? What, you didn’t think Thanos was that big a threat?” Bruce all but growled.
“Had the ability to call, yes,” Fury replied dryly. “To call them up? Maybe. If they weren’t facing a threat of their own just as big. The ICWS is an independent organization, Banner. They never have and never will answer to SHIELD.”
“What could possibly have been a bigger threat than Thanos?” Bruce demanded furiously.
“A cult of the Old Ones, hoping to use the distraction to open a portal into a demon dimension and unleash hell on Earth,” Buffy spoke up from the doorway. Several people whirled around at the sound of her voice. Fury just smirked at her. “Sorry, guys, but the door was open and your security when it comes to magic is about nonexistent.”
“And you would be..?” Sam Wilson asked suspiciously.
“Gentlemen and ladies, may I introduce Buffy Summers of the ICWS,” Fury said, his tone dripping with blatantly ironic courtesy.
Buffy responded to his sarcasm by sweeping an elegant bow, golden curls swinging around her face as she moved. “A pleasure to meet you all, I’m sure. So to answer big green’s question, yes, we did absolutely have bigger problems on our hands than Thanos. Which isn’t to say that we weren’t affected by him, but that given the fact that you were proclaimed ‘Earth’s mightiest heroes’ we didn’t really see a reason to worry about your problems when we had our own.” She rolled her eyes. “If we’d helped you stop Thanos but the cult had managed to actually open a hellmouth I’m pretty sure we’d have lost far more than we did. And permanently, not in any sort of fixable way.”
“And to be honest, I think I did pretty good in managing to hit the call button for Captain Marvel, while my body was disintegrating into its component carbon,” Fury added in the dryest tone Buffy had ever heard aloud.
“Everybody calm down,” Carol said before Bruce or Sam could respond to Fury in kind. Then she smiled and crossed the room to Buffy. “It’s good to see you again, Buffy. If I’d known what this meeting was about, I’d have called and brought you in with me. So you didn’t have to just drop in.
The two women exchanged a quick hug. “It’s fine, Carol. I’m used to dropping into places unexpectedly. Nice to see you back on Earth, though. You’ve been pretty scarce the past few years.”
“Yeah, well. Lots of worlds out there, suffering the same losses as Earth. But without Avengers, or Slayers for that matter. I mean, I think other worlds might have Slayers but they haven’t broken the cap on one at a time like you have.”
“Interesting. I’m sure Willow and Dawn will want to discuss that with you later,” Buffy commented. “Anyway, before some of your people combust in fits of temper, yes I represent the ICWS. That’s the International Council of Watchers and Slayers, by the by. Yes, we have some nifty abilities, no we’re not the product of experiments. Our abilities are supernatural in origin. And the supernatural - demons, vampires, demonic cults, that sort of thing - is where we usually focus our attention. Extraterrestrial mortals aren’t really our bag of tricks.”
“And yet, you know Carol,” Wanda observed in a low voice.
Buffy made a face and Carol laughed. “We met by accident. I was tracking something we thought was more mystical than scientific - oh, what, mid 2000s Carol?”
“2006? Maybe 2007? I lose track because the rest of the universe doesn’t follow Earth’s calendar by any stretch of imagination,” Carol replied carelessly.
“Anyway, that something turned out to be Carol dropping in to visit her family,” Buffy finished. “We chatted a bit, traded stories of waking up one day with superpowers, and kept in touch as we were able over the years.”
Sam eyed Buffy for a moment. “Do people really still buy the valley girl act?” he asked, amused. “I mean, you look like you’re a twenty-something, most of the time, but…”
Buffy laughed. “Yes, actually, they do. And what do you mean, ‘most of the time?’”
“It’s your eyes, doll,” Bucky spoke up. “The look of someone who has seen more horror than they ever expected to. Some of us see it in the mirror all the time.”
Buffy sighed and dropped into a chair at the conference table, “I can’t deny that, but you didn’t invite me here for the sordid tale that is my life. So, what can I do for you?”
“Are you really serious?” Bruce asked slowly. “Portals, demons..?”
“Why would she not be?” Wanda asked. “Demons walk among us. Some with the faces of men. Many peoples know this.”
“Sounds like superstition and propaganda to me,” Sam said with a shake of his head. Bruce nodded emphatic agreement.
“You people just finished part two of a war that should’ve been ended five years ago when Thanos destroyed the stones and you killed Thanos,” Buffy pointed out dryly. “Then you went skipping around time and space, possibly creating alternate timelines, in order to get the stones back and fix your mistakes. Pot? Kettle.” She pointed from herself to the others with that last comment.
“Guys, you have a teammate called the Scarlet Witch, you’ve partnered with aliens and a talking raccoon, and you’ve worked with Earth’s Sorceror Supreme,” Carol said, rolling her eyes. “Get over yourselves. There are many things in this galaxy that you haven’t experienced, let alone on this world.”
“So are we back to the ‘why am I here’ question, or did you want to dither over your sciency meltdown a little longer?” Buffy snarked.
“I think what we’d really like to know is whether our group can work with yours as needed,” Bucky said before anyone else could answer. “I get that you deal with things we don’t understand, but we can learn. And it wouldn’t hurt for either group to have the other on standby if we’re talking about the apocalypse.”
“Well, we avert one or two of those a year, on average,” Buffy began.
“What, apocalypses?”
“Exactly.” Buffy grinned, pleased that someone - for once - knew the plural of apocalypse.