Fanfic.
Title: A Father's Pain.
Pairing: None.
Rating: PG-13. Swearing.
Word Count: 833
Summary: Dean is fighting for his life. Its John's fault, or at least he thinks that. A reflection told by John's Point of view.
Spoilers/Warnings: Spoilers for "In My Time of Dying".
Disclaimer: I don't own either of them.
Author's Note: My first fanfic. I was rewatching "IMToD" and start to think about hows Papa think when he was staring his lifeless son in that hospital bed. English is not my primary language, so bear with me.
He's dying, I can feel it. I'm staring his lifeless body and I can't believe it’s my boy lying in this bed. His eyes are closed. His hands are cold. He’s not moving. He’s struggling to live, but he’s not making. [pause]
My elder son. My elder son is dying. Should be me instead. It hurts so much see him like this. He is so full of life. His cockiness, his snark comments, his courage, his love for his family, his protectiveness over Sammy. [pause]
Sammy...[pause] for the longest time of my life I thought Sammy was my favorite son. He inherited lots of things from Mary. It killed me when he decided to go to college. He didn't want to be like me. 'This excuse of father', he said at that time. Dean standed by
my side. He had such a blind faith in me that amazed me sometimes. Sammy was right. I'm an excuse of father. Never really had time to get around with the parenting thing. Mary was the one that took care of them. The one who told fairy tales to Dean sleep. The one who sang to Sammy 'till he fall asleep in his nursery. She always was the better person on our relationship. Sometimes I wonder why she chose me. Why she married me. Why she loved me. I was happy. I had the perfect wife, two beautiful sons and in a snap of fingers everything shattered. She was dead and I had two sons to raise by myself. I did my best. It’s a shame that it wasn’t much. At least at Sammy’s eyes. But I did what have to be done. I couldn’t pretend that those damn things out there don’t exist. They killed Mary. The only thing I could think was revenge. I had to make my sons soldiers. I had no other choice. You may never get it, but I did for love. I would die if any of them got killed because they didn’t know what’s out there. Okay, I’m getting lost here. What was my last thought? [pause]…. Sammy.
Anyway, I thought he was the favorite one. He was always the one that I protected first. He was always so fragile and shit. He’s my baby boy, you know ? Don’t get me wrong I always loved Dean, but Dean matured so fast after, I don’t know, his 8th or 9th birthday he became capable of take care of himself and Sammy. Ever since the accident with that fucking Shtriga in Fort Douglas, he changed. And it’s my fault. I lied too much responsibility on his shoulders. I had no right to do it, but I needed. I needed became this hard man and go hunting. I needed revenge. I could not rest ‘till I find that dammed demon that killed my wife… the dammed thing that destroyed my family, my dreams. While I was too blind to see how much my sons needed me, Dean became the father. He took my role. Sometimes, after a hunt, I would go home and drink myself to stupor. He took care of me. He always took me to the bed and covered me. He was the one Sammy would go after a nightmare. Lil’ Sammy always asked to sleep with his older brother after these nightmares. He was his hero after all. Dean didn’t care Sammy wet his bed. He loved his little bro too much. He was the only stable thing Sammy had in his life. And then he grew up. Became a wonderful man. A strong man. Sometimes too strong. He hardly shows his feelings, but you know what, I can see right through his macho attitude. His green eyes show so much emotion. I can read him. I know how fragile he’s inside. He’s desesperaly searching for love. He wants a stable life. A big old house, with a white porch. He wants to get married. He wants kids. He wants me and Sammy get along. He wants a normal family that he would make barbecues at Sunday afternoon and would sit together to eat and talk about how the week went for everybody. He wants normality. Everything I can’t give him. A happy family. But we’re not a happy family. Sammy and I fight for the most stupid things on the face of this earth. He was the one who held us together. The mediator. When Sammy and I buttheads, he was always the one trying to work an agreement, trying to get some peace. Things could be a lot different if I wasn’t so fucking blind. He wouldn’t be here. [pause] Regrets. It’s killing me. I would give up my life to save him. Maybe that’s it. My life for his. I mean, his future holds so much more than mine. He could make his dreams come true. A family. A happy family. My life for his, isn’t a great deal ? [pause]
I have no favorite son.
Pairing: None.
Rating: PG-13. Swearing.
Word Count: 833
Summary: Dean is fighting for his life. Its John's fault, or at least he thinks that. A reflection told by John's Point of view.
Spoilers/Warnings: Spoilers for "In My Time of Dying".
Disclaimer: I don't own either of them.
Author's Note: My first fanfic. I was rewatching "IMToD" and start to think about hows Papa think when he was staring his lifeless son in that hospital bed. English is not my primary language, so bear with me.
He's dying, I can feel it. I'm staring his lifeless body and I can't believe it’s my boy lying in this bed. His eyes are closed. His hands are cold. He’s not moving. He’s struggling to live, but he’s not making. [pause]
My elder son. My elder son is dying. Should be me instead. It hurts so much see him like this. He is so full of life. His cockiness, his snark comments, his courage, his love for his family, his protectiveness over Sammy. [pause]
Sammy...[pause] for the longest time of my life I thought Sammy was my favorite son. He inherited lots of things from Mary. It killed me when he decided to go to college. He didn't want to be like me. 'This excuse of father', he said at that time. Dean standed by
my side. He had such a blind faith in me that amazed me sometimes. Sammy was right. I'm an excuse of father. Never really had time to get around with the parenting thing. Mary was the one that took care of them. The one who told fairy tales to Dean sleep. The one who sang to Sammy 'till he fall asleep in his nursery. She always was the better person on our relationship. Sometimes I wonder why she chose me. Why she married me. Why she loved me. I was happy. I had the perfect wife, two beautiful sons and in a snap of fingers everything shattered. She was dead and I had two sons to raise by myself. I did my best. It’s a shame that it wasn’t much. At least at Sammy’s eyes. But I did what have to be done. I couldn’t pretend that those damn things out there don’t exist. They killed Mary. The only thing I could think was revenge. I had to make my sons soldiers. I had no other choice. You may never get it, but I did for love. I would die if any of them got killed because they didn’t know what’s out there. Okay, I’m getting lost here. What was my last thought? [pause]…. Sammy.
Anyway, I thought he was the favorite one. He was always the one that I protected first. He was always so fragile and shit. He’s my baby boy, you know ? Don’t get me wrong I always loved Dean, but Dean matured so fast after, I don’t know, his 8th or 9th birthday he became capable of take care of himself and Sammy. Ever since the accident with that fucking Shtriga in Fort Douglas, he changed. And it’s my fault. I lied too much responsibility on his shoulders. I had no right to do it, but I needed. I needed became this hard man and go hunting. I needed revenge. I could not rest ‘till I find that dammed demon that killed my wife… the dammed thing that destroyed my family, my dreams. While I was too blind to see how much my sons needed me, Dean became the father. He took my role. Sometimes, after a hunt, I would go home and drink myself to stupor. He took care of me. He always took me to the bed and covered me. He was the one Sammy would go after a nightmare. Lil’ Sammy always asked to sleep with his older brother after these nightmares. He was his hero after all. Dean didn’t care Sammy wet his bed. He loved his little bro too much. He was the only stable thing Sammy had in his life. And then he grew up. Became a wonderful man. A strong man. Sometimes too strong. He hardly shows his feelings, but you know what, I can see right through his macho attitude. His green eyes show so much emotion. I can read him. I know how fragile he’s inside. He’s desesperaly searching for love. He wants a stable life. A big old house, with a white porch. He wants to get married. He wants kids. He wants me and Sammy get along. He wants a normal family that he would make barbecues at Sunday afternoon and would sit together to eat and talk about how the week went for everybody. He wants normality. Everything I can’t give him. A happy family. But we’re not a happy family. Sammy and I fight for the most stupid things on the face of this earth. He was the one who held us together. The mediator. When Sammy and I buttheads, he was always the one trying to work an agreement, trying to get some peace. Things could be a lot different if I wasn’t so fucking blind. He wouldn’t be here. [pause] Regrets. It’s killing me. I would give up my life to save him. Maybe that’s it. My life for his. I mean, his future holds so much more than mine. He could make his dreams come true. A family. A happy family. My life for his, isn’t a great deal ? [pause]
I have no favorite son.