words have failed me
i dont remember the last time i cried; the last time i wept; the last time i convulsed in tears. i tell you what tho... today will go down in history. i'm not doing this because i'm sad. i'm just distressed. i dont know what to do... where am i? why do i exist? why i fail when it really matters but succeed in those tiny things like work and study? i have so many questions... but no answers are forthcoming.
i'll wager we're all on the same page right now. we all know where tim's at and why he's feeling this way and you'd be right; but it's not because she's turned me back, it's that we both have no idea where the wind is taking us.
nothing is curing this dull, dull pain that has overcome me. i fear the future. tomorrow is a big scary closet monster looming in the dank halls of the future. it just makes me ask what it means to love exactly... what is it that makes one feel like one's soul is dancing with hers right in front of your god damned eyes when our eyes connect? when i feel her skin against mine i feel like an electrical charge rushes up my spine and out into the metaphysical realm where my soul resides?
...
...
WHAT AM I DOING SPEAKING LIKE THIS?!?!?
i have no idea what's going on. i'm sounding like a sick, sick little puppy. it's insane. i've usually got so much more control than this. people ask why. people question my feelings for her... most of all she does.
So many worthwhile points have been raised by so many people and here they are in no particular order:
(a) damn you're taking this seriously! do you really want it as bad as it sounds like you do?
(b) there isnt [someone better usually]. they just don't know what to say.
(c) i didnt think you were a hopeless romantic
(d) why do you feel so strongly about me? i dont see it.
all these things have made me think. what do i want? where do i want it all to go? can other people really help us? am i hopeless? am i a romantic? why do i feel like i do? i'll address them now.
(i) can other people help us?
No. Emphatically, no. Noone else can totally understand our situation. Our problem isnt someone other people are involved in. It's me, her and him. Other people confuse things with the whole "you should do x, y or z" or "forget him/her" or "just forget everyone and find someone special at uni". The most they can do is advise. Imperitive advice is bad advice. Advice like "give her space" or "give her time" or "talk to her" is well founded and comes from the heart. The rest doesnt. Asking for help or advice is necessary but one must be extremely careful who they ask for help. The important thing is that we both... that we ALL look after each other's feelings here. We're all people and we're all caught in an extremely stressful and emotionally challenging situation; in the end we must work out what is best for each of us given the situation and act accordingly. What else is logical?
(ii) am i a hopeless romantic?
it's true. i am.
i listen to sappy music, i daydream, i find it hard to express myself fully, i'm unimpressive when it comes to fine speeches and i give myself up for heartbreak. i think that qualifies.
(iii) why do i feel like i do?
all i can think to explain this is say that when i'm with her the world is so very bright. when she speaks i might as well be hearing angels sing and when she moves my world moves with. i can be honest with her; i can talk to her in ways i've never been able to talk to anyone else ever. every moment with her feels so total and so absolute. i'd do anything for her. that's all i know. sometimes i think these things are best left alone, left unconsidered and unquestioned. sometimes things just feel right and when they do... it's best not to overanalyse them; they should be left well alone to grow, to prosper, without being disected. If we disect things like this they become so much less mysterious and thus so much less special. this is one of those things. it hurts to be asked why... i dont have an answer guys. i'm sorry. this is just the way it is.
(iv) what do i want?
this isnt a hard question in the short term. it's true that the long term isnt something i should be thinking about and for that reason alone i dont think about it. i want the chance to be with her. nothing more. to show her what she means to me. that's all.
that was easy, wasn't it? :P
(v) where do i want to go with it all?
wherever the wind takes us i guess. if it happens as i sincerely hope it does then i just want to take it to its limits. people who are as close as she and i don't generally stay apart forever. i guess it's all up to the winds of fate right now.
in summary...
i've been a royal jerk. i've put undue pressure on her and havent been overly helpful to her admittedly painful situation. i wish now that i spent less time talking about me and more time talkin about her or, better still, talking about nothing in particular as long as she's happy. that's what she's needed. i'm sorry i realised this now. i'm sorry i left it so late to realise this babe.... i've failed as a friend over the past week. but i dont think friendships like ours last a week. i've got plenty more chances to improve myself and the way i behave.
i feel like a little tiny fish in the sea.... but let me be the first to say that i mean well... i really do.
i'll wager we're all on the same page right now. we all know where tim's at and why he's feeling this way and you'd be right; but it's not because she's turned me back, it's that we both have no idea where the wind is taking us.
nothing is curing this dull, dull pain that has overcome me. i fear the future. tomorrow is a big scary closet monster looming in the dank halls of the future. it just makes me ask what it means to love exactly... what is it that makes one feel like one's soul is dancing with hers right in front of your god damned eyes when our eyes connect? when i feel her skin against mine i feel like an electrical charge rushes up my spine and out into the metaphysical realm where my soul resides?
...
...
WHAT AM I DOING SPEAKING LIKE THIS?!?!?
i have no idea what's going on. i'm sounding like a sick, sick little puppy. it's insane. i've usually got so much more control than this. people ask why. people question my feelings for her... most of all she does.
So many worthwhile points have been raised by so many people and here they are in no particular order:
(a) damn you're taking this seriously! do you really want it as bad as it sounds like you do?
(b) there isnt [someone better usually]. they just don't know what to say.
(c) i didnt think you were a hopeless romantic
(d) why do you feel so strongly about me? i dont see it.
all these things have made me think. what do i want? where do i want it all to go? can other people really help us? am i hopeless? am i a romantic? why do i feel like i do? i'll address them now.
(i) can other people help us?
No. Emphatically, no. Noone else can totally understand our situation. Our problem isnt someone other people are involved in. It's me, her and him. Other people confuse things with the whole "you should do x, y or z" or "forget him/her" or "just forget everyone and find someone special at uni". The most they can do is advise. Imperitive advice is bad advice. Advice like "give her space" or "give her time" or "talk to her" is well founded and comes from the heart. The rest doesnt. Asking for help or advice is necessary but one must be extremely careful who they ask for help. The important thing is that we both... that we ALL look after each other's feelings here. We're all people and we're all caught in an extremely stressful and emotionally challenging situation; in the end we must work out what is best for each of us given the situation and act accordingly. What else is logical?
(ii) am i a hopeless romantic?
it's true. i am.
i listen to sappy music, i daydream, i find it hard to express myself fully, i'm unimpressive when it comes to fine speeches and i give myself up for heartbreak. i think that qualifies.
(iii) why do i feel like i do?
all i can think to explain this is say that when i'm with her the world is so very bright. when she speaks i might as well be hearing angels sing and when she moves my world moves with. i can be honest with her; i can talk to her in ways i've never been able to talk to anyone else ever. every moment with her feels so total and so absolute. i'd do anything for her. that's all i know. sometimes i think these things are best left alone, left unconsidered and unquestioned. sometimes things just feel right and when they do... it's best not to overanalyse them; they should be left well alone to grow, to prosper, without being disected. If we disect things like this they become so much less mysterious and thus so much less special. this is one of those things. it hurts to be asked why... i dont have an answer guys. i'm sorry. this is just the way it is.
(iv) what do i want?
this isnt a hard question in the short term. it's true that the long term isnt something i should be thinking about and for that reason alone i dont think about it. i want the chance to be with her. nothing more. to show her what she means to me. that's all.
that was easy, wasn't it? :P
(v) where do i want to go with it all?
wherever the wind takes us i guess. if it happens as i sincerely hope it does then i just want to take it to its limits. people who are as close as she and i don't generally stay apart forever. i guess it's all up to the winds of fate right now.
in summary...
i've been a royal jerk. i've put undue pressure on her and havent been overly helpful to her admittedly painful situation. i wish now that i spent less time talking about me and more time talkin about her or, better still, talking about nothing in particular as long as she's happy. that's what she's needed. i'm sorry i realised this now. i'm sorry i left it so late to realise this babe.... i've failed as a friend over the past week. but i dont think friendships like ours last a week. i've got plenty more chances to improve myself and the way i behave.
i feel like a little tiny fish in the sea.... but let me be the first to say that i mean well... i really do.