JOKES!!! and stuff...
I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother
and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her
grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on
Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced
age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would
start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the
ice cream truck hadn't come along.
This bloke walks into a bar with an ostrich and cat. They all sit
down at a table and the man goes to the bar and says,
"A pint of Bitter for myself, a Gin & Tonic for the ostrich and a
Scotch for the cat."
The Barman is a little perplexed but serves the drinks anyway.
Sometime later the ostrich goes to the bar and says,
"A Gin & Tonic for myself, a pint of bitter for the guv'nor and a
whisky for the cat."
The barman is even more bemused but still serves the drinks.
This goes on all evening with the man and the ostrich alternately
buying rounds of drinks, but the cat never does.
By the end of the evening the barman asks the man,
"Look, whats the story? I have to know, why do you have an
ostrich and a cat? And how come the cat never buys a round?"
"Well it's quite a story," says the man. "I was walking down the
road one day when I found a bottle. I uncorked this bottle and a
Genie came out and said, 'Thank you for releasing me, oh
Master, what is your heart's desire? Tell me and it shall be
yours.'
"So I asked for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy."
THIS IS WHAT LOVE IS ALL ABOUT
It was a busy morning, approximately 8:30 am, when an elderly gentleman in his 80's, arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He stated that he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am. I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound. While taking care of his wound, we began to engage in conversation I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I then inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease. As we talked, and I finished dressing his wound, I asked if she would be worried if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now. I was surprised, and asked him. "And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?" He smiled as he patted my hand and said, "She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is." I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought, "That is the kind of love I want in my life." True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be. With all the jokes and fun that are in e-mails, sometimes there are some that come along that have an important message, and this is one of those kind. Just had to share it with you all.
Please share this with someone you care about - I JUST DID.
A bodybuilder picks up a blonde at a bar and takes her home with him. He takes off his shirt, and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have."
The bodybuilder tells her, "That's 100 lb. of dynamite, baby."
He takes off his pants, and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have."
The bodybuilder tells her, "That's 100 lb. of dynamite, baby."
He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The bodybuilder puts his clothes back on and chases after her.
He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was."
"THE PENIS POEM"
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out,
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring,
But now I've got a full-time job,
To find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave,
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes.....
"THE PENIS POEM"
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out,
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring,
But now I've got a full-time job,
To find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave,
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes.....
A MAN IS LYING IN BED IN THE HOSPITAL WITH AN OXYGEN MASK OVER HIS MOUTH. A YOUNG NURSE APPEARS TO SPONGE HIS HANDS AND FEET.
"NURSE", HE MUMBLES FROM BEHIND THE OXYGEN MASK, ARE MY TESTICLES BLACK?"
EMBARRASSED, THE YOUNG NURSE REPLIES,"I DON'T KNOW, I'M ONLY HERE TO WASH YOUR HANDS AND FEET."
HE STRUGGLES AGAIN TO ASK, NURSE, ARE MY TESTICLES BLACK ?"
FINALLY, SHE PULLS BACK THE COVERS, RAISES HIS GOWN, HOLDS HIS PENIS IN ONE HAND AND HIS TESTICLES IN HER OTHER HAND AND TAKES A CLOSE LOOK, AND SAYS, "THERES NOTHING WRONG WITH THEM!"
FINALLY, THE MAN PULLS OFF HIS OXYGEN MASK AND REPLIES, "THAT WAS VERY NICE BUT, ARE... MY... TEST...RESULTS...BACK ?
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin
because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he
goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this
question.
After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son,
after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is
work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?"
So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married
man and experienced in this matter. He queries the
minister and receives the same reply. "Sex is work
and therefore not for the Sabbath!"
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a
man of thousands of years of tradition and knowledge.
The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son,
sex is definitely play."
The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when
so many others tell me sex is work?"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex was work, my
wife would have the maid do it!"
There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been traveling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.
He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again.
Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.
Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it.
He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.
The hottest girl said , "If you fix our car we will do anything you want."
The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.
When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr."
After thinking for a short while he replied, "Could you hold my camel?"
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother
and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her
grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on
Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced
age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would
start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the
ice cream truck hadn't come along.
This bloke walks into a bar with an ostrich and cat. They all sit
down at a table and the man goes to the bar and says,
"A pint of Bitter for myself, a Gin & Tonic for the ostrich and a
Scotch for the cat."
The Barman is a little perplexed but serves the drinks anyway.
Sometime later the ostrich goes to the bar and says,
"A Gin & Tonic for myself, a pint of bitter for the guv'nor and a
whisky for the cat."
The barman is even more bemused but still serves the drinks.
This goes on all evening with the man and the ostrich alternately
buying rounds of drinks, but the cat never does.
By the end of the evening the barman asks the man,
"Look, whats the story? I have to know, why do you have an
ostrich and a cat? And how come the cat never buys a round?"
"Well it's quite a story," says the man. "I was walking down the
road one day when I found a bottle. I uncorked this bottle and a
Genie came out and said, 'Thank you for releasing me, oh
Master, what is your heart's desire? Tell me and it shall be
yours.'
"So I asked for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy."
THIS IS WHAT LOVE IS ALL ABOUT
It was a busy morning, approximately 8:30 am, when an elderly gentleman in his 80's, arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He stated that he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am. I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound. While taking care of his wound, we began to engage in conversation I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I then inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease. As we talked, and I finished dressing his wound, I asked if she would be worried if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now. I was surprised, and asked him. "And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?" He smiled as he patted my hand and said, "She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is." I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought, "That is the kind of love I want in my life." True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be. With all the jokes and fun that are in e-mails, sometimes there are some that come along that have an important message, and this is one of those kind. Just had to share it with you all.
Please share this with someone you care about - I JUST DID.
A bodybuilder picks up a blonde at a bar and takes her home with him. He takes off his shirt, and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have."
The bodybuilder tells her, "That's 100 lb. of dynamite, baby."
He takes off his pants, and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have."
The bodybuilder tells her, "That's 100 lb. of dynamite, baby."
He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The bodybuilder puts his clothes back on and chases after her.
He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was."
"THE PENIS POEM"
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out,
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring,
But now I've got a full-time job,
To find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave,
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes.....
"THE PENIS POEM"
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out,
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring,
But now I've got a full-time job,
To find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave,
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes.....
A MAN IS LYING IN BED IN THE HOSPITAL WITH AN OXYGEN MASK OVER HIS MOUTH. A YOUNG NURSE APPEARS TO SPONGE HIS HANDS AND FEET.
"NURSE", HE MUMBLES FROM BEHIND THE OXYGEN MASK, ARE MY TESTICLES BLACK?"
EMBARRASSED, THE YOUNG NURSE REPLIES,"I DON'T KNOW, I'M ONLY HERE TO WASH YOUR HANDS AND FEET."
HE STRUGGLES AGAIN TO ASK, NURSE, ARE MY TESTICLES BLACK ?"
FINALLY, SHE PULLS BACK THE COVERS, RAISES HIS GOWN, HOLDS HIS PENIS IN ONE HAND AND HIS TESTICLES IN HER OTHER HAND AND TAKES A CLOSE LOOK, AND SAYS, "THERES NOTHING WRONG WITH THEM!"
FINALLY, THE MAN PULLS OFF HIS OXYGEN MASK AND REPLIES, "THAT WAS VERY NICE BUT, ARE... MY... TEST...RESULTS...BACK ?
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin
because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he
goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this
question.
After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son,
after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is
work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?"
So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married
man and experienced in this matter. He queries the
minister and receives the same reply. "Sex is work
and therefore not for the Sabbath!"
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a
man of thousands of years of tradition and knowledge.
The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son,
sex is definitely play."
The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when
so many others tell me sex is work?"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex was work, my
wife would have the maid do it!"
There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been traveling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.
He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again.
Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.
Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it.
He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.
The hottest girl said , "If you fix our car we will do anything you want."
The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.
When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr."
After thinking for a short while he replied, "Could you hold my camel?"