for.4.teen.oh.three.
i have a few questions. and if you think you know the answer to any of them. feel free to comment. even if we rarely talk. i could use the adivce...
why do things happen when you least expect them?
why do things happen when you can least handle them?
why is the timing just never right?
why can't you ever go back to how things used to be?
why can't things happen again?
why is it.
that what feels most right.
is never the "right" thing to do?
>>I shouldn't be jealous. I shouldn't get upset or question you when I hear you were with someone else. I have no right to act that way. However, it still bothers me. Yet, I don't get why? I have others in the past, that I would be like "oh cool, you're with so and so... awesome". But it is different with you. and it always has been.
today. when you told me what kelly said. "oh you do stuff with her also". I shouldn't have questioned you. But for some reason I felt... not jealous per say... but I wanted to know what she meant by "also". Not that it's my business because we are not together. and we haven't been for a long time. But something inside me got hit and I was like in jealous girlfriend mode. and that was just lame of me.
I'm glad that we talked about the past though. I can't believe all this time you had been thinking something else. I didn't get why you told me we could never be together again until I realized what you had thought all these years. And then when you realized that what I did in the past were subconcious things, it wasn't me doing stuff on purpose. You took back your reasons. and you declaration that we could never be together again. and then you kissed me.
but damn it. when you kissed me. it was different. and I don't know if I had just been numb to it before. because I didn't think anything could happen. but it felt like it did in the past. and to be honest. when we first kissed after not being together. it felt like nothing really. i didn't feel anything. not like it used to be. but today. i had to stop because it actually felt so right. and damn it. damn it. damn it.
and then you assured me that nothing would happen between you and her when you were at school come the fall. and when you said that. it felt like something a boyfriend would say. and I was confused. but I was so happy that you said that. so happy.
but really...
why do I do this to myself? why?? why can I suddenly see myself with you again? why?