i look forward to the day that the paparazzi provokes me and i attack them

[twistdmentality]

W: Alright, who can tell me who Christopher Cross is?
B: Discovered America.
W: Close. He did write an iconic chart topper, Sailing.
K: I have a bad feeling about this lesson.
T: Never heard of him. Don't want to hear about him.
W: Now, some people think of the term easy listening as a bad thing but I'm going to let this music speak for itself. You guys love Lady Gaga and The Rolling Stones and you guys are really good about putting it all out there. But really good music can also be controlled and restrained. It doesn't have to attack an audience. It can let them come to you.
F: How can you get caught between the moon and New York City? It's like a hundred miles apart.



K: Mr. Schue, if I may, I think I speak for all of us when I say it's not that we don't love the idea of spending a week on this silky, smooth adult contemporary, it's just that as teens it's not the easiest music for us to relate to. However there is a burgeoning Facebook campaign that has swelled to over five members. The art in demand that this week at the fall homecoming assembly, the McKinley High School Glee Club perform a number by - wait for it - Miss Britney Spears.
A: Yo, Spears is fierce, yo.
W: Sorry. Kurt, Kurt, no. No, no, no. I don't think she's a very good role model.
R: But, Mr. Schue, we kind of grew up with her.
T: She's literally the reason why I wanted to become a performer.



B: I don't wanna do Britney.
K: Why no Britney, Brittany?
B: Because my name is also Britney Spears.
W: W-what?
M: What the hell is she talking about?
B: My middle name is Susan, my last name is Pierce, that makes me Brittany S. Pierce. Brittany Spears. I lived my entire life in Britney Spears's shadow. I will never be as talented or as famous. I hope you will all respect that I want Glee Club to remain a place where I, Brittany S. Pierce, can escape the torment of Britney Spears.
W: Well, there you have it, guys. It's been decided. No Britney. Sorry.
K: Thanks, Brit. Thanks a lot.
S: Leave Brittany alone.
B: Thank you for understanding. It's been a hard road.
R: Um, can we move on?
W: Yes. Let's talk about Michael Bolton.



C: Alright, so here's the deal. You chew this little capsule, now if there's any plaque you missed the dye will stick to it and turn your teeth blue.
S: Can I just say you are the hottest dentist I have ever seen?
C: Yeah, I get that all the time.
S: No like seriously, you can totally drill me whenever-
E: Santana! Okay, let's stay focused.
C: Rock and roll, Ems. And besides this guy, now this guy is pretty easy on the eyes too, huh? You know what? No matter how hard I tried, I bet I couldn't sing and dance like him.
W: Probably not.
C: Alright, let's take a look at those chompers, huh?
K: Before we chew, I would just like to alert Mr. Schue that there's been a new addition to the Britney Spears Facebook campaign.
W: Sorry, the answer to that is still no. Capsules, guys.
E: Yes, chew away. Chew, chew, chew.



F: Ah!
K: Oh my god!
R: What? Ah!
F: It's okay, baby.
R: I don't understand, I floss between classes!
C: Well, sometimes it's genetics.



R: Hey, you alright? You seem a little down. Didn't you like the banana bread I baked you?
F: Yeah, that was awesome.



F: It's just... how do you feel about me not being on the football team anymore?
R: I'm actually kind of happy about it. Now I don't have to fantasize about what song I'd sing at your bedside if you were in a coma.
F: Yeah.



F: I'm just so not cool now, you know?
R: Well, now there's less chance of you running off with some cheerleader.
F: Wait so you want me to feel bad about myself?
R: No, I just... I want to be the only thing that makes you feel good. I'm just trying to be honest.



S: Hey, dwarf. Anyone ever tell you that you dress like one of the bait girls on To Catch A Predator?
B: Also, I'm more talented than you.
R: You could have defended me.
F: Well, Santana has a point. Just trying to be honest.



All my people on the floor / Let me see you dance / Let me see ya / All my people wantin' more / Let me see you dance / I wanna see ya / All my people round and round / Let me see you dance / Let me see ya / All my people in the crowd / Let me see you dance / I wanna see ya / So how would you like a friendly competition / Let's take on the song / It's you and me baby, we're the music / Time to party all night long



W: -making Christopher Cross a Golden Globe, Oscar, and five time Grammy award winner. Brittany?
B: I just like to say from now on, I demand to have every solo in Glee Club.
W: What?
B: When I had my teeth cleaned, I had the most amazing Britney Spears fantasy. I sang and danced better than her. Now I realize what a powerful woman I truly am.
S: I went with her. And I had a Britney fantasy too. Although now that I'm thinking about it I'm not really sure how our fantasies combined. That doesn't make any sense.
K: See, Mr. Schue, I told you. Britney Spears busted our Brit out of her every day fragmented haze of confusion and gave her the confidence to step up and perform.
B: I'm more talented than all of you. I see that clearly now. It's Brittany, bitch.



W: Guys, we're not doing Britney Spears. And that's that.
K: Mr. Schue, you are letting your own personal issues get in the way of something that we are all telling you we really want to do. I mean this club regularly pays tribute to pop culture and Britney Spears is pop culture. To suggest otherwise is-
W: Kurt! I'm done talking about this!
K: Jeez! Let loose a little, would you? Stop being so fricking up tight all the time!
W: Kurt. I'll see you in the principal's office.



W: Hey, Rachel.
R: Hey, Mr. Schue.
W: You all set? You need me to stay with you or anything?
R: No, I've been taking herbal anti-anxiety pills and reading the unauthorized biography of Britney Spears to stay calm. I look forward to the day that the paparazzi provokes me and I attack them.



R: Are you okay? Did you have a cavity or something? Is that candy?
W: I'm fine. Good luck.



Oh baby, baby / Oh baby, baby



Oh baby, baby / How was I supposed to know / That something wasn't right here



Oh baby baby / I shouldn't have let you go / And now you're out of sight, yeah



Show me, how you want it to be / Tell me baby / 'Cause I need to know now oh because



My loneliness is killing me / And I must confess, I still believe



When I'm not with you I lose my mind / Give me a sign / Hit me baby one more time



Oh baby, baby, yeah / Oh baby, baby, yeah



Oh baby, baby / How was I supposed to know / Oh pretty baby / I shouldn't have let you go



I must confess, that my loneliness / Is killing me now / Don't you know I still believe / When I'm not with you I lose my mind / Give me a sign / Hit me baby one more time



C: Rachel. Rachel, wake up. You Glee kids are impossible to work on. You're always moving around when you're under.
R: Is this real life?



F: Hey, take my hoodie. You look cold.
R: It's okay, I'm- wait. You mean you don't like my new look?



F: Don't you think it's a bit much? I mean I think that guy just broke up with his girlfriend over there just so he could stare at you.
R: I'm just doing what you told me. Besides, it's not like when I went all sad clown hooker and put on that ridiculous Grease cat suit. This is just like my regular look with the volume turned up.
A: Oh, baby, you can hit me as many times as you want as long as you got that on.
K: How come all the gay guys always get the hottest chicks?
G: Move it!
G: What?
F: You see what I'm talking about? They're personifying you!
R: Objectifying.



F: Whatever! I... just tell me why it's okay for you to feel safer with me not on the football team but it's not okay for me to feel safer with you in your old reindeer sweaters?
R: Look, I see your point. In order for this relationship to work, we can't control each other. So you have my blessing to rejoin the football team. If you can.



B: It looks like a Jewish cloud.
J: What do you want for her? I'll give you anything. I'll give you my house. I'll kill my parents and I'll give you my house.



S: Well, Rachel, congratulations. Normally you dress like the fantasy of some perverted Japanese business man with a very dark, specific fetish but I actually dig this look. Yay.
R: Thank you!



K: I think what Santana is trying to say, Rachel - though I risk expulsion by saying so - is that it seems like Britney Spears has really helped you blossom. That's all.
W: Wait, Rachel. Is that true? I mean you are sort of dressing differently.
A: Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy!
F: Hey, hey!



R: All I know is that I had a very vivid Britney Spears fantasy at the dentist and since then it made me feel to get out of my own way. I think I've just always been afraid to dress like a pretty girl because I never really felt like one before. Now I realize it's okay to feel that way about yourself every now and then. Maybe that it's a good thing.
B: It's such a good thing. I can't believe it.
S: William, a word.



Q: I was pretty sure Artie's legs don't work.
B: Did you get a leg transplant?
A: Nope, my teammates can push my chair like a battering ram.
F: Yeah, there's no rules against it. We checked.
A: And I have Britney Spears to thank.
B: You're welcome.
A: Britney plus nitrous gave me an amazing idea. And it gave me the nerve to tell Coach Bieste that Finn and I both really want to be on the team.
R: Wait, you're back on the football team?
F: Yeah.
S: Suddenly, you are way hotter to me. Weird.



P: Wait, I don't get it. How come everyone is having Britney Spears fantasies?
A: The nitrous oxide the dentist uses a mild hallucinogen. Studies have proven that induces vivid dreams. Often the last thing the patient thinks of. The subconscious moves to the forefront and since we've all been thinking so much about Britney, it stands to reason.
W: Okay, guys, listen up.
K: Mr. Schue, if I may-
W: Kurt, I overheard what you guys were just talking about and I know what you're gonna say. The answer is no. No, I'm not going to stand in the way anymore. If you guys want to do Britney at this year's homecoming assembly, I'm fine with it.
A: Yes!
W: I know. And more than that, I am going to perform with you. Right?



R: I always thought the boy's locker room would be all sexy but actually it smells like feet in here.
F: Rachel, you can't be in here. You changed back to your old clothes.
R: I just want you to know that I heard everything that you said. And that I respect your needs. And I'll do anything to make you feel safe and happy.
F: Cool.



F: Well, thanks. I've got to go.
R: Wait, h-h-h-... I mean, d-don't you want to make me feel safe and happy too?
F: Well, yeah. Yeah, sure. Wait-wait, do you want me to quit football?



R: Look how am I suppose to trust that you're not just going to stray again? R-remember you're little fling with Brittany and Santana? I do. Alright, l-l-let's face it, Finn. The only way this relationship is going to work is if we're both losers.



F: Okay, c'mere. This is how it's going to happen. I'm going to be quarterback again. Then I'm going to throw a touchdown in our first game and then point to you in the stands so that everybody in the school knows that you're my girlfriend. Alright?
R: That's very romantic but... I don't know.
F: Rachel, you can't ask me to choose between you and football.
R: Well, I am.



Baby, can’t you see / I’m calling / A guy like you / Should wear a warning / You’re dangerous / I’m lovin’ it / Too high / Can’t come down / Losing my head / Spinning ‘round and ‘round / Oh, do you feel me now



With a taste of your lips / I’m on a ride / You're toxic I'm slipping under / With a taste of a poison paradise / I’m addicted to you / Don’t you know that you’re toxic / And I love what you do / Don’t you know that you’re toxic



It’s getting late / To give you up / I took a sip / From my devil's cup / Slowly / It’s taking over me / Too high / Can’t come down / It’s in the air / And it’s all around / Oh, can you feel me now



With a taste of your lips / I’m on a ride / You're toxic I'm slipping under / With a taste of a poison paradise / I’m addicted to you / Don’t you know that you’re toxic / I'm addicted to you / Don't you know that you're toxic / Intoxicate me now / With your lovin' now / I think I'm ready now / I think I'm ready now / Intoxicate me now / With your lovin' now / I think I'm ready / I think I'm ready now

S: It's a Britney Spears sex riot! Run the other way!



F: U.S. History. Crap! I forgot I was taking that.
Q: Congrats, Finn. You're back on the team. I'm head cheerleader again. Some kind of symmetry, don't you think? With all the nastiness between you and I behind us, I think we should be together. We would be a shoe in for Homecoming King and Queen. So what do you say? You and me, eight o'clock, Breadsticks?
F: Look, I would be lying if I said I didn't have feelings for you. Probably always will. But I'm not going to get back together with you. There's someone else and you know who that is. I'm asking you to respect that. I'm sorry.



Q: I said what you wanted me to. He shot me down. So congrats. Looks like he really loves you.



W: Alright- Rachel?
R: I have a song I have prepared for the class.
W: Sorry, Rachel. No Britney. I'm really happy that her music has inspired so many of you. Even if that inspiration was brought about by a dangerous narcotic. I think we've all come to appreciate her music and celebrity so much more this week. But honestly? She's just not us.
K: I'm devastated. I can't believe we only did one Britney number.
R: Well I was actually going to do something from our original assignment last week, adult contemporary, but this is just a little more young adult.
W: Oh. Great, Rachel. Come on, let's hear it.



R: I would like to dedicate this song to my boyfriend, Finn. I was wrong. I shouldn't try to control you. I've just never been this happy before. And I realize that I was trying to hold on to how you were making me feel so much that I was strangling you in my hands like a little bird. I get now that in order for this relationship to work, I have to open up my hands and let you fly free.
B: Finn can fly?
K: Really?
B: Wait, I thought I was the only one getting the solos from now on. Next week I'm going to be performing a musical number by Ke$ha.
M: Shh.



When I was younger / I saw my daddy cry / And curse at the wind / He broke his own heart / As I watched as he tried to reassemble it



And my mama swore / She would never let herself forget / And that was the day that I promised / I'd never sing of love / If it does not exist / But, darling, you are the only exception / You are the only exception / You are the only exception / You are the only exception



I've got a tight grip on reality / But I can't let go of what's in front of me here / I know you're leaving in the morning when you wake up / Leave me of some kind of proof it's not a dream, oh



You are the only exception / You are the only exception / You are the only exception / You are the only exception / You are the only exception / You are the only exception / And I'm on my way to believing / Oh, and I'm on my way to believing





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I ♥ Rachel Berry. Like a lot. Especially in this episode. For completely shallow reasons.