i want him to be eaten by a lion
M: Is it just me or does it feel like we have a real shot at Regionals next month?
A: The Ohio show choir chatrooms have all been buzzing about how Vocal Adrenaline's lost a step.
K: I agree. The judges know all their tricks. And now that we have Jesse, they lost their best performer.
R: You guys have to come to the auditorium. It’s an emergency.
J: I'll be right back.
R: Jesse? What are you doing up there with them?
J: I’ve transferred back to Carmel High, Rachel. I’m sorry that its come to this but you guys were awful to me. You never accepted me, you never listened to my clearly superior ideas.
F: Why are here in our auditorium?
J: The blogs and chatrooms say that we’re finished and that you guys are ripe to topple us. We just wanted to show you a little something that we came up with a few days ago to see if you agree with that assessment.
Oh. Let’s go / Steve walks warily down the street / With his brim pulled way down low / Ain’t no sound but the sound of his feet / Machine guns ready to go / Are you ready hey are you ready for this? / Are you hanging on the edge of your seat? / Out of the doorway the bullets rip / To the sound of the beat yeah / Another one bites the dust / Another one bites the dust / How do you think I’m going to get along / Without you when you’re gone / You took me for everything I had / And kicked me out on my own / Are you happy are you satisfied? / How long can you stand the heat / Our of the doorway the bullets rip / To the sound of the beat look out / Another one bites the dust
G: Thanks for letting us borrow your auditorium guys. It’s quaint.
A: It’s a Carmel High tradition. They psych out the competition a few weeks before the big show. They call it a funkification. Meaning, they show us what they’ve got and we spiral into a deep flat funk.
F: Yeah, yeah. We used to do the same thing to other football teams, you know? Try and get inside their head before the big game. Pull little pranks to intimidate them.
P: Yeah, well the difference was our football team sucked. Those guys are golden.
K: Come on, keep your heads up guys. It’s gonna take more than that to... get us into a funk.
T: I feel so violated. It’s like someone broke into our home.
W: Look, it’s just a lame little prank and the fact that they’re trying to get to us means maybe we got them spooked.
M: Uh-uh, Mr. Schue. They aren’t afraid of anything. That number they did was fantastic. You know which doesn’t make any sense, they had all that equipment, how did they even get in?
S: Well, I gave them all keys. Helped them do a sound check over the weekend. Hey, this way fellas. Let’s punch out this wall here, that’ll open up the space a little bit.
W: Sue, what are you doing?
S: I can’t talk to you now, William. Drafting class is helping me redecorate around here. You see, I have Nationals over the weekend and I expect to return with a comically large first place trophy for which I have absolutely no room in my trophy case. And as soon as you hurry up and lose at Regionals, this choir room will become my official trophy annex. It has to look like Elvis’ Gold Record room at Graceland. Except I’ll be wanting far fewer morbidly obese white women waddling around and crying.
W: Sue, get out of my room.
S: Glee clubbers, for those of you whose hearing has not been damaged from massive doses of accutane, listen up. In a few weeks Glee club will be finished. Now how do I know that? Well I recently checked the odds with my Vegas bookie. He told me that you’re forty to one underdogs at Regionals. You are going to lose and your dreams will be crushed.
W: Sue, can I see your trophy?
S: Sure, Will. Hope and dream.
W: You dropped your trophy, Sue.
S: You know for me trophies are like herpes. You can try to get rid of them but they just keep coming. You know why? Sue Sylvester has hourly flare ups of burning, itchy, highly contagious talent. Enjoy your last few days here. This room is mine.
W: Alright, guys. Today I wanna talk to you about regrets. Who has some?
R: Giving my heart to Jesse just to have it crushed like the stage floor at a performance of Stomp.
Q: Thinking “trust me” was a sensible birth control option.
W: We all have them. I just finalized my divorce. I regret living in a relationship that wasn’t working. Letting her put me in these deep funks and not fighting back.
S: Besides creeping us out why are you telling us this?
W: Because if we lose to Vocal Adrenaline at Regionals, none of are gonna regret it. We will have given it our best shot and we won’t look back. But we will regret letting them get the best of us just before the competition. Which is why we need to hit them back just like they hit us.
Q: So you want us to teepee their choir room?
W: Whatever the better, cooler version of that is. Like, uh, maybe, maybe we should steal their school statue?
K: Their school statue is a giant bronze of a great white shark eating a seal pup. It weighs three tons.
W: Ok, well how about this one?
P: Everyone knows this is gonna come down to me. Revenge. Fear. The merciless infliction of pain. These are my kingdoms. First time I gave a wedgie to a kid I was four years old. Finn and I may still hate each other for some reason but we both know defending the honor of New Directions is going to be our dirty job.
W: Funk. Use it in a sentence. Come on. Rachel?
R: This cheese smells funky.
P: That’s cause it’s fromunda cheese.
R: Shut it, Puckerman!
W: Okay, okay. I was thinking more along the lines of Vocal Adrenaline has sure put us all in the funk.
K: I’m so depressed I’ve worn the same outfit twice this week.
W: What if I told you I knew how we could shove it right back down their throats? New Directions is about to make their funk the P funk. We’re gonna get funked up. The only way to do that is to beat them at Regionals. Vocal Adrenaline has never once done a funk number. They’re a machine, a collective synthesized, soulless beat. Funk is soul meets anger. It’s passion is in its emotion. And Vocal Adrenaline doesn’t perform with any. So you have your assignment, I want you guys to turn McKinley High into Funkytown.
M: You guys can relax, I got this one covered.
W: Cool.
Q: Hold on a second. I want a chance to get funky too.
M: Good one, Quinn, it even sounds funny when you say it.
Q: You said funk was about soul and anger. I have plenty of both. Look at me, look at my life, I’m furious!
M: Let’s be honest, when white people try to be funky you end up with KC and the Sunshine Band.
A: I love Boogie Shoes.
Q: Mercedes' racism aside, I will have something prepared tomorrow.
W: Alright. Quinn goes first.
W: Rachel, can I see you in my office?
W: You seem to be taking this Jesse thing pretty hard.
R: I want him to be eaten by a lion.
W: Jesse cared about you.
R: No he didn’t. Our entire relationship was just some diabolical plan. They knew if they broke my heart close enough to the competition that I’d lose my will to live. And then New Directions would have no chance at winning Regionals. It’s textbook, you destroy the heart of the team’s heart and you destroy the team. Look, if you want to destroy a team you have to break its strongest...
W: Sandy told me how to beat Vocal Adrenaline and now Rachel was inadvertently telling me how to beat my other nemesis. Suddenly, I wasn’t feeling nearly as depressed.
F: Mr. Schue, Puck and I would like to show the class the true meaning of funk. With a little help from our special guest, Mercedes.
P: Fasten your seatbelts, people. It's going to be a funky ride.
Yeah / Can you feel it baby Come on swing it / Come on swing it / Come on swing it / Come on swing it / Yo. It’ about that time / To bring forth the rhythm and the rhyme / I’ma get mine so get yours / I wanna see sweat comin’ out your pores / On the house tip is how I’m swingin’ this / Strictly Hip-Hop boy, I ain’t singin’ this / Bringing this to the entire nation / Black, white, red, brown / Feel the vibration / Come on feel the vibration / It’s such a good vibration / It’s such a sweet sensation / The vibrations good like Sunkist / Many wanna know who done this / Pucky Puck and I’m here to move you / Rhymes will groove you / And I’m here to prove to you / That we can party on the positive side / And pump positive vibes / So come along for the ride / Making you feel the rhythm is my occupation / So feel the vibration / Come on feel the vibration / It’s such a good vibration / It’s such a sweet sensation / Finny D break it down
Finny D’s on the back up / Drug free, so put the crack up / No need for speed / I’m anti D-R-U-G-G-I-E my body is healthy / My rhymes make me wealthy / And the Funky Bunch helps me / To bring you a show with no intoxication / Come on feel the vibration / Yeah / Can you feel it baby / I can too / It’s such a good vibration / It’s such a sweet sensation / It’s such a good vibration
W: Good job, guys, but that’s not funk. I mean the group is called Marky Marky and the Funky Bunch but that is a rap song.
P: A kick butt old school rap song.
A: Does it really matter, Mr. Schue? We were so clinically depressed we’re doing the wrong songs? We’re in a deeper funk than ever.
R: Hello?
J: Meet me out in the parking lot.
G: I hear you’re a Vegan, Berry. The souls of those poor egg fetuses are all on your conscience now. Do it, Jesse. Are you with us or not?
G: Come On Jesse.
G: Do it.
R: Do it. Break it like you broke my heart.
J: I loved you.
R: And now I just keep having nightmares of all of the mothers of all the little baby chicks coming after me for revenge.
P: Oh, this is bull. Finn, Mike, Matt. Come with me.
F: Right on, it’s time for less talking and more punching.
W: Hey, what’s going on?
F: We’re on our way to go all Braveheart on Vocal Adrenaline.
W: No, guys, violence is never the answer.
P: Oh, it is when the question is what’s the best way to mess up that Jesse kid’s face.
K: Mr. Schue, Rachel’s one of us. We’re the only ones who get to humiliate her.
W:No, stop! Get back here and sit down. Look, I know from experience that making someone else suffer doesn’t make your pain go away. You’re all amazing, no matter what Vocal Adrenaline says or does we just need to find a way to remind ourselves of that.
F: We can’t just let Vocal Adrenaline get away with turning Rachel into an omelet.
W: We’re not. Rachel, dial Jesse’s number on your phone.
S: You haven’t deleted his number yet?
W: Jesse St. James? Will Schuester here. You and Vocal Adrenaline need to meet at our auditorium. Friday, three sharp.
R: Thanks for coming. After your brazen escalation of our growing dispute which we were willing to put to rest, we decided the only way to truly funkify you is to show you the one thing we know you can’t do. So enjoy.
Roof off, we’re gonna tear the roof off the mother sucker / Tear the roof off, the sucker / Tear the roof off, we’re gonna tear the roof off the mother sucker / Tear the roof off, the sucker / You’ve got a real type of thing going down, gettin’ down / There’s a whole lot of rhythm going round / You’ve got a real type of thing going down, gettin’ down / There’s a whole lot of rhythm going round.
Ow, we want the funk / Give up the funk / Ow, we need the funk / We gotta have that funk / Ow, we want the funk / Give up the funk / Ow, we need the funk / We gotta have that funk
Na na na na na / Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo, owww / Na na na na na / Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo, owww / We’re gonna turn this mother out / We’re gonna turn this mother out / We’re gonna turn this mother out / We’re gonna turn this mother out
Na na na na na / Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo, owww / You’ve got a real type of thing going down, gettin’ down / There’s a whole lot of rhythm going round / You’ve got a real type of thing going down, gettin’ down / There’s a whole lot of rhythm going round
We want the funk / Give up the funk / We need the funk / We gotta have that funk / We want the funk / Give up the funk / We need the funk / We gotta have that funk / We want the funk / Give up the funk / We need the funk / We gotta have that funk / We want the funk / Give up the funk / We need the funk / We gotta have that funk
P: See you punks at Regionals.
J: They did a funk number. We’ve never been able to pull off a funk number.
G: Well that’s because we’re soulless automatons.
J: I’m so depressed.
I ♥ Rachel Berry