i hear your voice, it's like an angel sighing
R: Can I ask you guys something private?
S: Yes, you should move to Israel.
R: It's about dating. Not that I’m dating anyone. We all know that Finn and I are no longer an item. And for the sake of the team, I broke up with Jesse.
R: But let’s just say I was dating someone. Let’s just say hypothetically, we went to a Wiggles concert last Friday night and because my Dads weren’t home, we went up to my room and started making out. It was erotic and romantic and then he said…
J: We should do it.
R: It?
J: Totally. Haven't you done it before?
R: No. Have you?
J: What do you think? It's no big deal.
R: For a girl it is.
R: What if then he got really crabby and left and didn't even take home the Care Bear I won him playing skeeball?
Q: Would you please stop talking? You're grossing out my baby.
R: I just want to be ready. I know I’m getting older and these things are going to happen someday, but how do I stop a guy from being mad at me for saying no?
S: Just do what I do… never say no.
B: Totally. I mean… what’s the worst that could happen? Sorry Quinn.
M: Look girl, don’t ask me. The last guy I liked was the Mayor of Gay Town. I can’t wait to get a guy mad at me for saying “no".
T: We just have to accept that guys don't care about our feelings. Like the other day, I was walking with Artie...
R: That's got to sting.
W: Hey, guys. I'm sorry to interrupt your little sorority but I couldn't help but overhearing. Are you really having that much boy trouble?
Q: You wouldn't understand, Mr. Schue. You're a guy.
W: Well maybe then you should talk to someone else about it. Like Miss Pillsbury.
R: I tried that.
E: Oh, that’s a hot button topic isn’t it. I mean when to do that. This is the perfect chat to have with your mom.
R: I have two gay dads.
E: Right, right, you.. um… how about your Rabbi?
R: I really don’t feel comfortable talking about this with Rabbi Greenberg. Aren’t you a guidance counselor?
E: Uh…
W: What comes to mind when you see that name?
R: Genius.
K: Icon.
P: Hall of Fame MILF.
W: So, we're all aware of Madonna's musical and cultural significance. Which is why this week your assignment is to come up with a Madonna number.
P: Uh, Mr. Schue, as a dude, Madonna makes me kind of uncomfortable.
F: Yeah, she's smoking and everything but can't some of us do something else. Like the guy version of Madonna? Like, you know, Pantera.
W: Guys, you know, it has come to my attention that many of you haven’t been treating the young ladies of our group very nicely lately. You’re disrespectful, bullying, sexist and, I hate to say it, misogynistic.
F: I have no idea what that means.
B: When I pulled my hamstring, I went to a misogynist.
W: What is means is put yourself in their shoes for a change. Culturally, Madonna's legacy transcends her music because by and large the subtext of her songs are about being strong, independent, and confident. No matter what your sex. And more than anything, Madonna's musical message is about equality. And that is something I think you guys need to work on.
K: Mr. Schue, I don't think we can have an honest conversation about Miss. Ciccone without acknowledging her images are as indelible as her songs. I would like to honor her contributions by tackling a multimedia project with Mercedes.
W: Great! Go for it, Kurt.
P: I'm still not down. No chick intimidates Puckzilla. I just don't think her music translates to show choir.
R: Really? Well, I for one couldn't disagree more.
Come on girls / Do you believe in love? / 'Cause I got something to say about it / And it goes something like this
Don't go for second best baby / Put your love to the test / You know, you know, you've got to / Make him express how he feels / And maybe then you'll know your love is real
You don't need diamond rings / Or eighteen karat gold / Fancy cars that go very fast / You know they never last, no, no / What you need is a big strong hand / To lift you to your higher ground / Make you feel like a queen on a throne / Make him love you till you can't come down
Don't go for second best baby / Put your love to the test / You know, you know, you've got to / Make him express how he feels / And maybe then you'll know your love is real
And when you're gone he might regret it / Think about the love he once had / Try to carry on, but he just won't get it / He'll be back on his knees / So please
Don't go for second best baby / Put your love to the test / You know, you know, you've got to / Make him express how he feels / And maybe then you'll know your love is real
Express yourself / (You've got to make him) / Express himself / Hey, hey, hey, hey / So if you want it right now, make him show you how / Express what he's got, oh baby ready or not
Express yourself
R: Here you go. Finn, I was just coming to find you. Look, I know that the boys are a little uncomfortable about this Madonna assignment so I figured you and I as co-captains could do a little mash-up of a bunch of her songs just to show everyone how cool it can be.
F: Yeah, sure. Whatever.
F: Look, are you still dating that Jesse kid?
R: N-no. W-who told you that?
F: Look, I know things have been weird between us but I never thought you would lie to me.
R: Look, please don't tell anyone.
F: Unbelievable!
R: We may not be together the way Jesse and I are but we can still be friends. I'm asking you as my friend to trust me.
F: Fine. But if this leads to something bad for all of us don't expect any more friendship from me.
R: Noted. Alright, let's rehearse then.
Something in the way you love me won't let me be / I don't want to be your prisoner so baby won't you set me free
Stop playin' with my heart / Finish what you start / When you make my love come down
If you want me let me know / Baby, let it show / Honey, don't you fool around / Don't try to resist me
Open your heart to me, baby / I'll hold the lock and you hold the key
Open your heart to me, darlin' / I'll give you love if you, you turn the key
Something in your eyes is makin' such a fool of me / You're making me, you're making such a fool of me
I see you on the street and you walk on by / You're on the street, I see you and you walk on by
When you hold me in your arms you love me till I just can't see
So you choose to look the other way / Well, I've got something to say
Open your heart to me, baby / I'll hold the lock and you hold the key
Open your heart to me, darlin' / I'll give you love if you, you turn the key
Open your heart, I'll make you love me / I'll hold the lock and you hold the key
Open your heart to me, darlin' / I'll give you love if you, you turn the key
Oooh / Open you heart with the key
R: That-that was good.
F: Totally.
R: Sondheim on Music. Jesse? Is that you?
J: I'm so glad you came.
J: I picked the Stephen Sondheim biography section for a clandestine meeting place because only he would be able to express my melancholia. I feel bad about what happened at your house. Do you still have my Care Bear?
R: Yes.
R: Since we're meeting in the shadows there's something I wanted to talk to you about.
J: Me first. I was out of line the other night. You deserve more than that. You deserve romance. No, you deserve epic romance.
J: I feel badly that I pressured you into, you know, going all the way. I'm willing to wait. You tell me when you're ready. And I'll make sure that I'm fastidiously groomed.
J: What did you want to tell me?
R: I'm ready.
J: Are you ready?
I made it through the wilderness / Somehow I made it through / Didn't know how lost I was / Until I found you / I was beat incomplete / I'd been had, I was sad and blue / But you made me feel / Yeah, you made me feel / Shiny and new
Like a virgin / Touched for the very first time / Like a virgin / When your heart beats / Next to mine
Gonna give you all my love, boy / My fear is fading fast / Been saving it all for you / 'Cause only love can last
You're so fine and you're mine / Make me strong, yeah you make me bold / Oh your love thawed out / Yeah, your love thawed out / What was scared and cold
Like a virgin / Touched for the very first time / Like a virgin / When your heart beats / Next to mine / Like a virgin, ooh, ooh / Like a virgin / Feels so good inside
When you hold me, when your heart beats, when you love me / Ooh, yeah / Like a virgin
J: Rachel?
R: I'm ready.
F: Hey.
R: Hi.
F: So how did your date with Jesse go Friday night?
R: It went wonderfully.
R: Honestly, it wasn't that big of a deal. I-I mean, you know, it-it was great but when it was over I just, um, you know, didn't know why I was so nervous in the first place.
J: Just come out so we can talk. Or sing about it.
R: Look, Jesse, I really like you but... I can't do it. It wouldn't be right for... the team.
J: What does the team have to do with this?
R: If I give myself to you knowing that my teammates wouldn't approve it would be like I was sleeping with the enemy. I'd be betraying them. And because I'm truly not ready to do this, I'd be betraying myself.
F: I'm happy for you.
R: And, uh, what about you? I heard that you had a date with Santana on Friday night.
F: Yeah, I couldn't go through with it.
R: Why?
F: I guess I'm just waiting for the right person.
S: Do you think they have room service in this place because I really want a burger.
F: I thought I'd feel different after.
S: Yeah, well, I noticed that it takes about twenty or so times before the feeling of accomplishment really kicks in. There's no menu so you're going to have to take me to a burger joint. How do you feel?
F: I don't feel anything. Because it didn't mean anything.
F: What the hell! It seems like now everyone is doing things just to hurt my feelings.
J: I thought you all would take this news a little better. I'm a star. You can learn from me.
K: We're already fighting for second leads and now that you've shown up, I have lost all hope at ever getting a solo.
M: Yeah, that's right. And y'all just trot me out at the end of every number so I can wail on the last note. How is that okay?
S: He's a spy, Mr. Schue. I would know.
W: Whoa, whoa, guys. I saw the paperwork. I spoke with his parents-
J: They winter in Bali. It's a very expensive phone call.
W: Jesse just moved in with his uncle. Which is in our school district. It's all above board, guys. He goes to this school now.
A: But this isn't fair.
W: Guys! Everyone who has ever auditioned for this group has gotten in. That's how we do things here, okay? To suddenly change the rules now? That would be unfair. Brittany.
B: Mr. Schue, is he your son?
R: I don't understand why you're doing this.
J: Because when you love something you gotta go for it. You would never be with me completely if I were on the opposing team. And I care about you more than winning another national title. So, I left Vocal Adrenaline. For you.
W: Alright, guys, we got a lot of work to do. Jesse, great to have you here. Welcome aboard. Okay from the top.
F: Hey.
R: If you're going to criticize and mock me again about Jesse, you can, can it.
F: I wanted to apologize. The only reason you were even open to dating Jesse was because I was such an ass.
F: Mr. Tough Guy and all that. I really liked you. And I could have had you but I blew it.
R: You really liked me?
J: Okay, Finn. I know we have a big showdown coming so let's just decide on the arena. Sing off, the parking lot, five o'clock, be there.
R: No.
F: Welcome to New Directions. Frankly, I need you. I'm tired of carrying the male vocals all by myself.
F: I'll do my best to stay away from your girl.
J: I appreciate that. She's a keeper.
F: Walk with me to the auditorium. I put together a new Madonna number. I'll talk you through it on the way.
Life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone / I hear you call my name / And it feels like home
When you call my name it's like a little prayer / I'm down on my knees, I wanna take you there
In the midnight hour I can feel your power / Just like a prayer you know I'll take you there
I hear your voice, it's like an angel sighing
I have no choice, I hear your voice / Feels like flying / I close my eyes, Oh God I think I'm falling / Out of the sky, I close my eyes / Let the choir sing
When you call my name it's like a little prayer / I'm down on my knees, I wanna take you there
In the midnight hour I can feel your power / Just like a prayer you know I'll take you there
Just like a prayer, I'll take you there / It's like a dream to me
Just like a prayer, your voice can take me there / Just like a muse to me, you are a mystery
Just like a dream, you are not what you seem / Just like a prayer, no choice your voice can take me there
I ♥ Rachel Berry