Rollercoaster
I am aware that posting twice in 2 days is secretly the return of Freshman Year Leslie. However, it amazes me how an attitude can turn around in 24 hours. Here's why:
- Brian left this morning. He'll be on travel for 2 weeks. While we've been apart for much longer than that, I just feel like I'm about to lose the best part of my day at a time when I need him most.
- We finally replaced the batteries in the scale, and holyyyyyy shit. The worst of it is, I don't feel any fatter, and I don't LOOK any fatter. I just know that every morning I go to get dressed, and my clothes won't fit. Even my fat clothes are starting to look less than flattering. I am panicking, because I remember how hard it was to lose weight the last few successful times I dieted, and it's HARD. I'll start doing my food journal again, and will probably do one of those herbal/berry cleanse things that work so well for me. I was doing a mile a day on the treadmill, but ONE night out with friends brought the whole routine crashing down. I'm determined to get back on today, but I'm afraid. Afraid of what, I don't even know.
- I am drowning in work as badly as I was during grad school. The first two years of teaching, my mantra was "it's your first year, things are supposed to be this shitty. You'll have a social life and free time next year." And yet, this year, not so much. If I don't put in 12-14 hour days, I can't even stay consistently behind. Forget about being caught up, because that won't happen until June. It's to the point now where it's not even a challenge. It's not a chance to show everyone (including myself) that I am incredible and can do any and all tasks needed. Now, it's to the point where I saw this 3-day weekend as a blessing, because I simply cannot get all of the extra work done over a regular, 2-day weekend. When I found out (on Friday afternoon) that Brian was leaving this morning, my work ethic went out the window. Now, even if I worked non-stop until I finished, I would probably be late to school...and that's without eating, sleeping, or exercising.
My old solution to stress was sleep. When sleep wasn't an option due to time limits, I switched to stress-eating. Now that my insane fatness is a separate but equally compelling source of stress, that's not an option either. I should turn to fitness, but I'm afraid that after 3 days of not exercising, that's going to make me more unhappy than happy.
I am panicked and sad, all at the same time. Wah.
- Brian left this morning. He'll be on travel for 2 weeks. While we've been apart for much longer than that, I just feel like I'm about to lose the best part of my day at a time when I need him most.
- We finally replaced the batteries in the scale, and holyyyyyy shit. The worst of it is, I don't feel any fatter, and I don't LOOK any fatter. I just know that every morning I go to get dressed, and my clothes won't fit. Even my fat clothes are starting to look less than flattering. I am panicking, because I remember how hard it was to lose weight the last few successful times I dieted, and it's HARD. I'll start doing my food journal again, and will probably do one of those herbal/berry cleanse things that work so well for me. I was doing a mile a day on the treadmill, but ONE night out with friends brought the whole routine crashing down. I'm determined to get back on today, but I'm afraid. Afraid of what, I don't even know.
- I am drowning in work as badly as I was during grad school. The first two years of teaching, my mantra was "it's your first year, things are supposed to be this shitty. You'll have a social life and free time next year." And yet, this year, not so much. If I don't put in 12-14 hour days, I can't even stay consistently behind. Forget about being caught up, because that won't happen until June. It's to the point now where it's not even a challenge. It's not a chance to show everyone (including myself) that I am incredible and can do any and all tasks needed. Now, it's to the point where I saw this 3-day weekend as a blessing, because I simply cannot get all of the extra work done over a regular, 2-day weekend. When I found out (on Friday afternoon) that Brian was leaving this morning, my work ethic went out the window. Now, even if I worked non-stop until I finished, I would probably be late to school...and that's without eating, sleeping, or exercising.
My old solution to stress was sleep. When sleep wasn't an option due to time limits, I switched to stress-eating. Now that my insane fatness is a separate but equally compelling source of stress, that's not an option either. I should turn to fitness, but I'm afraid that after 3 days of not exercising, that's going to make me more unhappy than happy.
I am panicked and sad, all at the same time. Wah.