Shyness can stop you from doing the things in life you'd like to.
I feel like I constantly need to impress the people around me, and the less I do that, the more pressure I feel. And, in case you know absolutely nothing about me, I'm prettymuch not impressive AT ALL when I'm stressed. Vicious cycle? I'd have to say yes.
I was a really pushy pain in the ass to my presentation group last week. Now, let's give a little background info on said group: 1. Jean marie: Middle-aged French man. Good heart, funny, super endearing. Obviously teaches French. 2. Minna: Non-native French teacher. My age. Sarcastic humor. Attached to Blackberry, which she only gives up to use laptop. 3. Thomas: German man pushing 30. Must be first person in the room to answer any given question, even when he is not the expert on a given subject. Is so literal that it is sometimes physically painful to be in his presence.
I am a pushy bitch and insist that we do it my way, so that we do not look disorganized and foolish, because we all have utterly different styles and approaches. We put together a lesson plan as a group. I then go home and type up said lesson plan, specifying who leads which part, what that part entails, and appx how many minutes will be spent on each activity. I also make a person-by-person to do list as well as a to bring list. Everyone says the plan looks good. Jean marie does exactly what asked. Minna does absolutely nothing. Thomas ignores my advice, brings entirely the wrong materials in the wrong combinations, and generally listens to nothing that is going on, because he apparently did not read anything I sent him (even though he said he did). Everyone is totally confused, but I am extremely self-conscious of being a pushy bitch (which is not put at ease by Jean marie's constant teasing). I decide to shut my mouth and have faith in the teaching abilities of my cohorts. Minna asks us to show up between 4:30 and 5, almost an hour early, to organize. Class starts at 5:30. No Minna. We wrap up leftover notes from last week. No Minna. Our presentation is due to start in 15 minutes. No Minna. Presentation is due to start in 5 minutes. No Minna. We realize that actually, she was only in charge of the powerpoint, but we can manage without her because we were all smart enough to bring backup materials. Minna shows up right before we're due to start....without a laptop. She borrows the professor's laptop, opens her powerpoint (that was to be a collaboration of the input of all four group members)...and has not changed a thing since last Wednesday. Minna did not talk to Thomas, which makes it prettymuch impossible for me to effectively teach my part.
After all that, the presentation was every bit as disorganized and atrocious as I was dreading it would be. Point of the story, not only was I a bitch, but my whole reason for being a bitch in the first place totally manifested itself. I was so frustrated and angry that I literally ranted at Brian on the phone for almost 40 minutes straight. And, what feels worst of all, my classmates now think I'm a shitty teacher.
Please keep in mind that this was not by any means the low point of my week.
I am behind in Action Research (i.e. thesis work). Although I have been working as hard as everyone else, the timing of my project lends itself to be started much later. It's due in a month, and I haven't actually done any of the data collection yet. I already have an extention, but I really, REALLY don't want to use it if I don't have to. That means, however, that I need to work extra hard now so that I am not desperately flinging random shit together in three weeks and praying they let me graduate. Sooo I need to revise a 10-15 page section of my paper, and then write another 5-10 pages. Maybe more. Within a week.
My kids have been in the middle of crazy middle school standardized testing for two weeks. When they're not testing, they watch a lot of movies. This plan was cool for about a day and a half. After eight days like this, we're all going absolutely batshit crazy. I'm ultra lethargic from doing nothing, and stir crazy from knowing how much needs to be done and not being able to do it. Unfortunately, in three weeks (we had spring break) I have gotten rusty on my "how to efficiently grade/lesson plan" skillz. So not only am I anxious about that stuff, but it's on top of getting my thesis done and done right, because the two are connected for the next 2.5 weeks.
I have three classes. One is thesis class (see above). The other two classes have seriously time-consuming final projects that our professors have been warning us about for months...and there's nothing we can do about it. The exact requirements of the projects are still not quite accessible, and it's driving me crazy. Sitting down and writing a thesis in a weekend? Not happening for me. Sitting down and doing major lesson planning that is linked to an annotated bibliography? Oh, hey wow, a supermini thesis. That's two days of solid work. I can handle that. What I can't handle is knowing I have three major projects looming, and can't pick them off one-by-one. I just have to sit here continuing to dread all of them.
I'm on a "wellness team" at school. We're prettymuch playing the biggest loser, which is AWESOME...except that I have zero time to cook. If it doesn't come out of a can, a box, or a drive-thru, I haven't eaten it in weeks. This is sometimes great for my waistline, because Slim Fast is both cheap and portable, but is sometimes terrible, because Taco Bell is also cheap and portable. I feel guilty, because one of my team members looks amazing. The rest of us are bringin' her down, and I feel terrible.
The keystone to my little bridge of stress is Brian. Now, you've read my essay, and you're probably like "damn Leslie, your life's not that hard, shut up." Imagine hearing about this same shit every. single. day. Often for over an hour. One of my favorite parts of my relationship with Brian is that I can be very, very honest with him...always. One of the hardest parts of my relationship with Brian is that, when I'm unhappy, I can't not tell him about it. So, needless to say, I've been less than pleasant to be around. And, while he doesn't complain, he's been getting less and less engaged in our (admittedly repetitive) conversations. Fine. The problem is, when he's not here, I feel bad about complaining, and when he is here, I feel like I have to make up for my misery. So I try really hard to be pretty and upbeat, but I end up being so stressed about trying to be a good girlfriend that I act crazier than ever...which I cannot imagine does anything positive for my looks. On top of everything else, he wants to spend more time doing things that aren't sitting in Kensington. Can't blame him. The problem is, I'm batshit crazy right now, and dying for support and cuddling and a break from my workload. So, tension.
Today might have been the start of a turnaround for me, though. I hope. I didn't eat too badly, I got a ton of work done, and I think I know how to tackle my paper in the least miserable way possible. Small victories = big relief. I just hope the sacrifices I'm making are not too great a trade for the success I'm finding. Ho hum.
I was a really pushy pain in the ass to my presentation group last week. Now, let's give a little background info on said group: 1. Jean marie: Middle-aged French man. Good heart, funny, super endearing. Obviously teaches French. 2. Minna: Non-native French teacher. My age. Sarcastic humor. Attached to Blackberry, which she only gives up to use laptop. 3. Thomas: German man pushing 30. Must be first person in the room to answer any given question, even when he is not the expert on a given subject. Is so literal that it is sometimes physically painful to be in his presence.
I am a pushy bitch and insist that we do it my way, so that we do not look disorganized and foolish, because we all have utterly different styles and approaches. We put together a lesson plan as a group. I then go home and type up said lesson plan, specifying who leads which part, what that part entails, and appx how many minutes will be spent on each activity. I also make a person-by-person to do list as well as a to bring list. Everyone says the plan looks good. Jean marie does exactly what asked. Minna does absolutely nothing. Thomas ignores my advice, brings entirely the wrong materials in the wrong combinations, and generally listens to nothing that is going on, because he apparently did not read anything I sent him (even though he said he did). Everyone is totally confused, but I am extremely self-conscious of being a pushy bitch (which is not put at ease by Jean marie's constant teasing). I decide to shut my mouth and have faith in the teaching abilities of my cohorts. Minna asks us to show up between 4:30 and 5, almost an hour early, to organize. Class starts at 5:30. No Minna. We wrap up leftover notes from last week. No Minna. Our presentation is due to start in 15 minutes. No Minna. Presentation is due to start in 5 minutes. No Minna. We realize that actually, she was only in charge of the powerpoint, but we can manage without her because we were all smart enough to bring backup materials. Minna shows up right before we're due to start....without a laptop. She borrows the professor's laptop, opens her powerpoint (that was to be a collaboration of the input of all four group members)...and has not changed a thing since last Wednesday. Minna did not talk to Thomas, which makes it prettymuch impossible for me to effectively teach my part.
After all that, the presentation was every bit as disorganized and atrocious as I was dreading it would be. Point of the story, not only was I a bitch, but my whole reason for being a bitch in the first place totally manifested itself. I was so frustrated and angry that I literally ranted at Brian on the phone for almost 40 minutes straight. And, what feels worst of all, my classmates now think I'm a shitty teacher.
Please keep in mind that this was not by any means the low point of my week.
I am behind in Action Research (i.e. thesis work). Although I have been working as hard as everyone else, the timing of my project lends itself to be started much later. It's due in a month, and I haven't actually done any of the data collection yet. I already have an extention, but I really, REALLY don't want to use it if I don't have to. That means, however, that I need to work extra hard now so that I am not desperately flinging random shit together in three weeks and praying they let me graduate. Sooo I need to revise a 10-15 page section of my paper, and then write another 5-10 pages. Maybe more. Within a week.
My kids have been in the middle of crazy middle school standardized testing for two weeks. When they're not testing, they watch a lot of movies. This plan was cool for about a day and a half. After eight days like this, we're all going absolutely batshit crazy. I'm ultra lethargic from doing nothing, and stir crazy from knowing how much needs to be done and not being able to do it. Unfortunately, in three weeks (we had spring break) I have gotten rusty on my "how to efficiently grade/lesson plan" skillz. So not only am I anxious about that stuff, but it's on top of getting my thesis done and done right, because the two are connected for the next 2.5 weeks.
I have three classes. One is thesis class (see above). The other two classes have seriously time-consuming final projects that our professors have been warning us about for months...and there's nothing we can do about it. The exact requirements of the projects are still not quite accessible, and it's driving me crazy. Sitting down and writing a thesis in a weekend? Not happening for me. Sitting down and doing major lesson planning that is linked to an annotated bibliography? Oh, hey wow, a supermini thesis. That's two days of solid work. I can handle that. What I can't handle is knowing I have three major projects looming, and can't pick them off one-by-one. I just have to sit here continuing to dread all of them.
I'm on a "wellness team" at school. We're prettymuch playing the biggest loser, which is AWESOME...except that I have zero time to cook. If it doesn't come out of a can, a box, or a drive-thru, I haven't eaten it in weeks. This is sometimes great for my waistline, because Slim Fast is both cheap and portable, but is sometimes terrible, because Taco Bell is also cheap and portable. I feel guilty, because one of my team members looks amazing. The rest of us are bringin' her down, and I feel terrible.
The keystone to my little bridge of stress is Brian. Now, you've read my essay, and you're probably like "damn Leslie, your life's not that hard, shut up." Imagine hearing about this same shit every. single. day. Often for over an hour. One of my favorite parts of my relationship with Brian is that I can be very, very honest with him...always. One of the hardest parts of my relationship with Brian is that, when I'm unhappy, I can't not tell him about it. So, needless to say, I've been less than pleasant to be around. And, while he doesn't complain, he's been getting less and less engaged in our (admittedly repetitive) conversations. Fine. The problem is, when he's not here, I feel bad about complaining, and when he is here, I feel like I have to make up for my misery. So I try really hard to be pretty and upbeat, but I end up being so stressed about trying to be a good girlfriend that I act crazier than ever...which I cannot imagine does anything positive for my looks. On top of everything else, he wants to spend more time doing things that aren't sitting in Kensington. Can't blame him. The problem is, I'm batshit crazy right now, and dying for support and cuddling and a break from my workload. So, tension.
Today might have been the start of a turnaround for me, though. I hope. I didn't eat too badly, I got a ton of work done, and I think I know how to tackle my paper in the least miserable way possible. Small victories = big relief. I just hope the sacrifices I'm making are not too great a trade for the success I'm finding. Ho hum.