Cumpleanos Feliz?
i've been trying for a month, in vain, to write a 15 page paper. I've done the research, taken a zillion notes, and written the outline. I can see the little shimmers of brilliance when I look over the pieces I have. I can almost see how they come together to create something really put-together and clever. And yet, every time I start writing, I look like an idiot. Damnit.
So, after writing three paragraphs, I'm taking a break.
I got to thinking about my life the other day, and about where I was at this time last year. 21 was probably the best year of my life so far. 22 has not been the best year, but has definitely been one of the most important. Other ranked years of my life include:
-the first one, when I came into existance
-age 4, when i got KJ
-age 9, when my dad died
-age 14, when i learned about boys and lying
-age 17, when i got a driver's licence
-age 18, when i realized that college was freaking impossible and everyone is a flake. i also lost 30 pounds, fell in love, and made a few friends for life (hi copa!), and decided that college is okay after all.
-age 20, when i went to Spain and grew up a lot
-age 21, when i fell in love again in a totally new (and healthier) way
since my last birthday, I've graduated college, stayed my first summer away from home, started grad school, had 63 children all at once, and gained 10 pounds. I've also gotten a grip on long-distance relationships, which are damn hard but pretty rewarding, and have started understanding the way my curves fit together, even if they are a bit more voluminous than I'd ideally choose. I feel like what I'm doing this year is important and relevant and really challenging. And, though I've at times wanted to, I haven't died yet. Awesome.
However, though I'm growing up and shit, I'm pretty sad that I'm not having a kid's birthday. I do this to myself every year, and have since I was 16. I start thinking about my birthday right after Christmas, decide that I'll be busy and it's not that big of a deal, plan nothing, don't bug anyone about it....and then, like, a week before my actual birthday I start wishing I'd said something. Brian and I will go out to dinner like we did last year, and it'll be lovely, and then we'll come home and cuddle and go to sleep. Woooo. Not that it won't be wonderful, because it will, but especially this year I feel like I used to have a lot of friends, and now maybe I just don't. I don't really think I have time. It's not like I now have a list of enemies or something instead, but I feel sorta isolated from everyone but Brian. I kinda really want to have a party, with dorky hats and drinking and a lot of people milling around and munching on doritos or something. I want an Ellie cake that Sam decorates in the laundry room while she thinks I'm not looking. I want Lauren to be laughing at the rest of us cuz we're so odd. I want a lot of my different groups of friends to get over the fact that they don't really know each other, and show up because they love me. Maybe next year, though : /
Liz should hopefully be coming down, though, now that she's back in the country. That should be totally awesome, even if we just do a double-date sort of thing. Also, I've sorta started dropping IMs to people as I see them online, wondering what they're up to Saturday night. I don't even know where we'd go, because I don't think my roomate would let me have that many people over, but even just sitting around somewhere having a nice, relaxed time would be wonderful. *Sigh*
This ends my emo tangent. The point of the story is that next Christmas, someone should remind me to plan myself a birthday party, because I'm going to want one even if I pretend that I'm a grownup and I don't. Whoops :)
...okay, back to the paper.
So, after writing three paragraphs, I'm taking a break.
I got to thinking about my life the other day, and about where I was at this time last year. 21 was probably the best year of my life so far. 22 has not been the best year, but has definitely been one of the most important. Other ranked years of my life include:
-the first one, when I came into existance
-age 4, when i got KJ
-age 9, when my dad died
-age 14, when i learned about boys and lying
-age 17, when i got a driver's licence
-age 18, when i realized that college was freaking impossible and everyone is a flake. i also lost 30 pounds, fell in love, and made a few friends for life (hi copa!), and decided that college is okay after all.
-age 20, when i went to Spain and grew up a lot
-age 21, when i fell in love again in a totally new (and healthier) way
since my last birthday, I've graduated college, stayed my first summer away from home, started grad school, had 63 children all at once, and gained 10 pounds. I've also gotten a grip on long-distance relationships, which are damn hard but pretty rewarding, and have started understanding the way my curves fit together, even if they are a bit more voluminous than I'd ideally choose. I feel like what I'm doing this year is important and relevant and really challenging. And, though I've at times wanted to, I haven't died yet. Awesome.
However, though I'm growing up and shit, I'm pretty sad that I'm not having a kid's birthday. I do this to myself every year, and have since I was 16. I start thinking about my birthday right after Christmas, decide that I'll be busy and it's not that big of a deal, plan nothing, don't bug anyone about it....and then, like, a week before my actual birthday I start wishing I'd said something. Brian and I will go out to dinner like we did last year, and it'll be lovely, and then we'll come home and cuddle and go to sleep. Woooo. Not that it won't be wonderful, because it will, but especially this year I feel like I used to have a lot of friends, and now maybe I just don't. I don't really think I have time. It's not like I now have a list of enemies or something instead, but I feel sorta isolated from everyone but Brian. I kinda really want to have a party, with dorky hats and drinking and a lot of people milling around and munching on doritos or something. I want an Ellie cake that Sam decorates in the laundry room while she thinks I'm not looking. I want Lauren to be laughing at the rest of us cuz we're so odd. I want a lot of my different groups of friends to get over the fact that they don't really know each other, and show up because they love me. Maybe next year, though : /
Liz should hopefully be coming down, though, now that she's back in the country. That should be totally awesome, even if we just do a double-date sort of thing. Also, I've sorta started dropping IMs to people as I see them online, wondering what they're up to Saturday night. I don't even know where we'd go, because I don't think my roomate would let me have that many people over, but even just sitting around somewhere having a nice, relaxed time would be wonderful. *Sigh*
This ends my emo tangent. The point of the story is that next Christmas, someone should remind me to plan myself a birthday party, because I'm going to want one even if I pretend that I'm a grownup and I don't. Whoops :)
...okay, back to the paper.