Sometimes I just wish time would die
I'm scared. I'm dead scared. I'm to the point I CANNOT sleep. I'm afraid today would be my last day as his 'girlfriend'...if you can call it that. I don't want tomorrow to come, I dread the night. It's at night when I ache the most. My stitching to my broken heart busts wide open and I bleed..I cry miserably until my head pounds with dehydration. And all I can think about is him. How much I love him, want this to work, am willing to work myself to the bone, bleed eternally just to make this work. I'm willing to go that far. I'm willing to work myself to death to make it work. Because, yes, love...relationships are hard. They aren't always going to be fun and games. And we will bitch eachother out and say things we don't mean, and thats healthy. But, the heartwrenching pain we'll struggle all day will be worth it in the end when we can hug, and heal. I do that every day..but there is no hug for me. There is no healing. The nightmares are getting worse. There always about him. I can't remember most of them, but they're bad enough I wake in sweat, screaming, crying out, and plain crying. I don't wanna lose him, but what if he's already gone. I can't do it. He's connected to me, and with him gone..there's a void. Empty time I cannot fill. Sometimes I wish time would die. And the saddest part is I love him so much, and if this is the way it has to be..then so be it. This is the way I'll live, because damnit...I love him that much. And maybe if somehow..he could just lay with me, reach his toes from underneath the blanket or across the bed and caress my foot, I'd know..that he agreed. Agreed to work at it, to try, to love, and agreed that everything I believed, all my dreams of us..were real. If only his foot would touch mine from underneath the kitchen table, rub for a few quiet moments have visual eye contact..then we would never have to say a word. If he could just hold me close, love me. Just hold me...just heal me. I'd be ok. If only, and I love him. I always have, always will. No matter how hard I try I cannot hate him. I've tried techniques to stop from caring about him, but I've fallen in love. I've been mad in love for over a year and a half. There's no stopping it. It's constant it's flowing..and it's causing my heart to constantly break. And if this continues on this way..I'll always have a broken heart, and my heart will always be breaking. And dear God, he is worth it.
Twist
Twist