Wall of Text. Christmas 2013
I need to chronicle this for sanity and to help me remember how shit went down later on. I apologize for bringing a shit ton of depressing crap into your life this close to Christmas.
My parents have cancelled Christmas this year. Apparently for the last couple of months my dad has been refusing to see the doctor for a wound on his good leg (if you remember, he had to amputate one of his legs from the knee down back in 2012). Well, yesterday he woke up unable to put any pressure on his good leg. He hoisted himself into his wheelchair and basically just waited around until my mum came home from work. Then they called an ambulance, and now he's in the hospital with both legs amputated.
I don't know how long he'll stay in the hospital this time, but probably until over New Year's, at least.
I got these news very late last night, my mum apparently left the hospital at midnight, and he still hadn't been taken up to his room at that time, so.
I had to go to work today with all of this churning through my head, it's been a hell of a day.
Not to worry, though. I had a long, really good talk with my mum on the phone after work (it's probably the best talk we've ever had, which sounds completely ridiculous, but I think it's true). She is in pretty good spirits all things considered. I'll go see them both tomorrow.
Anyway, my mum is mostly just really angry with my dad. Which I completely understand. I feel angry too. More angry and frustrated than sad, really. It's a fucked up situation, but we'll do what we can.
My mum wants to sell the house, which really helped me feel better about the situation. It's been the elephant in the room in our family for so long. I don't want to inherit the house, I've been dreading this talk for forever, but the very first thing my mum said to me on the phone today was "We're selling the house", and I was just so relieved. Their house is not wheelchair accessible in any way shape or form, so getting a new apartment would be a much easier option than fixing up the house to make it accessible.
The only thing I'll miss about the house is the memory of my grandparents, but thankfully those memories won't disappear when the house goes (and selling the house will take a long time anyway, it's not done in a month or two, so...).
I feel a little shitty for being excited about getting rid of the house, but hey.
My mum also told me to please go spend my Christmas in Amsterdam as planned, and she told me not to worry about her or dad. She'll spend Christmas with her sister and their family, my dad wanted her to do that. My dad is probably extremely depressed and fucked up, but I can't even begin to deal with that right now. Most likely he's been depressed for a good while. I have suggested for my mum that they should look into finding him someone to talk to once we figure out his situation after this hospital stay, so at least that's out there ... though considering his reaction when I told him back in upper secondary school that I was seeing a school psychiatrist ... I don't think he's all that open to the idea, BUT HE NEEDS FUCKING HELP, SO TOUGH SHIT, I GUESS.
I don't know. I was nervous and sad about this piece of news all day, but having talked it over, I don't really worry about any of it anymore. I'm not sure what that says about me.
I feel I should mention that I don't have a great relationship with my parents. They live 20 minutes away, but we meet up maybe every three months or so. I talk to them on the phone maybe once a month? I don't know, we don't have anything in common, I don't agree with their life style choices, the house and their situation makes me depressed, and going there triggers my panic attacks. I feel like they never bothered getting to know the person I grew into, and they are in many ways still treating me like a little kid. Except when heavy shit like this happens. That's pretty much the only time we ever function as a family. Emergency situations and holidays. We are super special.
I recently read a quote somewhere that kids growing up in dysfunctional families learn to substitute love with sympathy. I've been thinking about that quote a lot, and have realised that that's exactly what I've been doing. We don't show love in my family, we show sympathy. I never challenged the things I didn't agree with, because I felt too sad for my parents to express my true feelings. I could see where they were coming from and understood why we couldn't be like other families. Uuugh, fuck. Whatever.
My mum just called me again to tell me she's talked to my dad on the phone now. He was drugged up and pretty out of it, but we'll go see him tomorrow.
I guess I'll be talking to my mum on the phone a lot over Christmas, but I honestly feel completely fine now. I am extremely glad I'm off to Amsterdam on Monday, it'll be amazing to just get away from absolutely everything for a couple of days.
My parents have cancelled Christmas this year. Apparently for the last couple of months my dad has been refusing to see the doctor for a wound on his good leg (if you remember, he had to amputate one of his legs from the knee down back in 2012). Well, yesterday he woke up unable to put any pressure on his good leg. He hoisted himself into his wheelchair and basically just waited around until my mum came home from work. Then they called an ambulance, and now he's in the hospital with both legs amputated.
I don't know how long he'll stay in the hospital this time, but probably until over New Year's, at least.
I got these news very late last night, my mum apparently left the hospital at midnight, and he still hadn't been taken up to his room at that time, so.
I had to go to work today with all of this churning through my head, it's been a hell of a day.
Not to worry, though. I had a long, really good talk with my mum on the phone after work (it's probably the best talk we've ever had, which sounds completely ridiculous, but I think it's true). She is in pretty good spirits all things considered. I'll go see them both tomorrow.
Anyway, my mum is mostly just really angry with my dad. Which I completely understand. I feel angry too. More angry and frustrated than sad, really. It's a fucked up situation, but we'll do what we can.
My mum wants to sell the house, which really helped me feel better about the situation. It's been the elephant in the room in our family for so long. I don't want to inherit the house, I've been dreading this talk for forever, but the very first thing my mum said to me on the phone today was "We're selling the house", and I was just so relieved. Their house is not wheelchair accessible in any way shape or form, so getting a new apartment would be a much easier option than fixing up the house to make it accessible.
The only thing I'll miss about the house is the memory of my grandparents, but thankfully those memories won't disappear when the house goes (and selling the house will take a long time anyway, it's not done in a month or two, so...).
I feel a little shitty for being excited about getting rid of the house, but hey.
My mum also told me to please go spend my Christmas in Amsterdam as planned, and she told me not to worry about her or dad. She'll spend Christmas with her sister and their family, my dad wanted her to do that. My dad is probably extremely depressed and fucked up, but I can't even begin to deal with that right now. Most likely he's been depressed for a good while. I have suggested for my mum that they should look into finding him someone to talk to once we figure out his situation after this hospital stay, so at least that's out there ... though considering his reaction when I told him back in upper secondary school that I was seeing a school psychiatrist ... I don't think he's all that open to the idea, BUT HE NEEDS FUCKING HELP, SO TOUGH SHIT, I GUESS.
I don't know. I was nervous and sad about this piece of news all day, but having talked it over, I don't really worry about any of it anymore. I'm not sure what that says about me.
I feel I should mention that I don't have a great relationship with my parents. They live 20 minutes away, but we meet up maybe every three months or so. I talk to them on the phone maybe once a month? I don't know, we don't have anything in common, I don't agree with their life style choices, the house and their situation makes me depressed, and going there triggers my panic attacks. I feel like they never bothered getting to know the person I grew into, and they are in many ways still treating me like a little kid. Except when heavy shit like this happens. That's pretty much the only time we ever function as a family. Emergency situations and holidays. We are super special.
I recently read a quote somewhere that kids growing up in dysfunctional families learn to substitute love with sympathy. I've been thinking about that quote a lot, and have realised that that's exactly what I've been doing. We don't show love in my family, we show sympathy. I never challenged the things I didn't agree with, because I felt too sad for my parents to express my true feelings. I could see where they were coming from and understood why we couldn't be like other families. Uuugh, fuck. Whatever.
My mum just called me again to tell me she's talked to my dad on the phone now. He was drugged up and pretty out of it, but we'll go see him tomorrow.
I guess I'll be talking to my mum on the phone a lot over Christmas, but I honestly feel completely fine now. I am extremely glad I'm off to Amsterdam on Monday, it'll be amazing to just get away from absolutely everything for a couple of days.