Spitefic: (Finally) Waking Up
Title: (Finally) Waking Up
Author: Erika Lyndis
Fandom(s): Twilight
Rating: PG-13 (for a lot of cussing)
Word Count: 769
Inspiration: Chapter 22 of New Moon where Edward attempts to prevent Bella from ordering a coke.
Warnings: Hints strongly at severe depression, which I guess could be trigger-ish.
Summary: Bella tells Edward where to stick it.
‘Bella,’ Edward said disapprovingly. He knew my low tolerance for caffeine.
‘Edward’ I replied sweetly and, given the circumstances, surprisingly calmly, ‘go fuck yourself.’
He had nothing to say to that, he just stared at me open-mouthed. An idiotic expression on the face I’d once thought to be inhumanly beautiful.
How could I have been so stupid? It was like in the cartoons where a light bulb goes on over a character’s head. No, it was more than that. It was like I was waking up. Waking up from this nightmare my life had been since I first set eyes on Edward Cullen.
‘What the hell is wrong with you?’ I asked, my voice low and controlled. The intensity of my own emotions scared me - I’d forgotten it was even possible to feel anything this strongly. I relished the feeling - the feeling of being in charge again. Of being awake.
‘You tell me you don’t love me. You vanish for six months. You try and kill yourself when you think I’m dead! And now you tell me not to order a fucking coke? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? I JUST WITNESSED MASS MURDER AND I WANT SOME GODDAMN CAFFEINE!’ I couldn’t stop my voice my from getting louder, and from the prickling feeling on the back of my neck and whispers at the edge of my hearing I just knew that several of our fellow passengers were starting to look at us.
I ignored them.
‘You bastard! Do you have any idea what I’ve been through? No, because you never asked. I’m just a human. My emotions aren’t as good as yours. Not as strong. I can’t feel in the same way you do. You pathetic… controlling… dickless…’ My anger was making it impossible to even think about what I was saying, let alone speak the words. I stopped, closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I was glad my outburst seemed to have stunned Edward and Alice into silence. I couldn’t deal with hearing them talk right now.
When I felt ready, I started again.
‘I wasn’t right when I met you. Really not in a good place emotionally. Did… did you ever think that? Or did you just like the emotionally needy, clingy little idiot who’d let herself be controlled by a pathetic waste of space like you, you abusive dickweed?’
‘Bella - I -‘
‘Shut up. I’m not finished. Did you just think that I was normal? Wait, I forgot, you have about as much empathy as a dead jellyfish so I guess I must’ve been to you. You know what, don’t bother coming back to Forks - even if you do want me back, because I. Don’t. Want. You. Actually, do come back. I’ll tell the Quileutes and we can have a fucking party. Or maybe I’ll just tell Charlie’ I said, more seriously, ‘because no matter how strong or beautiful or powerful you are, you are not above the law. Does that sound ‘reasonable’ to you, Edward?’
I pressed the call button to bring the air steward back, and when he arrived I smiled at him - my first real smile in years. God it felt good. ‘I’d like to downgrade to coach class, please. And a coke.’
I followed air steward to coach, ignoring Alice and Edward shouting to me to stop being so silly and sit back down with them like a good little girl (although I did notice the voices of several other stewards telling them to calm down or the police would be meeting them at the airport), and instead just sighed happily. I’d have a lot of apologising to do when I go home - especially to Charlie. And Mike. And Jess. Oh god, Jess. How could I really have acted like that. I cringed at the memory. The girl I’d become over the last few years. The girl who’d seen murder as reasonable. The girl who disgusted me. But the girl I no longer was. I didn’t even want to think about the grovelling I’d have to do to Jacob. I hoped that he’d forgive me. That one day we could friends. Real friends, not the imitation of friendship I’d given him before. I’d have to repeat some school too, if I wanted to make it into college. When was the last time I actually paid attention?
There was a lot to do, even more to think about. A long road to recovery (but wasn’t that first step supposed to be the hardest?) But right now, I was going to enjoy this flight - and the feeling of being alive.
Author: Erika Lyndis
Fandom(s): Twilight
Rating: PG-13 (for a lot of cussing)
Word Count: 769
Inspiration: Chapter 22 of New Moon where Edward attempts to prevent Bella from ordering a coke.
Warnings: Hints strongly at severe depression, which I guess could be trigger-ish.
Summary: Bella tells Edward where to stick it.
‘Bella,’ Edward said disapprovingly. He knew my low tolerance for caffeine.
‘Edward’ I replied sweetly and, given the circumstances, surprisingly calmly, ‘go fuck yourself.’
He had nothing to say to that, he just stared at me open-mouthed. An idiotic expression on the face I’d once thought to be inhumanly beautiful.
How could I have been so stupid? It was like in the cartoons where a light bulb goes on over a character’s head. No, it was more than that. It was like I was waking up. Waking up from this nightmare my life had been since I first set eyes on Edward Cullen.
‘What the hell is wrong with you?’ I asked, my voice low and controlled. The intensity of my own emotions scared me - I’d forgotten it was even possible to feel anything this strongly. I relished the feeling - the feeling of being in charge again. Of being awake.
‘You tell me you don’t love me. You vanish for six months. You try and kill yourself when you think I’m dead! And now you tell me not to order a fucking coke? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? I JUST WITNESSED MASS MURDER AND I WANT SOME GODDAMN CAFFEINE!’ I couldn’t stop my voice my from getting louder, and from the prickling feeling on the back of my neck and whispers at the edge of my hearing I just knew that several of our fellow passengers were starting to look at us.
I ignored them.
‘You bastard! Do you have any idea what I’ve been through? No, because you never asked. I’m just a human. My emotions aren’t as good as yours. Not as strong. I can’t feel in the same way you do. You pathetic… controlling… dickless…’ My anger was making it impossible to even think about what I was saying, let alone speak the words. I stopped, closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I was glad my outburst seemed to have stunned Edward and Alice into silence. I couldn’t deal with hearing them talk right now.
When I felt ready, I started again.
‘I wasn’t right when I met you. Really not in a good place emotionally. Did… did you ever think that? Or did you just like the emotionally needy, clingy little idiot who’d let herself be controlled by a pathetic waste of space like you, you abusive dickweed?’
‘Bella - I -‘
‘Shut up. I’m not finished. Did you just think that I was normal? Wait, I forgot, you have about as much empathy as a dead jellyfish so I guess I must’ve been to you. You know what, don’t bother coming back to Forks - even if you do want me back, because I. Don’t. Want. You. Actually, do come back. I’ll tell the Quileutes and we can have a fucking party. Or maybe I’ll just tell Charlie’ I said, more seriously, ‘because no matter how strong or beautiful or powerful you are, you are not above the law. Does that sound ‘reasonable’ to you, Edward?’
I pressed the call button to bring the air steward back, and when he arrived I smiled at him - my first real smile in years. God it felt good. ‘I’d like to downgrade to coach class, please. And a coke.’
I followed air steward to coach, ignoring Alice and Edward shouting to me to stop being so silly and sit back down with them like a good little girl (although I did notice the voices of several other stewards telling them to calm down or the police would be meeting them at the airport), and instead just sighed happily. I’d have a lot of apologising to do when I go home - especially to Charlie. And Mike. And Jess. Oh god, Jess. How could I really have acted like that. I cringed at the memory. The girl I’d become over the last few years. The girl who’d seen murder as reasonable. The girl who disgusted me. But the girl I no longer was. I didn’t even want to think about the grovelling I’d have to do to Jacob. I hoped that he’d forgive me. That one day we could friends. Real friends, not the imitation of friendship I’d given him before. I’d have to repeat some school too, if I wanted to make it into college. When was the last time I actually paid attention?
There was a lot to do, even more to think about. A long road to recovery (but wasn’t that first step supposed to be the hardest?) But right now, I was going to enjoy this flight - and the feeling of being alive.