Spitefic: Satellite Eyes
Title: Satellite Eyes
Author: gehayi
Fandom(s): Buffy the Vampire Slayer/New Moon
Rating: PG
Word Count: 4,267
Summary: Edward gets to try out his "romantic" speeches on a woman who's both more critical and less adoring than Bella.
Inspiration: Chapter 23-The Truth.
Author's Notes: This chapter is chock-full of purple prose. I thought a little sense needed to be injected into the scene.
The italicized passages spoken by Edward throughout are from Chapter 23 of New Moon, and are by Meyer.
***
"I'm not as strong as you give me credit for," he said. "Right and wrong have ceased to mean much to me-"
"Excuse me? Would you back up a bit? And I do mean literally as well as figuratively, because you're sitting on my foot, which is very un-fun."
Edward blinked. Bella had vanished both from her bed and her bedroom, and in her place was a short, thin, be-jeaned girl who was gazing up at him in exasperation. Like Bella, her mind was completely closed to him.
"Uh...who are you?" he asked, moving back a bit.
"You can call me Joan." The girl sat up, staggered to her feet, then stood on one leg as she rubbed her injured toes. Edward noted with displeasure that she was blonde, and that her hair was drawn up in a very sloppy bun held in place by two sticks. No style at all. "It's not my name, but sometimes I feel like a Joan."
Edward glanced around frantically. "Where's Bella? If you've hurt her--"
"She's fine," Joan said in a bored voice. "She just got sucked into the hole in her chest. When you have a Black Hole of Suck embedded in your body, sooner or later, you're going to get drawn into an alternate reality. It stands to reason. So, until she gets back from dealing with the aliens--"
"Aliens!"
Joan sighed. "Did I not mention the black hole and alternate reality thing? Of course aliens are involved. And no, I don't know what they're doing to her, or vice versa-do I look like an alien? I'm just here to act as a placeholder. We've got about a half hour to forty-five minutes, so you might as well practice your speechifying. Only...one suggestion? Lose the 'right and wrong' thing. 'Cuz, see, when a vampire says, 'I don't care about right or wrong,' what he generally means is, 'I don't care if humans live or die.' I have issues with that. I think most humans would have issues with that."
"Bella doesn't."
Joan's voice was liquid hydrogen. "Really." Eyeing him suspiciously, she motioned him to go on.
Edward felt a flicker of unease. No girl had ever treated him with such disdain.
"I was coming back anyway," he said. "Before Rosalie told me the news, I was already past trying to live through one week at a time, or even one day. I was fighting to make it through a single hour. It was only a matter of time - and not much of it - before I showed up at your window and begged you to take me back. I'd be happy to beg now, if you'd like that."
Joan frowned at him. "Okay, first, still stuck on the whole 'right and wrong thing.' Second-you don't have to live through a week, a day or an hour, because...you're a vampire. Living is really not what you do. Third...you know, I've had vampires show up unannounced at my window, in my kitchen and in my bedroom. It's creepy. As a note, boyfriends are supposed to be the opposite of creepy."
She peered at him. "Is there, like, a handbook that you guys get when you're turned? Because I've run into a fair number of vampires over the years, and I have to say that most of you have the whole creepy-brooding-obsessive thing down to a science."
"There's no handbook," Edward said, clenching his jaw.
"So it's instinctive? Wow. That's sad."
"Do you know anything about vampires?" he demanded. "Anything beyond the movies, that is."
"Oh, just a little. Don't know which movies you're talking about, though. Depending on the script and the director, vamps can vary a lot. " She scratched her head. "I did meet Dracula once. Gotta say, the movies were better." She paused after making that incredible statement and put her foot back on the ground. "Had a couple of vampire boyfriends. Does that count?"
"So what happened? You said 'had.'" Then Edward smirked to himself; of course this-this wench could never love anyone as deeply and beautifully as he loved Bella. After all, she was blonde.
"Well, the first guy, it was just the usual," Joan said, in a tone that fairly shouted I do not want to talk about this. "We had sex. He lost his soul. He tried to end the world. I stabbed him through the heart and sent him to Hell. Talk about your messy breakups."
Edward shuddered, unable to imagine his delicate, fragile Bella doing anything so...so violent. Unless it involved her tripping over something and having a horrific accident, that is.
"And the second fellow?" he asked.
Joan stared up at the sky, looking thoughtful. "The first time we met, he tried to kill me. Then we spent a couple of years trying to kill each other. And then he got captured by my psychology professor's secret army and a chip got inserted into his head and he wasn't able to harm humans without suffering incredible pain. Conscience for the soulless, you might say.
"So he started killing monsters, because killing monsters was allowed. And he started hanging around and saving me and my sister from a hellgod...you know, usual stuff. Then I died. Second time, actually. And a friend resurrected me and after that, he and I got into an incredibly complicated and destructive relationship, in every possible way, including destroying houses. The sex? Fantastic. The relationship? Like, I said, complicated.
"But I'd come to trust him...and then he decided that what I really needed to stir my heart was for him to physically force me to have sex with him. Because nothing says 'I love you' like refusing to hear the word 'no.' So I kicked his ass to the curb and he went off and got his soul restored so that he could be the guy he thought I deserved and he ended up dying to save the world. Kind of a theme in my life, actually."
Joan paused for a moment, then gave him a perky smile. "So. Is that the end of your speech? The whole 'I can't live without you' thing?"
Edward fought down the sick feeling that this mortal girl had lived more in twenty-odd years than he had in a hundred and seven. "I have barely begun."
"Really?" Joan said with a distinct lack of enthusiasm. "Because, you know, you might just want to skip all this and take Bella skating. You know-do something she likes. Have fun. Weird concept, I know."
Edward waited, studying Joan's face as he spoke to make sure she was really listening. "Before Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars - points of light and reason… And then she shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When she was gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything."
He broke off, not because Joan was impressed, but because she was giggling.
"I'm sorry," she said, still laughing, "but...you're not serious, are you? Oh, my God. You are!"
She made a visible effort to calm down. "Okay. The problem with that little speech? You're talking Hollywood meteors...you know, big huge planet-destroying blazing things the size of Jupiter. Fireball scary. Fireball pretty, too.
"But...you know how stars are just little pinpricks of light in the sky? Your average meteors look like a pin scratching the surface of the sky for, like, a second. Shooting stars are gorgeous if a lot are falling at once, like in August and November. But mostly, if there's just one meteor, it doesn't light up the sky with fire or beauty. There's just a fftt!--and it's gone. And you're left thinking, 'Wait, did I just see a star fall, or was that a satellite? Or maybe a contrail. Maybe I just imagined it.'
"So yeah. You're telling the girl that she was barely there and now she's gone, and you're left staring trying to figure out if you saw her at all. Nice one."
She frowned. "So how come you don't know about meteors, O Creature of the Night? If you were a Creature of the Day I could understand, but-hello?" She flicked her gaze out the window at the starry heavens, then glanced back at Edward.
"Don't you give an inch, woman?" Edward groaned. He couldn't remember the last time a human female had been so unsympathetic.
"Not if I can help it," Joan said in a completely unconcerned voice.
"Have you no soul?"
"Um...yeah. Which would be why I'm not giving an inch. Also, you still haven't convinced me that you love Bella Lugosi. All I do know is that you have no sense of right or wrong, and you haven't noticed a meteor in ever. Amoral AND unobservant. And you talk like a Harlequin Romance. Not a great combination. You got anything else?"
Edward gritted his teeth. "Suppose I said that being without Bella...it was like my heart was gone - like I was hollow. What would you think then?"
"Hollow?" Joan asked, sounding bewildered. "Like a big sparkly piñata?"
"You're mocking my pain!"
"Well, that's the thing, see," said Joan. "I don't believe you experienced any."
"When I heard that Bella was dead," Edward snarled, "I tried to kill myself. What does that tell you?"
Joan leaned against the wall near Bella's window. "Mostly that you were all set to commit suicide anyway and just used her as an excuse."
"You honestly believe that? You-you brainless blonde!"
"Devastating wit," Joan said, rolling her eyes. "And yes, I believe it, because you could have solved the whole problem without trying to kill yourself. All you had to do was come back to Forks-which you could probably do pretty fast at vampiric speed. And once you did that, you could talk to Bella's father. Find out what happened. Put flowers on her grave. Maybe, I don't know, mourn a little." She glared at him. "If you'd bothered to do any of that, you'd have found out that Bella wasn't dead after all. But the only thing you thought of was offing yourself-dramatically, yes?"
Edward flinched under her gaze. "Well, yes. That is, I was planning on doing something dramatic to attract the attention of the Volturi-the vampire police. They don't like humans knowing--"
"Big shocker there."
"So first I thought of a massacre that couldn't be explained. Nothing major," he added, seeing the fury building in Joan's face, "just a hundred or so people. The world would never miss them. But I decided against that, and opted instead to sparkle."
"To sparkle," Joan repeated, disgust warring with her rage. "Is that some vampire euphemism for murder? Because if it is, I gotta say that it needs work."
Edward explained. By the time he was done, she was laughing again.
"So let me get this straight. You hear that the girl you've been stalking is dead, and the first thought in your mind is not, "I'm really going to miss Target-of-Obsession,' or 'I'd better hurry if I'm going to make the funeral in time,' but, 'I'm going to a small town in Italy, strip naked and hope that my dad's ex-boyfriend notices me and my body glitter.'" She ran her fingers through her hair and then shook her head. "You know, you could have just gone to a gay bar."
"I'm. Not. GAY!"
"Of course not. You're bisexual. Totally different thing. Well, unless you're talking to my friend Willow." She tilted her head to one side. "So, are you all done with the melodrama and the meteors?"
"I...suppose," Edward said stiffly, doing his best to be dignified. He was certainly not sulking, no matter what his brother Emmett would say.
"You going to keep stalking Belladonna?"
"I'm not stalking her! I'm courting her!" Edward gave her a homicidal glare that had left men quaking in terror. This stick of a girl, of course, wasn't the least bit impressed. "And of course I will continue to pursue my dearest Bella. Both of us were broken while we were apart. We couldn't function without each other!"
"Pretty sure that being miserable without someone does not equal true love." Then Joan shrugged. "There was this guy I met in college, Parker. Very good at making a girl feel special. Very good at making her feel miserable without him, too."
"Bella and I," Edward sneered, feeling contempt for this amoeba-brained Jezebel, "are truly in love. It was meant to be. Destined."
"So destined that you couldn't even be bothered to go to the funeral. Or, y'know, send flowers to her parents. They do have FTD Florists in Washington and Florida, yeah?" She squinted at the ceiling as if something vital had been written there. "So. This destiny of yours. Now that you're together with Girl You Barely Know, what are you going to do?"
"We're going to be together."
"Together. Right. I got that part. But destiny--and I am speaking from personal experience here-doesn't just get people together. It gets people together for a reason. Generally because the people are destined to do something incredibly good or incredibly hideous." She was fooling with her hair again. "Now, you're a bloodsucking monster with marble-and-mica skin and poison sacs in your mouth and Bellicose is, according to you, perfectly okay with mass murder and is longing to become a creature just like you. So what do you think your destiny involves? Because I gotta say, it looks pretty ominous from where I'm sitting."
"Does it matter?" Edward said dramatically, wishing that he could hear an orchestral crescendo as he spoke. "What matters is that she will be my belovéd wife, and that we will be happy and in love for all time."
"Yeah, it does matter," Joan said, sounding more than a little annoyed. "I have to deal with two apocalypses a year as it is, and I really don't need you two causing the destruction of the entire human race on top of that."
Edward laughed. "We don't need humans. My family doesn't even feed on them."
"Okay," Joan said in a voice that shouted it was anything but. "Suppose you two unleash a demon that slaughters every living human on the planet. The kids you go to school with, your girlfriend's father...everyone. What do you do?"
Edward gazed at her as if she was insane. "Nothing. Why should I care what happens to mere humans? You're only food, after all. If someone else is hungry-or angry-well, really, does it matter? You live such brief lives as it is."
Joan stared at him as if she couldn't believe her ears. "And that's your destiny. Just...hang out with your undead girlfriend and spout Hallmark cards. And if the rest of the world is suffering-even if the suffering is your responsibility-oh well, sucks to be the world."
"That's a crass way of putting it," Edward said with a sniff. "Of course, I don't suppose I could expect anything better from a-a trollop like you. Now, why don't you just go fetch my dearest Bella from whatever torment is being visited upon her and then leave? Your ramblings and your judgmental human morality weary me."
"Awww, but I haven't had a chance to show you my destiny yet. And it's really simple. It'll just take a second."
Edward smirked at her. "No. What do you say to that?"
She didn't reply...not in words.
Instead, she kicked a hole through his chest.
Edward stared down at the gaping wound which was gushing venom, unable to believe that the skinny leg of a young woman could have possibly punctured his chest and his back.
"Humans do notice when a busload of forty to fifty people goes missing, you know," Joan said in a conversational tone. "Especially when the bus drives to this nice little Etruscan town in Tuscany which has a surprisingly high percentage of disappearances that no one talks about. Now, I've been living in Italy for a while, so I heard the news. Some friends and I were just starting to hit the books when we got this phone call from a woman named Gianna. Said she worked for the Volturi and was not all that thrilled with her employers. Told us to hurry, because if one of them touched her, he'd know her every thought...including the fact that she'd just notified me. So we got there in a hurry. As a note, bazookas and rocket launchers work just about as well on sparklepires as they do on the regular variety."
A look of regret swept across her face. "They turned Gianna. You know something? She kicked Volturi butt. Killed, what's his name, the mindwiper, Caius-and I mean pulverized him. There weren't two motes of dust lying next to each other. After it was over, she asked me to kill her. Said she wanted to go out with some class-before she took a human life."
"You murdered her?" Edward did his best to choke the words out as she grabbed his left arm, casually picked him up with one hand, and tossed him to the other side of the room.
"I think it was more like assisted suicide," Joan said. "Anyway, before she died, she told me about these two vampires and a human girl who just sat there during the massacre of the tourists, sometimes glancing at the door in annoyance when the screams of the dying grew too loud.
"Now, I can believe that the human was terrified of doing anything, felt confused and helpless or is maybe just in desperate need of therapy. But as for the vampires--" She made a face. "Come on. You guys are supposed to be the good ones. And with your mind-reading and Alice's premonitions...you could have tricked the Volturi and saved some people. And not for lunch."
Standing up shakily-why wasn't that hole healing?--Edward lunged at her at perhaps half of normal vampiric speed. He was going to tear this foul human's throat out.
Using only one hand, she blocked his attack.
Edward's smile was vicious. An actual challenge. He hadn't had one of those since...oh, the 1920s to the 1930s, at the latest. This was going to be fun.
Five minutes later, he was wondering how he ever could have thought that. This girl was strong enough to deliver punches and kicks that shattered his marble-like skin. She wasn't prey, and she knew it. She was willing to talk while they fought, but unfortunately it didn't distract her.
"So that's why you tossed Bella to the aliens?" he said, swinging at her and not caring one whit that this...this freak of nature happened to be a girl. "Because you think that my sister and I should have saved the humans?"
"Partly that," Joan said, dodging his punch with ease. "Call me species-ist, but I don't like it when humans are murdered by monsters. I'm funny that way. Also, I think that not caring that humans are being slaughtered next door is pretty bad. Deciding that the screams of the dying make lovely background music as you romance your girlfriend? That's...Hannibal Lecter territory. Also, Bella's not with aliens."
Edward nearly stopped in surprise. "You said she was!"
Joan rolled her eyes. "I lied. My friend Willow cast a teleportation spell and we switched places. Call me crazy, but I thought you'd find aliens and black holes more believable."
She was right, though Edward hated to admit it. Almost anything was more credible than a human having such power.
"So you're just beating me up because you don't like the way I acted?" he said with a haughty sniff. "How small-minded. How petty."
"Oh, I'm sorry! We've never been properly introduced, have we?" She picked him up, slammed him to the floor and straddled him. She ran a hand through her hair-and the bun came undone. The straight blonde hair suddenly falling down to her shoulders was...erotic. That is, she would have been, if she hadn't been a mere human. And blonde.
She gave him a happy smile. "Hi. I'm Buffy, the Vampire Slayer!"
Too late, Edward realized that she was holding a stick from her hair in each hand. No, not sticks. Stakes.
Joan-no, Buffy-held up one of the stakes. "Edward Cullen, say hello to Mister Pointy."
Even then Edward didn't believe it. Yes, she'd cracked his stone skin and kicked a hole through his body, but a stake was just a splinter of wood, wasn't it?
As it turned out, once a vampire's torso was more wound than not, a Slayer could easily insert a couple of stakes into the injuries. Stone skin might be impervious to stakes...but the organs of a vampire certainly were not. And once they'd been driven into his wounded chest cavity, the stakes-soaked in holy water, and embedded with garlic, rosewood and wolfsbane-did the rest.
After that, it was just a question of Buffy burning his remains into ashes, and then sweeping up the ashes with a broom and a Dustbuster.
***
Buffy called Willow, then went downstairs and spoke briefly with Charlie Swan, telling him that Edward Cullen was dead (or at least dead-ish) and that Bella would probably need some therapy once she came home.
"Yeah," Charlie said, sighing. "I expected that. She's been having problems for a while. And of course, I'm not supposed to notice that...or any of the weirdness in this town. Do you know that I've brought up the vampires and the werewolves about twenty times? Not to mention things like magic and immortality? She doesn't hear me. She just murmurs, 'Yes, of course, Dad,' and goes on dreaming about the Cullens and about being a rich vampire." He nearly gagged on the last two words. "And screaming about the agony she's been in since he dumped her."
He shook his head. "Do you think you could ask that witch friend of yours to teleport Bella to her mother's house instead of here? I think it would be better for her if she stayed away from Forks-and the Cullens."
Buffy shook her head. "She's going to have enough to deal with. She's messed up, but that doesn't mean that what happened to her isn't real. As for the Cullens...I don't think they're going to be a problem for much longer." She nodded toward the back door. A few seconds later, someone knocked.
Charlie opened it-and there stood Leah.
"Alice Cullen is dead," she said, her lips curving in a satisfied smile. "God, it takes a long time for stone vampires to burn. You know, she kept staring at me horrified, demanding to know why she was here and screaming that she couldn't see what I was going to do. Like it was that difficult to figure out."
"Is the pack going to give you trouble for this?" Charlie asked, his voice anxious.
"Sam probably will." She glanced at Buffy. "Ex-fiancé. Imprinted on my cousin and best friend and tore half of her face off. For some strange reason, he can't figure out why I got mad about the instant 'love,' his sudden personality change, or his mutilating Emily. And Emily can't figure out why I don't see this whole thing as the truest true love of all time. Unfortunately, Sam sees me as a prime bitch, so that's how the rest of the pack sees me."
Buffy rolled her eyes. "Yeah, because being an abused doormat is obviously better. Is there something in the water around here?"
"Would make a nice explanation, wouldn't it?" Then Leah sighed. "So yeah, there's probably going to be trouble. But not to worry. Billy's backing me. Did you know he's a genealogy nut? Chief Swan's paternal grandmother was a member of the tribe. Which makes the Swans part-Quileute...and this house Quileute territory, under the treaty. Billy's not happy about vampires taking a part-Quileute girl off to Volterra to get turned or eaten. Definite violation of the treaty, as far as he's concerned. And now that Edward and Alice are gone, we can take care of the rest of them far more easily. And if the pack won't-I will."
"Don't suppose you'd want some company when that happens?" Buffy asked wistfully. "I barely worked up a sweat with Wardo. And I'd like to see you in action."
"Why not? Two Alpha bitches are better than one, right?"
For a moment, a look of complete understanding passed between both young women. Then Buffy turned to Charlie. "I hate to sound all AH-nuld, but...I'll be back. I don't think Bella's gonna be too thrilled with me since I dusted her statueboy, but she should hear what happened from me as well as you."
"I don't know how much good that will do," Charlie said, grimacing. "I suspect she'll just wail and scream that now she'll never get to be a vampire."
"What, no wailing about the boyfriend?"
"Only if she remembers that she's supposed to be tragic and in love," Charlie muttered. "Trust me on this."
Buffy scowled for a minute, thinking...then began to smile wickedly. "Chief Swan, would you mind if I took Bella to an alternate dimension for real? Just for a half hour or so? There's this universe next door. It's really dangerous...but I think that Bella should see exactly what life would be like if the vampires won."
***
END NOTES: Leah is already a werewolf here, though she's barely mentioned in New Moon and won't be revealed to be a werewolf until Eclipse.
Edward's adversary used the name "Joan" in this episode.
The title is from the song Satellite by Dave Matthews and the Dave Matthews Band, which refers to a man-made satellite that sees everything-all the changes in the world, everyone's secrets, all the dark things that people don't like to admit. It seemed appropriate for Buffy, who sees far more in this than Edward wants her to see.
The alternate universe Buffy is talking about is the Wishverse. Originally an AU superimposed on Buffy's universe (in which Buffy never came to Sunnydale), it was eventually banished from Buffy's world and the correct timeline was restored. However, as seen in Doppelgangland, the universe, once created, continued to exist...somewhere else.
Finally, Buffy gets derided by Edward for being blonde because Meyer has severe issues with blonde women. None of them ever come off well in her writing.
Author: gehayi
Fandom(s): Buffy the Vampire Slayer/New Moon
Rating: PG
Word Count: 4,267
Summary: Edward gets to try out his "romantic" speeches on a woman who's both more critical and less adoring than Bella.
Inspiration: Chapter 23-The Truth.
Author's Notes: This chapter is chock-full of purple prose. I thought a little sense needed to be injected into the scene.
The italicized passages spoken by Edward throughout are from Chapter 23 of New Moon, and are by Meyer.
***
"I'm not as strong as you give me credit for," he said. "Right and wrong have ceased to mean much to me-"
"Excuse me? Would you back up a bit? And I do mean literally as well as figuratively, because you're sitting on my foot, which is very un-fun."
Edward blinked. Bella had vanished both from her bed and her bedroom, and in her place was a short, thin, be-jeaned girl who was gazing up at him in exasperation. Like Bella, her mind was completely closed to him.
"Uh...who are you?" he asked, moving back a bit.
"You can call me Joan." The girl sat up, staggered to her feet, then stood on one leg as she rubbed her injured toes. Edward noted with displeasure that she was blonde, and that her hair was drawn up in a very sloppy bun held in place by two sticks. No style at all. "It's not my name, but sometimes I feel like a Joan."
Edward glanced around frantically. "Where's Bella? If you've hurt her--"
"She's fine," Joan said in a bored voice. "She just got sucked into the hole in her chest. When you have a Black Hole of Suck embedded in your body, sooner or later, you're going to get drawn into an alternate reality. It stands to reason. So, until she gets back from dealing with the aliens--"
"Aliens!"
Joan sighed. "Did I not mention the black hole and alternate reality thing? Of course aliens are involved. And no, I don't know what they're doing to her, or vice versa-do I look like an alien? I'm just here to act as a placeholder. We've got about a half hour to forty-five minutes, so you might as well practice your speechifying. Only...one suggestion? Lose the 'right and wrong' thing. 'Cuz, see, when a vampire says, 'I don't care about right or wrong,' what he generally means is, 'I don't care if humans live or die.' I have issues with that. I think most humans would have issues with that."
"Bella doesn't."
Joan's voice was liquid hydrogen. "Really." Eyeing him suspiciously, she motioned him to go on.
Edward felt a flicker of unease. No girl had ever treated him with such disdain.
"I was coming back anyway," he said. "Before Rosalie told me the news, I was already past trying to live through one week at a time, or even one day. I was fighting to make it through a single hour. It was only a matter of time - and not much of it - before I showed up at your window and begged you to take me back. I'd be happy to beg now, if you'd like that."
Joan frowned at him. "Okay, first, still stuck on the whole 'right and wrong thing.' Second-you don't have to live through a week, a day or an hour, because...you're a vampire. Living is really not what you do. Third...you know, I've had vampires show up unannounced at my window, in my kitchen and in my bedroom. It's creepy. As a note, boyfriends are supposed to be the opposite of creepy."
She peered at him. "Is there, like, a handbook that you guys get when you're turned? Because I've run into a fair number of vampires over the years, and I have to say that most of you have the whole creepy-brooding-obsessive thing down to a science."
"There's no handbook," Edward said, clenching his jaw.
"So it's instinctive? Wow. That's sad."
"Do you know anything about vampires?" he demanded. "Anything beyond the movies, that is."
"Oh, just a little. Don't know which movies you're talking about, though. Depending on the script and the director, vamps can vary a lot. " She scratched her head. "I did meet Dracula once. Gotta say, the movies were better." She paused after making that incredible statement and put her foot back on the ground. "Had a couple of vampire boyfriends. Does that count?"
"So what happened? You said 'had.'" Then Edward smirked to himself; of course this-this wench could never love anyone as deeply and beautifully as he loved Bella. After all, she was blonde.
"Well, the first guy, it was just the usual," Joan said, in a tone that fairly shouted I do not want to talk about this. "We had sex. He lost his soul. He tried to end the world. I stabbed him through the heart and sent him to Hell. Talk about your messy breakups."
Edward shuddered, unable to imagine his delicate, fragile Bella doing anything so...so violent. Unless it involved her tripping over something and having a horrific accident, that is.
"And the second fellow?" he asked.
Joan stared up at the sky, looking thoughtful. "The first time we met, he tried to kill me. Then we spent a couple of years trying to kill each other. And then he got captured by my psychology professor's secret army and a chip got inserted into his head and he wasn't able to harm humans without suffering incredible pain. Conscience for the soulless, you might say.
"So he started killing monsters, because killing monsters was allowed. And he started hanging around and saving me and my sister from a hellgod...you know, usual stuff. Then I died. Second time, actually. And a friend resurrected me and after that, he and I got into an incredibly complicated and destructive relationship, in every possible way, including destroying houses. The sex? Fantastic. The relationship? Like, I said, complicated.
"But I'd come to trust him...and then he decided that what I really needed to stir my heart was for him to physically force me to have sex with him. Because nothing says 'I love you' like refusing to hear the word 'no.' So I kicked his ass to the curb and he went off and got his soul restored so that he could be the guy he thought I deserved and he ended up dying to save the world. Kind of a theme in my life, actually."
Joan paused for a moment, then gave him a perky smile. "So. Is that the end of your speech? The whole 'I can't live without you' thing?"
Edward fought down the sick feeling that this mortal girl had lived more in twenty-odd years than he had in a hundred and seven. "I have barely begun."
"Really?" Joan said with a distinct lack of enthusiasm. "Because, you know, you might just want to skip all this and take Bella skating. You know-do something she likes. Have fun. Weird concept, I know."
Edward waited, studying Joan's face as he spoke to make sure she was really listening. "Before Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars - points of light and reason… And then she shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When she was gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything."
He broke off, not because Joan was impressed, but because she was giggling.
"I'm sorry," she said, still laughing, "but...you're not serious, are you? Oh, my God. You are!"
She made a visible effort to calm down. "Okay. The problem with that little speech? You're talking Hollywood meteors...you know, big huge planet-destroying blazing things the size of Jupiter. Fireball scary. Fireball pretty, too.
"But...you know how stars are just little pinpricks of light in the sky? Your average meteors look like a pin scratching the surface of the sky for, like, a second. Shooting stars are gorgeous if a lot are falling at once, like in August and November. But mostly, if there's just one meteor, it doesn't light up the sky with fire or beauty. There's just a fftt!--and it's gone. And you're left thinking, 'Wait, did I just see a star fall, or was that a satellite? Or maybe a contrail. Maybe I just imagined it.'
"So yeah. You're telling the girl that she was barely there and now she's gone, and you're left staring trying to figure out if you saw her at all. Nice one."
She frowned. "So how come you don't know about meteors, O Creature of the Night? If you were a Creature of the Day I could understand, but-hello?" She flicked her gaze out the window at the starry heavens, then glanced back at Edward.
"Don't you give an inch, woman?" Edward groaned. He couldn't remember the last time a human female had been so unsympathetic.
"Not if I can help it," Joan said in a completely unconcerned voice.
"Have you no soul?"
"Um...yeah. Which would be why I'm not giving an inch. Also, you still haven't convinced me that you love Bella Lugosi. All I do know is that you have no sense of right or wrong, and you haven't noticed a meteor in ever. Amoral AND unobservant. And you talk like a Harlequin Romance. Not a great combination. You got anything else?"
Edward gritted his teeth. "Suppose I said that being without Bella...it was like my heart was gone - like I was hollow. What would you think then?"
"Hollow?" Joan asked, sounding bewildered. "Like a big sparkly piñata?"
"You're mocking my pain!"
"Well, that's the thing, see," said Joan. "I don't believe you experienced any."
"When I heard that Bella was dead," Edward snarled, "I tried to kill myself. What does that tell you?"
Joan leaned against the wall near Bella's window. "Mostly that you were all set to commit suicide anyway and just used her as an excuse."
"You honestly believe that? You-you brainless blonde!"
"Devastating wit," Joan said, rolling her eyes. "And yes, I believe it, because you could have solved the whole problem without trying to kill yourself. All you had to do was come back to Forks-which you could probably do pretty fast at vampiric speed. And once you did that, you could talk to Bella's father. Find out what happened. Put flowers on her grave. Maybe, I don't know, mourn a little." She glared at him. "If you'd bothered to do any of that, you'd have found out that Bella wasn't dead after all. But the only thing you thought of was offing yourself-dramatically, yes?"
Edward flinched under her gaze. "Well, yes. That is, I was planning on doing something dramatic to attract the attention of the Volturi-the vampire police. They don't like humans knowing--"
"Big shocker there."
"So first I thought of a massacre that couldn't be explained. Nothing major," he added, seeing the fury building in Joan's face, "just a hundred or so people. The world would never miss them. But I decided against that, and opted instead to sparkle."
"To sparkle," Joan repeated, disgust warring with her rage. "Is that some vampire euphemism for murder? Because if it is, I gotta say that it needs work."
Edward explained. By the time he was done, she was laughing again.
"So let me get this straight. You hear that the girl you've been stalking is dead, and the first thought in your mind is not, "I'm really going to miss Target-of-Obsession,' or 'I'd better hurry if I'm going to make the funeral in time,' but, 'I'm going to a small town in Italy, strip naked and hope that my dad's ex-boyfriend notices me and my body glitter.'" She ran her fingers through her hair and then shook her head. "You know, you could have just gone to a gay bar."
"I'm. Not. GAY!"
"Of course not. You're bisexual. Totally different thing. Well, unless you're talking to my friend Willow." She tilted her head to one side. "So, are you all done with the melodrama and the meteors?"
"I...suppose," Edward said stiffly, doing his best to be dignified. He was certainly not sulking, no matter what his brother Emmett would say.
"You going to keep stalking Belladonna?"
"I'm not stalking her! I'm courting her!" Edward gave her a homicidal glare that had left men quaking in terror. This stick of a girl, of course, wasn't the least bit impressed. "And of course I will continue to pursue my dearest Bella. Both of us were broken while we were apart. We couldn't function without each other!"
"Pretty sure that being miserable without someone does not equal true love." Then Joan shrugged. "There was this guy I met in college, Parker. Very good at making a girl feel special. Very good at making her feel miserable without him, too."
"Bella and I," Edward sneered, feeling contempt for this amoeba-brained Jezebel, "are truly in love. It was meant to be. Destined."
"So destined that you couldn't even be bothered to go to the funeral. Or, y'know, send flowers to her parents. They do have FTD Florists in Washington and Florida, yeah?" She squinted at the ceiling as if something vital had been written there. "So. This destiny of yours. Now that you're together with Girl You Barely Know, what are you going to do?"
"We're going to be together."
"Together. Right. I got that part. But destiny--and I am speaking from personal experience here-doesn't just get people together. It gets people together for a reason. Generally because the people are destined to do something incredibly good or incredibly hideous." She was fooling with her hair again. "Now, you're a bloodsucking monster with marble-and-mica skin and poison sacs in your mouth and Bellicose is, according to you, perfectly okay with mass murder and is longing to become a creature just like you. So what do you think your destiny involves? Because I gotta say, it looks pretty ominous from where I'm sitting."
"Does it matter?" Edward said dramatically, wishing that he could hear an orchestral crescendo as he spoke. "What matters is that she will be my belovéd wife, and that we will be happy and in love for all time."
"Yeah, it does matter," Joan said, sounding more than a little annoyed. "I have to deal with two apocalypses a year as it is, and I really don't need you two causing the destruction of the entire human race on top of that."
Edward laughed. "We don't need humans. My family doesn't even feed on them."
"Okay," Joan said in a voice that shouted it was anything but. "Suppose you two unleash a demon that slaughters every living human on the planet. The kids you go to school with, your girlfriend's father...everyone. What do you do?"
Edward gazed at her as if she was insane. "Nothing. Why should I care what happens to mere humans? You're only food, after all. If someone else is hungry-or angry-well, really, does it matter? You live such brief lives as it is."
Joan stared at him as if she couldn't believe her ears. "And that's your destiny. Just...hang out with your undead girlfriend and spout Hallmark cards. And if the rest of the world is suffering-even if the suffering is your responsibility-oh well, sucks to be the world."
"That's a crass way of putting it," Edward said with a sniff. "Of course, I don't suppose I could expect anything better from a-a trollop like you. Now, why don't you just go fetch my dearest Bella from whatever torment is being visited upon her and then leave? Your ramblings and your judgmental human morality weary me."
"Awww, but I haven't had a chance to show you my destiny yet. And it's really simple. It'll just take a second."
Edward smirked at her. "No. What do you say to that?"
She didn't reply...not in words.
Instead, she kicked a hole through his chest.
Edward stared down at the gaping wound which was gushing venom, unable to believe that the skinny leg of a young woman could have possibly punctured his chest and his back.
"Humans do notice when a busload of forty to fifty people goes missing, you know," Joan said in a conversational tone. "Especially when the bus drives to this nice little Etruscan town in Tuscany which has a surprisingly high percentage of disappearances that no one talks about. Now, I've been living in Italy for a while, so I heard the news. Some friends and I were just starting to hit the books when we got this phone call from a woman named Gianna. Said she worked for the Volturi and was not all that thrilled with her employers. Told us to hurry, because if one of them touched her, he'd know her every thought...including the fact that she'd just notified me. So we got there in a hurry. As a note, bazookas and rocket launchers work just about as well on sparklepires as they do on the regular variety."
A look of regret swept across her face. "They turned Gianna. You know something? She kicked Volturi butt. Killed, what's his name, the mindwiper, Caius-and I mean pulverized him. There weren't two motes of dust lying next to each other. After it was over, she asked me to kill her. Said she wanted to go out with some class-before she took a human life."
"You murdered her?" Edward did his best to choke the words out as she grabbed his left arm, casually picked him up with one hand, and tossed him to the other side of the room.
"I think it was more like assisted suicide," Joan said. "Anyway, before she died, she told me about these two vampires and a human girl who just sat there during the massacre of the tourists, sometimes glancing at the door in annoyance when the screams of the dying grew too loud.
"Now, I can believe that the human was terrified of doing anything, felt confused and helpless or is maybe just in desperate need of therapy. But as for the vampires--" She made a face. "Come on. You guys are supposed to be the good ones. And with your mind-reading and Alice's premonitions...you could have tricked the Volturi and saved some people. And not for lunch."
Standing up shakily-why wasn't that hole healing?--Edward lunged at her at perhaps half of normal vampiric speed. He was going to tear this foul human's throat out.
Using only one hand, she blocked his attack.
Edward's smile was vicious. An actual challenge. He hadn't had one of those since...oh, the 1920s to the 1930s, at the latest. This was going to be fun.
Five minutes later, he was wondering how he ever could have thought that. This girl was strong enough to deliver punches and kicks that shattered his marble-like skin. She wasn't prey, and she knew it. She was willing to talk while they fought, but unfortunately it didn't distract her.
"So that's why you tossed Bella to the aliens?" he said, swinging at her and not caring one whit that this...this freak of nature happened to be a girl. "Because you think that my sister and I should have saved the humans?"
"Partly that," Joan said, dodging his punch with ease. "Call me species-ist, but I don't like it when humans are murdered by monsters. I'm funny that way. Also, I think that not caring that humans are being slaughtered next door is pretty bad. Deciding that the screams of the dying make lovely background music as you romance your girlfriend? That's...Hannibal Lecter territory. Also, Bella's not with aliens."
Edward nearly stopped in surprise. "You said she was!"
Joan rolled her eyes. "I lied. My friend Willow cast a teleportation spell and we switched places. Call me crazy, but I thought you'd find aliens and black holes more believable."
She was right, though Edward hated to admit it. Almost anything was more credible than a human having such power.
"So you're just beating me up because you don't like the way I acted?" he said with a haughty sniff. "How small-minded. How petty."
"Oh, I'm sorry! We've never been properly introduced, have we?" She picked him up, slammed him to the floor and straddled him. She ran a hand through her hair-and the bun came undone. The straight blonde hair suddenly falling down to her shoulders was...erotic. That is, she would have been, if she hadn't been a mere human. And blonde.
She gave him a happy smile. "Hi. I'm Buffy, the Vampire Slayer!"
Too late, Edward realized that she was holding a stick from her hair in each hand. No, not sticks. Stakes.
Joan-no, Buffy-held up one of the stakes. "Edward Cullen, say hello to Mister Pointy."
Even then Edward didn't believe it. Yes, she'd cracked his stone skin and kicked a hole through his body, but a stake was just a splinter of wood, wasn't it?
As it turned out, once a vampire's torso was more wound than not, a Slayer could easily insert a couple of stakes into the injuries. Stone skin might be impervious to stakes...but the organs of a vampire certainly were not. And once they'd been driven into his wounded chest cavity, the stakes-soaked in holy water, and embedded with garlic, rosewood and wolfsbane-did the rest.
After that, it was just a question of Buffy burning his remains into ashes, and then sweeping up the ashes with a broom and a Dustbuster.
***
Buffy called Willow, then went downstairs and spoke briefly with Charlie Swan, telling him that Edward Cullen was dead (or at least dead-ish) and that Bella would probably need some therapy once she came home.
"Yeah," Charlie said, sighing. "I expected that. She's been having problems for a while. And of course, I'm not supposed to notice that...or any of the weirdness in this town. Do you know that I've brought up the vampires and the werewolves about twenty times? Not to mention things like magic and immortality? She doesn't hear me. She just murmurs, 'Yes, of course, Dad,' and goes on dreaming about the Cullens and about being a rich vampire." He nearly gagged on the last two words. "And screaming about the agony she's been in since he dumped her."
He shook his head. "Do you think you could ask that witch friend of yours to teleport Bella to her mother's house instead of here? I think it would be better for her if she stayed away from Forks-and the Cullens."
Buffy shook her head. "She's going to have enough to deal with. She's messed up, but that doesn't mean that what happened to her isn't real. As for the Cullens...I don't think they're going to be a problem for much longer." She nodded toward the back door. A few seconds later, someone knocked.
Charlie opened it-and there stood Leah.
"Alice Cullen is dead," she said, her lips curving in a satisfied smile. "God, it takes a long time for stone vampires to burn. You know, she kept staring at me horrified, demanding to know why she was here and screaming that she couldn't see what I was going to do. Like it was that difficult to figure out."
"Is the pack going to give you trouble for this?" Charlie asked, his voice anxious.
"Sam probably will." She glanced at Buffy. "Ex-fiancé. Imprinted on my cousin and best friend and tore half of her face off. For some strange reason, he can't figure out why I got mad about the instant 'love,' his sudden personality change, or his mutilating Emily. And Emily can't figure out why I don't see this whole thing as the truest true love of all time. Unfortunately, Sam sees me as a prime bitch, so that's how the rest of the pack sees me."
Buffy rolled her eyes. "Yeah, because being an abused doormat is obviously better. Is there something in the water around here?"
"Would make a nice explanation, wouldn't it?" Then Leah sighed. "So yeah, there's probably going to be trouble. But not to worry. Billy's backing me. Did you know he's a genealogy nut? Chief Swan's paternal grandmother was a member of the tribe. Which makes the Swans part-Quileute...and this house Quileute territory, under the treaty. Billy's not happy about vampires taking a part-Quileute girl off to Volterra to get turned or eaten. Definite violation of the treaty, as far as he's concerned. And now that Edward and Alice are gone, we can take care of the rest of them far more easily. And if the pack won't-I will."
"Don't suppose you'd want some company when that happens?" Buffy asked wistfully. "I barely worked up a sweat with Wardo. And I'd like to see you in action."
"Why not? Two Alpha bitches are better than one, right?"
For a moment, a look of complete understanding passed between both young women. Then Buffy turned to Charlie. "I hate to sound all AH-nuld, but...I'll be back. I don't think Bella's gonna be too thrilled with me since I dusted her statueboy, but she should hear what happened from me as well as you."
"I don't know how much good that will do," Charlie said, grimacing. "I suspect she'll just wail and scream that now she'll never get to be a vampire."
"What, no wailing about the boyfriend?"
"Only if she remembers that she's supposed to be tragic and in love," Charlie muttered. "Trust me on this."
Buffy scowled for a minute, thinking...then began to smile wickedly. "Chief Swan, would you mind if I took Bella to an alternate dimension for real? Just for a half hour or so? There's this universe next door. It's really dangerous...but I think that Bella should see exactly what life would be like if the vampires won."
***
END NOTES: Leah is already a werewolf here, though she's barely mentioned in New Moon and won't be revealed to be a werewolf until Eclipse.
Edward's adversary used the name "Joan" in this episode.
The title is from the song Satellite by Dave Matthews and the Dave Matthews Band, which refers to a man-made satellite that sees everything-all the changes in the world, everyone's secrets, all the dark things that people don't like to admit. It seemed appropriate for Buffy, who sees far more in this than Edward wants her to see.
The alternate universe Buffy is talking about is the Wishverse. Originally an AU superimposed on Buffy's universe (in which Buffy never came to Sunnydale), it was eventually banished from Buffy's world and the correct timeline was restored. However, as seen in Doppelgangland, the universe, once created, continued to exist...somewhere else.
Finally, Buffy gets derided by Edward for being blonde because Meyer has severe issues with blonde women. None of them ever come off well in her writing.