[017] Make Haste, I Feel Your Heartbeat
Title: Make Haste, I Feel Your Heartbeat
Group: Arashi/KAT-TUN
Pairing/Genre: Matsumoto Jun/Kamenashi Kazuya, a tiny bit of Matsumoto Jun/Ikuta Toma; ANGST, fluff, romance
Rating: R
Word Count: ~6670
Summary: Just when things are finally starting to go right, they go terribly terribly wrong. Naturally.
Notes: Remix of ungalad's The first rain of autumn for jentfic_remix. This was my most challenging piece to date, but I'm very happy with how it turned out. :) MANY MANY thanks to katmillia for helping me plot out a lot of this. Additional love and hugs to my betas lyricalidol and astrangerenters. <333333
Edit: My lovely bff lyricalidol made me this TERRIBLE AWESOME AS HALE BANNER. <3 CLICKY 8D
•••••
Jun woke while it was still dark: the world was still soft in the morning air. The birds hadn't yet started their chorus of sound and the bugs were all still cocooned in the trees and grass, patiently awaiting their turn at the day. He loved waking up before the man next to him. He loved hearing him breathe and seeing his skin shimmer in the moonlight, the way his hair fell gently across his face: ungelled, undone, but beautiful in its chaos. Jun rolled toward Kame softly, wrapping his arm around the slim waist, sneaking a hand up Kame's shirt and resting lightly on his hip. He nuzzled the back of Kame's hair, breathing in all his scents - the sweet strawberry of his shampoo, the lingering tang of cologne, the light freshness of powder left over from the previous day's work.
It was too early to wake him. It had been nearly 2 a.m. when they'd finally collapsed into bed, exhaustion and exhilaration raging an internal battle. Jun was accustomed to living on three, maybe four hours of sleep a night. It didn't make him any more of a morning person, but it certainly made life easier. Ten years of non-stop scheduling had made him grateful for the few moments he could catch between promos, photoshoots, interviews, drama filming, variety shows, commercials, and everything else that got shoved into the nooks and crannies of his day. Kame was newer to the fray, though no less familiar with the intensity that came with being an idol. One gave up everything that was uniquely themselves for the job. It consumed, inside and out, until all that's left was this character created and built and honed into perfection over the years. The only way one stayed sane was having that one person they could turn to - the lighthouse in the storm. Kame had, somehow, become Jun's beacon in the fog.
Neither of them had intended it to turn out this way. It started innocently enough - a handshake that lasted a second too long here, a sidelong glance there. Nino saw it (Nino saw everything) and took it upon himself to make it happen, staging "accidental" meetings between the two, culminating in dinner at Jun's favorite restaurant. Nino had rather conveniently forgotten an important engagement and scurried away, dropping a few bills on the table (and later confessing he'd wheedled them out of Sho with puppy eyes and promises of after-concert fun times), leaving them sitting there in silence. It wasn't long before the conversation (and wine) was flowing easily. That was the first night in quite a while Jun brought someone home with him.
Six months of sleeping together, the occasional dinner, maybe a chat in the hallway, and it still wasn't serious, but Jun could feel himself falling and the anxious pull in his stomach became his constant companion.
The night before had been a blur of hands and lips and tongues and touching all climaxing with Kame's soft, sweet voice breathing out Jun's name in a way he hoped to hear a billion more times.
He didn't know how long he lay there holding Kame, waiting for the other man to wake. The sun slowly began peeking through the bottom of the curtains, bathing the room in the soft pinks and oranges of a new morning. Somewhere an owl hooted softly, signaling the end of one day and the start of another. Jun felt Kame's sharp intake of breath - the waking gasp of a deep sleeper coming out of a dream. He stilled, not wanting to pull Kame out of that perfect place between dream and awake yet. Kame shifted onto his back anyway, looking sleepily at Jun.
"Morning," he said, gravelly voiced and stretching slightly to toss one arm over Jun, bodies aligned.
"Morning," Jun echoed back, leaning in to brush their lips together lightly. Kame's arm tightened its grip around Jun's shoulders, pulling them closer together. Jun sighed, grinning a bit at the younger man's insistent hold.
Kame pulled back and that slow, sly smile crept across his face. Jun fought back a grimace. He knew what that smile meant and it rarely boded well for his pride.
"You were waiting for me to wake up. That’s creepy even for you." Kame was always so sure of these things, the smug little bastard.
"Maybe," Jun said, somewhat unsuccessfully dodging the question and rolling out of bed, a fake scowl firmly in place. "All I could see was your hair, which looks hideous."
Kame pushed past him into the bathroom before Jun could even register that he'd left the bed as well.
"You're just way too in love with me, Matsumoto," Kame sing-songed, eyes twinkling as he slammed the door in Jun's face.
"Can't prove it, Kamenashi!" he yelled back, smiling broadly, knowing it was maybekindasortareallyvery true.
Jun shuffled into the kitchen, humming a bit. He'd never been much of a morning person, but lately he found himself waking with a smile (or at least less of a bitchface according to Nino). He suspected it had quite a bit to do with the man currently using his toothbrush in an entirely too familiar way. Kame slunk into the kitchen a few minutes later, bags under his eyes that would make the makeup ladies earn their wages. The silliness from not five minutes before was gone. Jun looked into Kame's eyes, puzzled.
"Coffee? Breakfast maybe?" He tried a smile and felt it come out crooked.
"Um, yeah, coffee maybe. Thanks." Kame avoided Jun's gaze, grabbing the coffee cup that had somehow become his regular one and pouring a cup. He paused, looking at the cup as if pondering its very existence.
"Are you okay?" Jun asked. Something happened in the few moments between kisses in bed and coffee in the kitchen and Jun was left trying desperately to grasp the invisible answers dangling in front of him. Had he left something embarrassing in the bathroom? He could hardly imagine what would be off limits at this point.
Kame looked up, still avoiding Jun's eyes, and reassured him over and over that he was perfectly fine, nothing was wrong, now hurry the hell up or they'd both be late.
Jun drove them to the jimusho in his shiny new car, carrying on about nothing and everything the whole way - the bag he'd seen at D&G the week before, Sho's new couch (and Nino's threat to "christen" it properly with one or all of his bandmates at some point), the latest concert tour, coffee brands he liked, on and on and on. Kame hardly spoke a word, choosing to stare out the window in silence, offering sounds of agreement or derisiveness at the right moments. Jun couldn't help but feel like Aiba for a moment. This was not them.
They parked in silence, separating in the hallway with little more than a nod and small wave in acknowledgment. Jun stood there for a moment, brows drawn together slightly. Something felt....off. And he was determined to find out what it was. After concert rehearsal. And the interview. Oh, and that promo in the afternoon.
------
Nino whacked Aiba across the head for what seemed like the hundredth time that night and berated him, yet again, for ogling the waitress' ass with a complete lack of subtlety.
August 30th. Jun's birthday. His closest friends, the four people in the world who knew him best, had dragged him rather reluctantly out for a night of drinking and debauchery. Less debauchery and more beer had flowed that night, but Jun couldn't resist glancing at his phone every so often, hoping for a text or a call or ... something. It had been four, maybe five days since he'd parted ways with Kame in the hall. He understood they were both busy. Their lifestyles just didn't account for relationships (oh god, was this a relationship??). He thought for sure, well, Jun had hoped he'd at least hear from him on his birthday. They'd never really fallen into the pattern of calling every day or seeing each other on a consistent basis, but this? This was different. Jun had hoped for something.
"Would you stop that?" Sho's voice pulled Jun out of his reverie for the moment.
"I'm sorry?" he asked.
Sho frowned and leaned over to take Jun's phone out of his hand, stashing it on the table between his own and an empty beer mug. "You've been glancing at it all day. He hasn't called yet. He's not going to."
That stung. More than Jun expected or wanted it to. He scowled at Sho, wondering why he'd ever looked up to the asshole in the first place. "Alcohol makes you awfully lippy there, Sakurai."
"I only speak the truth," Sho replied haughtily, taking a long pull from the new mug placed in front of him. He frowned at Aiba and Nino's cat-calling to the giggling waitress for a moment before turning back to Jun. "It's almost midnight. It's almost over." He put a hand on Jun's arm in what Jun was sure he thought was a comforting gesture, but felt more condescending than anything. "He's not calling. Enjoy this. It's not often we get Nino drunk enough to agree to pay."
The scowl didn't move from Jun's face. "It's not like he's paying anyway," he grumbled. "Saw him lift Leader's wallet when we got here." Jun scowled down at Ohno's napping form on the bench next to him. The man could sleep through a hurricane (and probably would someday).
"I heard that!" A very intoxicated Nino leaned across the table and put his face inches from Jun's. "Are you....impugning my integrity, Matsumoto?"
"Do you even know what 'impugn' means, Nino?" Sho snorted with laughter at Nino's look of drunk indignation. Jun leaned across him to steal back his phone and glanced down, face a mask of disappointment. "I'm heading home, boys. Thanks for the presents and booze."
Jun left his band mates (two creepers, an ass and a sloth) and only stumbled once on his way to the taxi.
The lights of Tokyo sped by none too slowly on the ride home, hypnotizing and addling Jun's brain even further. The heavy summer air pushed its way into the cab, making him feel even warmer than he did from all the alcohol (he knew he shouldn't have let Aiba talk him into a chugging contest, but damn if that smile wasn't impossible to say no to sometimes). Walking through the door of his apartment, he glanced at his phone one last time. Nothing. Not a whimper of hello all day. He set his presents down (a new iPod case from Sho, some weird animal book from Aiba, fishing lures ('Top quality!') from Ohno and a bag of penny candy from Nino - with the promise of something else to be delivered the next morning) and flopped face first on his bed. He reveled for a few moments in the cool silkiness of the sheets before standing and divesting himself of the day's clothes. Jun knew he smelled like cigarette smoke, beer and shame (and maybe a bit of the cake Aiba'd forced-fed him earlier) and he was not permeating his very expensive mattress and silk sheets with that nonsense.
Jun pulled on the soft shorts and tee that had become his bedtime uniform and slid between the sheets. Another year come and gone. He'd hoped for better things for this one. He was sure, given the events of the last few months, maybe, just maybe, this one would be different. Better, somehow. Jun mentally squashed that thought and rolled over into an uneasy sleep.
Not much time had passed when he heard the knocking - loud and insistent. A pause. The knocking again. Jun scrabbled for his glasses and shoved them against his face. 2:04 a.m.? Who the hell would be knocking at this hour? 'If it's Nino and Aiba,' he thought, 'I swear, Arashi will be down to a 3 member group by 2:06.'
It wasn't Aiba or Nino. Or any other member of the group.
Jun stared at Kame, who continued staring at his shoes. "What.....what are you...?"
Kame slowly lifted his eyes to meet Jun's confused gaze. Stepping closer, he leaned in and brushed their lips in the tenderest of kisses. Jun's eyes went wide. This was all he wanted. All he'd asked whatever unnamed being was up there for was Kame for his birthday. A bit late, but he'd take it.
Jun lifted his hands to the sides of Kame's face and looked at him, truly looked at him for the first time in ages. He saw the pain and the frustration and...something else. There was something there he couldn't touch and didn't know if he wanted to. Their lips met again, with more fire this time. Jun wanted and he took. Kame didn't fight it, giving freely of himself to Jun's insistent kisses. Tongues swirled together in a perfect dance of emotion. Jun pulled back reluctantly and realized they were still in the doorway. Without a word, he took Kame's hand and pulled him through the door, shutting and locking it securely behind him. Kame wasn't going anywhere tonight.
He led Kame down the hall, to the bedroom, not a word exchanged between the two. Kame dropped a shopping bag on the floor just inside. Jun raised an eyebrow and received another fiercely hot kiss in return. He could ask about the bag later.
There was something different this time. Wordless emotion flowed between the two bodies meeting in the middle. Kame's near-silent whispers of Jun's name over and over punctuated the heated air. Again and again they met and backed off, limbs entwining, eyes always finding each other, lips caressing the most sensitive bits soft enough to induce strangled groans. It was only when they laid there together afterward, Kame's head on Jun's chest, fingers tracing all his spots and moles and imperfections, that he finally spoke.
"I'm sorry."
"For what?" Jun asked, lifting his head slightly, knowing full well what Kame was apologizing for.
Kame breathed deeply before replying. "For not calling you on your birthday. Or texting. Or giving you a present. I-I should have at least called."
Jun sighed and ran his hand down Kame's arm affectionately. "It's okay." He smiled. "The guys took me drinking. I think I might still be a little drunk, actually."
Kame raised his head and grinned. "Really? I bought you a present anyway. That, you know, that one bag you mentioned. From Dolce."
Jun stilled. That was a rather expensive bag. Really expensive. Even for his budget, which given his love for fine wines and designer clothes, was higher than it should really have been. "You didn't have to do that. This is enough."
"I wanted to," Kame said, lowering his head again, but settling his wandering hand. "You deserve it," he whispered.
Jun kissed the top of his head and closed his eyes. He didn't know what the hell was going on with Kamenashi. But that moment, just being together, was enough.
----
It wasn't long after Jun's birthday that his manager called him in for a meeting.
"Excellent news," the intelligent and very patient Sazu-san said, clapping his hands together. "I am now the manager of the leading actor for the new Yamada Yuu drama!"
"Oh, that is great news," Jun replied with a smile. Yuu had been dating one of his good friends, Oguri Shun, for quite some time. He knew her fairly well and liked her a lot. Filming would be easy going with her around.
"The only downside," Sazu said, glancing at his papers, "is that you'll be sharing the spotlight. With, ah, hm, oh yes, Kamenashi-san from KAT-TUN. Never met him. And one of the kids from NEWS. Koyama or something."
Jun's heart leaped into his throat. "Kame?" He coughed once. "I mean, Kame-kun is in it too? He's a good guy. Should make things interesting." Jun forced a smile and bowed his way out of Sazu's office.
Things had been odd with Kame lately. He was icy one moment, warm and loving the next. Jun didn't know what to think of him anymore. He preferred people who were up front. If someone was going to hate him, he at least hoped they would have the decency to do it to his face. If he was to be loved, he wanted to be loved fully. There was no middle ground, no time for middle ground in Jun's life. All or nothing.
The first day of filming went smoother than Jun expected. Koyama talked a mile a minute, as he'd heard the man was prone to do. Jun smiled and smacked him on the head at the appropriate times. It was kind of like working with Aiba. Koyama felt comfortable to Jun. Kame, on the other hand, had, at some point, had a personality change and hadn't informed anyone. He'd always been on the shy side, quiet until you got to know him, but with an easy, infectious laugh and that slow smile that made Jun weak at the knees. He hadn't seen that smile in a while. Kame on set was stoic, nearly silent. He played his role well: the scary, standoffish young newcomer to Jun's intrepid and outgoing young CEO. Their scenes moved seamlessly together, the way their bodies did the same in the still of the night.
Yuu proved to be an even bigger delight than Jun expected. She was quick on the wit, instantly picking up on the something between the male leads.
"What is going on with you and Kame-kun?" she asked over a quick lunch at the catering table.
Jun's eyebrows shot up nearly to his hairline. "Uh, nothing. Why?"
Yuu picked at her food. "Oh nothing," she sighed. "There's just an awful lot of tension there, and not all of it's work related, if you catch my drift." Popping a piece of shrimp in her mouth, she wandered off to harass Koyama. Probably about his Shige-groping, Jun thought with a scowl.
They all went out for drinks that night - the principal cast. Jun spent the night assuring and reassuring himself that Kame's distance was on purpose. Yes, there was a very good reason the man sat on the other side of the booth with Koyama and never once looked Jun in the eye. He was playing it cool. Surely he was just playing it cool. Didn't want to arouse suspicions.
Jun felt the lines on his forehead get deeper and deeper as Kame scooted closer to Koyama with every quickly disappearing drink. It was to Jun's great relief and pleasure that Yuu left early, claiming other work responsibilities and dragged Koyama off, insisting she give him a ride home. "You only live a few blocks from me, Kei-kun, come ooooon."
The silence in the booth was palpable. "So," Jun started, afraid to look Kame in the eye. Afraid he might see that something he couldn't identify earlier.
"So." Kame replied decisively. He paused, took a breath and paused again. "Can I....can I come home with you tonight?"
Jun's head shot up, a reluctant smile tugging at his cheek. "Sure," he replied.
Kame had snorted when he saw Jun's "special delivery" from Nino for his birthday. A medium-sized aquarium...with a small green and brown turtle munching happily on leaves.
"A turtle?" he asked.
"Nino's idea of a joke," Jun replied. "I couldn't bear to get rid of him though. I'm kind of attached to Turtle-chan."
"Turtle-chan?" Kame smirked. "Only you," he said, crushing their lips in a searing kiss.
The sex was more animalistic this time, rawer to the core. Kame didn't breathe Jun's name the way he liked. He didn't put his hand slowly on Jun's cheek when he felt Jun buried deep within him. He just fucked and got fucked and that's all there was to it. Jun could feel the change. He could see it, even. Kame was only too quick to leave practically the moment they were finished.
"Get the lights on your way out," Jun called, attempting (and failing) to keep the bitterness out of his voice. Somehow, it felt like a one night stand. Could it be a one night stand with someone you slept with on a semi-regular basis? Jun burrowed under the covers and willed himself to sleep.
Several hours later, he awoke to Love So Sweet playing. No, not Love So Sweet. The ringtone to his phone. 'Who in the world...Oh.'
"Is this a booty call?"
"No, I already got that," Kame replied flatly.
"Then what?" Jun was irritated. He valued and loved sleep almost more than anything. Definitely more than sex at the moment.
"I just...I'm sorry." The dial tone was loud and insistent in Jun's ear.
"What the hell?" he asked the room at large. Receiving no reply, he closed the phone and attempted to go back to sleep.
It would be two weeks before they spoke again.
-----
The bags under Kame's eyes were back. (Had they ever really left?) Jun couldn't help but notice, but said nothing. Kame had been distinctly distant toward him for almost 14 solid days. The two texts he'd sent? Ignored. He tried calling once. Voicemail. Jun was not going to fall all over himself to make someone like him and he certainly wasn't going to do it for someone who was hot one minute and cold the next. If he wanted that, he'd be straight.
That wasn't to say it didn't hurt a little.
Maybe a lot.
Kame was nothing but professional on-set. He'd do his scenes, interact with the other cast members, and leave before Jun could so much as utter a "good job" or "how's it going".
So Jun was understandably surprised the afternoon Kame slipped an arm around his slim waist and pulled him close.
"I missed you."
Jun's eyes narrowed in what he hoped was a menacing manner (from the grimace he received, he was pretty sure it was effective). "You missed the person you've been ignoring? How novel." Jun twisted out of Kame's grasp and moved away, going to talk to Yuu yet again. He didn't look back.
Kame was persistent though. Apparently he really needed to get laid. Jun couldn't imagine any other reason for this mind game bullshit.
"Please?" Kame asked hours later after pulling Jun aside once more. Jun couldn't resist those eyes and the way Kame breathed the word the same way he did Jun's name.
"Are you gonna be an asshole about it?" Jun tried (and failed) to keep the disdain out of his voice.
Kame had that kicked-puppy look down. Jun sighed.
"Fine. But only dinner," he said, perhaps a bit harsher than he had intended. He didn't miss the way Kame's eyes lit up before he found himself and slid back into that look of boredom he'd perfected over the years.
It wasn't only dinner. It never was.
-----
Toma's lips were softer and sweeter than Jun remembered; his hands were like velvet as they smoothed the lines on Jun's brow, the tension in his shoulders.
Toma, above anyone, had always been there for Jun. They'd known each other almost half their lives. So many firsts had been shared between them. First kisses and awkward glances and gropes in the dark. First concerts, where Toma was there, backstage, cheering Jun on. Jun's first major drama, the first phone call he got wasn't from his band mates or his parents: it was from Toma. Toma was Jun's cherished friend; nothing more, nothing less.
He just also happened to be a damn good kisser. They'd never gone further than that, not really. Jun was thankful for that. Toma understood. Toma knew what it was to be busy and stressed and maybe just a little heartbroken and in need of someone just to touch him and tell him it would be okay.
That's why Jun kept coming back to Toma. That's why, when Kame continued his trend of being icy and stoic, Jun finally gave up trying. Jun was not a quitter. He didn't believe in giving up on anything. Jun poured every ounce of himself into every aspect of his life. It was all important and it all deserved a high level of commitment.
The thing with Kame....Jun didn't even know what it was. It had started to feel comfortable and secure and all of a sudden, it was complicated and frustrating. He knew where he stood regarding Kame. But he never knew where Kame was.
Toma slid his hand absentmindedly across Jun's hip, eliciting a weak moan. He smiled that devilish little grin of his (the one that made the ladies of Japan swoon) and nipped at Jun's jaw.
"You gonna tell me what's wrong?" he asked. Toma knew how to get right to the point.
Jun slid his fingers through Toma's mop of hair, pulling him back to look in his eyes. "Kame."
"Ah," Toma said in understanding, continuing his trail of nips and kisses along Jun's jawline. "I suspected there was something there."
"Wait, what?" Jun pulled back again to look at Toma fully. Toma's eyebrows pulled together in irritation. It was clear he just wanted to get to the making out part of the night.
"Jun. The whole jimusho knows you guys were boning." Toma couldn't suppress the barking laugh at Jun's look of horror. "It seemed like a good match," he said with a shrug. "You guys are both so anal about everything, why not put you together and see what happens?"
Jun felt like throwing up. It wasn't that they'd ever really tried to keep it a secret, but he certainly didn't want everyone knowing or suspecting he was screwing a coworker. "Oh, fuck my life."
Toma threw his head back and laughed, loud and clear. "Jun, everyone's fucking everyone else. It happens. You, sir, are just noble enough to fuck one person at a time."
It wasn't until hours later that Toma's words sunk in fully. Was Kame sleeping with someone else? Did that and should that bother Jun? It's not like they'd ever said "we're dating" or anything. It was casual. Purely casual. But that didn't keep Jun from missing him. Toma was an excellent kisser, but there was something missing. It was empty and cold this time. No passion, no heat. Jun spent the whole time thinking of Kame's hair in his fingers, of Kame's laugh and his sweet kisses and the few mornings they'd spent bundled in bed for a couple more minutes just because.
The pain built until it overflowed, crushing him with the weight of it all. Jun hadn't cried himself to sleep since Aiba landed in the hospital. He'd sworn to himself he wouldn't ever do it again. And all because of a stupid, fantastic, cold, wonderful person, he broke that promise.
-----
The final day of drama shooting went off without a hitch. Only one NG because Yuu-chan wouldn't stop giggling every time Kame leaned in to kiss her. High on post-drama-filming adrenaline, the director and producer invited the cast and crew out for dinner not far from the studio. Jun watched Kame flinch and glance in his direction. It would be terribly impolite for either of them to decline.
Shun met them at the restaurant, beaming with pride for his friends and Yuu.
"Congrats, guys! Hear the show's going to be a great success," Shun prattled on as he poured more wine for the table. Presumably because they were the principal cast, Jun and Kame ended up sitting awkwardly side by side across from the happy couple.
Shun and Yuu were almost nauseatingly sweet in their subtlety: hands brush under the table, smiles obviously meant just for each other, a quick kiss when the director stood to say his thanks to the crew. Jun's stomach did a turn, and then another. He glanced at Kame, just for a moment. He looked sick. Jun was torn between triumph at Kame's uncomfortableness and a sudden desire to reach out and hold his hand. He stretched his fingers, balled them up in a fist. No. No no no. Whatever they had, whatever that brief period of passion they'd been so lucky as to find, it was over. Jun's heart sank at the realization.
It was over.
Omoide zutto zutto wasurenai sora...
Jun jumped at the sound of his phone and scrambled to open it. Toma.
"Excuse me," Jun said, flipping his phone open as he walked out of the room. "Oh hey! How's it going?"
"Great," Toma replied. "Just found out from my manager I got the lead in that movie I was telling you about!"
"Toma, that's awesome news," Jun said excitedly.
Jun could almost hear Toma's beaming smile through the phone. "Thanks! Don't tell anyone, though. They haven't released the official cast list yet and I don't want my ass in trouble....again."
Jun chuckled. "I promise I won't. Not like anyone here besides Shun cares what I have to say anyway," he said with a scowl.
"Ah, that dinner's nice and awkward, huh?" Toma always knew exactly what was on his mind.
"Yeah...." Jun said. "It's up there with a root canal at this point."
"I say just punch him or kiss him. That'll get your point across," Toma's smirk was definitely being transmitted over phone waves that time.
"You know what, I'll talk to you later." Jun snapped his phone closed and walked back to the table, settling himself back down.
Somewhere in the five minutes he was gone, Kame had turned from chilly to black ice. Waves of tension hung heavy in the air. Shun and Yuu glanced at each other nervously.
"We should probably get going," Shun said as he pulled out Yuu's chair. "Nice to see you again, Kamenashi. Jun."
And then there were two. Jun fiddled with his wine glass, not daring to look at Kame. He kept his face smooth, impassive. The last thing he wanted was for Kame to know how much he'd hurt him. Jun was stronger than any relationship, defined or otherwise, and he wasn't going to let some indecisive child make him feel bad any longer.
"Don't you have plans?"
Jun looked around, brows furrowed in confusion. "What?"
Kame sneered, obviously pissed off about something. Jun could only guess. "You do, don't you? Run off to whoever you've been running to lately," Kame said disparagingly.
Jun felt his temper flare and tried desperately to hold it back. This was not the place to get into a bitch fight. "I don't know what or who you're talking about, Kamenashi, but you'd better get yourself in check before you say something you regret." Jun left, bowing to the director and producer, murmuring his thanks and 'job well done's' to the various cast and crew as he left.
It was colder outside than he'd expected. Early fall felt more like late fall as he donned his scarf. The cool night air did nothing to ease his temper. Jun stalked down the street, becoming more angry with every step. What right did Kame have to ask him about his extracurricular activities? Kame gave up that right a long time ago.
"When he broke my fucking heart," Jun muttered.
"JUN." Dammit. That was the last voice he wanted to hear at this moment.
He considered walking on, forcing Kame to follow him, chase him down. Instead he whirled, fire in his eyes, bile in his throat. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"
Kame looked windswept and downtrodden and just a bit like a lost little kid. "Nothing," he insisted, closing the gap with a few steps. They silently stood there, just barely within arms reach for half a beat.
"Don't tell me nothing's wrong. You've been weird for weeks. Weird and angry about stupid shit and I'm tired of it. I'm tired, Kamenashi. I'm tired of waiting for you to call and being crushed when you don't, then elated when you randomly show up on my doorstep at 2 a.m. Fuck that. We're done. We've been done. Move on. Go back to your Bakanishi and leave me alone."
Jun turned and attempted to stomp off gracefully, fighting back the angry tears. When did he become such a crier? Dammit all.
"Jun, please," Kame pleaded, closing his hand gently around the top of Jun's arm. "Please, just. Just talk to me. I need....I need to talk to you. I don't know anymore," he said, dropping his hand and sighing.
Jun couldn't resist the look of someone lost and in need. He glanced around. They were close enough to...yeah, that'd do. "Come on," he said without a backward glance. The sound of shuffling feet assured him Kame was right there with him.
Five minutes later they were in Sho's apartment, the actual resident of said apartment under strict instructions to wander the park for a bit (but not without plenty of whining and complaining about it being "past midnight, Jun. I have to get up in the morning, you know!").
Kame settled himself rather awkwardly in one of Sho's giant leather arm chairs. Jun chose the opposite end of the couch, wanting to stay as far away as he could without actually leaving the room.
"So," Jun said.
"So."
"Oh come on, Kame. Give me something here." Jun's patience, already thin on the best of days, was impossibly close to breaking. "You've been avoiding me for days, weeks! You haven't properly talked to me on set....ever. What the hell? I thought....I thought we had something going there." Jun's face contorted into something he was sure would never end up on the cover of Myojo. (Maybe a tabloid somewhere, though.)
"And what if I've been ignoring you? It's not like you need me around anyway. I know about you and Toma. Everyone does," Kame spat.
Jun gaped. "What does it matter to you? Toma's my friend," he said, perhaps a touch louder than he should have. Jun's temper broke. He'd finally had enough.
"It matters to me because I fucking love you, you idiot!" Kame froze at his own words, a look of "oh shit" permanently affixed to his face.
"Then why are you being such a dick?" Jun asked, tone softening. He moved to the other end of the couch, closer to the arm chair. "Kame, look at me. Please." Kame met his eyes for the first time in what felt like ages and Jun finally got it. He finally saw what he couldn't figure out. Kame loved him, just the same as Jun loved Kame. Somehow, they'd fallen for each other. Jun could understand the fear, the insecurity that comes with being in love. Especially when it was someone that you probably shouldn't. Especially when it was someone who could potentially ruin your career, your livelihood. They'd worked so hard to each get where they were, both being arguably the most devoted to their groups. Both fighting, tooth and nail, to get to the top. Neither of them wanted to lose that and Jun would be damned if he would be the reason Kame would.
"I love you, too," Jun said, pouring as much emotion into it as he could. "But you can't keep treating me like this. It's all or nothing, Kame. I don't want to waste my time or my heart on someone who's not in it 100 percent."
Kame's eyes went impossibly wide. "I didn't mean to hurt you, Jun. I really didn't. I was scared. I was scared I loved you and you didn't love me and I didn't want to be hurt again. The day I realized it, I was terrified. I ran. I didn't want you to know. I couldn't stop thinking about everything that could go wrong. What if you didn't want this? But I....I can't stay away from you, Jun." Kame moved to kneel in front of him on the floor. "Please. Please don't hate me. I couldn't bear it if you hated me."
Jun slid to the floor and wrapped his arms around Kame. "Of course I don't hate you, you idiot. I've wanted this for a while. You're the best thing to happen to me." He pulled back, gazing into Kame's eyes and tried to reassure him. "If it goes wrong, it goes wrong. But we can't keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Neither of us would ever be happy that way."
Kame's hands found Jun's waist in an almost desperate plea for attention. They met in the middle, mouths melding into one perfect form. It had been too long. Jun groaned deep in the back of his throat when Kame's tongue touched his, the electricity from it shooting through his veins. His fingers wove through Kame's hair, pulling slightly and reveling in the grin and side-squeeze he received in return. They stayed there, kneeling on Sho's floor kissing for who knows how long before Sho found them and kicked them out. Jun pecked Sho's cheek on the way out the door, but at least Kame had the decency to look sheepish.
They held hands walking down to the station. It was late enough they could get away with it and Jun loved every moment of it. He was deliriously happy, grinning that wide smile saved for concerts and Aibaka mistakes. Kame came home with him that night, but it was different than anything either of them had experienced so far. They fit, perfectly, in every way. Jun almost came at the sound of Kame whispering his name in that voice yet again, but he held back. This was gonna last. It was all going to last.
-----
He woke before the sun rose: while the sky was still inky black and ominous. He could barely see the tiny dots of light painting the canvas of night through his window, but he was happy they were there nonetheless. Jun sighed contentedly and pulled Kame closer. They'd slept like that all night - wrapped up in each other in every way possible.
It might not last forever, and it didn't have to, but Jun was more than happy to keep waking up next to him for as long as he was allowed.
Group: Arashi/KAT-TUN
Pairing/Genre: Matsumoto Jun/Kamenashi Kazuya, a tiny bit of Matsumoto Jun/Ikuta Toma; ANGST, fluff, romance
Rating: R
Word Count: ~6670
Summary: Just when things are finally starting to go right, they go terribly terribly wrong. Naturally.
Notes: Remix of ungalad's The first rain of autumn for jentfic_remix. This was my most challenging piece to date, but I'm very happy with how it turned out. :) MANY MANY thanks to katmillia for helping me plot out a lot of this. Additional love and hugs to my betas lyricalidol and astrangerenters. <333333
Edit: My lovely bff lyricalidol made me this TERRIBLE AWESOME AS HALE BANNER. <3 CLICKY 8D
•••••
Jun woke while it was still dark: the world was still soft in the morning air. The birds hadn't yet started their chorus of sound and the bugs were all still cocooned in the trees and grass, patiently awaiting their turn at the day. He loved waking up before the man next to him. He loved hearing him breathe and seeing his skin shimmer in the moonlight, the way his hair fell gently across his face: ungelled, undone, but beautiful in its chaos. Jun rolled toward Kame softly, wrapping his arm around the slim waist, sneaking a hand up Kame's shirt and resting lightly on his hip. He nuzzled the back of Kame's hair, breathing in all his scents - the sweet strawberry of his shampoo, the lingering tang of cologne, the light freshness of powder left over from the previous day's work.
It was too early to wake him. It had been nearly 2 a.m. when they'd finally collapsed into bed, exhaustion and exhilaration raging an internal battle. Jun was accustomed to living on three, maybe four hours of sleep a night. It didn't make him any more of a morning person, but it certainly made life easier. Ten years of non-stop scheduling had made him grateful for the few moments he could catch between promos, photoshoots, interviews, drama filming, variety shows, commercials, and everything else that got shoved into the nooks and crannies of his day. Kame was newer to the fray, though no less familiar with the intensity that came with being an idol. One gave up everything that was uniquely themselves for the job. It consumed, inside and out, until all that's left was this character created and built and honed into perfection over the years. The only way one stayed sane was having that one person they could turn to - the lighthouse in the storm. Kame had, somehow, become Jun's beacon in the fog.
Neither of them had intended it to turn out this way. It started innocently enough - a handshake that lasted a second too long here, a sidelong glance there. Nino saw it (Nino saw everything) and took it upon himself to make it happen, staging "accidental" meetings between the two, culminating in dinner at Jun's favorite restaurant. Nino had rather conveniently forgotten an important engagement and scurried away, dropping a few bills on the table (and later confessing he'd wheedled them out of Sho with puppy eyes and promises of after-concert fun times), leaving them sitting there in silence. It wasn't long before the conversation (and wine) was flowing easily. That was the first night in quite a while Jun brought someone home with him.
Six months of sleeping together, the occasional dinner, maybe a chat in the hallway, and it still wasn't serious, but Jun could feel himself falling and the anxious pull in his stomach became his constant companion.
The night before had been a blur of hands and lips and tongues and touching all climaxing with Kame's soft, sweet voice breathing out Jun's name in a way he hoped to hear a billion more times.
He didn't know how long he lay there holding Kame, waiting for the other man to wake. The sun slowly began peeking through the bottom of the curtains, bathing the room in the soft pinks and oranges of a new morning. Somewhere an owl hooted softly, signaling the end of one day and the start of another. Jun felt Kame's sharp intake of breath - the waking gasp of a deep sleeper coming out of a dream. He stilled, not wanting to pull Kame out of that perfect place between dream and awake yet. Kame shifted onto his back anyway, looking sleepily at Jun.
"Morning," he said, gravelly voiced and stretching slightly to toss one arm over Jun, bodies aligned.
"Morning," Jun echoed back, leaning in to brush their lips together lightly. Kame's arm tightened its grip around Jun's shoulders, pulling them closer together. Jun sighed, grinning a bit at the younger man's insistent hold.
Kame pulled back and that slow, sly smile crept across his face. Jun fought back a grimace. He knew what that smile meant and it rarely boded well for his pride.
"You were waiting for me to wake up. That’s creepy even for you." Kame was always so sure of these things, the smug little bastard.
"Maybe," Jun said, somewhat unsuccessfully dodging the question and rolling out of bed, a fake scowl firmly in place. "All I could see was your hair, which looks hideous."
Kame pushed past him into the bathroom before Jun could even register that he'd left the bed as well.
"You're just way too in love with me, Matsumoto," Kame sing-songed, eyes twinkling as he slammed the door in Jun's face.
"Can't prove it, Kamenashi!" he yelled back, smiling broadly, knowing it was maybekindasortareallyvery true.
Jun shuffled into the kitchen, humming a bit. He'd never been much of a morning person, but lately he found himself waking with a smile (or at least less of a bitchface according to Nino). He suspected it had quite a bit to do with the man currently using his toothbrush in an entirely too familiar way. Kame slunk into the kitchen a few minutes later, bags under his eyes that would make the makeup ladies earn their wages. The silliness from not five minutes before was gone. Jun looked into Kame's eyes, puzzled.
"Coffee? Breakfast maybe?" He tried a smile and felt it come out crooked.
"Um, yeah, coffee maybe. Thanks." Kame avoided Jun's gaze, grabbing the coffee cup that had somehow become his regular one and pouring a cup. He paused, looking at the cup as if pondering its very existence.
"Are you okay?" Jun asked. Something happened in the few moments between kisses in bed and coffee in the kitchen and Jun was left trying desperately to grasp the invisible answers dangling in front of him. Had he left something embarrassing in the bathroom? He could hardly imagine what would be off limits at this point.
Kame looked up, still avoiding Jun's eyes, and reassured him over and over that he was perfectly fine, nothing was wrong, now hurry the hell up or they'd both be late.
Jun drove them to the jimusho in his shiny new car, carrying on about nothing and everything the whole way - the bag he'd seen at D&G the week before, Sho's new couch (and Nino's threat to "christen" it properly with one or all of his bandmates at some point), the latest concert tour, coffee brands he liked, on and on and on. Kame hardly spoke a word, choosing to stare out the window in silence, offering sounds of agreement or derisiveness at the right moments. Jun couldn't help but feel like Aiba for a moment. This was not them.
They parked in silence, separating in the hallway with little more than a nod and small wave in acknowledgment. Jun stood there for a moment, brows drawn together slightly. Something felt....off. And he was determined to find out what it was. After concert rehearsal. And the interview. Oh, and that promo in the afternoon.
------
Nino whacked Aiba across the head for what seemed like the hundredth time that night and berated him, yet again, for ogling the waitress' ass with a complete lack of subtlety.
August 30th. Jun's birthday. His closest friends, the four people in the world who knew him best, had dragged him rather reluctantly out for a night of drinking and debauchery. Less debauchery and more beer had flowed that night, but Jun couldn't resist glancing at his phone every so often, hoping for a text or a call or ... something. It had been four, maybe five days since he'd parted ways with Kame in the hall. He understood they were both busy. Their lifestyles just didn't account for relationships (oh god, was this a relationship??). He thought for sure, well, Jun had hoped he'd at least hear from him on his birthday. They'd never really fallen into the pattern of calling every day or seeing each other on a consistent basis, but this? This was different. Jun had hoped for something.
"Would you stop that?" Sho's voice pulled Jun out of his reverie for the moment.
"I'm sorry?" he asked.
Sho frowned and leaned over to take Jun's phone out of his hand, stashing it on the table between his own and an empty beer mug. "You've been glancing at it all day. He hasn't called yet. He's not going to."
That stung. More than Jun expected or wanted it to. He scowled at Sho, wondering why he'd ever looked up to the asshole in the first place. "Alcohol makes you awfully lippy there, Sakurai."
"I only speak the truth," Sho replied haughtily, taking a long pull from the new mug placed in front of him. He frowned at Aiba and Nino's cat-calling to the giggling waitress for a moment before turning back to Jun. "It's almost midnight. It's almost over." He put a hand on Jun's arm in what Jun was sure he thought was a comforting gesture, but felt more condescending than anything. "He's not calling. Enjoy this. It's not often we get Nino drunk enough to agree to pay."
The scowl didn't move from Jun's face. "It's not like he's paying anyway," he grumbled. "Saw him lift Leader's wallet when we got here." Jun scowled down at Ohno's napping form on the bench next to him. The man could sleep through a hurricane (and probably would someday).
"I heard that!" A very intoxicated Nino leaned across the table and put his face inches from Jun's. "Are you....impugning my integrity, Matsumoto?"
"Do you even know what 'impugn' means, Nino?" Sho snorted with laughter at Nino's look of drunk indignation. Jun leaned across him to steal back his phone and glanced down, face a mask of disappointment. "I'm heading home, boys. Thanks for the presents and booze."
Jun left his band mates (two creepers, an ass and a sloth) and only stumbled once on his way to the taxi.
The lights of Tokyo sped by none too slowly on the ride home, hypnotizing and addling Jun's brain even further. The heavy summer air pushed its way into the cab, making him feel even warmer than he did from all the alcohol (he knew he shouldn't have let Aiba talk him into a chugging contest, but damn if that smile wasn't impossible to say no to sometimes). Walking through the door of his apartment, he glanced at his phone one last time. Nothing. Not a whimper of hello all day. He set his presents down (a new iPod case from Sho, some weird animal book from Aiba, fishing lures ('Top quality!') from Ohno and a bag of penny candy from Nino - with the promise of something else to be delivered the next morning) and flopped face first on his bed. He reveled for a few moments in the cool silkiness of the sheets before standing and divesting himself of the day's clothes. Jun knew he smelled like cigarette smoke, beer and shame (and maybe a bit of the cake Aiba'd forced-fed him earlier) and he was not permeating his very expensive mattress and silk sheets with that nonsense.
Jun pulled on the soft shorts and tee that had become his bedtime uniform and slid between the sheets. Another year come and gone. He'd hoped for better things for this one. He was sure, given the events of the last few months, maybe, just maybe, this one would be different. Better, somehow. Jun mentally squashed that thought and rolled over into an uneasy sleep.
Not much time had passed when he heard the knocking - loud and insistent. A pause. The knocking again. Jun scrabbled for his glasses and shoved them against his face. 2:04 a.m.? Who the hell would be knocking at this hour? 'If it's Nino and Aiba,' he thought, 'I swear, Arashi will be down to a 3 member group by 2:06.'
It wasn't Aiba or Nino. Or any other member of the group.
Jun stared at Kame, who continued staring at his shoes. "What.....what are you...?"
Kame slowly lifted his eyes to meet Jun's confused gaze. Stepping closer, he leaned in and brushed their lips in the tenderest of kisses. Jun's eyes went wide. This was all he wanted. All he'd asked whatever unnamed being was up there for was Kame for his birthday. A bit late, but he'd take it.
Jun lifted his hands to the sides of Kame's face and looked at him, truly looked at him for the first time in ages. He saw the pain and the frustration and...something else. There was something there he couldn't touch and didn't know if he wanted to. Their lips met again, with more fire this time. Jun wanted and he took. Kame didn't fight it, giving freely of himself to Jun's insistent kisses. Tongues swirled together in a perfect dance of emotion. Jun pulled back reluctantly and realized they were still in the doorway. Without a word, he took Kame's hand and pulled him through the door, shutting and locking it securely behind him. Kame wasn't going anywhere tonight.
He led Kame down the hall, to the bedroom, not a word exchanged between the two. Kame dropped a shopping bag on the floor just inside. Jun raised an eyebrow and received another fiercely hot kiss in return. He could ask about the bag later.
There was something different this time. Wordless emotion flowed between the two bodies meeting in the middle. Kame's near-silent whispers of Jun's name over and over punctuated the heated air. Again and again they met and backed off, limbs entwining, eyes always finding each other, lips caressing the most sensitive bits soft enough to induce strangled groans. It was only when they laid there together afterward, Kame's head on Jun's chest, fingers tracing all his spots and moles and imperfections, that he finally spoke.
"I'm sorry."
"For what?" Jun asked, lifting his head slightly, knowing full well what Kame was apologizing for.
Kame breathed deeply before replying. "For not calling you on your birthday. Or texting. Or giving you a present. I-I should have at least called."
Jun sighed and ran his hand down Kame's arm affectionately. "It's okay." He smiled. "The guys took me drinking. I think I might still be a little drunk, actually."
Kame raised his head and grinned. "Really? I bought you a present anyway. That, you know, that one bag you mentioned. From Dolce."
Jun stilled. That was a rather expensive bag. Really expensive. Even for his budget, which given his love for fine wines and designer clothes, was higher than it should really have been. "You didn't have to do that. This is enough."
"I wanted to," Kame said, lowering his head again, but settling his wandering hand. "You deserve it," he whispered.
Jun kissed the top of his head and closed his eyes. He didn't know what the hell was going on with Kamenashi. But that moment, just being together, was enough.
----
It wasn't long after Jun's birthday that his manager called him in for a meeting.
"Excellent news," the intelligent and very patient Sazu-san said, clapping his hands together. "I am now the manager of the leading actor for the new Yamada Yuu drama!"
"Oh, that is great news," Jun replied with a smile. Yuu had been dating one of his good friends, Oguri Shun, for quite some time. He knew her fairly well and liked her a lot. Filming would be easy going with her around.
"The only downside," Sazu said, glancing at his papers, "is that you'll be sharing the spotlight. With, ah, hm, oh yes, Kamenashi-san from KAT-TUN. Never met him. And one of the kids from NEWS. Koyama or something."
Jun's heart leaped into his throat. "Kame?" He coughed once. "I mean, Kame-kun is in it too? He's a good guy. Should make things interesting." Jun forced a smile and bowed his way out of Sazu's office.
Things had been odd with Kame lately. He was icy one moment, warm and loving the next. Jun didn't know what to think of him anymore. He preferred people who were up front. If someone was going to hate him, he at least hoped they would have the decency to do it to his face. If he was to be loved, he wanted to be loved fully. There was no middle ground, no time for middle ground in Jun's life. All or nothing.
The first day of filming went smoother than Jun expected. Koyama talked a mile a minute, as he'd heard the man was prone to do. Jun smiled and smacked him on the head at the appropriate times. It was kind of like working with Aiba. Koyama felt comfortable to Jun. Kame, on the other hand, had, at some point, had a personality change and hadn't informed anyone. He'd always been on the shy side, quiet until you got to know him, but with an easy, infectious laugh and that slow smile that made Jun weak at the knees. He hadn't seen that smile in a while. Kame on set was stoic, nearly silent. He played his role well: the scary, standoffish young newcomer to Jun's intrepid and outgoing young CEO. Their scenes moved seamlessly together, the way their bodies did the same in the still of the night.
Yuu proved to be an even bigger delight than Jun expected. She was quick on the wit, instantly picking up on the something between the male leads.
"What is going on with you and Kame-kun?" she asked over a quick lunch at the catering table.
Jun's eyebrows shot up nearly to his hairline. "Uh, nothing. Why?"
Yuu picked at her food. "Oh nothing," she sighed. "There's just an awful lot of tension there, and not all of it's work related, if you catch my drift." Popping a piece of shrimp in her mouth, she wandered off to harass Koyama. Probably about his Shige-groping, Jun thought with a scowl.
They all went out for drinks that night - the principal cast. Jun spent the night assuring and reassuring himself that Kame's distance was on purpose. Yes, there was a very good reason the man sat on the other side of the booth with Koyama and never once looked Jun in the eye. He was playing it cool. Surely he was just playing it cool. Didn't want to arouse suspicions.
Jun felt the lines on his forehead get deeper and deeper as Kame scooted closer to Koyama with every quickly disappearing drink. It was to Jun's great relief and pleasure that Yuu left early, claiming other work responsibilities and dragged Koyama off, insisting she give him a ride home. "You only live a few blocks from me, Kei-kun, come ooooon."
The silence in the booth was palpable. "So," Jun started, afraid to look Kame in the eye. Afraid he might see that something he couldn't identify earlier.
"So." Kame replied decisively. He paused, took a breath and paused again. "Can I....can I come home with you tonight?"
Jun's head shot up, a reluctant smile tugging at his cheek. "Sure," he replied.
Kame had snorted when he saw Jun's "special delivery" from Nino for his birthday. A medium-sized aquarium...with a small green and brown turtle munching happily on leaves.
"A turtle?" he asked.
"Nino's idea of a joke," Jun replied. "I couldn't bear to get rid of him though. I'm kind of attached to Turtle-chan."
"Turtle-chan?" Kame smirked. "Only you," he said, crushing their lips in a searing kiss.
The sex was more animalistic this time, rawer to the core. Kame didn't breathe Jun's name the way he liked. He didn't put his hand slowly on Jun's cheek when he felt Jun buried deep within him. He just fucked and got fucked and that's all there was to it. Jun could feel the change. He could see it, even. Kame was only too quick to leave practically the moment they were finished.
"Get the lights on your way out," Jun called, attempting (and failing) to keep the bitterness out of his voice. Somehow, it felt like a one night stand. Could it be a one night stand with someone you slept with on a semi-regular basis? Jun burrowed under the covers and willed himself to sleep.
Several hours later, he awoke to Love So Sweet playing. No, not Love So Sweet. The ringtone to his phone. 'Who in the world...Oh.'
"Is this a booty call?"
"No, I already got that," Kame replied flatly.
"Then what?" Jun was irritated. He valued and loved sleep almost more than anything. Definitely more than sex at the moment.
"I just...I'm sorry." The dial tone was loud and insistent in Jun's ear.
"What the hell?" he asked the room at large. Receiving no reply, he closed the phone and attempted to go back to sleep.
It would be two weeks before they spoke again.
-----
The bags under Kame's eyes were back. (Had they ever really left?) Jun couldn't help but notice, but said nothing. Kame had been distinctly distant toward him for almost 14 solid days. The two texts he'd sent? Ignored. He tried calling once. Voicemail. Jun was not going to fall all over himself to make someone like him and he certainly wasn't going to do it for someone who was hot one minute and cold the next. If he wanted that, he'd be straight.
That wasn't to say it didn't hurt a little.
Maybe a lot.
Kame was nothing but professional on-set. He'd do his scenes, interact with the other cast members, and leave before Jun could so much as utter a "good job" or "how's it going".
So Jun was understandably surprised the afternoon Kame slipped an arm around his slim waist and pulled him close.
"I missed you."
Jun's eyes narrowed in what he hoped was a menacing manner (from the grimace he received, he was pretty sure it was effective). "You missed the person you've been ignoring? How novel." Jun twisted out of Kame's grasp and moved away, going to talk to Yuu yet again. He didn't look back.
Kame was persistent though. Apparently he really needed to get laid. Jun couldn't imagine any other reason for this mind game bullshit.
"Please?" Kame asked hours later after pulling Jun aside once more. Jun couldn't resist those eyes and the way Kame breathed the word the same way he did Jun's name.
"Are you gonna be an asshole about it?" Jun tried (and failed) to keep the disdain out of his voice.
Kame had that kicked-puppy look down. Jun sighed.
"Fine. But only dinner," he said, perhaps a bit harsher than he had intended. He didn't miss the way Kame's eyes lit up before he found himself and slid back into that look of boredom he'd perfected over the years.
It wasn't only dinner. It never was.
-----
Toma's lips were softer and sweeter than Jun remembered; his hands were like velvet as they smoothed the lines on Jun's brow, the tension in his shoulders.
Toma, above anyone, had always been there for Jun. They'd known each other almost half their lives. So many firsts had been shared between them. First kisses and awkward glances and gropes in the dark. First concerts, where Toma was there, backstage, cheering Jun on. Jun's first major drama, the first phone call he got wasn't from his band mates or his parents: it was from Toma. Toma was Jun's cherished friend; nothing more, nothing less.
He just also happened to be a damn good kisser. They'd never gone further than that, not really. Jun was thankful for that. Toma understood. Toma knew what it was to be busy and stressed and maybe just a little heartbroken and in need of someone just to touch him and tell him it would be okay.
That's why Jun kept coming back to Toma. That's why, when Kame continued his trend of being icy and stoic, Jun finally gave up trying. Jun was not a quitter. He didn't believe in giving up on anything. Jun poured every ounce of himself into every aspect of his life. It was all important and it all deserved a high level of commitment.
The thing with Kame....Jun didn't even know what it was. It had started to feel comfortable and secure and all of a sudden, it was complicated and frustrating. He knew where he stood regarding Kame. But he never knew where Kame was.
Toma slid his hand absentmindedly across Jun's hip, eliciting a weak moan. He smiled that devilish little grin of his (the one that made the ladies of Japan swoon) and nipped at Jun's jaw.
"You gonna tell me what's wrong?" he asked. Toma knew how to get right to the point.
Jun slid his fingers through Toma's mop of hair, pulling him back to look in his eyes. "Kame."
"Ah," Toma said in understanding, continuing his trail of nips and kisses along Jun's jawline. "I suspected there was something there."
"Wait, what?" Jun pulled back again to look at Toma fully. Toma's eyebrows pulled together in irritation. It was clear he just wanted to get to the making out part of the night.
"Jun. The whole jimusho knows you guys were boning." Toma couldn't suppress the barking laugh at Jun's look of horror. "It seemed like a good match," he said with a shrug. "You guys are both so anal about everything, why not put you together and see what happens?"
Jun felt like throwing up. It wasn't that they'd ever really tried to keep it a secret, but he certainly didn't want everyone knowing or suspecting he was screwing a coworker. "Oh, fuck my life."
Toma threw his head back and laughed, loud and clear. "Jun, everyone's fucking everyone else. It happens. You, sir, are just noble enough to fuck one person at a time."
It wasn't until hours later that Toma's words sunk in fully. Was Kame sleeping with someone else? Did that and should that bother Jun? It's not like they'd ever said "we're dating" or anything. It was casual. Purely casual. But that didn't keep Jun from missing him. Toma was an excellent kisser, but there was something missing. It was empty and cold this time. No passion, no heat. Jun spent the whole time thinking of Kame's hair in his fingers, of Kame's laugh and his sweet kisses and the few mornings they'd spent bundled in bed for a couple more minutes just because.
The pain built until it overflowed, crushing him with the weight of it all. Jun hadn't cried himself to sleep since Aiba landed in the hospital. He'd sworn to himself he wouldn't ever do it again. And all because of a stupid, fantastic, cold, wonderful person, he broke that promise.
-----
The final day of drama shooting went off without a hitch. Only one NG because Yuu-chan wouldn't stop giggling every time Kame leaned in to kiss her. High on post-drama-filming adrenaline, the director and producer invited the cast and crew out for dinner not far from the studio. Jun watched Kame flinch and glance in his direction. It would be terribly impolite for either of them to decline.
Shun met them at the restaurant, beaming with pride for his friends and Yuu.
"Congrats, guys! Hear the show's going to be a great success," Shun prattled on as he poured more wine for the table. Presumably because they were the principal cast, Jun and Kame ended up sitting awkwardly side by side across from the happy couple.
Shun and Yuu were almost nauseatingly sweet in their subtlety: hands brush under the table, smiles obviously meant just for each other, a quick kiss when the director stood to say his thanks to the crew. Jun's stomach did a turn, and then another. He glanced at Kame, just for a moment. He looked sick. Jun was torn between triumph at Kame's uncomfortableness and a sudden desire to reach out and hold his hand. He stretched his fingers, balled them up in a fist. No. No no no. Whatever they had, whatever that brief period of passion they'd been so lucky as to find, it was over. Jun's heart sank at the realization.
It was over.
Omoide zutto zutto wasurenai sora...
Jun jumped at the sound of his phone and scrambled to open it. Toma.
"Excuse me," Jun said, flipping his phone open as he walked out of the room. "Oh hey! How's it going?"
"Great," Toma replied. "Just found out from my manager I got the lead in that movie I was telling you about!"
"Toma, that's awesome news," Jun said excitedly.
Jun could almost hear Toma's beaming smile through the phone. "Thanks! Don't tell anyone, though. They haven't released the official cast list yet and I don't want my ass in trouble....again."
Jun chuckled. "I promise I won't. Not like anyone here besides Shun cares what I have to say anyway," he said with a scowl.
"Ah, that dinner's nice and awkward, huh?" Toma always knew exactly what was on his mind.
"Yeah...." Jun said. "It's up there with a root canal at this point."
"I say just punch him or kiss him. That'll get your point across," Toma's smirk was definitely being transmitted over phone waves that time.
"You know what, I'll talk to you later." Jun snapped his phone closed and walked back to the table, settling himself back down.
Somewhere in the five minutes he was gone, Kame had turned from chilly to black ice. Waves of tension hung heavy in the air. Shun and Yuu glanced at each other nervously.
"We should probably get going," Shun said as he pulled out Yuu's chair. "Nice to see you again, Kamenashi. Jun."
And then there were two. Jun fiddled with his wine glass, not daring to look at Kame. He kept his face smooth, impassive. The last thing he wanted was for Kame to know how much he'd hurt him. Jun was stronger than any relationship, defined or otherwise, and he wasn't going to let some indecisive child make him feel bad any longer.
"Don't you have plans?"
Jun looked around, brows furrowed in confusion. "What?"
Kame sneered, obviously pissed off about something. Jun could only guess. "You do, don't you? Run off to whoever you've been running to lately," Kame said disparagingly.
Jun felt his temper flare and tried desperately to hold it back. This was not the place to get into a bitch fight. "I don't know what or who you're talking about, Kamenashi, but you'd better get yourself in check before you say something you regret." Jun left, bowing to the director and producer, murmuring his thanks and 'job well done's' to the various cast and crew as he left.
It was colder outside than he'd expected. Early fall felt more like late fall as he donned his scarf. The cool night air did nothing to ease his temper. Jun stalked down the street, becoming more angry with every step. What right did Kame have to ask him about his extracurricular activities? Kame gave up that right a long time ago.
"When he broke my fucking heart," Jun muttered.
"JUN." Dammit. That was the last voice he wanted to hear at this moment.
He considered walking on, forcing Kame to follow him, chase him down. Instead he whirled, fire in his eyes, bile in his throat. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"
Kame looked windswept and downtrodden and just a bit like a lost little kid. "Nothing," he insisted, closing the gap with a few steps. They silently stood there, just barely within arms reach for half a beat.
"Don't tell me nothing's wrong. You've been weird for weeks. Weird and angry about stupid shit and I'm tired of it. I'm tired, Kamenashi. I'm tired of waiting for you to call and being crushed when you don't, then elated when you randomly show up on my doorstep at 2 a.m. Fuck that. We're done. We've been done. Move on. Go back to your Bakanishi and leave me alone."
Jun turned and attempted to stomp off gracefully, fighting back the angry tears. When did he become such a crier? Dammit all.
"Jun, please," Kame pleaded, closing his hand gently around the top of Jun's arm. "Please, just. Just talk to me. I need....I need to talk to you. I don't know anymore," he said, dropping his hand and sighing.
Jun couldn't resist the look of someone lost and in need. He glanced around. They were close enough to...yeah, that'd do. "Come on," he said without a backward glance. The sound of shuffling feet assured him Kame was right there with him.
Five minutes later they were in Sho's apartment, the actual resident of said apartment under strict instructions to wander the park for a bit (but not without plenty of whining and complaining about it being "past midnight, Jun. I have to get up in the morning, you know!").
Kame settled himself rather awkwardly in one of Sho's giant leather arm chairs. Jun chose the opposite end of the couch, wanting to stay as far away as he could without actually leaving the room.
"So," Jun said.
"So."
"Oh come on, Kame. Give me something here." Jun's patience, already thin on the best of days, was impossibly close to breaking. "You've been avoiding me for days, weeks! You haven't properly talked to me on set....ever. What the hell? I thought....I thought we had something going there." Jun's face contorted into something he was sure would never end up on the cover of Myojo. (Maybe a tabloid somewhere, though.)
"And what if I've been ignoring you? It's not like you need me around anyway. I know about you and Toma. Everyone does," Kame spat.
Jun gaped. "What does it matter to you? Toma's my friend," he said, perhaps a touch louder than he should have. Jun's temper broke. He'd finally had enough.
"It matters to me because I fucking love you, you idiot!" Kame froze at his own words, a look of "oh shit" permanently affixed to his face.
"Then why are you being such a dick?" Jun asked, tone softening. He moved to the other end of the couch, closer to the arm chair. "Kame, look at me. Please." Kame met his eyes for the first time in what felt like ages and Jun finally got it. He finally saw what he couldn't figure out. Kame loved him, just the same as Jun loved Kame. Somehow, they'd fallen for each other. Jun could understand the fear, the insecurity that comes with being in love. Especially when it was someone that you probably shouldn't. Especially when it was someone who could potentially ruin your career, your livelihood. They'd worked so hard to each get where they were, both being arguably the most devoted to their groups. Both fighting, tooth and nail, to get to the top. Neither of them wanted to lose that and Jun would be damned if he would be the reason Kame would.
"I love you, too," Jun said, pouring as much emotion into it as he could. "But you can't keep treating me like this. It's all or nothing, Kame. I don't want to waste my time or my heart on someone who's not in it 100 percent."
Kame's eyes went impossibly wide. "I didn't mean to hurt you, Jun. I really didn't. I was scared. I was scared I loved you and you didn't love me and I didn't want to be hurt again. The day I realized it, I was terrified. I ran. I didn't want you to know. I couldn't stop thinking about everything that could go wrong. What if you didn't want this? But I....I can't stay away from you, Jun." Kame moved to kneel in front of him on the floor. "Please. Please don't hate me. I couldn't bear it if you hated me."
Jun slid to the floor and wrapped his arms around Kame. "Of course I don't hate you, you idiot. I've wanted this for a while. You're the best thing to happen to me." He pulled back, gazing into Kame's eyes and tried to reassure him. "If it goes wrong, it goes wrong. But we can't keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Neither of us would ever be happy that way."
Kame's hands found Jun's waist in an almost desperate plea for attention. They met in the middle, mouths melding into one perfect form. It had been too long. Jun groaned deep in the back of his throat when Kame's tongue touched his, the electricity from it shooting through his veins. His fingers wove through Kame's hair, pulling slightly and reveling in the grin and side-squeeze he received in return. They stayed there, kneeling on Sho's floor kissing for who knows how long before Sho found them and kicked them out. Jun pecked Sho's cheek on the way out the door, but at least Kame had the decency to look sheepish.
They held hands walking down to the station. It was late enough they could get away with it and Jun loved every moment of it. He was deliriously happy, grinning that wide smile saved for concerts and Aibaka mistakes. Kame came home with him that night, but it was different than anything either of them had experienced so far. They fit, perfectly, in every way. Jun almost came at the sound of Kame whispering his name in that voice yet again, but he held back. This was gonna last. It was all going to last.
-----
He woke before the sun rose: while the sky was still inky black and ominous. He could barely see the tiny dots of light painting the canvas of night through his window, but he was happy they were there nonetheless. Jun sighed contentedly and pulled Kame closer. They'd slept like that all night - wrapped up in each other in every way possible.
It might not last forever, and it didn't have to, but Jun was more than happy to keep waking up next to him for as long as he was allowed.