(no subject)
I have a love-hate relationship with doors. The better I feel, the fewer I want around me. If I were a happy person most of the time I'd want to live in an open-floorplan place with a door for the bathroom and curtains across my bedroom instead of a door.
The more upset I am the more doors I want. I close myself in, physically, as my mind slides down into despair. I stay in my room, with the door partially or fully closed. I block off, I close down, I hide away.
My front door is my safety and my warden these days. Passing it without help, without someone to emotionally bolster me, is like attempting to walk onto coals without training. It hurts, it's hard, it frightens me until I am dizzy and I want to cry. Even standing on the porch is beyond me most days. But when the door is closed I feel ... not okay. Not good, but safer. As though the worst of the world can't come in and get me.
I'm not okay right now. It's hard to have any enthusiasm for anything, really, and the near-constant attempts to keep my chin up and keep from worrying people is grinding me down as certainly as the fact that I feel like I'm drowning in my own angst. The urge to drop everything and disappear hasn't been this strong in a very long time.
I feel trapped, but I can't open the doors.
The more upset I am the more doors I want. I close myself in, physically, as my mind slides down into despair. I stay in my room, with the door partially or fully closed. I block off, I close down, I hide away.
My front door is my safety and my warden these days. Passing it without help, without someone to emotionally bolster me, is like attempting to walk onto coals without training. It hurts, it's hard, it frightens me until I am dizzy and I want to cry. Even standing on the porch is beyond me most days. But when the door is closed I feel ... not okay. Not good, but safer. As though the worst of the world can't come in and get me.
I'm not okay right now. It's hard to have any enthusiasm for anything, really, and the near-constant attempts to keep my chin up and keep from worrying people is grinding me down as certainly as the fact that I feel like I'm drowning in my own angst. The urge to drop everything and disappear hasn't been this strong in a very long time.
I feel trapped, but I can't open the doors.