England v Portugal
Beckham just came off after a craptacular 50 minutes to be replaced by Aaron Lennon.
Frank Lampard just mishit a wide open shot off a corner. He'll never score.
England suck.
Edit 56 min:
Portugal's Maniche just did a pathetic dive of Rivaldo-esque proportions. Fucking disgrace to the game.
Edit 60 min:
ROONEY SENT OFF???? MAYBE worth a yellow... WOW. There will be rioting in the streets of Gelsenkirchen tonight!
66 min:
Joe Cole comes off for Peter Crouch. Cole was the only midfielder doing ANYTHING on the pitch. Crouch hasn't done anything really during this world cup. WHY OH WHY did you bring Theo Walcott if you have no intention of playing him, England??
68 min:
England trot around their penalty area after a corner by Portugal as the Portuguese merrily fire shots, which fortunately all miss.
70 min:
Cristiano Ronaldo does some more pathetic play-acting. After this World Cup, he will probably leave Man United. I can't imagine her and Rooney playing on the same pitch.
72 min:
English support seem a bit subdued, offering only polite applause when England do something well. They have little to be excited about at the moment, what with Rooney out, Beckham out and Crouch on.
73 min: A break for England. Steven Gerrard beats the offside trap makes a brief run and sends a cross miles in front of an oncoming Peter Crouch. Wasteful yet again.
75 min: Portugal haven't looked particularly threatening since the Rooney sending-off. Peculiar. Neither side look likely to score at the moment, really.
77 min: Maniche, Oscar candidate for least convincing diver unleashes a long shot that misses quite badly. His hair is shiny, though.
78 min: Amazing defense from England. Paul Robinson makes a fantastic one-handed save, followed up moments later by a brilliant Rio Ferdinand tackle in the box. It was perfectly timed and it had to be.
80 min: Portugal's Hugo Viana takes an inadvertent elbow from Peter Crouch in the face. His winking efforts are comical. After some rolling around he appears to be fine. He just hit a blistering shot at Paul Robinson, which is covered well.
82 min: What is so special about David Beckham? Honestly. He's pure crap and his replacement just made a great run to win a dangerous free kick, which Frank Lampard will almost certainly miss.
83 min: Well, the shot was on net and that's what counts. The rebound falls to Aaron Lennon who is only able to get a weak shot away. Unfortunate for England. How many chances will they get?
85 min: Maniche unleashes a vicious lob from 20 yards out that was almost 10 yards too high. Hair still shiny.
86 min: Figo comes off for Helder Postiga. He almost makes an immediate impact on a header attempt.
88 min: The English support breaks into a round of God Save The Queen followed by "England! England!" but only briefly. I was about to say it sounds like they've found their voice, but it seems they've lost it again.
90 min: Maniche's shiny tresses send his weakest shot yet into Paul Robinson's inviting arms. England spring the counter attack. 3 minutes of stoppage time to be added.
91 min: Lennon wins a corner. Lampard's corner is long. Hargreaves brings the ball forward again. Terry's shot from the pass is deflected for a corner.
92 min: Helder Postiga gets a chance on the Portuguese counter attack that may very well have left the AufSchalke Arena, so high it was.
93 min: End of Regular Time. After a brief break for water and biscuits, there will be two 15-minute halves of "Silver Goal" time. It's now basically a half hour match. No longer is it Golden Goal, i.e. sudden death OT. The score after this half hour will determine the winner. And surprisingly, after 90, England have looked the more dangerous. One may think it is because England is being forced to play outside of Eriksson's rigid mould. No Rooney or Beckham, so the players have license to show some creativity.
ET 1 min: Portugal kick off.
ET 2 min: England are totally on the back foot. Hargreaves dispossess Ronaldo well. The follow-up shot ends up miles high and wide.
ET 3 min: Crouch wins a free kick about 30 yards out. Lampard to take. Deflected by a corner to Portugal's protest.
ET 4 min: Aaron Lennon wins a throw deep in Portugal territory. Why hasn't he been starting? The English attack breaks down after a weak Steven Gerrard cross. Simao unleashes a fierce shot from 18 yards that misses the post by some 18 yards. England will be content for Portugal to shoot like this for half an hour.
ET 7 min: Crouch's free kick claim is waved off and Portugal break. Miguel's deep cross is so deep it crosses the end line for an England goal kick.
ET 8 min: Steven Gerrard wins a free kick on a weak foul. Hargreaves to take. Cleared by Portugal but England get it back. Great Pressure!
ET 9 min: Crouch heads a Gerrard cross away from the net when it may have been easier to score. It appears there may have been a foul on the player, for Crouch on the Portuguese defender.
ET 10 min: English anuses pucker as a Rio Ferdinand back pass is hit hard and forces Paul Robinson into a somewhat panicked clearance. Portuguese throw, but their attack comes to naught.
ET 12 min: England attack! Lennon runs at the defence but nothing comes of it, as Peter Crouch's long legs just can't move the ball quickly enough. Portugal break but England handle the pressure and clear to Crouch, the Landwalker.
ET 13 min: Peter Crouch wins a free kick. The Portuguese attempts to kick his legs look like a child trying to cut down a tree with an elastic band.
ET 14 min: Cristiano Ronaldo unleashes a solid shot from 25 yards after an Ashley Cole turnover just over the bar. Paul Robinson jumps, flaps and falls down all the same.
ET Half Time: Deadlocked. Incidentally, apologies for filling your friends' pages.
ET 16 min: England kick off. This has been a great performance from short-handed England. Portugal go offside quickly.
ET 16 min: Aaron Lennon is cut down in the penalty area by Nuno Valente after making a great move towards goal. His protests are waved off and Hargreaves is booked for bitching. If that wasn't a penalty, then why wasn't Lennon booked for diving?
ET 17 min: Helder Postiga has a goal correctly waved off for offside. A bit disconcerting that Paul Robinson was so certain about it that he didn't even attempt to save the header.
ET 18 min: Steven Gerrard unleashes a terrible off-balance shot. Sven Goran Eriksson looks unphased. Sometimes I wonder if he knows anything at all about this game. His to-be successor and assistant Steve McClaren looks like he really does all the work.
ET 19 min: Ricardo Carvalho is booked for hip-checking Gary Neville. He appears bewildered.
ET 20 min: Aaron Lennon terrorises the right side again, but just overhits the ball and it crosses the line before he can deliver his cross.
ET 23 min: I get a phone call. Hopefully nothing exciting happens.
ET 27 min: Phone call concludes. Didn't miss anything important, so it would appear. Jamie Carragher comes on for... AARON LENNON??? Carragher must be a penalty taker, but surely you'd think that Lennon could as well.
ET 30 min: Portugal press as the seconds tick away on extra time. A cross is sent out by Carragher for a corner. This should about do it. Time is up. For some reason they're playing a minute of additional time. Maniche hits the last shot of extra time 20 yards high from 12 yards out.
ET 31 min: Referee blows his whistle. This does not bode well for England who have never won on penalty kicks at a major tournament. And who will shoot for them?
Portugal to shoot first. Simao shoots... Goal. Perfect shot.
England. Lampard. Shoots... Saved. I fucking knew it. Weak side-foot shot.
Portugal. Viana. Shoots... Misses! Outside of the post with Robinson sent the wrong way.
England. Hargreaves. Shoots... Goal. A touch from the keeper not enough to keep it out.
Portugal. Petit. Shoots... Misses! Might have been a touch from Robinson, but it was well wide.
England. Gerrard. Shoots... Saved. Another weak shot exactly where Lampard put his.
Portugal. Postiga. Shoots... Goal. Robinson did a nice jig to try and will the shot wide though.
England. Carragher. Shoots... too early. Shoots again... Saved. And he was brought on for this? Awful second shot.
Portugal. Ronaldo. Shoots... Goal. And England are eliminated yet again from the World Cup.