Is this what growing up feels like?
Last night I made one of the most mature decisions I think I have ever made. I know it was the right decision, so why is a part of me still kicking myself for it? As Tali said, at least I'm not kicking myself for making the wrong decision because that would be even more painful. The thing is, I'm not sure it would have been painful at all. It would have been the decision I've made before and it's the easy choice. I am proud of myself but a part of me wishes the right thing wasn't always the hard thing to do. This time I don't know what the outcome will be, and that scares me. I have some idea but I don't like that ending. I don't want there to be an ending at all, at least not yet. If I had simply done what I always do I'd at least be in control of the situation. Yes, there would be a definite ending to that situation then and I wouldn't like that either but at least I would know what was coming, I could plan for it and guard myself from all of it. I'd have control of the whole thing. This way there's a glimmer of hope inside me that I can't turn off. Isn't hope supposed to be a good thing? Why does it make me want to cry more than I've cried in a long time? I can't stop thinking about all of it and I wish there was a way I could hide away until I see what's going to ultimately happen. Then I'd have a chance to protect myself and prepare for it.