(no subject)
Damn, am I lucky.
I was thinking about Cameron again and looking through his pictures, again,... and then that song came on ("I Remember You" by Skid Row). Usually the immediate sound of it conjures "old" memories (that is, memories concerning old matters)... stuff about what happened between Scotty and I. And looking at Cameron, thinking about his chubby cheeks, his messy bookcase, his portfolio binder, his ever-awesome ways of making everything all right,... it scared me. I thought, for the first time: would history repeat itself? Is that how little I've learnt? To just fall into the same mess again?
To tell you the truth, even as I was giving these questions thought, I didn't really trust them. I didn't believe it. But, this was the first time I'd ever thought about it... and I used to think about it constantly with Scott. I'm not clear how it really played out, but possibly, among all of the other reasons, my fear of failure (in relationships in this case, though that fear is quite generously applied to most of my other attempts at happiness) made me apprehensive... to do certain things. Maybe, to creating any boundaries between my independent life and my personal life, or to exposing my complete personality. I do know those were problems in the relationship, but as far as my fear of failure playing a role in their manifestation, its implication will be concluded at a later time.
But with Cameron... He's just............ magnificent. Perfect. GRANDIOSE, even :-P. He really is just for me, and he really makes me feel comfortable with being myself around him. Around others, I can do, but around him... that's pretty amazing to me. *Sigh* I won't let my stubborn, assuming, know-it-all self get in the way of this.
No, I've learnt so much more. I can't believe how lucky I am...
Hahah, luck... 'never did believe in it. I guess I'll just congratulate myself and Cameron: Good Fate Paths! Yaaaay!! (^_^)!
I was thinking about Cameron again and looking through his pictures, again,... and then that song came on ("I Remember You" by Skid Row). Usually the immediate sound of it conjures "old" memories (that is, memories concerning old matters)... stuff about what happened between Scotty and I. And looking at Cameron, thinking about his chubby cheeks, his messy bookcase, his portfolio binder, his ever-awesome ways of making everything all right,... it scared me. I thought, for the first time: would history repeat itself? Is that how little I've learnt? To just fall into the same mess again?
To tell you the truth, even as I was giving these questions thought, I didn't really trust them. I didn't believe it. But, this was the first time I'd ever thought about it... and I used to think about it constantly with Scott. I'm not clear how it really played out, but possibly, among all of the other reasons, my fear of failure (in relationships in this case, though that fear is quite generously applied to most of my other attempts at happiness) made me apprehensive... to do certain things. Maybe, to creating any boundaries between my independent life and my personal life, or to exposing my complete personality. I do know those were problems in the relationship, but as far as my fear of failure playing a role in their manifestation, its implication will be concluded at a later time.
But with Cameron... He's just............ magnificent. Perfect. GRANDIOSE, even :-P. He really is just for me, and he really makes me feel comfortable with being myself around him. Around others, I can do, but around him... that's pretty amazing to me. *Sigh* I won't let my stubborn, assuming, know-it-all self get in the way of this.
No, I've learnt so much more. I can't believe how lucky I am...
Hahah, luck... 'never did believe in it. I guess I'll just congratulate myself and Cameron: Good Fate Paths! Yaaaay!! (^_^)!